Hi,

To me it sounds like you and your partner are both grieving over this. I don't think that your partner doesn't care; I think you are both just dealing with this in different ways.

You want to process your emotions by talking about them, crying over them, thinking about them and so on.

Sounds like he wants to deal with his emotions by not thinking about them.

Neither way is worse, just different. Perhaps if the two of you can work out that each other is grieving in a different way, you can prevent the resentment from building up and driving you apart.

If you feel that he is ignoring your feelings, you will end up resenting him becuase you will think that he dosen't care. He'll probably get angry at you because he wants to hide away and you won't let him.

If the two of you are aware that you are grieiving in different ways, you can respect this and work through it. Perhaps you could consider some professional help to get to this point.

I hope that things work out well for you both, and the two of you can heal together.

Well advice is it, now why would you be needing advice on asking your partner to see things from your perspective. If he loved you then he would make the time to ensure you are supported in this "joint decision". This is a big step in both your lives, you wish to talk and that is natural and good, he does not. Why? Is he so uncomfortable with the decision that it has not to be mentioned??? I think you should both go to neutral counceling just to make sure you are both reading from the same sheet.

If he is so uncomfortable with his decision, then perhaps he has not really thought through all the issues, with you properly. One thing I will say is that if you cannot talk openly to your partner about everything that affects you as a couple then any future relationship is going to be very hard to maintain. This is a big, big step you are taking with life long repercussions of emotion, please rethink and insist that he attends counceling with you, just to be sure.

Luv,Winnie.xxxx

aw sweetheart! i feel so much for u wish i could give u a big hug! my partner and i found ourselves with an unexpected preg, he was supportive but in a non commital way so it did my head in it was only after i found out that he really wanted our child but we weren't in the best place to have a baby. Silly boys!

I was angry for a long time after pretty much cause Mick didnt stand up for me, i felt alone and my family thought they knew me better than i did and i let them tell me what to do with my body but after 3 years i can finally see the 'positives' in it

please please minti mail me after the procedure i have a great site that was my lifeline when i started to self destruct, while this site is great it is for mothers and i still sometimes feel weird being on here because i am not but iv had nothing but support here (thankyou minti ladies!) but its not the same as being among other women who have experianced an ab women who have decided to make this decision that u never hope u have to make.

there is also a group on here called 'abortions' its in my groups and iv put a little info on there

we are all here for u gorgous! (lol my spelling sucks!)

i had to have a termination just alittle younger than you and i went through exactly the same thing, problem is even after i went through the ordeal i ended up going into depression about it and didnt really like the person my partner was or me for that matter. You are going to feel angry and you will think about the child you lost for quite a while i never forgot what and when i went through as i have it in my diary and know exactly when i went through it each year it reminds me but i think that helped me in a sense... As for your partner do you think that maybe he could actualy want to keep the child but has to put up the barriers as its not manly to show affection and emotion or do you really think he can be that insensitive... he needs to realise that you are the one going through the invasive surgery and not him and its also your emotions that are in tethers. If he doesnt understand this than maybe he isnt as supportive as you first thought...

no-one can condeme you for having a termination and the fact you have talked about how you feel is amazing the first step in becoming stronger about the situation, you forgot to mention if he is going to sit with you in the clinic whilst you wait to go up and if he will be there when you leave as this is the time you will need him most i know my partner didnt even carry my bag to the door or even wait whilst i had this done he went home and asleep and wondered why i was pissed!!!!

mail me if you wanna talk somemore about it but i'm here for you and so is everyone else and no-one will or should judge you at a time like this as you judge yourself to much before during and after..........

love sheila.xxxxx

i think you really need to reconsider who you spend the rest of your life with.

im not trying to sound mean but if he really loves you he would support you all the way, and be more thoughtful of how you would feel after the abortion.

if it helps to talk to someone about your feelings you are more than welcome to mintimail me and we can have a chat.

I think you should have some counselling before you make such a big decision.  I also think it sounds like you are doing this because this is what he wants, maybe not what you want. 

Take your time, think things through as much as you can.  I don't know if you have considered adoption but that is another choice available to you.

My biggest piece of advice for you is to seek some counselling.  I would imagine planned parenthood or whatever agency you would go through could direct you down the road.  I would avoid a church based counselling because in my experience, they push their beliefs onto you and you don't need anyone being pushy right now.

Best of luck to you.

Angela

Firstly, the decision has to be right for you too.  If you don't want to terminate, then don't.  Your body, your choice.

I had to terminate a pregnancy when I was 14 weeks along due to a problem that had occurred at the 10 week mark ( I had been hit by a car).  The choice for me was simple, my life or both me and the baby dying.  I had to go through it all alone and it was tough, really tough.  You are going to need support behind you before the procedure and after, so talking to your gp about it now will help you. 

