Thank you everyone for your comments and suggestions.

I spoke with his mother yesterday , only because SHE brought up the subject. She asked me if he really behaved or if I was just saying that he was. I assured her he really was a very well behaved boy for me. No crying , screaming , hitting, or name calling all the things I was told by mom to expect. And to my suprise she told him she was proud of him. I know kids are different from home , to daycare to other peoples home , heck my son deffinately is. And I just told her that and when he is"good" or being well behaved i thank him for being such a good boy and listening to me. I let her know this helps him to continue the good behavior. I suggested maybe if he starts being " bad" at home, focus on something good he did and tell him thank you , this goes a long way in insuring future good behavior. Hope she gives it a try!

I think this boy is being brought up in an authoritarian household, which results in a little boy who things the worst of himself and that he can't do anything right. It is a very terrible way to grow up and I hope that his parents realizes this.

Thank goodness for people like you who can see this. You are doing great by telling him he is behaving like a good boy and then telling him exactly what behaviors he has done that is good. It will show him that he CAN do good things that other people appreciate.

Emotional abuse (also known as ‘psychological maltreatment’ or ‘psychological abuse’) is a pattern of behaviour by a person having the care of a child which results in damage to a child’s self-esteem or causes the child to suffering some form of significant emotional deprivation or trauma. Emotional abuse is based around verbal rather than physical harm. It includes patterns of ridiculing, denigrating, or scapegoating a child; threatening, or scaring; rejecting or ignoring a child; isolating a child from normal social contacts; and involving a child in antisocial or inappropriate behaviour, such as crime, violence or substance abuse.

These days, children’s experiences living in a household where there is domestic violence (violence between parents or intimate partners) is often considered as a form of emotional abuse as a child may be emotionally harmed even when that have not directly witnessed the violence.

There are few physical indicators of emotional harm. In severe cases, emotional abuse may cause delays in physical, emotional or mental development, such as speech disorders, self-harm, depression and failure to thrive. A child experiencing emotional abuse may:

• Have low self-esteem.
• Display unexplained mood swings.
• Display age-inappropriate behaviours, for instance, overly adult (parenting other children) or overly infantile (thumb sucking, rocking, wetting or soiling).
• Be withdrawn, passive, tearful.
• Be aggressive or demanding behaviour.
• Is highly anxious.
• Has difficulty relating to adults and peers (DHS 2002).

Taken from NAPCAN website.

If you think this child is being emotionally abused, please contact the Child Abuse Report Line. Otherwise, just maintain as much consistancy as you can for the child and treat him no differently to any other child. He may have figured out that acting the way he does gets him special attention, and if you fall for it he will keep it up and play you like a violin.

I would like to take a slightly different view to everyone else. What can create a bigger problem is if you overdo the 'good boy' routine. If the parents are constantly using the bad boy approach then going to the other extreme can cause problems.

Keep everything natural and praise him when he deserves it. If his actions fall into the mainstream of what is expected then a simple thank you at the end of the day is sufficient. If he goes out of his way to be good then praise him.

Remember also that although he is only 4 and at this age their behavior can be very different. He may well be an angel for you and a little terror at home (we have a five year old like this). That doesn't excuse the language that parents use of course.

cheers

les

Some parents don't deserve to have kids.  We say our girls are naughty, not bad, when they misbehave, as they see the word bad as yucky or dangerous.  Just the way we have taught them.

The way the mother reacts seems to me that she just doesn't care about her child, and maybe child services need to be involved to give her a kick up the bum and make her wake up!   You could even try and get a counsellor involved if you think it is that big a problem, and lets' face it, this will only get worse the older he gets.  I won't go into statistics, but look at the bigger world around you and you will understand what I mean. 

I'll get my other half to stop by, if he hasn't already.  Might offer some more advice on how to deal with this.

It's really sad to hear a story like this.

The main thing you need to give kids is consistancy, not one extream to the other. It is my belief that the boy will do well if all his teachers at school treat him as you do as he will grow to love school and prosper. It could be enough for him to change his own life as and when he is able.

There is not alot one can do for parents that are not willing to listen.

Keep up the good work.

Kindest Regards

Robert

Some parents need a good kick up the butt! I know a little girl similar to this boy. We see her with her mother & brother on the way to school. Almost everyday the mother is yelling at her, one day she threatened to smack her in the head! The little girl gets told to stay behind the mother & brother then the mother rips it up her for being behind! The poor little thing cops it bad. She is a sweet little girl. She's in the same class as my youngest & they are friends.

I just make a point of saying hello to her when we see her going to school. She usually ends up walking with us. One day when she was a fair way behind (her mother had gone past us) we waited. She had her head down. I said, "hi, honey, how are you?" Her face it up with the biggest smile! I really think she needs some kindness.

So, with your little boy, what you are doing is great - giving him the encouragement & praise & showing him kindness. Do you use reward charts with the kids you care for (like star charts)? It sounds like this little boy would get plenty of stars quickly - something you could show his mother! Or give out 'merit' awards - another thing he could show his mother. Basically, it would be like sticking it to her, showing her that her little boy is not bad!

My son is 5 in a couple of weeks and he is doing this, I am thinking it is just a stage.  My mum is a psychologist who has lots of experience with school aged children and I have asked her about it, it does it to because he knows he gets a reaction, like when he is in time out he says stuff like "I can't do anything", "you hate me mum", and I have NEVER told him that I hate him or don't like him or anything like it.

When he talks like that and he is not in time out I talk to him about how wonderful he is and all the things he can do and how clever he is, when he says it and is in time out (usually cause he hit his brother or some such thing) I ignore it.  I am hoping that he will grow out of it soon.

I just want you to know that it could be a phase, not saying it is, but it could be.  We are very caring parents who have lots of valuable time with our boys, neither of us speaks to the children about being bad or removing love or anything like it, we have both grandmothers close by and they dote on our boys, and yet still my son says these things.

Breaks our hearts too.

Jodi

Yes speak to someone about it, especially if you have talked to the mum and she doesn't care. I think the other thing to do is just continually reinforce in him the good that he is doing. Print out special little certificates for him to show his parents etc. This might go a little way in building his own sense of self back up

Hi ,sorry I have no real advice here just wanted to say this poor kid,I think the damage has been done by his parents,they need to be the ones praising him.You can say it many times that he is not a bad boy but at the end of the day he probably goes home and hears it again his parents calling him a bad boy.I would be looking out for other signs of abuse he is clearly being mistreated at home.Poor little fella.

                                                                Cham

Hi honey,

OMG - this poor little boy . . . I STRONGLY believe that he is being abused at home!!! . . There are lots of different form of abuse and I believe by what I have just read that this little man is being mentally abused and this is one of the worst ones as far as I am concerned . .

I believe that you really should contact the Child Protection Unit in your area and discuss this with them! !  As a child carer I am sure you are aware of how to get in touch with these people ..

When it comes to this child you really need just to keep doing as you are . . This poor little man has no self esteem and truly believes that he is BAD . .  It;s so sad and I have tears in my eyes . .

PLEASE contact Child Protective services and get the ball rolling for this little man . .

Cheers Kellz