G'day josierm

Tough it is and will remain, for a few years at least. Sorry to give bad news...

I went thru - am still going thru - the same deal when I separated some 6 yrs ago, with 2 young children. One thing that really worked for us, hard tho it was - we agreed to never badmouth the other parent to/in front of the children, as that just confuses them and will often backfire on you. If at all possible, do not have in-depth discussions (with your ex) around the kids - as mentioned in other replies, the kids will pick up on any negative and especially hostile vibes, leading to very upset and typically sleepless little critters.

Sounds a bit like you 2 are still having communication - this is very good. Try to agree on a strategy for the children - if you can both emphasize to the kids that the situation is NOT their fault and nothing to do with them and that you both continue to love them very much, that will help. If you have trouble openly communicating with your ex, many separated couples use a "communication book" passed over with the children's gear at contact times. Ensure comments are kept factual and non-blaming/defamatory - it is important to have a united front when dealing with the children, whether it be behavioural issues or even dealing with any illnesses and treatments.

I cannot stress how important it is to have a solid routine for the kids, especially at this time when their whole world is changing. School/kindy days, homework, mealtimes, bathtimes, etc etc - no matter how insignificant it may appear to adults, kids draw safety in secure knowledge of such things. Especially important is to agree with your ex on a contact schedule, ensure the kids know what days they will be seeing/staying with dad, and what times they can ring him to talk when they want/need - between 6 and 7pm usually works. If there is some time length eg days between visits, the kids can make cards/presents to hand over - personally, such things are really treasured by the other parent and the kids get a kick out of seeing them displayed in their "2nd" house.

Having said all that, you now have increased responsibilities... you are now both mum and dad. Of course you will make some allowances in behaviour, but as any parent knows you can't let the kids believe they can get one over you or they will keep twisting the knife... you have to maintain boundaries, standards and discipline. For instance, biting is just not acceptable.

Some things you'll just have to wear - there will be separation anxiety, there will be kids falling "sick" before school/kindy (tho fine 1/2 hr after arrival), there will be children sleeping in your bed; to me these are symptoms of worry and stress - if one parent is gone what's to stop the other disappearing too??? - but they will settle over time, and at least initially, sleeping with you may be a necessary comfort to avoid nightmares and sleep terrors.

...and over time there will be other matters - stressing how lucky they are to have TWO houses not just one and so forth; kids pitting one parent against the other ("but mummy ALWAYS lets us do this", "but daddy says we HAVE to do this" - keep comms open with the other parent to deal with this one!!) and more.

Just be strong as you can and don't be ashamed to ask for help. Check out the local library - they have great articles on how to approach and answer difficult questions/issues, and of course do some extensive searching thru Minti archives! - you're not the first one to have to deal with this!

Lots of luck, my thoughts are with you.

it is not going to be easy,for you or the kids immediatly.do you have visits in place whereby they get too see their dad??it could help if they knew that they would be seeing him on a regular basis.that way you both could explain to them what has happened,and how you will both try and make it work.they are i bit young to really understand why you have two houses,ie;where they live and where their dad lives.keeping them to a routine for their bedtime and mealtimes helps.they also need to know that they are loved by you both.the child with the biting habit needs to be told very firmly that it is not very nice to be doing that,and would he like it if you bit him.if a child is showered with honesty ,love,and happiness.never ever put them down as that is when the rebellion starts.you can't take sides,treat them all the same.of cause a baby would get more attention from you,but you could include the others,to do little things with you for the baby.then when baby is settled spend time with the others till it is time for bed.don't let them grow up too fast with responsibilities,they are too young for that.make a chart for them to show too their dad when he visits so that he can be included in giving them praise for helping you with the baby and other little small chores.tell them at the end of the week or on the weekend that they will be able to pick out a dvd,or pick out some activity involving you all.if you shower them with love and affection now they will reward you as they get older,plus you will have harmony.good luck and happy parenting.

Firstly, how are you handling the situation?  Your kids are going to take their emotional ques from you, so if you are a bit emotional etc, then they are going to play on that.

A period of adjustment is required for all of you, but do not make too many allowances as for their behaviour.  You need to keep up with their disciplines the way you used to and keep life as normal as possible.

Yes, they are going to try every trick in the book to drive you up the wall, especially seeing as they know there is only one parent around now.

They are going to need reassuarances from you, but that doesn't mean letting them get away with things they wouldn't normally get away with.  Talking with them about how they are feeling etc is good, as well as keeping them in the loop about how you are feeling too.  Open communication will work to keep your family together.

If their Dad is still wanting to be a part of their lives, then he needs to explain to them why things are the way they are just as much as you.

to be honest, the kids are proberly just worried that you will leave them as daddy has.

I think with your sons hearing just keep at him and let him know nothing is different.

give them attention.

I was 14 months old when my parents split and I used to be afraid that my dad would never come back to get me. I used to cry when he would take me home every fortnight.

reasurance is all I can sugest. make them KNOW you love them, not going to leave and that Daddy can see them when they want, maybe calls from him at night time if he is able.

good luck and it should pass soon

Hi josierm,

I am sorry for what you are going thru, have been going thru it myself for 5 years and know first hand its soo hard on the kids at times like these... All you can really do right now is be there for your kids, let yourself grieve for the loss of the relationship also. I had to settle 6 children under the age of 8 at one time and its truely the hardest thing a mother will have to do (or a father, or parent who has chosen to take on the role of caregiver for the kids)

The kids most likely will be picking up on your sadness. not fully aware of the situation for you but know that kids pick up on everything us parents do, moods and all that stuff... Just reassure the kids that mummy and daddy both love them and that all will be ok.

You are doing a great job, its difficult to maintain composure and deal with your own feelings on separation and it sounds like you are doing all you can to comfort your children. The only remedy here will be time, and if time doesnt heal all wounds.. give it a few months and hopefully with regular contact with the other parent (providing that is the healthy option for you and your children) and a supportive environmentthe instability will ease up a bit and you will find they get adapted to the change in routine.

I really feel for you having been in that situation before and hope things become easier for you soon .

Cheers from Mel xx