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anonymous | February 2007


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how to introduce sisters/sideburner

This is a two part question.

My husband and I have a daughter together. She is just under a year old. My husband also has a daughter from a previous relationship, her birthday is coming up pretty soon. She will be 8. My daughter and my stepdaughter have never met, the reason being that she lives far away and we haven't gone to visit her since her birthday last year. On her bday last year, i was very very pregnant and showing. We explained to her that she was going to have a little bro or sis and she had a little smile about her. My husband never did tell her when our daughter was born; he didn't want to tell her over the phone and we had planned on making the trip but it never ended up happening. My first question is how to we go about telling her when we go visit her in a couple of weeks...we can't just surprise her with a sister who is almost a year old. How to we make this easy for my stepdaughter, how should we present her little sister to her? Anyone have any ideas...

Also...my husbands ex and I have never met, we've spoke on the phone once and everything was fine there, she's got no problem with me and I don't with her. Anyway on my stepdaughter's birthday, my husband is going to drive her to school, then go to his ex's house to set up the party, then pick up his daughter from school and then they're going to have dinner and then have her bday party. My problem with this is that I was not invited and all I can do is stay locked up in our hotel with our daughter the WHOLE day...it is a big city so I don't know my way around and we'd only have the one vehicle. I feel selfish in saying that I have a problem with this but I do. I don't want to be locked up in a hotel room, much less with an infant child who's not going to like it either. I feel like we are being put on the side burner. I want to be involved with my stepdaughter...SHE is my family...she is my daughter! I can't handle us not being a family. I know I can't invite myself to the party but I do n't know what i should do. My second question is am I being selfish or childish...i don't want to compete with his daughter but it feels like I am.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| claudine1

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

No u are not selfish. If u need make him read this message. U r his partner in life now, what goes on with his oldest daughter involves u and he should of mentionned to ex that if he is invited u also have to be there. I would not even think of doing that to my husband if i would have a child with an ex, tell my husband wait in motel room while i go and have fun. U should be involved and just go with him, even if ex don't agree she doesn't have a choice. U are part of her daughters life to and i think she might be pulling a little jealousy trip on u because of the baby and all. I would tell my husband that u will be there with him and ask him how he would feel if the roles would be reverse. Don't let the ex say "it will damage my daughters emotions, or feelings and it is her day, etc......." it is all bull...... Go. Take care.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| Britt

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

you have everyright to feel this way when my sepdaughter (3) came up for christamas my mil told me it was just her, my husband and my daughter going, for a start no one was going to take my daughter anywhere near someone i haven't meet and mark and i are a family now i come with him he isn't just going to play pretend happy famlies because thats what she wants.

it sounds to me like they are not accepting you, you need to put your foot down adn say this is my husband we are a family and we come with him it isn't just him on his own anymore. so if they want him to see her put your foot down tell him iam part of the family as well so i have every right to be there. hope this has helped and remember you are not being selfish you are just putting your families needs first which is what we all do!! Brittxx

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| metrozing

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

Would it be too much for your hubby to phone two weeks in advance and ask, "Hey ex-wife (not sure of her name) WE have been talking and WE would like to contribute to the party. What can WE do to help? Money towards pizza? Kiddie-Gifts for young guests? Cake and Ice Cream? Pinata? WE really want to do something so just tell us what WE can do to help you"

Goal: He is saying "WE" which lets her know that you are included and he is trying to be a helpful dad which all moms appreciate. I think he should add, "WE plan on arriving an hour early if that is ok with you. WE can help with last minute decorations while you get ready."

Part 2
Why not ask her the best way to introduce their daughter to her new half-sister.

Remember, this may be a "tough situation" for the ex wife (seeing him and his "new" wife and "new" daughter)

Personally, I think he should do all the communicating initally.

Good luck ; I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

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	4.42 (Good) \| February 2007 \| blackwidowkate

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

Hi
Time to tell hubby to get over it and if you are going to stay with him and be a part of his life then it is all or nothing
I am sure he would be pretty offended if the shoe was on the other foot.
We often have family functions where the step mom to my kids is there...It is about the kids not you hubby and the ex.....
Whenever i send a invite to the kids father it included the whole family not jsut their dad......they love their step brother and step sister......
The daughter would probably love to have her little sister there.....so she can spoil her.
Hubby should have taken the initiative and told her about he new sister when she was born......for that she may be angry with him as she has missed out on a whole year with her sister.
Talk to hubby tell him how you feel and tell him to ring his ex and tell her that he is bringing you and see what she says...for all you now the invitation may have been meant for all of you anyway......
In the end if you think only of the kids it is all or nothing
Just my thoughts
Luv Deb

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| zacsmum

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

Oh my, I too would have a very big problem with not being invited and I can't understand why your daughter is not going to the party. What is the reason for that? It is not being selfish of you at all and you need to ask why your being segregated.

Personally (prob not the right thing to do) I would not go at all, to just be stuck by myself and excluded from everything.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| breannababy

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

I know you must be feeling a little left out at the moment,I think you should either talk to your hubby or the ex about how you feel.Perhaps they are just trying to spare you and your little one an upset routine?just a thought I think that if you let them know how much you would like to be apart of the celebration they will be only to happy to have you there.I think perhaps your hubby could tell(on the phone) the birthday girl he is bringing a surprise and then let her know when he picks her up from school,maybe have a little pocket photo album with pictures from birth to the present moment.Do it up as a gift from the little sister to big sister.I think it is wonderful that you want to be a big part of your step daughters life.Best wishes regards Merle

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| rockclimbr4400

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. The fact that you want to be a part of your step daughters life, your husband should be proud of you. You sound like a great mom. I would refuse to stay in the hotel. You aren't being selfish or trying to spoil her day, you are trying to add to the fun of her birthday. If I were you I would call her up on the phone and tell her, remember the last time I was pregnant, well when we come for your birthday your little sister will be celebrating it with you. And maybe if you had a small present from your 1 year old that is to her step sister. That would be fun too. Good luck, you are doing the right thing by wanting to be in your step daughters life, your husband is lucky that you are so supportive and involved with ALL your children.

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| lexiw

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

Firstly I think your hubby should tell his daughter when he takes her to school what better present than a new sister. Secondly if your hubby dosn't want you to be part of his daughters life then I think he is a very silly man. I think you should tell him how you feel and that it is not right to exclude you from these family times as you are his family too. Why dosn't he want you involved with his daughter? Why does he think it is ok to leave you and your baby in a motel room all day alone? Personally I think he is being selfish and a bad dad to your baby. I don't think you should have to be invited to the party I think it should be that you don't need an invitation it should be a given that you are automatically there. Good luck dear

Lexi xxx

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	February 2007 \| MadMel

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

I agree exactly!

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	5.00 (Excellent) \| February 2007 \| upinchina

how to introduce sisters/sideburner

I think your 8 yr old stepdaughter would be very happy to have a little sister. You may want to buy each a shirt that says "I'm the big sister", and the other says "I'm the little sister" and everyone would be happy. As for the party, if your husband wants you to treat the 8 yr old like she is your stepdaughter then as a stepmother you should be there. I don't see why that would be a problem and why wouldn't she want her baby sister to be there? I think keeping segregating the two families perpetuates separation.

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