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  anonymous | November 2006

i feel so alone

my partner dosent seem to understand how hard it is for me to do all the household chores and well as looking after our 15 month old whom is starting to walk everywhere, iam 6 months preg' and im constanly getting sore backs and neck pains im allways tired.i asked him to help around the house because he dosent work anymore, but dosent seem to have made an effort.hes been going on the internet looking but single ppl in our area to meet. that breaks my heart. we dont have a good relasonship. we only have ''sex'' once a fortnight, we dont cuddle, talk or even spend time toghether. i feel so lonely.what do i do?

does anyone have the same problem. can anyone help  me?



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Advice List: ALONE

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9wondersoftheworld
November 2006 | 9wondersoftheworld
i feel so alone
All I can say is that your partner is a creep and does not deserve you or your wonderful children, you really have to do some soul searching and weigh up the pros and cons of being in the relationship, a good way is writing down all the good things he does (if any)  and then write down all the things about him you don't like, look at the list with an open mind and heart, (pray about it). It is hard to let go of someone you love, BUT if they are unwilling to change, then bringing up children with one happy, vibrant parent is better than exposing them to a man who is lazy, sly, a lier etc.  If you find that you want to give the relationship a go, by all means talk to your partner, seek a counsellor, centrelink can give you local contacts etc, or the doctor/midwife you see for checkups can get you in touch with a counsellor etc, get yourself some support from family, friends even the local minister  and DISCONNECT the internet!! Searching for partners on line is being unfaithful, there is no excuse for it.  Most importantly the stress and unhappiness is not good for yourself, your child and your unborn baby, so PLEASE put yourself first, and take care of you..... my prayers are with you and please keep us all posted, I hope it works out


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markylou03
November 2006 | markylou03
i feel so alone

it's a hard time at this point in realationships, if your love is still strong it will grow, i have had the same problem only i had a a couple of weeks to go, and my bf made me clean my own waters when they broke. i had to mop whilist in labour. and look after my nearly 3yr old while he slept. it's heatr breaking when you know they are lookin on the single market, my bf had been ringing up that hot gossip chat line i was out d oin shopping i knew he was at home but weren't ansewring the phone so i called the ladies line and what do you know my bf was interested to meet single 18 yrold girls in my area. so i dropped him a line and he goy off quick smart. And i called home he answered i asked what was going on i got bullshit of cousre, so i left him, he is the father of my two boy's i told him he needed to sort his priorities out before he loses his kids, and what do you know we've gotten back together gone through him being a partime dad to on his way to making up for all the shit he's caused. Sorry to swear but thtat's the frustration you face until breaking point, they say something has gotta give if it isn't goin right. if you cant trust him let himknow how you feel, if he don't come to the party, then set him up and leave his ass, if it falls the right way.



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cheleinkal
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | cheleinkal
i feel so alone
Oh you poor poor thing.  I just want to give you a hug.  Number one have you suggested to your partner that you want your relationship to work and you don't feel that it is so what about some couples counseling??
My hubby and I just started and have our 2nd session tomorrow, it has opened both our eyes somewhat and though he hasn't changed as quickly or as much as I had hoped he has made some positive changes so I am content now to take baby steps.  as as small as they are, they are heading in the right direction.

First thing you ask yourself is "do you want this to work out?"

If your answer is a yes and not just in fear of the alternative i.e. financial situation, living situation etc etc.  If you didn't have any of those concerns, would you want to stick it out with this person.

If the answer is YES then persue the couseling, if he wont go, go by yourself, they might be able to help you subtly impliment some changes that he will conform to without even realising.

Idealy though you'd want him to go with you.  I didn't think my hubby would, but he agreed to for the sake of our daughter as we argue in front of her and she is begining to realise when we are mad at each other which is NOT a good thing as she cry's.

I wrote an article about our first session you might get some idea's from.
Couples therapy

We could not have afforded couples therapy on our own but through our child health centre I was reffered to a fantastic psycologist under the "rural womens mental health" banner in Western Australia and it is 100% free to us.  My suggestion is go to your Child Health centre and tell them you need help you are not coping as things are (which sounds close to the truth). I would think they would have some where to refer you. 

Ask your self some other questions and see if you like the answers.  It sounds to me like there is some soul searching on your part to be done becasue ultimately we are the only people who can put us in situations where we can be happy.

Why is he not working?

Does he show your child affection?

Is he a "Father" or a sperm donar?

If you met him these days would you be drawn and attracted to him?
If so Why?
If Not why?

What is Specifically & EXACTLY do you want from him?

How is it Realistically, specifically and exactly do you picture your family life as looking and feeling like?

When you have your soul searched well thought out answers written in front of you re-read them and then write down what your feelings are regarding your answers.

Put them away and mull it over for 2 days, then re-read everything, if your thoughts on anything has changed make a note of it.

This should give you a more exact and realistc view of what you want out of your life, your relationship with your partner and the environment in which you want to raise your kids.

Good luck & feel free to e-mail me if you want to.


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ssedgar
November 2006 | ssedgar
i feel so alone

I know how you feel, i have been there, and am still in a similar situation. At first my partner was working away a lot so i was alone with 2 boys and a house to clean and pets to look after not to mention my partner to run around after when he was home. We have since sat down and had a big heart to heart and are trying to sort things out. I don't want to give up but i know if it comes down to it i will leave if it doesn't improve. It is not fair on me or the boys. Just like your partner is not being fair on you and your children.

