I have only bein to 2 funerals for older people the rest are all young people thats probably one of the reasons I am so freaked out. the last that I went to was for a family friend 34 years old (heart att) he left a young wife and 3 small kids (the youngest was 5 at the time and she had a very hard time coping with her fathers death) I dont wont to go in details cause I will make you all cry. The one after that I didnt go as it was a 19 yera old boy killed in a bike crash.

Thank you all for your advice on this matter, after long consideration by myself and my husband we decided not to take our son to the visitation or funeral, but to the get together afterwards so he could share his feelings about his great grandpa with his family. We came to this decision after telling him about the death and seeing his reaction, he is a very sensitive boy and it took us a considerable amount of time to calm him down, even today 4 days later he is still quite upset over it. We talked to him about if he wanted to see his great grandpa one more time and through his tears my sweet little boy put his hand on his head and said great grampy is up here!  Again thank you all, all of your answers where thoroughly discussed and I will keep all of them in my mind if I am ever put in this situation again ( which I really hope does not occur!!)

as a child I had no issue with death I had an idea in my mind that you have to be old or sick to die (in most cases both) and I didn't see anyone beeing covered by earth, I would go to the grave after the funeral but even though I knew that the person was dead I never realised the finer details. As a grown up so far I have gone to about 5 funerals and I cant stand it, to be honest I am petrified of the whole death thing I cry when I think that I would one day have to live without my perents or someone that I love or what if they are still alived when they are buried, I even think of donating my organs so it wont come to that (oh I know that it does not happen but I am coo coo and some times I think that). So you are in a very hard situation you cant protect him for ever but you are trying to do the right thing. I honestly think (now that I had time to think about it). Dont let him go, your mother in law can get over it if she does not BAD LUCK, there is enough pain, death and suffering in the world that I am sure he would get his share in his own time, dont expose him to such situation when you know that he would not cope, your child is young a precious, and his great grand father old and I am sure there would be enough people to "send him off".

As a 5 year old my neighbour died she was a lovely women that adored me. In my country when someone dies the person more likely than not is left at home until the funeral (next day) so I remember snicking into the room where she was (with a some flowers I got from the garden) as I walket in I remember people saying oh what is she doing here take her out she is to young but my mom said to me do you want to see her and I said yes she lift me up and I remember touching her hand and calling her name and then I kissed her and that was it. I knew that she was gone and I wont see her again but I didnt know where aor what and that was fine by me. I am glad that I got to see her and in my own way say good bye.

As a mother you know the best expecialy if your boy has problems (my son might have autism as well so I know the need to protect your child) and that normal if you think that it would do him more harm then good dont let him go. just explain to your mother in law tell her that he gets upset when someone is crying ask her if they can hold their tears for few minutes if you want him to say good bye and than take him home. you dont know how he is going to react but it is noth worth experimenting with him. my son does not like when I cry and he pulls my chicks in a smiling position he wants me to smile so I know that that sort of situation will upset him a lot.

my father died when i was 21 and i had three children 4,3,and 6 months i took all of them to his funeral as i thought is was important for them to say goodbye especially the eldest as she and my dad had a very close bond but to make it a little less traumatic for them we gave them special jobs like the eldest lead the pall bearers to the grave and after the burial we gave the kids balloons to let go and we wrote a message on them from each child  ( my daughter's message was i will miss you poppy and your chocolate bikkies) i think it helped the very upset adults too, i must admit my 3yr old son was a bit of a hand full at the church service and i was going to get someone to take him home but decided not to and all worked out. it is a hard decision to make but i just went with my gut instinct and i now think i made the right decision 

No way i think children are too innocent at that age, i was 14 when i went to my first funeral and i was deverstated and i was a teen i couldn't imagine a six year old having to go through it. Kids can attend the wake but not the srvice.

you know your child better than anyone. if you dont think your child is ready to attend a funeral then you have the final say. i dont think i would like my eldest to attend a funeral. maybe you could sit down and speak to them, explains what happens at one, and that ppl there will be very upset, and do they really want to go?

My husband was young when his mother died. He was not allowed to attend the funeral, and to this day, is still not over the whole thing. He never got to say goodbye. I think you need to look at how close your child was to his grandfather, and think about the long term effects.  When is the right age to start attending funerals? 

