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Not parenting but please, please give some advice!
I have an uncle who has been on his own all his life. He has worked from the time he left school at 15 and has had pretty good jobs. He was a bank manager at one stage, that got too stressful for him so he left and started a job at Social Security which is now Centrelink. He worked his way up to manager in the Seniors department but towards the end started working more and more with single parents and that got too much for him again. He was there for years and the last straw for him was when a mum came in with a 2 year old, smokes in her pocket, looking like she'd just stepped out of a salon, the child was filthy and she was asking for money even though she was on full benefits. She then told him she can't even afford to buy nappies for the child and sat the child on his desk, at which time foeces came out of the nappy all over his desk. The mother made no attempt at cleaning it up at all, and it was left for Centrelink staff to do. She was seeing him because she had spoken to other staff at the front desk and got nowhere with them and demanded to make an appointment with a manager who knows their job. That would be my uncle. Being from Seniors department where lovely elderly folk who were respectable and respectful, he was not used to this kind of thing and made up his mind about what single mums were like. I'm a single parent. He does not like that. He's had a breakdown recently and is living with my mum, jobless for the first time ever, and has a massive debt he can't pay off. He won't seek assistance from Centrlink saying it's a matter of pride. He won't declare himself bankrupt again saying it's a matter of pride. He's finding it difficult getting a job since he is depressed and not really trying hard. My mum arrived home from work to find photos and things blu tacked to the walls she just had painted. She was away for the weekend and has just arrived home to find he has painted the floor in the room he's in. She said she can't say anything as he is feeling very down and thinks he's helping. When he visits us, he yells at my little one for things that I don't even have a problem with normally such as putting on her own movies, bringing her toys out to the lounge room, etc. He even called out to her while she was in the toilet saying she doesn't need to use so much toilet paper! My problem is that my mum needs a break from him, he wants to stay with me, but being without transport he would be home the entire day alone, just with the dog for company. My mum would have to bring him down one weekend and then he'd be stuck for at least a week until she could pick him up again as we live in different towns. I know what he's done at her house, he even rearranged her lounge room and when she said it was impractical the way it's set up he became suicidal! There are lots of rules at my house. The house was painted just after Christmas and although I'll be painting one room soon, the rest of the house does not need it. I like the set-up of it. I can't afford to make him meals and have him feed the dog, which is also what he does at her house. How do I set down the ground rules without the risk of him becoming suicidal? I can't afford to have him damage the house, I can't afford for him to feed the dog our food, and I really won't be putting up with him trying to discipline my child when it's not his place to do so! But he's so fragile at the moment I'm not sure even how to broach the topic with him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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Re: Not parenting but please, please give some advice!
Jeez Louise.......what a situation..................Everyone is right, he needs healp and I think you're (and your Mum) are going to have to bully him a little bit for him to get it. You have to be the tough love neice, it's your home so they're your rules....right them up and pop them on the wall somewhere...I did that wen we had borders because I was to woosey to state things etc. and it worked pretty well, I also put a copy on their bed side table .....so there was no excuse, and if he says, what this, then you say, they're the house rules, I thought it would save a lot of time making you aware of them from the start rather tan me correcting you if you do something that doesn't work in my house..........sounds reasonable yes?
Hide all your painting stuff (if you have no shed shove it in your ceiling cavity through the man hole.....he has no money to buy any painting stuff so don't give him access to any...thats that problem solved. Explain to your daughter that Uncle_________ isn't feeling very well and if he seems a bit grumpy then thats why. Tell her to be very polite to him and use her good manners but don't get upset, if she has any questins about what he says come to you and talk about it and you'll sort it out....thats all you can do there I reckon. ing his old work collegues and let them know whats going on, someone with some counselling experience might be able to drop in for a cuppa and help begin to sort him out and or at least give him a face saving way to receive the unemployment or dissability benefits he is intitled to after years of paying his taxes.
If he brings it up I would gently mention that their is no pride in failing to pay your bills (what ever he is in debt for)....surely, the bank ruptcy laws are in place for a reason and if they are needed then he has the option of begining again in the future with a clean slate (sort of), rather than being hounded by debt collectors etc.
Pride is a funny thing, it is good if it is pride in your appearance, your home, your children etc. but can be a double edged sword when it is used as an excuse to cover up for what may be a personal embarrasment...............some how you need to subtly get him to change his perspective in this attitude and you'd be the better judge on how best to do that seeings you know him.
If he worked there for a lng time, is he not entitled to a pension or something? I would contact his old boss, see what they can do, surely they will care enugh about him to be able to offer you some advice at least.
I would take him in (make a deal with your Mum, a week with you, a week with her, so'it doesn't get to much for either one of you. Oh and give him soemthing to do...weed the garden..walk the dog...as they say, excercise is a good step in relieving depression and he sounds as though he does want to help...giving him specific tasks (and specifically how you want it done) might actually help you out adn help him come out of his gloom. I wish you and your Mum and your daughter and your Uncle all the best....xo
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Re: Not parenting but please, please give some advice!
I know it is a tough situation, and I see that someone has already given you the link to beyond blue - definitely look into it and if you can speak to someone and get advice do it.
I notice that you are talking about all the problems involved in having him, and worried about what might go wrong. He might surprise you, he is miserable and pretty much down and out at the moment - and the change of scenery could help him a lot. Be compassionate, and if it is a week of your whole life that you are inconvenienced, then so be it. When you look at it, it is only about 2% of the year, and there have been and will be many years in your life. Make a decision that will make you look back without guilt, and make the best of it.
Don't be too ready to lay down ground rules, what and see what happens, and treat any event if and when it does. Good luck, and best wishes with it.
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Lexi xxx
