Parenting Question and Answers - Telling children no, without too much detail

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HOTMAMA | December 2006

Telling children no, without too much detail

Cheyenne has a friend at school whom she would like to stay the night with. I am overly protective of all of my kids to begin with, but I know that for her to grow and learn she needs to do all of the things other kids do. My problem is she wants to stay at "A's" house. "A" and Cheyenne recently had a falling out because "A" told Cheyenne she had been blind folded and raped and is pregnant. Cheyenne told me, and I told her we would talk to the school about it, because it could be a cry for help! "A" got very upset with Cheyenne for telling me. It is all worked out now. After I spoke to the school, "A" was absent for a week. She is back now, and at first she was avoided me, now she is back to being herself. I met her brother yesterday, she lives with her sisters and brothers, all 10-19, and her brother told me that the other brother is in Juvinilee hall. They live with their father, I am not sure where the mother is. I just am not willing to let Cheyenne go stay the night there! How do I keep saying no with out hurting "A" and Cheyennes feelings? I have said that "A" is welcome here ANYTIME. Just in case there is something going on and she needs a safe place to come to. HELP!

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	December 2006 \| duritz

Telling children no, without too much detail

Just tell her no and that you don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe have a talk with your daughter about the values that are important to you and your family and your household, and explain that you would prefer her to be in environments that are similar.

I wouldn't let my daughter stay there and would be wondering where on earth a child was exposed to things which put ideas about being blindfolded and raped into her head in the first place!

I think in this case you need to not be concerned about hurting "A"'s feelings. They may only be friends for a little time, but if anything (lord forbid) happened to your daughter, you would never forgive yourself and your daughter would have to deal with that forever!

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	December 2006 \| claudine1

Telling children no, without too much detail

u are definitely doing the right thing by not letting her go there. If she is only 9, u have to make sure to meet the parents first and also let "A" come to ur house for a weekend to get to know the child more. There is something that sounds weird in "A" story, she is only 10 and at that age kids make up story to get attention. I am not saying that it is not true that she was rape and pregnat but did the school mentionned that she was having any problems when u went to talk to the principal. Just tell cheyenne that u love her too much to let anything happen to her. U would not be able to forgive yourself if she would go and that the rapest would be under the same roof as her. Make her understand that u would not be able to protect her at that time. Tell her if she gets mad about it, ask her what she would do if she was the mother and her daughter would ask her to go to that girls place after what just happened. She might be mad with u for a while but she will realize that u were right. Don't worry about overprotecting ur kids, that is the way a mother should be and there is to many out there that just don't care enough. Be proud of yourself for being good to them. Take care.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2006 \| exquisite-flower

Telling children no, without too much detail

Honesty is the best policy, even if you need to water it down a little due to her age. I dont know what I would say until I was in that situation - whcih is a few years yet.

You know your daughter and it sounds like you have a very open relationship. Use that to advantage without abusing it. She will appreciate it even if she finds it hard to accept. Good luck

Peace
EF.x

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	4.00 (Good) \| December 2006 \| bleshu

Telling children no, without too much detail

One of my 10yr old sons friends parents are dodgey as.... I think they may even be drug dealers. I just told my son that I think his parents are dodgey and as it is my job to protect him he is not playing at their house. I think you should tell your daughter the truth, she will thank you for trusting her with it. Ask her to be discreet about it so she doesnt upset her friend. She already knows that something bad is happening to her friend so tell her that if you let her stay there, knowing the bad things could be happening to her in her own home then that would make you worry. Kids understand way more than we give them credit for.

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	4.00 (Good) \| December 2006 \| breannababy

Telling children no, without too much detail

Hello there, I am over protective of Breanna,better safe than sorry I say.With my other children,they weren't sleeping over till I knew the parents personally very well.I was lucky usually all the other kids wanted to stay at our place so I had no troubles.Look I think keep your door open to the other girl and just tell your daughter in a simplistic manner the truth behind your decission.She may be dissapointed for a while,but as you know her safety is paramount.I think the camp out in the back yard is a top idea.

You did really well in the situation you decribed.regards Merle

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	3.92 (Good) \| December 2006 \| Tadexpress

Telling children no, without too much detail

You have done everything right and its a dilemma that you are in and I sympathise with you. You havent stated how old you daughter is so I am assuming early teens, either way I think upfront and honest needs to be the way. She may not be thankful now but she and you will be later. She obviously understands the content of her friends disclosure and she needs to know that you are only trying to ensure her safety. She also needs to know that when you are discussing this you are treating her as a grown up and expect her to keep your discussion confidential. Things happen in the world dreadful things we can only do our best to protect our children and that means knowing where they are and what they are doing, I learnt the hard way I trusted another parent with my youngest when she was 12 and didnt know that for 6 mths she had been allowed to drink bourbon and smoke, sleepovers are no longer little giggly girls having fun in some houses :-(, mine is now 20 we survived some very turbulent times with her but I often wonder if it would have been much easier if I had just said no when she was 12.

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	December 2006 \| HOTMAMA

Telling children no, without too much detail

Cheyenne is only 9, her friend is 10. Way too young for this kind of thing!

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2006 \| monyq83

Telling children no, without too much detail

whoa. you did the right thing. i wouldnt have let my child go there either. god knows what they would get up to. was "A" definately pregnant? and how old is she just out of curiosity? is there a reason that cheyenne doesnt want to bring her friend home? if shes worried about being embarassed because she doesnt get enough privacy at home, how about letting them pitch a tent in the back yard? this gives them a sense of freedom coz theyre out there on their own, but make sure they pitch the tent close to the house, (just use some excuse like the house will shelter them from the wind or something lol) and keep a window open, that way you can hear everything that goes on in there, and if they light up a smoke (i dont know if hteyre old enough for this, throwing out random scenarios) you will be able to smell it coming thru your window and htey wont be able to get away with anything. i know its kind of giving them a false sense of security but who wins here, you or them?

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| December 2006 \| lexiw

Telling children no, without too much detail

Great suggestions

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