6 is definately too young, I think, to go to the service. My condelences to you and your family - my Grandmother passed away yesterday, too. My younger two are 8 and 7 - I would prefer not to take them to the service. I'm hoping my friend whom I will stay with hasn't any plans and can watch them. If not, they will have to go.

Thank you all for your wonderful answers, the decision I have to make for my son is not an easy one, I am so torn on this subject. I think my biggest concern is that he has a form of autism that causes him to be very busy, he has very little attention span and is very sensitive, so I am concerned that seeing others crying, or him trying to sit still for the funeral will be too much, but then again maybe it is just me trying to protect him.  I will not be able to attend the funeral due to having smaller children and I am concerned for him to be there without me. Ahhh the problems we parents have to solve on a daily basis!! Again thank you to all, I know I will make the right decision for him, I hope

I was exposed to funerals at a young age (about 5). Where I grew up, everybody knew everybody and so my grandmother (she raised me) always attended funerals and brought me along with her. She even brought me up close to the casket when she viewed it.  I don't remember ever being bothered as a child by funerals because of this. Death is a part of life and I think a 6 year old already has the capacity to understand this, if you were to explain this.

As an adult, though it always saddens me that someone's life was just cut short, the act of going to a funeral is not something I am uncomfortable with.

Firstly my condolences to you and your family,

Personally I have always felt that death is a part of everyday life, you cannot deny that it hapens, you cannot avoid it.

I do not believe that shielding children from death or the processes after death such as viewing the body and the funeral  is a wise decision, everything in life is a learning experience and death is no exception.

No matter what age your child is, learning to grief and seeing grief is another part of that experience, the child is at a critical age as far as learning is concerned and although it may be an upsetting experience to some extend, I believe in the long run the child will gain a benefit from this experience, that being that death can and will happen and that life goes on after death.

It is true of course that you know your child best, however think about it this way if the child does not go, then they will never be able to say good bye properly, this opportunity will never come again, maybe you could just make it a ittle easier by showing him that Pa has gone to sleep and is resting comfortable and not in pain.

That said I have had experience with children and death on more than one occasion, and though I see in another answer that a member has said, that she felt she did the wrong thing by taking her daughter, in my personal experience I have only found that persons that where not able to say their good byes have had major problems and that includes children that have lost loved one's at an early age.

In our culture, it is customary for children to attend weddings and funerals.  I remember going to funerals when I was young and I think that is why I'm not freaked out by the experience now that I'm older.  Still very, very sad for the family, but not freaked out.

That said, we've attended two funerals since Rachel turned 3.  We thought it was a good time just to bring up the subject of death.  Surprisingly those events did not cause alot of questions.  (At other times, we've had alot more discussion). 

We went to the memorials and sat in the back.  Rachel really didn't know what was going on.  Just by chance, she fell asleep on the way to the cemetary, so I just stayed in the van with her.  Another time, my husband just kept her a bit back from the crowd and she didn't get close to the coffin at the gravesite.

I think it's a matter of balancing different needs.  I don't think a chld needs to be looking inside a coffin, but I think the experience can be valuable in showing how we deal with death and grief.  I am sorry for your loss.

Hmmm this is a tricky one.

My opinion is ultimately, you know your child best and what you think they are capable of seeing, processing and understanding.

Personally I did not take my children to their uncles funeral, as it was too sad, but I feel I would take them to their grandparents, to say goodbye. Definatly no veiwing for children that age in my opinion though.

 Good luck honey, for your children and your family

                       Pito

I understand your concern and your wish to protect your child.

Perhaps there could be a compromise--your son could attend a the funeral but not the visitation. My son attended his grandmother's funeral when he was five. My mother-in-law sat in the back with him because I spoke at the funeral. Also, if he became upset or just too fidgety, she could slip outside with him without disturbing the service.

Whatever you choose to do--and it is your and your husband's decision--I'm sure you'll talk to your son about what is going on and provide him the opportunity to talk about his feelings. There are several good books out there to help a child deal with death.

