I feel your pain.  Our very close friends have a child who is very difficult to control, and often they turn a blind eye to his behaviour (not always, but often, and they don't follow through with any threats of punishment they make to him).  Many others in our group of friends agree that he is trouble.  One in particular finds that every time her son plays with this boy, his behaviour becomes bad.

It's a hard thing for us, but we have reduced the amount of time we spend with our friends, because their boy makes our kids uncomfortable.  Our 4yo son especially doesn't want to be around him, because he seems to single him out for aggressive attention.  We now make sure that we only stay for an hour or so, or that we are with other friends as well, so that hopefully this boy's attention will be spread more thinly.

I have another friend who has some kids who are older than mine, and they came over to our house when my oldest daughter was about 2.  Her kids totally trashed her room.  They took everything off the shelves, out of boxes, they even stripped the bed (??).  Afterwards I found that some of the special gifts that my daughter was given when she was born were missing, probably just pulled out of their box and dumped.  The whole time, my friend sat in the lounge room and chatted.  Even when I showed horror at the state of the room, she didn't move or comment.  Her kids have never been back to my house again.  I've always arranged to meet at her house (the two times I've seen her since).

Is your friend trying to address the "issue" of your daughter's fear, or of her own daughter's behaviour?  That might need some clarification, and you should have some say in how that is controlled, rather than letting your friend decide on what needs to be resolved.

I do believe that we can't, and shouldn't protect our kids from every bad situation in life, but we need to make a judgement on each situation as it comes, and decide whether it's something that needs to be avoided or not.  In my case, we have maintained the friendship with the first people mentioned, but tried to control our meetings, but with the second friend, I backed off the friendship quite a bit.

 Has your daughter the reason why she is afraid of this other child, if not I think I would be trying to find out. You shouldn't have to put your daughter in a situation where she is afraid of being with this child. 

Everyone has there own beliefs on how they raise their children and if your uncomfortable or have concerns that  these childrens behaviour is  having an effect on your daughter....I feel you have two choices 1)  Talk to your friend openly of your concerns  ( if she is a true friend she should understand )and  maybe together you can set some ground rules for behaviour while the children are together or 2) Stop being around these children so often.

I wish you well.

Hi, I agree with the other comment, a 4yo playing with a 2.5 yo is not stimulating for the 4yo and beyond the 2.5yo.  If the kids are poorly behaved, you can either: 1) Have them play at your place with firm ground rules that are enforced if they are not adhered to 2) See your friend without the kids 3) If your friend is trying to address the issue maybe you could put your side across and state that your daughter is too young and maybe in a few years, when, developmentally they are more similar they can play.  You do have the right to disagree with your friend on childrearing and you don't need to expose your little one to such behaviour as it may effect her later on.  Good luck with it all.  My child has a friend who is poorly behaved but the two of them like each other - so I set the rules and they are followed or play stops until the rules are followed - as soon as Mum turns up, the child becomes a terror again!   My thoughts are with you

Right away, I'm concerned about how this 4 year old has treated your child. Children are not afraid for no reason, and it needs to be taken seriously. Try to find out from your child what happened. So young, it may be hard. Ask if someone else was there when it happened- if they remember it would be interesting to hear that person's side. Even if it's another child, a little older, so that the verbal skills are better.

But as far as them playing together goes, developmentally, children as young as your daughter is don't play well with other children anyways. They are still doing paralel play- doing their own thing beside another child who is doing their own thing. So, at this age, "playing together" is a pretty lose term, and the older kids rule the play. If they want to play together, that's one thing, but at this age, I wouldn't expect them to play with anyone! But then, I'm no expert, and actually know very little about it- so, if I'm wrong Minti Mom's and Dad's, please just correct me and we'll move on...

Anyways, I would protect your child and risk losing the freindship if need be. How good a friend is she that she's acting like this?