I don't know what country you are in so can't tell you about laws for termination, but in Australia, you have to have pre procedure councelling as well as councelling afterwards too.

Personally, I don't like the idea of terminating, but only because I have struggled to have babies over the last 10 years (many miscarriages), but if I was put in the situation where it was necessary to keep myself or my family safe, then I would without a second thought.

Please, Minti mail me.  I'm more than happy to be the start of your support network, because you are going to need one.  No one has the right to judge you for your choice, as clearly, being homeless, you have no security to offer a child at the moment and ;you are still studying.  If I were in this situation, I would find it to be the right choice for me and the baby.  Our foster care systems struggle as it is, and a child is the most precious thing you will ever have, so it is important that the situation of that child coming into the world is just right.

Your boyfriend is going to need councelling too, because it will affect him, no matter what he says.  His attitude is to bury his head in the sand and pretend it is not happening.  Trust me, it affects the men too.  Talking as much as you can now about it will help.  He can mail me to as he is probably going to be worried about how you are going to cope

I respect your decision, which had to be a very hard one to make. But i feel you need to be able to talk about your feelings, this is a big decision for any woman and there will be alot of different emotions that you will go through.

And if your in a relationship, you should be able to talk openly to said person or this could bring some resentment between you, later on down the track.

If you can't talk to him, i think some counselling maybe the way to go....to help you deal with this ordeal your going to go through and the emotions that will come with it.

I wish you all the very best in whatever you decide.

hey my partner had bi polar social phobia etc and in his family etc he has neva used that as an excuse!!!!!!!!!! im preg with twins im tuff enough to keep them even if he was using the whole bi polart trick on me i would telll him to get help coz i would think his not think bout the whole picture... u cant plan havings kids trust me i tryed lol they will come hahaha sorry if i seem rude but i hav such a high veiw on this i hav heaps more to say but will leeve it at that

Hello

First of all I think you are very brave for what you are about to undertake and don't feel alone as there are many people ( including me ) who have been throught the same thing! I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant although I had a partner who supported me I still felt alone, so you are a wonderfull young woman.

I know you want him to see things from your point of view but you can not force things upon people, if you are planning to have kids one day then this should be something you can both talk about or what other secrets will he not want to talk about? through the proper channels they should offer  counceling before you go through this or you can contact your local council and they will offer, for a small fee, couples counceling.

My mum always said don't waste time on someone who won't wast time on you, talk about how he feels first and then if he wont or he does'nt want to talk then just do it anyway, you are important and so are your feelings and don't ever let anyone tell you how you should feel or how you should approach life and remember just because he can not see things the way you want and with the passion you want does not mean he is'nt seeing it with everything HE has!!??

You are undergoing some huge emotions here and anything you want to do or feel just let it happen, only you know yourself best and don't think it will be easy because it wont but you will get thorough it and it will stop hurting and when you are older and you have planned baby's you will realise that what you did was for the best and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!!!

Sal xoxoxox

Hi there

I have been thru this situation exactly. I was 22 and i was in a relationship with a man who didn't want the baby. I was unable to keep it for reasons that i dont want to be made public, but either way, i had to get a termination.

Once we had decided that we would terminate, it seemed that that was it for my partner. He had washed his hands of it and there was nothing else to discuss.

He came with me to the clinic, and he was there for me the whole day. But when i needed to talk about how i felt, he dismissed my feelings and made me feel as thou i was being irrational. He even told me that i was whinging about nothing, it wasn't even a baby yet. I could have killed him.

Basically you need to talk about it, you need to be able to tell your partner what is going on in your head. It is not uncommon for women to slip into depression after a termination. I dont have any way of MAKING him see sense. But i would make sure he is there with you.. You will have to see a councellor before you get it done, make sure he is there and you tell the lady (or man) everything you are feeling. That way he will have no choice but to hear it.

If you want to talk, feel free to minti mail me.

Hi,I have not been in your shoes so I can not completly understand,but I think before you have this procedure done you are supposed to have some counciling.Maybe you could both go to a few sessions and the counciler maybe able to explain to your partner the emotions you will feel afterwards.I am sorry to hear of your situation ,but is there any other option like family that can have bub ,or odoption.

My step daughter was thinking of having an abortion,but changed her mind a few days before as her boyfriend was forcing her to have one as they were in a similar position to you.I know you have made your decision and is ultimately your decision, nobody else can make that decision for you,but please think hard about it as I know many  women suffer many emotional problems afterwards.I am not judging you ,but maybe a few counciling sessions for the both of you would be of great benifit.

                                                                Cham

It is a very brave and hard descion you have made. It is very uncaring of him to not support you. Do you really want this level of support for the rest of your life? Is he going to ignore all the hard things in life and clam up. He doesn't sound like a very caring man. You need to be with someone who will support you and understand you. Good luck with this.