Parenting Question and Answers - Fifteen year old falling apart

jacqui1012 | August 20th

Fifteen year old falling apart

My daughter is fifteen. She will be sixteen in October. She suffers from anxiety disorder and has been going medicine free for a few months by doctor request. She is falling apart in every sense of the word. Her father and I divorced when she was five. About a year after he moved out, I moved her, my eldest daughter, and my new boyfriend into a smaller house intown. In the mean time, her father stays with the woman he left me for and they buy a house and have a child. About a year after, I moved us two hours away from her father because I needed a new start. I realize now how selfish it was, she is now being starved from her relationship with her father. Soon after, I have a son with my boyfriend. My daughter starts to rebel and makes life hell for us all because she is so angry. She does this until she is about twelve. She accepts her father's fiance and eventually, my boyfriend leaves. Not long after, I have a new boyfriend and he moves in. When she is twelve, we move across town. My boyfriend moves in and out due to frequent break-ups. She starts to get more angry and I take her to get checked for depression. She is not depressed. When she is thirteen or fourteen, she starts getting terrible panic attacks and eventually, she recieves medicine for them. Well, her father gets married to the woman hes been with all along. She seems to accept it. Later on, she finds out her new step mother is pregnant. My daughter is angry and confused and disgusted. She feels replaced and wishes so much that she could be "good enough" for her father. She believes her and her older sister should be all he needs, even though she knows it is selfish. A few months before the baby is born, she is taken off her meds. Right before the child is born, I become engaged. She is livid and sad. She knows how many times Ive been hurt by him and how much he dislikes her inside. All i can say to her is to move on. The baby is about a week old and she refuses to go see her dad or the baby. He is calling her every name in the book and she is dying inside. She tells me it would hurt her way too much to go see the child, and as guilty as she feels she is doing it for herself. She refuses to speak to her dad because he only makes her feel worse by calling her selfish and disgusting etc. She is mad at me for my engagement and for the hell ive put her through in the past. Her heart is ripping out at the seams and I am beginning to feel like I have screwed her up. She is going through all kinds stuff that no kid should have to deal with and I am not helping. Help me, please. I don't know how to help her.

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	August 21st \| blue-raven

Re: Fifteen year old falling apart

The problem is lack of control in her life. Everyone has made the desicions for her and not always with her best interest at heart (not an attack just an observation from what you wrote)

My father controlled my life and I now suffer with anxiety and depression (well I'm heaps better and having 3 miscarriages certianly didn't help!)

This may not help but perhaps getting a part time job some where will help her gain control and self confidence in her life. The only thing she can control is who she see's and who she doesn't. It's almost like anorexia nervosa only with ppl.

I understand your desire for happiness but make sure this time your marrying for the right reasons and that he's right for you. (Read Planning a wedding............Stop and read this first!)

I think also it may help if you didn't live with your fiance to give her sense safety and security. Provide a safe place from the world. It is a huge ask but your daughter is in serious trouble and you need to put your life on hold and help her. Her life is just starting and already she is crippled.

Professional intervention is a must and if shes not getting the help she needs from the doctor she has now it may be time to find an expert in the field, who can provide the help she needs. I don't want to alarm you but what you have described is errieerly simialar to my own youth in the area of control or lack of to be precise. I attempted sucided a number of times and still bear the scars of one attempt.

As you said in your pursuit of happiness, you've neglected your daughters needs, it's not too late, it's just gonna be harder. I would also talk to her father and let him know that she's in trouble and needs help from him. This has to be a family effort and communication is the key. You can't get into the blame game with her father but calmly explain the situation and have him come to the doctors appointments. Remember she's targeting him because she can control it and she can hurt him. She can't hurt you anymore because you've shut it down. This is a war and every battle you fight with her will predict the outcome. The more battles you can win, the closer you are to saving her. Don't take from her rather find ways to communicate and give her back control. You don't have to put your life hold permantly, just enough to get her on her feet and functioning with lifes difficulties.

We all make mistakes and they sure as hell didn't hand out a manuel for raising children! But this is a fight for her life, make no mistake about that. Please watch out for any signs of sucide or cutting or any other signs depression and sucide. I'm pretty sure someone wrote something about both those topics here on Minti, check out www.beyondblue.com an australian site for depression, also check out www.drphil.com he also has some great information about childhood depression and has links on his site to other ppl who can help.

Most importantly seek medical intervention immediately.

Raven