I am having a similar problem with my 7 year old little girl.  I have found that taking her to a councelor has been the only thing that has really helped because she hates to have to talk about her downfalls & the councelor is "on to her."  She can't talk her way out of a situation there because she's accountable.  When I tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, she ignores me, but when the councelor says it she takes note.  I think she's also embarassed than adult knows about her unacceptable behavior & that she has to talk about why she did it.  The only thing I can say is to stick with it.  I stopped going when the behavior got better, but then started up again because she just reverted back.  I think we need to go longer in order to completely kick the bad habits.  I just wanted to let you know that there are other frustrated Mom's out here in the same situation.  Hang in there - things will get better!  You obviously care enough to seek help from other parents - things will turn around with consistency &  perseverance!

I so sympathise with you.I have twin boys aged 9 and one of them especially drives me to despair. My blogs are nearly all about him and his behaviour. It's so hard isn't it? My boy says he doesn't care when he gets into trouble and doesn't care what consequence we give. In public if we're out shopping he is even worse.I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions but you have all my sympathy.Best of luck,Lisa xx

I would definately suggest talking to his teachers at school. I know you say that he has good grades etc, but is he being bullied at school? Sometimes they will not talk to you about it but he may reveil to someone else, maybe someone else in the family that he talks to. Talk to your son first but also good to get other opinions and help from outside. The school can be very good to go to for solutions.

A couple of suggestions. Have you tried getting him a punching bag? These are great for tantrums, and for taking out frustrations. Every time he feels like yelling or fighting, remind him of using the bag. Go bash the crap out of it. Make sure that both kids know this is only to be used by the older child unless HE invites the younger one to use it. He can yell at it, punch it, kick it whatever, but stress that he is not to do any of this to you or your husband.

Also maybe try a diary. this can be for any time he feels jealous of the positive attention that the younger one gets through behaving well. It doesn't have to be very detailed, but it could be a way to get the emotion out. Let him know that he can write anything in there that he is feeling and what is causing it. Then after a few days ASK him if you could read it with him. Then if he lets you, discuss what has been written in there. You might be surprised at what comes out.

And of course talking to him and reassuring him that you love him works well. As one of the other ladies said, tell him you will always LOVE him, but you do not LIKE the behaviour or words or whatever.

Good luck with it all.

Have you tried talking to him? I mean sitting down for a conversation. It might sound obvious but not many parents do it. Find some time for just the 2 of you (when I had a similar problem with my daughter I gave her a day off school so we could talk).

If you have a talk, first ensure him that he will not get into any trouble for anything he tells you. Ensure him of your love & that you just want to help him. Then ask him if there is something wrong. Something at school? Another child? A teacher? Yourself or your husband?

If he says no to everything, tell him you think there must be some reason for his behaviour. During the talk, continue to ensure him that you love him. You can tell him that, though you love him, you don't like him when he is behaving the way he does.

Banning him from his games may not be enough. Take them away completely. He might show he doesn't care but he will. The longer he is without them the more he will want them. He will try the 'don't care' attitude as a way of getting them back.

Failing all that, maybe go to a family counsellor. Someone who can talk to both you, your husband, & your son. They can help.

Yes, he could be starting into puberty, but I agree with your thought of how extreme he is. Have you spoken to a doctor? There may be an underlying issue. I don't want to scare you but severe changes in a child's behaviour can sometimes be caused by medical problems.

Good luck!

Have you consulted with anyone re his behaviour? It's just possible it may be related to his diet.

We had a similar problem with our daughter at age six. She would catch her toe on a chair and BLAME the chair. Everything was always someone elses fault. She was well behaved at school, but would come home and lash out. We consulted our Pediatrician who told us that child will hold things in at school and be better behaved, but then when they get home in a setting that is safe & comfortable, they will release all the stress, tension and anxiety that they accumulated and held in at school. The key for us was staying calm and not reacting, b/c often they are looking for a reaction. In calm moments (not during rages) we explained that "blaming" others in unacceptable and won't be tolerated. We used a reward system instead of punishment system. We used to 'take things away' as punishment, but she always felt defeated. Then we took a clue from her school teacher and flipped it. Everytime she does something good, she earns a paper ticket. The tickets build up and she can cash them in for special rewards, treats, etc. She worked with us to determine what the rewards should be, then we assigned them with a value (25 tickets). When she has bad behavor, we tgive 1 warning then take a ticket away if the warning is ignored. I don't get angry, I just walk over to the ticket envelope and remove 1 or several tickets as needed. With in a week or two, we noticed a significant change in behavor. Kids often act out to get attention (which your 9 yr old may be doing if he feels he is in competition with his younger brother). If you reinforce that you love him as much as his brother, every day, he will begin to believe it. Also, I tell my kids: You can get positive attention or negative attention from me, it is your choice. The ticket system has been successful in focusing on postive reinforcement and we continue to have great success with it now, over a year from we started it. Give it a try.  Be firm, be calm, be positive and give him a huge hug every day.