Alot of "bereavement specialists" believe that children as young as three years old are equipped to attend both a funeral and a burial at the cemetery. Kids need as much closure as adults and these rituals satisfy that need. Parents or other loved ones should explain to the child what will happen at the funeral. A child shouldn't be left alone at a funeral service or ever be forced to go to a funeral. Children need to be able to say good-bye too, especially if they were close to the deceased.

Always prepare children for what will occur. Describing the funeral process step by step (what they will see, how other people might react, how they might feel) can help allay children's anxieties about the event. It is important to reiterate that crying or not crying are both OK. Extra attention and affection from adults may be necessary so that children do not feel forgotten or neglected. It is helpful to make arrangements with a trusted adult so a child can leave the funeral or memorial service early if he or she wishes.

Children should never be forced to view or touch the body......they need to be given a choice that will be respected. If they are going to view the body, it is helpful to remind them that death is final and describe how the body might look. An explanation could go like this: “Great Grand Dad will be lying in a wooden box called a casket. He will look like he is sleeping, but he isn't. He is dead. His chest will not rise and fall because he is not breathing.”

For some children, touching the body may satisfy their curiosity, be a way of saying goodbye or be an expression of love. A child sometimes needs to touch or see the body to know that the death is real. If the child decides to touch the body, he or she should be told that the body will feel cold and hard. If a child does not want to see or touch the body, an adult could relay that he or she saw the body and that the deceased was not living or breathing.

Children should be asked if there is anything they would like buried with the loved one. It is often comforting for the child to place a small gift, a drawing, a letter or a picture of himself or herself in the casket.

If you do choose not to take your children to the funeral, they may not understand where "Great Grandad" has gone - if they knew him well. I suggest you do not use words like "gone bye-bye" or "turned into a star" when explaining to your children what happened to him. If you say, "gone bye-bye" the next time you bid someone farewell from your home or even from meeting them in the street you may say "bye-bye" and your child will associate either their greatgrandfather as walking away as this person just did or think the person walking away is never coming back. If you say that "Great Grandad" is now a star up in heaven... you may at another time tell your child that they are a star for a school concert or other achievement... the child may associate this with you never wanting to see them again or with you or your husband being sad.

Firstly, I am sorry for your and your family's loss.  Unfortunately, my family has experienced the death of loved ones far too often in the last six years. My daughter was one when a close family friend passed away. We took her to the funeral and the wake but not the viewing. Since then, there have been four deaths of very close family members, deaths of those related to our friends.  She has been to all the funerals and so has my son. There were viewings at each of the services and I would not allow my daughter to go to. The only one that she wished to participate in was for her grandfather whom she was extremely close to. I do not believe that children need to see the person that has passed. I know when I went to my first viewing I was 16 and it was an extremely traumatic experience. I did not want her to experience that.

 However, I think that if you are open and honest with your son about what happens at a funeral and what it means, he will be ok to attend. My daughter has learnt alot about the "circle of life" and still has many questions. She understands that grieving is a normal and healthy process and that a funeral is not just about sadness and mourning, but also about a celebration of the life that was lead. Subjects came up in the eulogy that we would never have thought to talk about. She still asks  about those today. I believe that she is and will be a much better person for experiencing those things. She is very empathic and has no hesitation talking about death. She has even been a huge comfort to those in pain because she is not afraid to talk about those who have passed. Admittedly there have been some pretty traumatic services but  I was always willing to talk her through it and hold her tighter. It may be a comfort for your MIL to have her grandson there, but you and your son need to be comfortable with the decision. I would draw the line at the viewing though. Also I believe the wake is a great place to see people sharing stories of happier times. I hope this helps. I wish you all strength and courage during this difficult time.

Hi there,

Firslty my condolences to you and your family.

I am working on visitation (meaning a viewing) as that is what it is called where I live.

When my eldest daughter was 7 her grandfather passed away and i like you felt she was too young for the visitation and the funeral. But i was out numbered by my ex husband and his family.

So she was taken to both. Sadly the visitation left her traumatised as she wasn't ready for that.

Now she is 15 amd she still talks about it. She still say she wish it was just the funeral she had gone to as she loved her grandfather very much and she had wanted to remember him as he was.

Follow your instincts. Basically when it comes down to it only YOU really know what your child is ready for. Trust yourself to make the right decision.