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^ year old crys all the time.
I am the father figure for my fiance's 6 year old daughter. Her and her daughter use to live at her parents house until she was 5 years old. My fiances' mom says you need to raise a kid by always giving them what they want. When they cry give them anything to get them to stop and kids at 6 years old are to young to help around the house or do things for themselves. Her and her daughter moved in with me and we have been giving her time outs, having her help around the house.(i.e help pick up toys, clothes, help fold clothes, etc.) She will cry when she doesn't want to brush her teeth, go to bed, practice for soccer and cheerleading. We tell her to stop crying and she crys even harder. We give her time outs or send her straight to bed and she crys and throws a temper tantrum. We have tried the comforting and holding concept, but it seems she crys even more when go that route so we have shyed away from it. We also take toys away for a bit. When she is done crying we talk with her about her crying. She will tell us she doesn't know why she is crying or won't answer us and thinks that all she has to do is sit there and not answer us and she will get away with things. She is so use to this routine from the grandmas house and she has not been living there for over a year. When she visits grandmas, grandma lets her do what ever she wants and doesn't respect our wishes and says we are being to harsh on her by giving her time outs and all. I don't know if this is a emotional problem, or if she thinks she has been getting her way for 5 years why can't she get all the time. When she crys, she crys for hours on end. When I tell her her toys will be taken away, or time out nad go straight to bed, she crys even harder and doesn't understand that if she stopped crying she would only get a time out, or toys taken away, etc. I was wondering if anyone can give any advice. We have tried to take her to talk to someone, but the grandparents say that is abuse to a kid. No kid should go through that. Just turn cartoons on or a movie and she will stop. It is hard with the grandparents on the side. Please, Please give me advice. Remember I am afather figure to this child, she is not mine. She sees her father every 2 months or so and he gives her what ever she wants cause he thinks he still needs to show his love cause he doesn't see that often. I don't know if this is a issue with her or just with the rest of the family. or all. Thanks for any advice.
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^ year old crys all the time.
I can tell you that she cries all the time because she doesn't have a feeling of security. She's never had any structure or discipline in her life... and I can guarantee you that she probably cries more at grandma and grandpa's house because she doesn't want the things they are giving her... she wants them to support her and give her guidance. Unfortunately, she has no way of knowing this is what she wants, nor does she know how to ask for it.
The best thing you can do is have a conversation with her about her behavior and why it's wrong. Do this when she's in a good mood. Don't do it with a blaming tone either and involve her in the conversation. Ask her if she recognizes the behavior... if she can feel when she's about to get upset or have a tantrum. If she can then make up a signal word that she can use to tell you it's about to happen... and try to make a game of it. If she doesn't then talk about what happens right before... and ask her to start paying attention. For instance, does her mind go blank or her palms get sweaty. She might start to recognize the pattern pretty quickly.
Once she does start to recognize it and you make up a special word that she can use to alert you, make a chart and give her a star or special sticker for every time she uses the word. Then tell her that when she feels the behavior starting to happen and she uses the word, you can all talk about what is upsetting her and how it can be fixed.
Also explain to her that she won't be punished for throwing a tantrum or getting upset, but when she behaves that way you will not talk to her until she calms down and can talk to you in a calm way. Let her know that a problem can only be fixed when everyone can talk about it calmly. When she does get upset, don't just walk away. Calmly tell her that you understand that she is upset and you're going to give her some time to calm down and then walk away. This tells her that you acknowledge her, but you will not tolerate the behavior.
Once she calms down then you can all talk about it. Oh and don't forget the praise. If she uses the special word and lets you know she's getting upset make a big deal out of it. Congratulate her and let her be the one to pick out the sticker and put it on the chart. Maybe even offer her something special (but not food... never reward with food) like a small toy or something for every 10 or 20 stars/stickers. Also if she does cry or throw a tantrum praise her when she stops and gets her emotions under control. Tell her that you're proud of her for controlling herself (even if the tantrum lasts an hour). You'll find that if you do this, the tantrums will be fewer and far between... and will not last as long.
Another thing you may want to do is make some house and "going out" rules and consequences. Let her be involved in this too. You'll be surprised what kids can come up with. When you make a rule... like for instance "no running in the house" also make a consequence for breaking the rule like "a 5 minute timeout for running". This way she will know what the consequence will be if she breaks a rule.
What I plan to do with my daughter is I'll give her 1 chance in a day to break any one rule... I'll give her a warning and remind her of the consequence. If she does it again then she faces the consequence. We have to face the fact that kids often forget, but as long as they learn that there is a consequence to everything we do... they will have more respect for the rules.
When you make the rules concentrate on the things that she most often gets upset about and go from there. Don't make too many at once though... she'll get confused and feel overwhelmed. I'd start with 5 and then add a new one each time a problem arises.
You may also want to get her into a daily routine. You don't necessarily have to stick to a time schedule, but having a routine and knowing what the rules of the house are will help her feel more secure.
And about the grandparents... you can't tell them what to do in their own home, but you can teach your daughter that the rules are different at her grandparents than they are at home and that's ok. When she's at home she follows your rules and when she's at her grandparents she follows theirs. A lot of people think this is confusing for a kid, but it really isn't as long as it's made clear to them. You might even find that her behavior will change even when she's at her grandparents because she's getting what she needs at home with you.
Hope this helps!
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^ year old crys all the time.
Unfortunately, it does appear that the grandparents and other influences in her life have taught her how to receive instant gratification by crying. Although, I do believe that it is the behaviour, rather than the causes of it that needs to be addressed. Grandparents need to respect you and your wife's position and firstly, you both need to agree on the child you wish to raise and present a united front. Your wife needs to explain to her parents exactly her terms for discipline and giving or not giving the child exactly what she wants - your wife may need to be present when she visits to (re-set) the parenting style. Giving them everything they want is just another way of telling them to be seen and not heard.
Next, I really believe the relationship between her mother and the child needs to be strengthened and the discipline for now, be done by her with your support. I believe children need at least one parent that sets the rules for all the other adults to support and usually this is the mother. Consistent rules and boundaries will re-set the behaviour and I say with experience to make sure you have a list of things you and your wife won't compromise on and will not let the grandparents compromise on - eg. hitting, screaming for unreasonable things etc...Although at this age, they do start school and this can be a major change in their lives. So she will either learn it from you, or learn better behaviour at school where she can't cry for hours...
Since, she has been under a different parenting style, I would lay out the rules that the family including the parents agree with - ie. hitting or something that is so obvious that the grandparents would have to agree with..and build from there picking your battles...sounds like a need for the supernanny - her book is really helpful here!!
One tip she recommends is allowing your 6year old to express her feelings in a "feelings box" that her mother can read and if she is okay with it, so you can read. This helps with learning to express herself in other ways without fear of punishment and teaches parents compassion and seeing her a little person in her own right. Good Luck.
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