I can see that you are in a tough situation..Maybe speaking with a counselor or seeking a support group or others in the same sort of situation may help you.

As for when to speak to your son about this, it is such a tough question..

I know that nowadays, there are so many different families..Single parent families,  divorced parent families, children living with relatives, adoptive families that every family is not the same and thankfully that is more accepted..

When you do decide to tell him, maybe explaining this part of a "family" to him and exposing him to children/ families who aren't just 2 parent families will help him cope and understand and build his self esteem.

I wish you the best!

Anita, it is so important not to let bad feelings come through when you talk to your son.  No matter how tempting don't talk bad about the father or tell him they don't want him.  That can damage him for the rest of his life, I know from experance.  Just tell him something like the two of you dicided not to get married and he moved away to work.  You are 100% right about it being their loss.  They may relize later that they are missing out not knowing them and want to see him or as he gets older he may want to see them.  You can keep the trust and respect of your son by not saying how you feel about that side of his family (even though you would be justified).  I would start the conversation by asking him if he ever wonders about his father and go from there.

What are the circumstances of your son coming into the world?  I get the impression that there is more than you are saying and that your boys father hurt you quite badly.

As for what to do now?  I'm not entirely sure.  It is tricky with the father being overseas.  He doesn't want anything to do with his own son, and that is truly sad, but what about his parents?  Why not let them know they are the grandparents of your son and try and work things out through them/ with them.  They might surprise you and really want to help out.

Your self esteem issues do need to be dealt with.  You need to find out what has made you feel low and find the solutions to it.  Counselling services might help, even parents groups or speaking with your doctor might be of some benefit.

How much does your son know about his dad?  By now he would be starting to understand that every child has a dad, somewhere, so I doubt it will be long before he comes asking about his own.

i have not been in this situation, but i do of ppl who have.

All I can say is, this guy is the one missing out on a lovely child. and his parents are the same. DONT let this get to you. all you can do is be the best mum you can be and always be there for him.

My hubby's uncle left his wife for someone else when his son was a few months old and (this was a good 15 years ago) and now because of my hubby's family this biy is a normal boy who saw his dad and he wants back in told him NO, you couldnt be bothered years ago, why should i let you hurt me, mum and my 3 sisters again. He is the one missing out on his oldest daughters wedding in March and the birth of his first grand child in september.

If you have your family, use them.

Your little boy, aswell as every other little child in the world needs all the love they can get. i would speak to his fathers parents whome live nearby. talk to them about the fact that they are his grandparents and ask if they are interested in being in your little boys life. both you and your son would benifit from the emotional support it could bring, and i'm sure his grandparents would too. his grandparents may very well not know that they are his grandparents! you are obligated in your sons best interests to let them know (as long as they will bring no harm to him ect) your son will benifit greatly from it. good luck and be strong, confront these people and tell them hes there grandson.

I'm sorry that you had to go thru all of this.  But know this, you are a great mom!  It's not easy to let go of such pain and hurt.  I grew up without my dad as well, as he cheated on my mom and they split.  From a child's point of view, it's not an easy thing to not see one of your parents and being that he is 6, he has some ability to understand these kind of things.  But before you talk to him about it, it would be best for you to really take a look at how you feel about the whole situation and make sure you are ok with it.  What can end up happening if you don't is you can rub off your feelings for his dad on him, which could take away the chance of him actually getting to know his dad.  I'm not saying that will be the case, but children often times go back and forth in this desicion, and they really need lots of support in any decision they make.  That being said, I have a few things you can try for yourself.

The first is to write your sons father a letter.  Telling him anything and everything you want to.  Don't censor yourself at all.  Let it all out, and take your time writing it.  If you have to stop for a while, and take a break, then do it.  But make sure you get it all out, everything!  Then seal it up in an evelope and put it somewhere safe.  Make sure that you put it somewhere where your son won't have access to it.  Then after you have done that, and take your time with this, let your self heal from the emotional scars that you feel.  And when you are ready, write another letter forgiving him.  Write about how you forgive him for leaving you, for hurting you.  Forgive him for denying your son, for making you feel less then a person.  Really open up and write it all out, even if it is mean things that you say, write that you forgive him.  Do you understand what I mean?  Then when you are done with that one, seal that one up as well and put it away.

