Hi there,

I hope I can help a bit, I went through this when I moved in with my exwife (no I'm not living there now lol) she has 4 kids, 2 of each, the youngest boy and myself hit it off right off the bad, and have been best friends ever since, but the older boy may have been afraid of me, I'm a bigger guy, and he was always intimidated by me, not so much now, we're good friends to this day even tho my ex and I have been split for 2 years, he still calls and we have a good time together, it's only been 7 months, give it time and I'm sure that things will become normal, it took the older boy and i about a year before all that negative energy was replaced with friendship, now the girls were all together different, the older girl and I were like 2 peas in a pod, but when she turned 13 the shit hit the fan between her and her mother, but at that point she became closer to me and would discuss things with me that she dident want her mother knowing, (though I always told her mom what was going on) different kids will act in different ways, for a man starting a relationship with a woman with kids it's always hard, because it's not only working on 1 relationship, but many, and each person has different views of people. hang in there, and dont let the "your not my dad I dont have to listen to you" get you down, sometimes put stepdad in charge, and dish out some of the dicipline, the first few times, the shit will hit the fan, but it does work, I was always easier for the kids to deal with, my exwife was a pushover with the girls, but a hardass on the boys, working together, we found a happy medium, a middle ground, sometimes all i had to say to the boys was that i'm going to get thier mother, and it worked, but with the girls, i could be the hardass when it was needed, the oldest girl still calls me and asks for help or just to talk, Craig, dude, bro, you'll get there, and your going to have a great time in a few more months, just ride out these hard yards, and roll with the punches. soon enough if you play your hand right, your step kids will become your best friends if you let them, your not dad, trust me sometimes your better then dad. oh yeah and take the kids to do things that mom wont approve of. thats always big with the kids, (just make sure she knows about it)

Hope this helps a bit, from one stepdad to another, I'm always willing to help where i can, if you want to talk about it just give me a hoy and i'll do what I can.

Wildcatgta aka Ron

THANK YOU TO ALL WHO ANSWERED. All 3 boys stay with their dad and his girlfriend every second weekend. We all get on for the boys sake (as you do). I surpose its just a matter of reinforcing the positives!!!

Hi, my twin boys  and myself are in a step family situation. My partner moved in with us 3 years ago. One of the boys totally idolises his step dad and even though the other boy loves his step dad and enjoys being with him, there is the odd occasion where they clash a little. Although he never has actually said that he,s not his real dad.I think this will no doubt be an ongoing problem. Best of luck, loopy .

I was a step-parent & had some major challenges. The younger one (9 at the time) embraced my being in her life absolutely. The older one (18 at the time) tried to ignore me at all times... Until he met my daughter (16 at the time) & fell in love with her...

Its true that Craig isn't their Dad. But their teachers/ childcare workers aren't related to them either. The bottom line is that Craig can only ever have as much authority with them as a) he can win in his own right & b) you give him. My ex was happy for me to look after the kids but not for me to make decisions. This made it difficult for me as the kids wanted me to be able to make a final decision when they asked. When pressed, I would.. often only to have it overturned & turned into an argument when my partner came home.. I'm not a mind-reader & I'm sure Craig isn't either. Fact is we each as individuals have different parenting styles. And Craig hasn't been there while you've been developing your's.

Of course kids are really good at finding achilles heels & loopholes. 3 together are 3 times better. The phrase "This is what Mum wants you to do & I'm only repecting her wishes." might be a phrase that comes in handy for him. Other than that; pure charm!

Friends of mine have been married 13 yrs. She already had 2 (difficult) sons. One was off at his (drunken, abusive) Dad's a lot of the time & appeared to be following in his footsteps. This year his girlfriend had a baby & he has claimed his stepdad as the newborn's grandfather... The younger son would now rather talk out his problems with his stepdad than even his mum... Neither of them have ever called him 'Dad'. To make it as a stepdad over the long haul, Craig will need patience & charm. And every bit of support you can give him.

hugs

Rosalinda 

I cant help you from where you are standing, but i have been in the boy's situation.

When my Mum and Dad separated and eventually moved on to their next partners, it took me a loooong time to accept that. I would say you aren't my mum/dad to both of them. But usually it was out of anger and frustration. I agree with PP's idea about teaching them to respect your partner as the head of the household. But you need to do it in a way that doesnt seem threatening.

I would also make sure that nothing drastic has recently happened with their relationship with their biological father (if they have one). Has he just got a new Girlfriend, moved, not turned up to a sporting event that he promised to be at, stopped talking to them etc. I know the hostility that i sometimes showed to my stepdad was infact meant for my father. If this is the case, then you will need to tread carefully because they will be a little fragile.

I hope this helps. They will get better as they get older. It is difficult for kids sometimes. And sometimes they are just testing you to see what they can get away with!!

Good luck, Cass xox

My situation is different as my partner does not live with us but I generally do all the discipline but my boyfriend if there will back me up and support that way. Therefore he doesn't step in unless he needs to and while they are doing the right thing and being good to me then there is no need for him to talk to them, but if they kick up and do any damage to anything then he will come down hard on them! As long as he is fair and he is. However one of my sons was giving me a really hard time at one stage and getting in trouble a lot. Let's just say they had issues and as soon as my boyfriend came over he would disappear to his room. They now have a respect for each other so I would say to Craig to hang in there, stay firm and back you up as you are going to need that with boys. My kids have there own dad and my boyfriend has never once tried to be there dad, just there mate. If they are doing the wrong thing though he will say something to them. We are all supposed to be on the same team, as a family. Good luck. I have 3 boys too!

I think the best idea is to all sit down & talk about this. Explain to the boys that, even though Craig is not their real dad, he is still head of the house & therefore they need to respect that. Is there real dad still in their lives? Have Craig assure them that he will never replace their real dad but that he would love to be their friend & still do dad-like things with them.

Do the boys see their real dad? If he is a reasonable person maybe you could ask him to talk to the boys. If they hear from him that it is OK for them to like having Craig around, & it is fine for him to be like a dad to them, they might be more accepting of him.