Look inside your heart you will pull through this weather with a partner or without. we are always here for support or a sholder to cry on if you need



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zj
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | zj
you're not alone
there is nothing anyone can do that will make the situation better other than yourself. As a mother who's 2nd son was born when her first was 17months old, I know how hard it is to cope with it all.  Talking to my husband worked for me, but it doesn't work for everyone.  No matter what you do, remember, if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after your children.  They also learn from watching.  You'll work it out, you just have to put you and your children first and you will find the answer. 


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noahdogansmum
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | noahdogansmum
i feel so alone

Oh this is heartbreaking. I wish I came here to write some extraordinary advice that will fix this problem easily for you, but Im here because I know something of how you might be feeling and wanted to share it with you. I know about the internet dating sites, and the loneliness of not having a supportive partner.

I could only imagine how horrible it must be, 6 months pregnant, looking into the future and wondering how or if you can go it alone with 2 to look after. I only have one, and thats hard enough sometimes.

I know these things are never as simple as they look on the outside but you could ask yourself-do you love him enough to put up with this? Is he supporting you finacially? Is he likely to be a good role model for your kids? If you answered yes to any of these questions, drag him to some counselling sessions and get some help together. If he doesnt even do this for you, then perhaps 'yes' wasnt the right answer and well, it comes down to you being a single mum-which, to me from what you have written sounds like you already are, just not offically.

If you can get your friends and family around you, or if not find a counseller for yourself and have a good talk to them, find out what help you can get from the government and other organisations-I know where I am there are hostels for women and families in crisis where you can go and they will give you lots of support.

You are not actually alone, I think many of us relate to what you are dealing with. Basically, most men are still children, and if they have a good thing going, why would they change their ways for you? And you cant get them to change. The change is going to have to come from you, but it might not need to be a such big one...

thinking of you...and saying a prayer for you



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aussiedadof4
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | aussiedadof4
i feel so alone

Hey you dont have to feel so alone,there are lots of people out here that are willing to help if they can,there are 3 very important things that you first must do,you must look after your little one then you must take very good care of yourself and the baby you are carrying and if you do not get help from your partner because he is to busy looking for others to flirt with then just say you are to busy to get things done for him let him get  his own meals and coffee and what ever else he has a need for,i feel very sorry for you doing this all alone,i have been there for all my childrens births and the helping of them growing up i will not miss out on them but i can not say that for your other half he will be lonly himself one day and he will have no one to blame but him self, so important things for you to do is look after you and the little one the rest will come to you ,good luck to you and all the very best

                                         Garry



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kym17
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | kym17
i feel so alone
as long as you no your doing your best (thats all that counts ) i wouldnt worry about your so called partner who's suppose to be there for support love & attention, if you cant get out of your relationship just ignore him & look after yourself & your other little person you have , Make sure you dont over do it only do what you can, tommorrows another day as they say, so look after yourself chin up  keep smiling


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trlesc
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | trlesc
i feel so alone

You don't need this!!! Just get out, it's not good for you or your child.  Especially since he is obvoiusly looking elsewhere, he is not committed to your relationship at all. 

If he was, since he is not working, he would be doing the cleaning, cooking etc as well as taking care of you and your child. 

It looks to me as if he searching for a better option and once he finds it he will be out the door.  If I was you, I would beat him to the punch and either take your child and go or kick him out.

You don't need this sort of stress/grief when you are pregnant, it's not healthy for you or your baby.

You are probably reading this thinking of 100 reasons as to why you can't leave, but believe me you can, I did a very similar thing when my children were 4 and 1 and it was the smartest decision I had ever made, I've never been happier.....and that was 10 years ago now!!



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denaastin
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | denaastin
i feel so alone
Hi there. I know how it feels to have a small child and being pregnant with another, it is very hard and tiring and you do need all the support you can get and the one person that needs to give it and help is your husband. It is so easy to say you quit or give up and believe me I have said it several times b/c I have felt so alone and feeling like a single mom (I have a 16 week old and a 20 month old, they are 17 months apart ) b/c my husband was never home due to his job, so I had to take care of my house, two children, the dog and the cat and pick up/clean after him and I finally sat him down and we had a come to Jesus talk about everything and it seemed to help a lot. He is now starting a new job so he can be home more with his family and we have started going back to church. All I can say is to pray hard and sit your husband down and tell him everything you are feeling. I will pray for you and you family. I am not telling you this b/c I want you to think I am trying to rub it in that my man changed, I just want you to know that there is hope for everyone and there is hope for you too. I do suggest counseling for your marriage and your children.  And another suggestion is to surround yourself with great friends and family who are great listeners and give good advice.  If you are like me and have no family around within a two to five hour drive, I have found that my friends are the closet to my family and they have been such great helpers in so many ways. Please take care of yourself and unborn child and also your 15 month old and know there is always light at the end of the dark tunnel. God is there for you, all you have to do is talk to him. Good luck!!!!!!


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Chrysalis
4.65 (Excellent) | November 2006 | Chrysalis
No wonder

Im not surprised you feel bad. With a young child to look after PLUS pregnant you need loads of support.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.  Do not put up with this.

I did write a little about my own experiences (search 'Chrysalis" in the advice and you should come up with depression and counselling ).

If you choose to continue this relationship - get help- you both need help/mediation to open up communication and please access some counselling - if you cant get him to go then get some to help yourself- your partners behaviour is inexcusable. He is a father and needs to face up to his responsibilities or get out of your life.

I wish you all the luck in the world- my heart aches for you. This type of story is so common and its very sad. (((((HUGS)))))))) x



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Jessgore
5.00 (Excellent) | November 2006 | Jessgore
i feel so alone

I wish I had the answer for this one, except I know that if my husband started looking up single people it would be over for me.   I can only imagine how hard this must be for you, I really wish I had the answer..

I truely hope it gets better... xx



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