hi,
i still see a psychologist once a month to help deal with the anxiety and issues that i have from my ex. when i first got together with him, he was fun, happy normal sort of guy,,, after about 6 months, he threw me down the stairs, as he was coming down from coke... that was when i found out he used drugs... when he wasn't on drugs, or alcohol, he was great. he was good to me and my son and his daughter. when he was on drugs or drunk, he was so unpredictable... he used to threaten that if i left i would be dead before i got to the gate. as we lived on a cattle station we were in the middle of nowhere, it was about an hours drive to the nearest aboriginal community, and 2.5 hours drive to the nearest town, i used to worry what would happen to the kids if he did kill me... he had guns, and he also knew some not very nice people... he used to come up with some very horrible ways to torture and abuse me when he was on drugs, and i wont go into too much detail, as i still find it hard to talk about, but i will say that he burnt me with cigarettes, raped me very violently, and did other horrible things... it is something that never leaves you, even when you aren't thinking about it conciously, and even though i have a wonderful partner now who would never hurt me, and who doesnt drink or do drugs, i still have days where i am a bit "anti-man" !!!
I lived with a lot of fear, but even with that fear, I still loved him. which is very hard for anyone to understand. he was so great when he wasnt on drugs, and i stupidly believed him when he came down off the drugs and promised not to do it again, and he was sorry... i used to have bruises for weeks, and cuts and burns and broken bones... i left once, with the help of the police, as the doctor rang them because of the reasons i went there, and stayed away for 2 months. however, i felt bad for leaving, (stupid me!) so went back to him. he stayed 'good' for a few months, but then went back to the psycho behaviour. i ended up leaving for good one night when i could just see it in his eyes that i was going to die. it was a very scary night, and i had never seen him so wild... luckily for me his friend managed to get him out the front door and sneak me and the kids out the back door... i left that night and never went back....
I think that when you are living with abuse, you block it out, and focus on the good things, otherwise you would not cope... you want to believe that they love you and that they are sorry... then one day you wake up and realise that it is all a load of bullcrap, but until then it is very hard to leave... i still don't know why exactly my ex was the way he was on drugs and alcohol... i used to just cry when he was violent, i never fought back as that made him even worse, but there was never a real reason. one time we were visiting friends, and in the middle of a conversation he jumped up, broke a stick off a tree and started belting into me... lucky our friend stood up for me, and my ex never hurt me in front of anyone again... the thing that made me feel even worse, was that of all the people we knew, not one stood up for me or defended me until that day, and none after that day either. i had no female friends, as i was isolated, so it was definately a man's world where we were, and they seemed to stick together, which made it hard for me also....
anyway, like i said, i have a great new partner now, 5 years later, but i still see a shrink occasionally to help deal with the anxiety issues....
