Hi guys. I could really use some advice on how to approach this issue. I spoke to my ex about a month ago about the state of his house. It's honestly filthy. Even other people have commented to me about it. Even the kids have made comment. The kids have suffered from skin rashes and worms which I really feel cannot be helped by the state of his house.
I brought the subject up with ex about a month ago. Ever since then he has insisted on dropping the kids off every time. But today I insisted on picking them up and although there were minor improvements, its still filthy. So now I really need to do something about it for the kids sake. Does anyone have any ideas about what I could / should do?
Who has the most custody of your kids? is there an agreement through the courts or just between the 2 of you?
We can't tell other people how to live, but if you think it is affecting the health of your children, might be worthwhile putting it on record that he doesn't clean the house properly.
I also have to say, some peoples definition of filthy can differ. My mums is when she can see a speck of dirt on the outside of the house etc etc, so perspective is important too. I'm not the best house keeper, but our house isn't walking away on its own and we can at least walk through the house without feeling like on a circus ride.
My ex's place was the same and I didn't know at the time what better to do, so I ended up arranging for him to have the kids at my place and I'd go out... to come home to find my place in the same sort of condition but at least I could clean my place up after he left and the kids got to see him still.
I've since learned better. There's several approaches, the refusal of visitation until he cleans it up is one way. Another that tends to put the willies up any parent to get off their butts is to contact DoCS and tell them your concerns and if they think it appropriate they can arrange for someone to go and have a look, and if they think he needs it maybe even get some help for him. Having a social worker type person turn up at the doorstep tends to get most people that need a bit of a shove in the right direction off their butts.
Good luck with it, it can be so much like pushing mud up hill with a pointy stick at times.
I feel for you this must be very concerning for you, I would approach him and be straight out let him know until he does some-thing with his house(clean it up) he will only be seeing the children on day visits as this is affecting the children .
I would try and sit down with him either at his place (so he's more comfortable) or in a neutral place and just talk to him about your worries for the children's health.
Let him know you've noticed he is trying. Offer to help him as he may not even know where to start. Ask him if he's okay, as it shows you're concerned and not just picking at him.
Sorry I'm not much help.....it's hard when I don't know his personality or how he may react to certain things......
I have to agree, but rather than say clean it or no kids which I doubt you have the legal right to do, maybe you could contact some of his rellies if any live near and help him organise a cleaning bee and if he doesn't take up this incredibly generous offer to provide a clean and healthy home for your children to live in whilst they're in his care then you'll be contacting your solicitor for full custody no over night visitations day trips outside of his home only by the law. Should he force you to take this action then DSS will probably be called in to asses his living conditions (this bit is probably bull, but it sounds believable) he's obviously a lazy pig in the cleaning department and even if germs wernt the issue he is setting a revolting example to your kids. may the force be with you. xo
I would give him an ultimatum, clean up ur act or no more visits. its putting ur kids at risk and its not on, basically if you make the effort to provide them with a clean safe enviroment, so can he! its not easy to tell people they r messy but it involves ur kids and u have to be strong and stick to ur guns.
Thanks! It's a really hard thing to do. I thought just telling him would be hard, but with him ignoring what I say, I really do need to take stronger action.
i have been thinking about it, is the reason he has lost his pride or will to care about how he live because of depression or sumthing like that. my ex went like that after we split and stopped caring about himself.. maybe thats somehting u need to talk to him about'
I honestly don't think he knows any better. His parents house used to be just as filthy - and I truly mean filthy. Dirt and food stuffs on the floor and on the benches, clutter everywhere for months on end. Black spots on the floor where something sticky has been dropped and all the dirt has ground into it.
I think he's actually in a good place at the moment. He's just got a new girlfriend so in a happy place.
I would be straight out with him. I would not let the kids go there until its clean!! I know this isnt fair that the kids wont see their dad till his cleaned the place up but its cruel that the kids have to go there and stay in the mess.
I guess I am a bit worried about the fall-out. I don't know if he'll just lose his head over it or try and take me to Court, or whether he'll go the other way and just abandon the kids and not see them anymore, which would just hurt them so much.
Hey, Just talk to him, if his going to loose his daughters cos his lazy and wont clean then he isnt really a good father then. Let him take you to court, he wouldnt win, his the unfit one thinking its right to have his kids living in a disgusting house. Just ring him and talk to him, its the best thig to do, you dont need yur kids getting sick again.
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I feel for you this must be very concerning for you, I would approach him and be straight out let him know until he does some-thing with his house(clean it up) he will only be seeing the children on day visits as this is affecting the children .
