I would suggest, first, talking to your bloke about what you expect from him and his son BEFORE you get married. People forget to have the parenting conversation and end up getting divorced not long after they have kids.  Talk about discipline, house rules etc.  Then sit down with your new step son and the 3 of you should come up with a set discipline plan.  If he doesnt pick up his clothes he gets video games taken away etc.  This way he will know that he is part of the family and he is responsible for his life in a way. 

Step kids have a tendency to think they have lost their lives, that they are no longer in control and they are no longer important (I know coz I was one, and I watch Dr Phil LOL). 

He will also know that when you enforce the punishments, that it is not you being a cow, you all decided on them and it is your job as an adult to follow through.  If for some reason he decides to ignore your discipline, wait til his father comes home and let him deal with it. 

The main point and I feel the most important is that you and your husband remain UNITED!  My husband is not the natural father of my 10yr old and we have ALWAYS backed each other up.  If I dont agree with something he has said or done to our son I tell him LATER!  I never back door him infront of our 10yr old EVER!  My son has to follow through with what ever punishment, no matter how unreasonable I feel it is and I talk to my husband about it after things have calmed down. 

UNITY is the biggest key.  Kids are smart and they learn very quickly how to divide and conquer.  My mother did the same as I do and backed my step dad up all the way (we hated it) however my step father back doored my mother all the time and his kids made them argue all the time. 

So talk to your husband first.  Go in as a united front and stay that way, but involve your new son so he doesnt feel like he's being shoved out and is no longer important.  Good luck

talk to your partner about your worries ask him what he thinks is right and wrong when you should say something or leave it up to him. tell him you dont want to step on any toes so you need to know whats what so when he misbehaves you know what to do as it will be your house too.

My stepson was 11 when he came to live with us.  He established early on that he didn't want me to be "motherly" towards him.  So I am not.  We are more friendly than loving.  That being said, we also argue a great deal.  I think that it is more me than him but that is another story.

My suggestion to you is this....talk with your future husband about parenting and parenting styles.  It is important that he be the primary disciplinarian.  But you need to know how to and for what to discipline this child for because there will be times that you will need to.  You need to know what rules and expectations you both want in your house, and be supportive and consistent with everything you do. 

Talk to your future stepson.  Establishing a good relationship with him is paramount.  If he has respect for you and what you do, you will have a happier household.

If you are having trouble, communicate.  With your husband, stepson, professionals, who ever you need to to make it work. 

Congratulations and good luck.  Everything will be fine.

Angela

Start off by watching daddy....   How does dad do it... And don't be afraid to ask your husband any time....

For me I would always ask the hubby if I went to far, or if what I did was ok.. Be sure that if your husband thinks you over stepped the line he will tell you...

With my step daughter I always let hubby take the lead in disaplin. But when I was alone, I would always tell the hubby what had happened.  I also asked him that if ever I should over step the line (which thankfully I have not), to take me aside and tell me. Not to do it in front of my stepdaughter.

Just watch the hubby, I am sure you will pick things up from him and you will do fine. There will come times when it will get rough. Just stand firm on what you believe and always consult the hubby.. Maybe not always but if you think you have done something you should not have it helps to have the hubby on side, let him know if you are having trouble.. Never be afraid to talk to the hubby and ask him to step in where needed... I had to do this with my step daughter, but we also had a language problem so she could never really tell if she was getting into trouble by me so I always had to call for back up..

eventually you will know how to do it all.. You'll do fine... 
Good luck and congratulations on the wedding, may it be a beautiful day... xxx

I would treat him as he was my own ,But  i sit down with your parter and ask him if your worried about it . As there be nothing worst frighting with each other over the  child .

My three step daughters i treat as if they were my own , at frist it was hard for them but at time went on evrything turn out great ,if i wasn't sure what quite to do i leave it to dad to set the punihment . i hope this helps best luck to you and your new family

I understand how you feel.  I have a nine year old step-daughter, and although she does not live with us, it can be pretty difficult when we visit because she doesn't have the same mannerisms or same way of being raised as I would want for my biological daughter.  Nonetheless she is my daughter.  Because we are visiting, we try not to discipline so much and just try to have a good time.  Her mom pretty much sets the rules and we abide by them.  There have been times that I have spoken up and tried to somewhat discipline her, and my husband has agreed to it...he's pretty quiet about it all though.  It was just me telling my stepdaughter that she shouldn't ask for food if she wasn't really hungry...she does this alot, we pay for food and she takes ONE bite and she's full...big waste of food and money.  So I just told her that it wasn't right to waste food blah blah...and she understood and wasn't upset or anything.  She did get upset with me a few times when we went on a road trip and were skipping through the radio and there were some songs she wanted to listen to that I didn't think were appropriate...it was the hip-hop channel with some pretty sexually explicit lyrics that a nine-year old shouldn't listen to...and she knew all the words.  She said her mom lets her listen to it all the time, under my care I wasn't going to have her listening to it.  Her Dad agreed.  So I haven't really run into any major problems, but we will be moving to where she lives in a few months and while she is at my house, there will be respect on both sides...I don't see a problem there as long as I am showing her respect...I think as long as you make your step-son feel like you treat him as your own and you don't isolate him or whatever it should be ok.  You have every right to be in on decisions being made with your husband regarding the child...if your husband wants you to treat his son as if he is yours, then so be it...you are his step MOM and with that comes everything...all or nothing.  Good Luck and I hope there's never a problem that arises that the three of you can't handle as the family you are!!