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Recently, my husband and I were watching a programme we had recorded-a longitudinal behavioural study involving young children. In a particular segment, filmed at a day-care centre, one child really stood out as being quite poorly behaved. While all the other children sat quietly and followed instructions this
child roamed around, didn’t listen, threw tantrums, refused to share, was violent, and so on. The carers clearly found the child difficult and the other children didn’t want to be near to them. I could see the look on my husband’s face-he was horrified. He paused the recording, turned to me and said “How do we make sure our son isn’t
that child?” I replied “We are already doing just that.”
The child in question had not been identified as having special needs, ADHD or any other disorder, but their background differed significantly from the other children in the group. Unlike the other children in the study, and indeed, our son, this child had never been expected to share toys, or attention with other children. They had the same carer day in and day out, and had no contact with people other than extremely close family. As every child should be, they were loved and adored and wanted for nothing, but there were clearly some steps missing in their socialisation in comparison to the other children.
Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of routine and consistency, it is just that children also need to be taught that it is ‘safe’ to be adaptable too.
At 9 months my son already has a rudimentary understanding of the fact that he is not the only person in the universe (though I am pretty sure he wishes he was!)
In our Mother’s Group we expect the children to ‘play nice’. Even though they are very young (ranging from 9 months to nearly 11 months) they are expected to share toys, not to hurt when touching each other, and they are not allowed ‘adult’ objects like cutlery, crockery, mobile phones and remotes. They even share food, though not always willingly (can you blame them??)
While obviously each child prefers his or her own mother, they know that that can receive comfort and love from any of us, and of course none of us are above being used as a climbing frame by any of the children!
In addition:
- My son has heard and understood the word ‘no’.
- He understands the need to be gentle with our cats (and visiting guinea pigs) even if he doesn’t always get it right.
- He understands that when we are babysitting his little friend that she will sometimes need me too, and that is ok, because I am still his mummy and I’m not going anywhere.
- He recognises friends and family and is happy to see them.
- He will socialise with people he doesn’t know, provided my husband or I have introduced him to them because he knows we are looking out for him.
- He will play by himself for extended periods of time because he is secure in the knowledge that I am right there if he needs me.
In short, he is happy and secure in our love for him, but also comfortable in different situations. He’s sociable as anything, but also content with his own company. I can confidently say that while no child, including mine, will ever be perfect (who is?? I’m far from!) he will never be that child.
(October 2008) (
