Just a quick afterthought Mark. You woman may resist your comments about parenting, as did mine initially, because it make her feel inadequate as a mum. She knows, I believe, that she has not done a wonderful job in parenting alone, as is obvious by the continual misbehaviour of her young men. She doesn't need reminding by you she may feel. She also may be feeling that it's too late to do anything re/ helping them now at their older ages. Wrong.. it's never too late. But the changes really have to start with you two.

I'd suggest that you do a 'communication course' on good listening, as she obviously needs a sympathetic ear and someone she can truly convey her innermost feeling to with fear of judgement or disrespect. No doubt you want to help her too so go for it. Improve & prepare yourself in dealing with the situation. Acquire the tools to help her and her young men better.

Suggesting them to leave home may cause rifts with you all. Leave that one until all stops are pulled, as she may just put them above you if confronted with this one and you'll be the one leaving home. Just hang in their mate and show her lots of patience, love and support and do the same for the young men as well. It'll pay off in the end.

Mark if you can help move their mum away from anger into peace and love then you will move greatly into gaining their respect and support. Their behaviour is a result of her behaviour and as such they also need to deal with their anger problems. That is harder for you to be involved in than with your lady. You need to work on her. Support her as much as you can, encourage her by complimenting her on what you like about her and what you see her doing well, because surely there are good things she does, otherwise you wouldn't love her.

I agree that you should not be embroiled in any anger outburst. It's a good idea to move out of the 'anger' situation. But make sure that when things have cooled down and at the appropriate time, that you state your feelings clearly to all parties seperately. You could say something like, "I felt so embarrassed/ uncomfortable when you screamed like that at them because it made you look so different from the person I love and respect." To the young men you could say something like: "I really feel embarrassed & hurt  for your mum and you when I see her anger outbursts like that  because I know that it will only cause pain and division amongst us and is not the right way to deal with the problem." In each case you need to listen carefully to their answers as they may give you some clues as to why they act this way.

It all boils down to communication. She is not able to communicate adequately, without anger, her concerns or feelings. She needs to relearn how to express her anger in an appropriate and non-damaging way.

My wife also had this problem. She had lots and lots of bottle up hostilities inside her which would erupt into abusive angry outbursts often unfortunately at her young children and even at me too.  I made sure that I did not over-eact. That is important. One person needs to keep their head in these situations or chaos and disharmony reign. As hard as it is you have to try not to take offence but remove yourself from the anger and look at the situation from the outside in. Consider: What is causing her to be angry? If it is the young men's behaviour then what are the solutions to this? Brainstorm yourself what you can do about it... make a list of all the possibilities and then evaluate and prioritese them. If they are able to be initiated choose the one you feel most comfortable with and try it out. It may just work. If not move onto the next one and so on.

I know how hard it is to deal with in this situation Mark. You obviously love this woman very much and want this to work out but it seems that you much is against you. Her disrespect for your opinions on parentting, the young men's behaviour and so on. But by being patient and consistent in your behaviour you need to show them that you really do care for them and that you want the best for them all, as a family. That you want to help them, hear what they want to say. Earn the young men's respect. Take time out with them on what they like to do. Talk to them and get to know them. Tell them your feelings about their mum, honestly. Perhaps a wonderful relationship could develop eventually with you all as a family. Good luck.

My first question is why is she taking her 18 and 20 year old sons shopping? These are not boys, they are young men, and perhaps part of the problem lies in her inability to cut the apron strings. as long as she treats them like kids they will accept it until the times comes when there is something that they want to do and she objects. I suspect this is when the yelling starts! Also when she lashes out at you, it most likely is just left over anger and frustration and you just happen to be in the wrong place at the right time. Since you are still together, it says alot for you both! The one thing I would suggest that you suggest to her is that the next time she feels like she may explode, to try walking away and not have a screaming match with her sons, especially if she starts calling them names. It dosen't matter how old you are, digrading remarks from your parent always hurt! Perhaps a bit of anger management would be helpful. you cannot always be the buffer! Just one more thought has there ever been any talk of the boys moving out??????? As to your question,of course you can be a good parent. You do not have to have a child of your own to show love, understanding, interest, compassion and friendship, and if that is a part of the person who you are and it sounds like it is, then you are as qualified to parent as anyone else!

