Bee seen and not heard - oh yes how funny

I was brought up by my grandparents.  We where taught to not interupt an adult conversation, and an adult would finish their sentance and see what we needed/wanted.

My step-mother in later years beat into us about being seen and not heard.  And we would be locked outside during the day and not allowed inside.  Then one day our neighbours house was set alight by her ex.  The neighbour was inside our house with my step-mum.  I had to nearly beat down the back door to gain their attention - and my step-mum insisted on berating me for interupting until I screamed about the house being on fire...

I vowed my kids would always be given speaking space

Wow, I didn't know there was such a debate.

In my case, it was cultural. I was raised this way, along with the other kiddies in my culture (asian). It was really out of respect that kids were brought up this way. We were taught that we must never talk back to our elders, respect authority, etc. It is a culture where the family dynamic is the most important.  I lived half my life this way, until I moved here in the US, where individuality is emphasized (to a fault). Being in a different culture allowed me to understand what "seen and not heard" trully meant and it's not all bad.

Along with everything in life, nothing is black and white. This mentality (mostly cultural) isn't all bad. I was brougth up to respect authority, elders, family and never to talk back. So my first few months here in the US was quite a shocker when I saw my fellow students (high-school) talk back to teachers, kissing in the hallways in full view of everyone, cursing, etc. But having lived here (now more than half my life), I've learned to adapt the good in both cultures. As a mother, I want my children to be able to say what they think and demand to be heard, but in a respectful manner. I want them to learn that in certain situations it is equally important to demand to be heard as it is to remain quiet/concede.

Children need to know they can participate in a conversation, at the right time and in the right place. They develop social skills this way. If a child is not encouraged to share in a conversation, he or she may not learn appropriate boundaries for communication. Confidence may not grow and this can cause multiple problems. He or she may become frustrated and act out in response. Rules must be followed to maintain fairness and balance.

Honestly? I tell people who believe in the whole "seen and not heard" thing... "How would you feel if I treated you as if you were invisible and didn't matter?" It's completely rude to treat another human being that way whether they are a child or adult. Everyone has feelings, and children's feeling can be hurt a lot easier than an adults, so why would you treat someone... who you are trying to teach respect to... with such disrespect?

I was raised with this attitude and it was very hurtful and humiliating. It caused me to have a lot of hard feelings towards my parents... so if you actually want the respect of your children (and I don't mean you personally... just a generalized statement) I wouldn't suggest treating them as if they are just objects.

Naya