Re: about my 4 yr old
Asked by felicia2190

Question:

how do you get a 4 yr old to stop crying about everying thing.

he crys wen he wants something or wen he wants to do something. he will cry wen he

wants to go some where like out to eat.  I need hlep  because all I get from him is him crying all the time.

My Advice:  Kids learn what you teach them.  They come out of the womb a complete blank slate, and they quickly learn what gets your attention, and what gets them what they want.  If your child has learnt that constant whinging, crying or becoming, what is affectionately known as being a sooky la la, gets them what they want, then that's what they'll do. 

So you don't want to indulge their tears and complaining when something bad happens to them, but at the same time, you do want them to know that you care about them.  When your child is crying because something small has happened, such as falling over and not actually being hurt, having a toy taken off them or they have to leave the playground, you firstly want to acknowledge that you have heard them.  If they don't think you understand the dilemma, then they will continue to repeat it to you.  For very young ones who you can't verbally interact with, this could be a rub on the back, checking whatever part they think they've hurt so they can see you have checked or simply looking them in the eyes and showing with your face you know they're upset (sympathetically that is).  Don't pick them up and start cooing into their ears.  Don't pick them up at all.  Bring them to your side and just rub their back for a little while, but continue on with whatever it was you were doing before they tried to interrupt and become the focal point.  If need be, avoid eye contact.  They will read your body language as being "I acknowledge that something has happened to you you're not happy about, but it's not a big enough problem for me to have to stop what I'm doing".  After a few times at this, you can decrease how long you rub their back for, and eventually they will see there is no point in trying to make it a big problem because their wants won't get indulged and they could spend the time playing.

Older children who have already become used to this behaviour over years will be harder to reteach but it can happen.  For circumstances such as haven fallen over or a toy being snatched from them, you can do something similar to what I wrote above, making sure that you do not stop what you are doing or let them interrupt an adult conversation.  Children of that age hate having to wait, so use that to your advantage.  Tell them you will deal with them once you have finished your conversation or cup of tea or making dinner, and then drag the time out.  Make them wait as long as possible because before long they will be so bored by the wait they will want to go play with their toys.  If however they are crying because you need to leave the playground or something similar, you just need to get firm.  Find their "currency" as Dr Phil calls it.  For my oldest son it's not having his books read to him before bedtime.  And make sure that whatever threat you make, you follow through with if need be.  Even when we are out at the shops, if we tell him that if he keeps up a certain behaviour then he won't get his books at bed time, and he continues, then when we get home, no matter how long afterwards, we still follow through.  Threats are pointless if they know you're not going to follow through.  And kids have amazing memories, much better than mine, as long as you remind the child why they are missing out, they will remember and will learn soon enough.  It will be hard at first, but it will be learnt eventually (as long as YOU are consistent).  One little trick that I have found to be invaluable, is to let them know when it's 10 minutes till going home time, then again at 5 minutes, again at 1 minute and then of course going home time.  The count down lets them anticipate that they've only got a few more turns on the slide, or only a few more minutes at their friend's house, and they aren't taken by surprise (and it's not a nice surprise).  Remember thought that it will all take time to learn, and they won't learn it if you're not consistent.  GOOD LUCK!