I have never shared with anybody my story in it's whole entirity and you might be wondering "Well then why announce it on Minti?" And so here's why: I am doing this so that I might be able to help just one person out there who might be struggling

with any of the same issues I mention in my story. I know that technically this isn't advice but if it can bring any of the issues I mention into the light and help others come forward about their problems to proper medical professionals then I just may be saving someone's life. So for those of you who don't know me personally or who would like to know a little bit more about me please read on . . .

I moved from our family farm in Brogo, NSW when I was 4 years old to start a new life in Cairns, Queensland as the job opportunities for my father were greater. Whether or not I was upset by the move or for circumstances I can't remember I developed a scratching problem (which I now know to be obsessive compulsive disorder).

When I was in grade 3 (so I was 7 or 8 years old) I used to hang out at a local resort swimming pool with my family and friends. I won't go into too much detail or name those who were with me and witnessed what happened at the time, but I was molestered by an older man (70+). When my Mum found out what happened she took me straight to the police station and I made a statement. Later I appeared in court to give evidence against the man who was then charged and sent back to his own country. Despite my family asking for the story to be kept out of the media I recall journalists being present in the court room at the time and my story did appear in the newspaper.

After continual bullying at my old school and having fallen into the wrong crowd where I learnt to steal, smoke, etc. my mum moved me to a new school which was absolutely fantastic and for that I'll mention it's name: Caravonica State School. It was at this new school that I met my best friend Ruby Colwell, who although taught me how to wag and cut class, is still to this day my soulmate.

When I was in year 6/7 my parents got a divorce and I moved away with my Mum and my sister to a new house on the other side of Kewarra Beach. It was after the divorce that my depression came back and I developed OCD because I thought it would protect my family. I would check doors, lights, locks, taps, etc. hundreds of thousands of time each night. It got so bad that one night I actually burst the tap in the kitchen from tightening it so hard that water shot up to the ceiling and started absolutely flooding the place. I could never go to sleep because I was so worried that I hadn't checked something properly that I would often fall asleep from exhaustion in the hallway, spending the rest of the night outside my Mum's room passed out on the tiles. Nobody at school knew what was happening with me and it continued on into my first years of highschool. My Mum being the angel that she is helped me through it and I managed to overcome it without any kind of medication or hospitilisation, although sometimes I still find it necessary to check things a couple of times before going to bed. LOL!

I got through yr's 8 and 9 without too much drama and then my Mum decided that she wanted to move back to Perth to be with her family. I was against the move and wanted to stay behind with my father as I had a great job (Hungry Jack's lol) and all my friends were in Cairns, however Dad didn't seem to want me and so I followed on with Mum. Still bitter about the move I started year 10 at Willetton Senior High School and was determined not to make any friends. I had some absolutely lovely people come up to me on my first day and I snubbed them, hoping that if mum saw how much I hated it here then she would send me back to Cairns.

Towards the end of year 10 I realised that Mum was never going to send me back and so I decided to make some friends. Having snubbed pretty much everyone who ever tried to talk to me there wasn't much left to choose from and I fell into the wrong crowd. It was around this time I started working at Chicken Treat and through that job and the wrong crowd at school - I was introduced to the skate park.

I felt at home at the skatepark where so many others like me had problems in their lives and these people became my closest friends and felt like family to me. Although there was plenty of drugs and alcohol around I never succumbed to temptation and preferred their company more than anything else. I started sneaking out nights after I'd get home from work and would wander the streets from midnight to 5am before crawling back into bed. Obviously all of the above started affecting my school work and having been medically diagnosed with depression I decided to pull out of school at the beginning of year 11.

I first started having sex when I was 16 and from then on I jumped from partner to partner, even sleeping with women as well as men. Nothing I did seemed to numb the pain I was feeling inside and this led to cutting to try and give me a different type of pain I could focus on. (I had been suicidal since I was in year 5).

Having messed around for a year I decided that I wanted to go back to school and I begged the staff at Willetton High School to take me back. I was doing alright, although my wagging was still a problem, and perhaps my attitude had started to wear thin on my Mum but I was kicked out of home during my first term of year 11, second time around. I was lucky to have been taken in by someone, however during my time away from home I was beaten up by a male who was drunk at the time, had some of my posessions destroyed and was sexually abused by another male.

When my Mum found out about the above she took me back in and although I tried hard to concentrate at school, it just wasn't for me. I started to hang around the folks at the skatepark again and almost failed year 11 a second time around before I met my now fiance, Samuel McIntosh.

I immediately fell in love with him and although he had problems of his own, I believed I could help him through it. He took drugs everyday, smoked and drank quite heavily and I thought I could get him to stop. However when I realised my plans weren't working I decided I would have to change my tactic and so I told him that from now on whatever he did I would do. (It's a pretty stupid reason to start taking drugs I know!) So from then on I started smoking cigarettes and weed, taking dexies and drinking. I absolutely hated it but I was determined it would work.

