Hang in there. Sounds like she's testing boundaries; trying to work out what she can get away with. She's probably testing her relationship with you too - seeing if you'll come back when she pushes you away. I know it's hard, but hang in there.

From Libby

Sounds like the poor kid has had a rough time of things. Maybe try some counselling? Even a family counsellor, where you could all talk about your feelings. Kids like this often need someone to take control of them so don't be afraid to enforce her to pull her weight around the house. Explain that she is part of the family & as such she needs to put in some effort. Continue to ensure her of your love & that she is a wanted & important part of the family. Maybe a family 'meeting' where you allocate chores to each child may help her to feel a part of things? Could be worth a try.

By the sounds of things you are doing a great job with her. She just needs time to adjust & to realise she is not going to be pushed away again. Try sitting her down, just you & her, & having a good chat. Tell her you are there for her, that she can talk to you about her feelings, no matter what they are. Give her plenty of hugs - she's probably missed out on a lot of affection so most likely craves it. Time and patience, it's hard, but hopefully you will both get there. Good luck.

You are both doing a great job so remember that. I took on my 14 yr old step daughter as an emergency and so I see where your coming from. Try and take into account that she has been tossed about between people and places and she has had to depend on herself, she probably kicks off cos she is scared and is making you all pay for the bad life she has probably had to deal with. Most behaviour is for a reason and you need to find what that reason is-she probably feels threatened by your 2 boys and frightened that you will ask her to leave too. If she was allowed to do as she pleased then she will need time to adjust to doing things we would just do like the dishwasher. I know all this sounds so simple for us to say and expect of her but her defiance will probably come from the attitude-if I kick off they will react to me and that means they love me. It is a backward way of thinking to us but to a child that has gone through a lot it will mean a lot. She is craving attention that she didn't get from her mum, she has got a no-one cares about me so why should I care about them and this is shown in the defiance and hate she shows but deep down she is just a messed up kid who wants to feel safe and stable. Being a step mum is hard and it can make you feel like an outsider but there are some good books about that can help. Seeing a family counsellor is also a good idea so you can raise issues and concerns you have, you never know she may have some things she needs you to do too not just you who need her to do. Try and find something she really likes and home in on it and try and use this so you can chat about it, simply talking about stuff like her fav pop artist can be abit of abridge for her. It can take months and years to break down barriers but stick with her-even when things are getting tough as she will always be on the dfensive wondering when her bags will get packed.

i wish you lots of luck and hope.x

Hi,

The only thing i can think of is seeing a counsellor together. You will al be able to get your feelings out and your step daughter will have to listen to what you and your husband both have to say. This way it may sink in that her behaviour is un acceptable. From ahving such a crappy life with her mother she obviously thinks this is life and thats how she is going to live it. She needs alot of talking to and alot of love, im sure with seeing a ocunsellor things will turn around and youw ill ahve the happy family you are hoping for.

Good luck.

Dannii xxo