Being a first time parent can be harrowing at the best of times, even if you've had experience in tending to babies through family or a career in child care. There's a sea of books out there, offering help and advice, but mostly there are friends and family. They, naturally,
want to share in your good fortune. They're an important part of your life and they want to be there for you as you discover parenthood for the very first time. That's as it should be. What loving friend or relative doesn't want to become involved in what may be the most amazing thing that's ever happened to you.
Friends and family who have had children will have all kinds of advice, about how they raised their children and 'what it will be like' for you. They seem to offer it when ever the opportunity comes up. But sometimes it's too much. Sometimes it detracts from the wonder of what's to come. When you're an expecting family you may want to be caught up the adventure ahead, and the joy (and terror) of the birth itself, and feel it's rather spoiled when people keep telling you how you're going to feel or what's going to happen. Or, after the baby comes, advice on how the baby is going to progress or how best to manage one thing or another can get too much. Especially when you don't agree with the advice given and the well-meaning advice giver just won't quit.
Every baby is different. So is every pregnancy. Every parent has different ideas or values (even if only slightly different) and, often, first time parents want to embark in the adventure together rather than feeling like they're on some kind of tour bus with a hundred other people wanting to go this way or that. While many parents appreciate advice nobody likes being 'advised' to within an inch of their life, told over and over again in an attempt to get them to 'do it right'. Nobody wants to hear that if it's not done a specific way then the child is going to be disadvantaged later in life.
So what's to be done when people just won't get the hint, and either keep mapping out 'how things are going to be' or keep giving you the same advice over and over again when you're doing your own thing, sure that you'll come around sooner or later and realise that they were right all along?
1. Assume best intentions.
Unless the advice giver is being obviously malicious the chances are good that they think they're helping you. Either they're trying to steer you around pitfalls that they encountered with their children or they're concerned for you and your baby. Assuming that they're only trying to help, and that they genuinely want the best for you will remind you that they're your loved ones and go a long way towards helping you maintain your temper. Once you lose your temper, things are often said that can't be unsaid and relationships can be strained. Remember, as much as they're upsetting you, they're on your side.
2. Consider your thoughs.
Before taking action, take a moment to think about what you want to say or do. If you have the luxury of time, penning a few notes or taking a moment to think in your head about what points you want to make and how you want to make them will help you get your point across. A little forethought can make the next step flow a lot more smoothly, rather than risk it coming out random, chaotic and out of control.
3. Location, location, location.
Place and timing go a long way towards setting a mood. A serious discussion where you may have to come into conflict with a loved one will flow so much smoother over coffee in a comfortable place than in a car in the middle of traffic. When you and who ever you're talking to are comfortable and rested you're both open to discussion.
4. Talk it out calmly.
Most times the person trying to help you has no idea that you're so upset. Take the time to explain firstly what you want. If you're expecting and you need some space rather than a map of the pregnancy, explain that you just want to take the time to enjoy it. If the advice relates to parenting techniques, explain that you've chosen to do things your way for a reason. You needn't justify your decision (in fact justifying can make it seem like you're uncertain), but gently but firmly explain that while you understand their experience or concerns this is the way you've chosen to do things and that you'd appreciate their support. Then, if you want to, you can explain how you feel about the way their advice has come across. You can explain that you do want them involved, but that they need to support your choices. It's your baby, after all.
5. Reassure.
Nobody takes criticism or feedback without at least feeling a little embarrassment. Make sure to take the sting out of it as best you can. After all, these are your loved ones and they're just trying to help you. Explain that you appreciate everything they're doing for you and that you still want them to be there. You just need to do things in your own way. If there's some advice you need, now's a good time to ask them for it. Or to make plans to spend some time with them. Anything that will reassure them that there are no hard feelings. You know your loved ones best. You'll know how best to do it.
This also works, in reverse, for advice givers.
1. Assume that the parents care about your advice and aren't spitefully or stupidly ignoring it.
2. Consider how to bring it up again, before you actually speak to them. You do, after all, have valid concerns and you want the best for them.
3. Find a comfortable place to talk to them about it. Somewhere non-confrontational.
4. Patiently explain that you're concerned that they're not taking your advice seriously, and explain why you're concerned.
5. Reassure the parents that you're not attacking their ability, you're just concerned and you want the best for everyone.
However for advice givers, there's another step. An all important one.
6. Take notice. If they've listened to your advice time and time again and haven't implemented it, the chances are good that they're not going to. Unless you have serious concerns for the health of the parents or the child, let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. Everyone does. Be aware that they may be right, or that their way is equally as good. Be there to help out, if they do get stuck, but remember that it's their baby and they need to make the decisions for it.
(October 7th) (
