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Are my in-laws out of line or am I overprotective??
Four months ago I gave birth to a baby girl who was born 7 weeks early. She stayed in Intensive Care for 3 weeks because her lungs were undeveloped as most premmature babies lungs are. The hospital was very firm in the "no smoking" rule when we left the hospital, including smoke on clothes, hands, etc. I posted a sign on our door for visitors stating to wash hands, no small children & if you had smoked to please not handle the baby. This was my way of not making anyone feel they were being singled out. Mainly my mother-in-law.
As time went on I started to notice that she would smell like smoke when coming to visit and to mask the smoke smell she was covering herself in perfume. I started to notice my daughter would cough after her visits. Still trying to not hurt anyones feelings I called her after my daughter's two month checkup & said the doctor noticed "I" was wearing perfume & advised it probably was not smart to wear scented products around the premature baby. After that she continued to wear the perfume?? Point not taken I guess.
The latest problem is they do not want to drive the 40 miles from their house to ours to visit. So to keep peace I have loaded my daughter & half of our home up for the last few visits. I just think it is irrational to ask a couple with a newborn to drive 40 miles so they can spend time with their grandchild. If it's a burden for them to travel how do they think it is for a baby? She comes home cranky, tired, out of her routine & overstimulated from all the holding.
I have yet to let them babysit her mainly due to the smoking, I'm sure they would be many frequent smoke breaks while my daughter was there, as there are when we visit.
Recently we made one of our visits an overnight visit and the next day my daughter started showing signs of a cold. I told my husband that I spoke with her doctor and he advised to just watch her & also was very strong about no smoking. I told him he needed to call his mother and let her know we did not want her taking cigarette breaks anymore when the baby was around. Her response was she didn't believe her smoking was making the baby sick.
I too am a former smoker & believe in a smokers rights, but I also believe in the health of my child. When I WAS a smoker I didn't smoke around people who did not smoke out of respect & would have never considered smoking in the presence of a baby. I believe every parent has the right to raise their children as they see fit. Even though she chose to raise my husband in a smoking household 30 years ago, doesn't mean I think it's ok for our daughter now. New research shows that babies in smoking environments are at greater risk for SIDS, asthma, colds, ear infections, etc. I don't consider myself "overprotective" but I am protective. Am I being irrational or are my inlaws? Any opinions?
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Re: Are my in-laws out of line or am I overprotective??
you are not being overprotective its natural even with non premmie babies
as a mother of a premmie bub myself i know what you mean
my mother in law doesnt like it when i say stuff like - you can hold her but you must wash your hands first
thats what she need to do anyway as she is a something or other i dont raelly know what she is called but is a garden specailist and plays in potting mix and fertilizers all day long expects to come around and hold a baby after doing that stuff all day long -I DONT THINK SO
but that is my choice and my right to say that as it is yours she is your baby and you do what you have to for her even if that means pissing her off - so to speak anyway
in any instance you get told about the increse risk of sids and other health issues in hospital with premmie babie and are given a number of different information packs before you leave
if you were given them or even still have them what i would do is on the next visit either to inlaws place or them to yours leave them in an open place where she can see them hopefully with them out she might get the bigger picture than
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Re: Are my in-laws out of line or am I overprotective??
It is your right and your responsibility to do what you feel is right for your child, that much I agree with. I also agree that you aren't being overprotective.
However, you can not tell your mother in law she can't smoke in her own home. It is her space, not yours, and telling her she can't smoke just because you are there with your daughter is not right. You go there knowing she is a smoker, so if you don't like it, stop going.
By all means, tell her you don't like her smoking at your place or smelling of smoke/perfume at your place, but you can't force her to stop because it is her right to live her life the way she pleases. What you are able to do, is refuse her entry to your home.
The driving thing. Yeah, it is easier for them to come to visit you, but there has to be some give and take on that too. You can't expect them to come to you all the time, as they have their lives to live as well.
I'm interested in this perfume thing affecting your daughter though. Would that mean no one would be able to use deoderant at all? And what about cleaning chemicals? They are more likely to cause irritation than perfumes. Just curious, and think way too much
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Re: Are my in-laws out of line or am I overprotective??
NO! You're not being over protective... or at least you're only being as protective as your daughter need you to be. I have 2 year old twin girls that were born 6 1/2 weeks early. They were lucky in that they only spent 10 days in the NICU and they didn't need to be intubated. But that said, they still have lung problems. They are prone to asthma. Every time they get a cold, it results in wheezing and coughing and I have to put them on the nebulizer. Winter is extremely hard on us, especially their first winter. Preemies have a higher risk of RSV and they did come down with it, though mild because they were getting RSV shots. Those shots alone was a challenge in itself. I had to take my twins to the pediatrician every 28 days for their shot, for 6 months.
You already see that the smoke from your in-laws body/clothes is causing your baby to cough. Do what you need to do. Stick to your conviction because you're on the right. When your baby gets sick, it is hard on her and on you...no one else. You're the one who will be dealing with sleepless nights and endless worries.
I would even suggest that you stop taking it upon yourself to drive the 40 miles, especially over the winter....in this flu season. The more you take your child out, the more likely she is exposed to a lot of things. This is not to say you must be anal about cleanliness, but you need to be anal about who touches your child.
Hang in there. Stick to your guns and listen to your gut. You do not need to please anyone because your first priority is your baby. You are not doing anything that is rude, so you're doing just fine. You will not always have to be this way, but while she's young you need to do what you need to do.
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. I always wash my hands thouroughly after having a smoke and spray eucalyptus spray all around my house as well. I am not one to judge anyone about how they bring their child up. If you dont want you mother in law holding your daughter due to perfume and cigarette smoke then that is up to you. Never lert anyone tell you that you are trying to dictate to others what they can and cant do as this is not the case. Your mother in law should also think about her grand daughters health and what dangers ther are for her when she is near smoke or strong perfumes. Maybe find a website if they have the internet and get your mother in law to have a read up on the differences there are between premmie babies and full term babies there is a large difference. This may help her to understand more about what harm she is doing than good. Each individual has there way of bringing their children up and i believe that no one should try to make anyone feel inferior for this. You do what is right for your daughters health and dont listen to anyone that tries to make it hard for you. If they do then i would suggest having a chat to try and get them to understand that life is different now than it was say 30 years ago there is a big difference. Ther are also too many toxins in the air that can affect us all than there was then as well. If i go to someones house and they dont smoke then i go outside for one or i dont have a smoke while i am there. My daughter does not smoke and she now has two children when i went to stay there i went outside for a cigarette then would wash my hands afterwards so that i could play with my grand children. Yes my clothes may have smelt of smoke but i think smoking outside helps as the smoke does not hang around as it does inside a house.