The reason for doing these letters is for you to allow yourself to get all your pent up emotions, all those that you kept burried deep inside out.  To free yourself from the bondage that they have created for you.  With the forgiveness letter, this should help to bring you closure to all that has happened, and to give you peace and let you move on.  When you write that you forgive him, even for the smallest thing, to the most horrible thing you can think of that he did.  This will allow you to let those emotional wounds heal.  And but sealing them and putting them away, they let you say all that you need to without actually hurting anyone.  And when you feel the time is right, burn them or throw them away, to give you total freedom and to put the past in the past.

For your son, as long as you let him know that you love him, I would wait for him to bring up the subject about his dad.   I never was asked about my dad in school.  Most kids just don't care, really.  As long as you give your son the strength and he knows that he is still loved, even though his dad is not in the picture, he will be able to handle anything that comes his way.  And you can tell him also that there are many different kinds of families.  there are small families, big families.  Families with 2 dads or 2 moms, with 2 houses for each parent.  Some families have only a mom, some only a dad, some a grandparent and others aunts and uncles.  But no matter what kind of family you have it is a special family, cause it's made just for you.

Good luck with all and I hope things get better for you.

Hi there,

              I know exactly where you are coming from on this one. My 8 year old daughter has had no contact with her Father and he also went around saying that she wasn't his etc etc. This is a really tough situation to be in. Especially when looking at them all you can see is their Father. It really did upset me for a long time. I would look at her and wish so desperately that things were different. I don't know about you but she never really asked about him. Sure we went through phases of questions but on the whole she seemed to just accpet that this was the way things are. Her and me. When she did ask questions I made sure that they were age appropriate. She started questioning around the age of 3 so I started with really basic things like " He's a long long way away". As she got that little bit older some of the questions were a lot tougher to answer. She once said to me "Daddy left cos he doesn't love me". I was mixture of sadness and sheer anger. I quickly turned that one around and said to her "No, he left cos he didn't love Mummy anymore". There was no way I was going to little this inoccent child think and feel like that. Over the last couple of years the questions have lessened to the point where it's only occasionally he even gets mentioned. She knows his name and has seen one photo of him.... she has never asked for anything more. I suppose we are lucky in some respects because at the school she goes to there are alot of single parent families so to her it's all quite normal not have a dad or a mum around.

As for being prepared.... well for me I was ready with answers for the questions that she had and I always answered them. I always let her know that she could ask me anything at anytim. I have always been honest with her but again I have made it age appropriate. I will tell her the full story when she is emotionally mature enough to be able to understand it and cope with it. I remind her all the time that I love her and just how fantastic she is (I'm sure I drive her nuts sometimes lol).

The self esteem is a hard one and for me it took quite a while to build back up again. I still have days where it's pretty low. Hunni, you are a fantastic Mum and you are doing something that alot of people would struggle with. Your raising a child on your own. It is really tough doing it on your own but you ARE doing it. He was the one that chose to not be a part of your son's life and really it's cowards way. He's the one that is missing out on being a part of the greatest things we as humans can do. For every milestone that he has missed you have been there. It doesn't always take two parents to love and raise a child..... sure, doing it on your own can be bloody tough but the rewards are endless. I now look at my daughter and think to myself "I did that" and I am really proud of myself. Be proud of yourself as well. Your son has a mother that obviously adores him and cares about him otherwise you wouldn't of asked the question.

For me, I found letting her bring up the subject was what worked for us. I tried a couple of times to raise the subject with her but she really didn't want to know about it lol!! He will talk to you about it when the time comes.... just have some general answers ready and if he starts asking more direct questions..... you'll know what to say. I used to sit there and stress and stress about this whole thing. It took someone saying to me "you can't worry about something that hasn't happened" for me to stop and think........ it was from then on in that I made the decision to let her enjoy being a kid, answer the questions when they came up and be proud of myself.

I hope this helps in some small way.... I know how hard it is to be in this situation. Take care and remember you ARE a great Mum and fantastic woman,

much love,

fi xoxo

Hay Anita,

first you are doing a GREAT job and you need to believe that. as far as his dad and family its there loss they are missing out on seeing this little boy grow into a man! as far as when to tell him it depends on how advanced he is and how you feel he will take it. if he has a special person in his life that he can make fathers day presents ect... for, and for this man to some how take on the role of father (even a grandfather) then he may not feel he is missing anything. you would be suprised how any children dont see both there parents I work in a child care centre and there is prob 20% of children only see one parent and believe me they all take it in there stride.

I hope I have helped in some way

Chin up girl!!!

Luv Anita XX