Glad to hear you've got a strong marriage. Do you fight about this often? Regularly? I learnt years ago in my counselling practice that "it's never about the shoes". If this subject comes up repeatedly as a dispute and never seems to be resolved, then two things come to mind: Either you both just need to let off some steam (he for feeling like the invisible man and she for feeling like she's never appreciated and her work will never end) or you're actually fighting about something else and "who works harder" is just a convenient hook to start the ball rolling. Next time you have a set-to, try drawing a line under it and quietly going inside yourselves to see if you can each find what the real problem/issue is. What are your feelings? What are the triggers? You might find that you each have a different problem. Once you get it/them out in the open, you might find that it isn't as bad as you think. You'd be amazed at how often problems can masquerade as other issues. Above all, respect is the key. In any dispute (whether real or imagined) there need to be "rules of engagement". Problems can be more easily resolved if the issues don't get swamped by personalities. Establish some no-go areas that are not to be brought up in the argument; the places you are both vulnerable and that serve no resourceful purpose in the resolution of the dispute. You'll find that the nastiness will pass quicker and that you both will take fewer emotional lumps - therefor less resentment if there is a next time. Anyhow, think on it and see what comes up.

So, why DO we "fight" about this?!!  You've all made me think about this (again) and I've decided that when my older girls get home from their school musical practice, I'm going to kidnap my husband for an hour or a half! and go for coffee with him! 

Sometimes I think that is part of it.  We don't often have the time to appreciate each other as partners, instead its this constant,  "well, you didn't..." or "I never get time to....", "Why can't you......?" You know what I mean?  We're tired, rundown and as many of you say, feeling unappreciated, and definitely NOT seeing ourselves as individuals, people, nor dareIsay, sexual beings.  I know I don't often take the time to do much more than brush my hair and teeth unless I have to go to the school or appointments and the like.  I find myself realizing that its been yay long since I took the trouble to look nice for ME, let alone my husband.  I find myself abdicating the bathroom to the girls, often, one runs out of steam waiting, there are other things to do, so I get left behind!  I find too that the one-upping happens more when we haven't had any time to be adults together!

theres no point in banging you head against a brick wall , its easter weeknd let him have them for a day lol he will soon change his mind haaaaaaaaa,,,,, other then that i wouldnt even bother bringing it up lol

my new husband did this ONE time, we have a 3 year old and reggie is 9,(emotionally much younger)

i was actually very hurt by his making some "i wish i could watch soap operas all day" because we dont hardly ever argue about anything

so i took one saturday and told him i had somewhere to go with his mother and by the time i got back the man was ready to fall over

needless to say he realizex real quick that he may have hours but mine dont stop, his 10- 18 hours(he's in school also) dont come close to my 24-7

by the way i'm going to amish country with the girls from church at the end of the month, he'll be alone with them for 2 days...c how that goes??!!

I go through this also. My husband doesn't realise how hard it is looking after a child. I agree with everyone  here in what they've said also.

I go through the same thing all the time. I think what it is is that we don't realise what the other goes through during the day. We all know that we work hard, but hubby doesn't know what we do during the day and we don't know exactly what kind of a day they have had in terms of how much work they have had, so we aren't actually 'seeing' the physical side of each others occupation - and lets face it being a 'domestic goddess' is a full time job. And perhaps there is a little resentment in there because they get to go out and away from the children whereas we are with them all the time.

When the kids are finally asleep hubby and I go our seperate ways for a little while, he on the computer and me watching  tv or cleaning and then we alwyas meet in bed for a cuppa and some chocolate to talk about our days. It doesn't always work, but it is nice to have it to look forward to.

I hope this makes sense, it's sometiems hard to write what you are thinking.

We go through the same thing every now and again i've come to the conclusion that it really doesn't have anything to do with "one upping" but more to do with feeling appreciated, not just saying to each other that you are appreciated but really feeling it as i am stay at home mum too and my husband is a Police Officer so he's gone for 13 or more hours a day also. You just have to learn to accept each others tiredness and crankiness and look past it as by trying to "one up" each other neither of you are really getting what you want. Of a night when our kids are in bed i will start by rubbing my husband's shoulders and then he will do my feet.... it's just something little but it shows appreciation to each other as well as affection that we recognise each others hard day. sure it doesn't always work as i might be just a bit too tired and cranky to want to do anything and just wanna yell and let off some steam but that's okay too and mostly it does work!!   Good luck i hope this helps even just a little!!

Amanda.