Taking drugs started to have an impact on my schoolwork but Samuel believed in me and pushed me to finish school. While he was away in New Zealand I finished up the last of my assignments and managed to just scrape through with a passing grade. At the same time Samuel proposed to me on msn just 2 months after going out. Because he was at a party in New Zealand at the time and obviously drunk I decided he was just joking around. However when he returned 2 weeks later he proposed to me again and then gave me my first ring on Christmas Day.

As much as I cared for and loved Sam deeply I was getting sick of competing for his affection - drugs being his mistress. And I was also becoming fed up with taking them as it didn't seem to be deterring him at all. At the same time I was having a lot of trouble with pains in my abdomen and my Dr. at the time thought I may have endometriosis and wouldn't be able to have children.

We both began year 12 at Willetton and this time around I was determined to do a good job at school - I was aiming for Dux of year 12. We were still taking drugs and partying etc. while the school ball was on and the after party, however we were both still absolutely devasted about not being able to have children as we loved each other, we were engaged to marry and obviously we wanted children in the future. It was then and there that we decided to start getting serious about our future and gave up the drugs/alcohol/smoking immediately and started living healthier lives.

At the same time we stopped using contraception and started trying to fall pregnant expecting it to take years if at all I could even concieve. A month later I found out I was pregnant and we were both completely shocked. We didn't expect things to happen so soon especially while we were both doing year 12. I considered the possibilty of abortion and talked to my Mum about things, however Sam and I decided that this might be our only chance to ever have a baby and we remembered just how upset we had both been at the news me might never be able to have children, so we decided to keep our baby.

I was dealing with horrible morning sickness at the same time as going to school and working part time. I had also committed myself to doing the World's Greatest Shave at school that year and so despite being pregnant and very self-concious at the time I went ahead with the head shave and raised a massive $2104.10c. When my morning sickness started to clear up I came down with a terrible case of the flu, which Sam then later caught off me. When Sam started to feel a little better we decided to go shopping for nursery furniture and on our way home we stopped in at the Good Guys so I could buy myself a blender. When I was at the checkout I noticed Sam swaying backwards and forwards on the spot and I thought to myself "he's going to faint!" So silly me tried to catch him while I was 4 months pregnant and in stilletto heels, instead my foot caught him and I ended up with a broken 5th metatarsal bone. We were both taken to hospital via ambulance and after over 6 hours of painfully waiting (I couldn't take anything for the pain because I was pregnant) in the emergency room I was finally seen by a Dr. where I had my foot and lower leg placed in a cast. I was unable to walk in crutches due to my growing baby bump throwing me off balance so I had to get around in a wheelchair instead.

Being fat, bald and in a wheelchair started to take its toll on me and combined with fluctuating pregnancy hormones I started to take my temper out on Samuel. For weeks we stopped talking to each other and although he came over every morning to help me get dressed and push me around from class to class we did it all in silence. Eventually it was the day of the ultrasound and Sam was nowhere to be found. He had been arrested for shoplifting and I was furious!! He managed to make it on time and we found out we were having a little boy - but neither one of us was feeling very joyous.

Eventually through our silence we phoned each other up and decided to end our relationship. It was on the phone that we both started crying and telling each other how much we loved each other and didn't want to break up. I suggested Samuel come over for my 18th birthday party as by then I would have had the cast taken off my leg and I was sure my mood would improve 110% after that.

True to my word as soon as the cast came off my leg and I was able to exercise and regain my freedom once again, my mood improved two-fold and Samuel and I had never been stronger.

In November I graduated Willetton Senior High School with numerous awards and I had been in the running for WA top student of the year. Despite not achieveing my goal of Dux I felt that given the circumstances I had done a really good job and for the first time in my whole life I felt like I had done my mother proud. When I walked across the stage to collect my graduation certificate the auditorium filled with hushed words and whispers as it finally dawned on all my classmates that Samuel and I were expecting a baby. We had decided to keep it quiet so as to respect Willetton Senior High School who in my eyes contains the best teachers and students in this entire state and to this day I am grateful for the amount of chances that school gave me and the potential that my teachers saw in me.

Sam and I were as stong as ever and having the best time in our relationship when I felt my first labour pains on Valentines Day. After 9 and a half hours of completely natural labour (no drugs you see!!) little Jesse was born at Kaleeya Hospital. Previously having decided on the name Jesse Landon McIntosh I decided that he was too much of a blessing from his father and decided to change his name to Jesse Samuel Lee McIntosh.

Since having Jesse my health has not been the best and I have since been re-diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (yes I finally found out what the scratching was only 15 years later), Irritable Bowel Syndome (IBS) and the cause to my abdominal pain is still unknown and I am currently undergoing further testing. In saying all that I am learning to live through the physical pain and I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow at Alma Street Mental Health Centre in Fremantle. Finally I have been admitted for proper help and I am looking forward to kicking this mental illness once and for all.

 *And one last little note. Since quitting drugs/cigarettes/alcohol in order to try for Jesse neither of us have since touched a drop of any of the above. I still haven't had my celabratory glass of champagne for turning 18 and I don't plan on doing so either. Neither have we gone out clubbing or pubbing yet. After all, what could be sweeter than the little miracle we both now hold in our arms?*