Your son is a scapegoat for your husband's anger.  A newborn baby cannot help crying and a toddler cannot help singing/chanting.  What is your husband really angry at ( what is underlying his anger at your son - what does your son represent to him-some past hurt from others/reminders of feeling powerless and threatened when he was a child and his parents were angry?/feeling threatened/overwhelmed?).  Discover what is underlying these irrational outbursts and you unlock the key to healing his past and getting him to stop using your son as a scapegoat for his OWN issues that MUST be healed for your family to be happy and survive.

Everything your partner and you say and do shapes who your son is today.  Your son's self esteem is crushed by your husband each time he treats him badly. If your husband can't stand up and lead the way in controling his anger and showing your son how to be calm, there is little hope for your son's self esteem and this will have a grim effect on who he becomes.  The damage has been done and it will take some time before your son learns a better way and will only be possible with calm, gentle role models.  Little children are easy to pick on- they are not as strong as an adult, so the adult will always win.  Yet this doesn't make your husband a hero.  Tell your husband if he can return to counselling and lead the way in being calm and gentle every time he's tempted to be out of control with his anger, THEN he will be your hero.  

Hmm, o.k you are looking for a solution that may work for both the men in your life. You say that your partner will not listen to proffesionals, is that in an Adult context. Have you tried to get your men into the care of a child phsychologist who can work with both your son and your partner on their relationship.

I see that you care for both and are torn, yet in the end you may have to choose one above the other and I know in my heart that you will choose your sons welfare.

If I were you I would seek to get some help for your son to aid his troubles, then I would lay down a strict law to my partner that he co operates in that and seeks anger management therapy and faces it and deals with it in a serious manner. In the interim time if he still seeks to deal with your child in a harsh way he must leave the home till he feels he can respect your wishes on his approach.

I would also tell him that if he does not agree to this I will be taking the children and seeking the authorities help to protect your child from further emotional abuse.

There must be Womens help lines in your area. I would strongly advise you to phone them and relate your fears and worries about leaving and seek their guidence as to what your options are and how to claim for financial aid if the circumstances arise.

I wish you all the best, I know it is scarey to strike out on your own but you can and will manage if the circumstances dictate it.

Be strong and do use your minti net work to approach friends you feel comfortable with to seek support and a shoulder.

Hugs Winnie.xxxx

im sorry to say but if you don't get away from your partner .you are going to have big problems with your son later on .i know because i was in the same situation 15yrs ago .and my kids have been affected by this .i know you love your partner but you have to think about what it  is doing to your wee man .if i can do it you can too be strong .and get as much support you can . before you leave your partner.

Is he the biological father? Is there some underlying resentment there? What was your partner's childhood like? It may be hard to accept when you say that you still love him but the most important person in this triangle is your son. If you cannot leave your husband, perhaps you should consider alternative parenting options for your son for his own wellbeing. It was a comment made to me when my baby was a few weeks old - to make a choice between my child's father and my child - it really made me think and, yes, I did something about it. I left. It took a while but eventually the father figured out that it really was the best thing for the child.

I know your last choice is to leave the father but in saying that your first choice and priority should be your son's safety. Your son is behaving this way because of how his father treats him. Put yourself in your son's shoes, if someone constantly yelled in your face and smacked you for reasons you couldn't explain and then disappeared for 2 weeks, came back and wanted to play with you, would you honestly feel like playing with that person? Definitely not! Would you like to be comforted by the person who makes you feel scared and hurts you? Oh hell no. The first 5 years of your child's life is crucial it shapes and molds them for the future. I know you're looking to make things work out but the home truth is if your partner won't get help for his behaviour (and you've already stated professional help didn't work) nothing is going to change. And as Emmie said, each year your son gets older, the worse he seems to be treating him. You've done everything that you can and it isn't working. You can't change someone who doesn't want to change. If you don't get out and give your son the life he deserves he is going to end up hating you. Once again put yourself in your child's shoes, if your mother left you with a father who kept hurting you physicially and emotionally and put her husband before you, how would you feel? Would you want to know why your mother didn't help you, a poor innocent child who couldn't defend herself? Try some soul searching hun.

I f im honest it sounds to me as if as your chiild is getting older the worse your partner seems to be treating him . You need to get out else it will only get even more worse . x