Re: what do i do???
Asked by tjslove4ever

Question:
 

warning- this will probably be pretty long. my problem is not with my kids, its with my mother in law's. my husband is the oldest of 3. his little sister is 13 and

his brother will be 10 this month.  his sister, TerrCyn, just started junior high, and she is at a very difficult age. she is going through alot. i REALLY need to figure out a way to help her, but i am out of ideas.

My MIL is CONSTANTLY yelling at thest poor kids, i mean really screaming. i admit they have some normal behavior problems. TerrCyn can have a snotty attitude, and Kendell has ADD and still bedwets at night. which can be frustrating. but nothing justifies the way she treats them. she calls them stupid, tells them to shut up. shuts them down everytime they try to join in a conversation and is always putting them down.she is a stay at home mom and has been for 10+ yrs. my husband says she was not like that AT ALL when he was younger, but his dad wasn't around. thats the only difference. now his dad works out of state, just like my husband. i know the kids are having a hard time with this.

recently, but gradually, we have noticed the behaviour worsening, and the discipline tripling. the other problem i have is with their house, it has always been an issue between my husband and i, the house is a mess, i've been nervous about letting her take my kids home. and my husband even came to the conclusion that our kids were not allowed down there until their house got cleaned up. its not just klutter- they have 3 ferrets, 4 birds, and 4 dogs, imagine that mess, + rotten food all over the house, the garbage is never taken out.... it goes on and on.anway, 2 weeks after my husband told me the kids cant go over there anymore, someone reported my MIL to DCFS for the house. we dont know who it was, but we were grateful. the social workers came and inspected the house and they will continue to check on them to make sure there is nothing else going on, besides a filthy house. i talked to the social worker and told her the things i saw that were a concern to me. and since this has happened, my hubby's little sister has been opening up to me about alot of things that go on, that no one knows about. how her mom treats her at home, no violence or anything but is SO disrespectful to the kids, and treats kendell better that TerrCyn, noticeably. she texts me during or after her and her mother argue, and is so upset. i feel so helpless and dont know what i should do to help. i want to offer to take the kids to stay with me for a while, till MIL can get her life and house cleaned up. but i know this would just cause problems between the families. MIL doesn't even allow TerrCyn to have her own thoughts, calls her a TRADER if she doesn't agree with her on everything.Kendell has emotional problems that MIL won't admit to, but i recognize the sigsn, bedwetting, acting out (climbing on roofs, running away from home and destroying property) and having bathroom issues, like never making it to the toilet to poop, hes TEN. and when he does go in his pants, hell play with it, paint on the walls... he urinates in his closet.

oh, someone give me some ideas, these kids need some help. Thank you

My Advice:

 

 I STRONGLY agree that you need to keep in contact with the workers. Call them back and fill them in.  

Abuse is Abuse- Emotional abuse is still Abuse.demeaning, insulting, belittling, swearing at, etc is emotional abuse. it's not just being mean, or talking nasty, it's ABUSE. Sure, anyone can be stressed and tell a kid to shut up, but it's normal to feel bad and know you shouldn't've done that. it shouldn't occur very often at all, either. If you actually notice it to pay attention to it, it's probably emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is one of the hardest abuses to pinpoint, act on, or address. It comes from attitude rather than action, and so is harder to treat. It requires counselling, and some fairly difficult soul searching by the person. They may not be up to it, or willing to go there. They need to look at themselves, and change their attitude. If it's a learned behaviour, as does not seem to be the case here, they need to unlearn it, and that can be hard to do. In any case, it requires a skilled therapist of some kind to help people grow past being emotionally abusive.

THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. It MUST be stopped. Even if there is a "justifiable" reason like a mental health issue or they were abused themselves, they are still responcible for their actions and need to accept that.

As you can see, this is not a quick fix. That's why children get removed, so they can be safe while their parents heal. And then we send them home again once this has been done. The only hard part is that every jurisdiction has a time limit on how long children can be in care... so if parents take too long, they don't go home again.

As this girl is telling you stuff, and texting you stuff, there are two or three things you need to do. You need to call the worker and tell her what's being said to you. You need to save those texts, get them off your phone, onto hard copy or email, and send them to the worker. Send them to the worker whether the worker wants them or not. Under law (Canadian), not even counsellors are exempt from reporting that a child is being abused, inspite of confidentiality. It is the one exemption to confidentiality- hurting yourself or someone else. So, you need to get her help and they can't help her if they don't know the facts. Actually, you don't have an obligation to tell her you've told the worker- but yuo can if you want to. However you handle it, try to perserve her trust in you as she really needs your support. She needs your support, and will continue to need your support, but right now, she needs more than this too. If you feel you have to chose, chose safety first, and support second.

As for the boy, you need to disclose all your observations and concerns to the worker. Sounds like he needs proper assessment and proffesional assistance. This kind of behaviour can be more than just abuse or neglect- in some cases, it can be due to some kind of disability, that is just being made worse by the abuse or neglect. either way, it is so serious that he will require intensive therapeutic services. 

Really, you are the only voice these children have. Call, and call quickly. Don't put this off, Don't dilly dally or what if yourself. Call the worker, and spill the beans. Tell them verything you know. If nothing changes in three days, write it all down, and either drop it off or fax it in. It makes it harder to ignore.

The workers need to know that this is more than poor hygiene and possible depression. This is emotional abuse, depression or not. You must put what is best for the children first. Your MIL is an adult, and she can look after herself. These kids are not, and they need YOUR help to keep them safe. Oh, and let them know that if it comes to it, the family is willing to step in and find a place for the kids.

As this is so serious, and the DCFS is already involved, I DO NOT recommend you trying to deal with this yourself. Especially considering the severity of the issues the children have, you don't want to take them on without DCFS assistance.

Although there is always value to seeing it from the other person's side, that isn't really suitable in such a clear cut case of abuse.

Hope I've helped. I Am's Child.