Here's a book for you:

Non-violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg

The problem in these kinds of situations is that everyone involved can feel judged, evaluated or misunderstood and that's a recipe for disaster.

Your girlfriend feels like no one really understands what it's like to parent these kids.  You feel like your strengths as a communicator are being pushed aside.  The kids feel that their life experience grants them the right to express their anger in this particular way.  The task is to release the flow of empathy so that you can begin to connect on a soul level about all these things.  Once you get on this page, you'll make relational space for your girlfriend to express her sadness and grief about how things are going with her kids.  Then you'll be able to express your genuine compassion and the door might open a little for you to offer the kind of support she needs to relate to her kids in a more open way without using anger as a mask for the deeper problems there.

I think if you can internalize even the most basic outline of NVC, you'll see quick results.  Here's the website if time is of the essence.

www.cnvc.org

I really agree with Tadexpress.  Definitely you can be a good parent without having birth children of your own.   Adoptive parents do that all the time!

But I doubt this is about your parenting skills for your lady (even though she may use that as an excuse).  I am in a similar situation in that I'm a single mum and have been seeing my boyfriend for a little over a year.  He hasn't had kids, and hasn't even had the live-in experience with a child that you have had.  Sometimes when I have problems with the kids he starts to offer me suggestions and I find I just take offense to it.  It's not cause it's not good advice or that he doesn't know what to do, it's just that when he says those things to me I feel like he's criticising my parenting ability.  What I want from him is for him just to listen to the hard stuff and love me and support me and affirm what I'm doing and encourage me. 

It sounds like your lovely lady has had a really tough life and has probably had her self esteem rocked.  I doubt her reaction really has anything to do with you, it's probably just triggering something for her which maybe she doesn't know how to talk about.

Best of luck with everything.  I hope the two of you can work this out well.

 

The short answer is yes you can, having children isnt a prerequisite to being a good parent and the only person who can give advice. Quite often the person looking in can see the overview or full picture much easier that then person in the middle - if it werent that way thousands of counselors would be out of work. However, I would think that this lady may use this as a way to support her own confidence rather than having to admit there may be an alternative way to dealing with things. people do what they know, when they are stressed they can revert to behaviours learned in childhood. When she is telling you about an incident, ask questions like and then what, what happened next....in the case where she got the boys out of the car you could have asked what happened when they got home? The reality is that there is more than once side to a story and whilst you appear to be wanting to give love and support she is only in the telling of the story and very likely just wants to you listen and not offer advice. Support comes in different ways, it may just be in the listening or it may be I can see you're upset what would you like me to do, hug make a coffee. Im a fixer, people tell me thinks and I atomatically want to fix it. I have learned the hard way that help comes in all forms and does not necessarily mean I have to fix it. You seem like a very nice person, who loves this woman very much, I hope she realises how lucky she is to have you. Just take a step back and you'll be fine, if you wish to challenge her talking down/ swearng at you then do it when she is over her tizzy, she wont listen while she's all worked up. Good luck!

where are you? You sound to good to be true,you won me over

Maybe u should ask her to sit down and read what u just wrote to us. Ask her not to say anything during and after she read it, just to think and read again what u wrote. Everything she needs to know is right there in your questions. After mention to her that u don't want to argue u just want to be understood also. With the love u have for her she should understand. Take care and thank u for being so good to this lady.

Oh my goodness where have you been?

I could of done with you when I was a single parent raising my two children.

What a lucky lady she is to have you.  Sounds like your patient, understanding and willing to do anything and help what more could she want and your not even the biological parent.

I say your the best thing happening in their family at this moment someone needs to have the sanity control..............LOL

Well I wish you well and hope things work out.  One thing I have learnt amalgamated families have alot more issues than ones that dont so there will be alot of discussion need by all parties to work through any differences.

Merry Christmas to you....................