hi, I've recently gone through the same thing myself with my 2 year old. A psychologist told me to hold my son untill he relaxed which could take as long as 20 mins ( try 45 mins). I couldn't keep holding him as he was having 2 - 3 tantrums a day and I am in my third trimester of pregnancy. Instead of trying to contain him I started sitting somwhere and saying things like "It's okay" "i love u and i know it's hard" and I would continue to offer a cuddle which he would refuse several times before taking up my offer. After a short period of time his tantrums became shorter and shorter and now when he doesn't get his own way or gets told off he just goes straight for the cuddle.

As for the shopping that was also a complete nightmare. Unfortunately it didn't get better untill i dealt with the tantrums at home. I made the mistake of buying him things ie; toys or chocolate to keep him happy but he started to want more and more untill i decided it was getting ridiculous and stopped getting him anything. He now sits in the trolley and eats almost a whole punnet of strawberries  while i shop but thats cheaper than a toy and healthier than chocolate. He still wants things but instead tantruming when i say no he has a small cry and then goes for a cuddle. This might not work for you but having been there very recently i say anythings worth a shot.

Well, unfortunately you have a persistent toddler who is going thru the Terrible Twos - perfectly normal and please dont be embarrassed about it. Whatever people in the shops say or look like they're thinking, it's none of their business, and if your DD sees you're bothered by it, she will just be worse, so it's Oscar-winning performance time!

You've already got some great advice, so all I'm going to add is that you have to use your extra years of experience and out think her and out last her. With my persistent DD1 I NEVER went to the shops without a bag full of distractions! With her it was mostly food. I kept her in the trolley long after most of her friends were allowed to walk around. Once in the shop and before she was kicking off, I would offer something healthy like ricecakes or raisins. I would keep the least healthy thing (eg chocolate!) for the checkout! At her worst I simply sent DH or did internet shopping for a bit. At about 4 she had surfaced fromt he worst of her tantrums, and now she's lovely to be with (except when she's tired!).

Good luck!

I don't know that I can offer any advice, but I can say that I hear you and am going through it right now with my 20mth old son T.  I have an older boy , J, who never threw a tantrum like T does.  Once he starts he never ceases.  I don't experience it when we are out and about as much and I think it is because he is distracted.  But at home ... Oh my Goodness.  I am sure the neighbours think that we must be hurting him (we're not!!).

Mostly it is over food or wanting to stay in the front yard (he has to be watched so it is a special time when he's allowed out there) at home.  He always wants to be eating.  The only time I get a bit of peace is when he is out in the back yard (not the front 'cause then I have to deal with another tantrum when we have to come back inside).  But as soon as I walk inside he follows me and starts again. 

We try ignoring it, time out in his cot, talking to him, distracting him and combining all 4.  Mostly distracting him works.  Time out is more for me - 2 minutes of he's not my problem take a few deep breaths and back in again.  I just have never known someone to be so relentless.  I used to be able to distract J within a minute.  Not T he just keeps going.

So I guess I will be looking closley at peoples answers here too.  All the best with it!

sometimes its the way you say it ie. 'put that back or i'll put you on time out!' gives her a choice, not to put it back and go on time out, or put it back. this gives her some control, even though the possible outcome for her is unpleasant. 

a technique that may help is the 'put that back now.' repeated every few seconds, with a calm voice, though this can take a while and its very difficult to remain calm! another is the 'put that back or you won't like what happens next!' it sounds over dramatic, but the trick is you don't tell them whats going to happen, and their mind fills in the blank- with something far more dreadful and scary

First off, be assurred it is no inadequacy on your part. Nor is it anything wrong with her. Its normal. Part of the natural development process in kids is discovering (at approx. 2yo) the word "no". Its a testing of her power in the world (or in this case; over you).

I strongly reccommend you immediately stop giving in or bribing; this is positive reinforcement (of negative behaviour) & will keep her at it longer. If at all possible, try to find someone to take care of her so you can go shopping in peace.. Then, when you are well-rested & calm, take her shopping with you & practice ignoring the behaviour. Even if you don't end up being able to tolerate it long enuff to get any shopping done... The point of the exercise is for her to try as hard as she can to drive you to cave in, and it not work.

Since you have caved in previously, it may well take a long time & many repeats of the exercise for her to become convinced it isn't worth the effort... Then you might perhaps get some shopping done!

Many parents become so embarrassed by their child's behaviour, they are very easily manipulated by it. This is very unhealthy for the kids (& crazy-making for the parents). Its our job (however unequal to the task we may feel) to be the grownups; we have to be in charge. And however much some kids may seem to fight it, children feel a lot more secure when they know we are in charge at all times. So its vitally important that we learn, as early as possible, not to have all our self-esteem tied up in how well or badly they behave. Truth is that the most well-behaved children often come from the most terrifyingly abusive homes.

Another aspect I noticed w/ my own daughter is that her particular pitch of scream had the power to slice thru my brain & every fibre of my being. Thus turning me into a quivering wreck! Presumably this is one of Nature's strategies for survival-of-the-species... If you have the same problem, I seriously recommend using a walkman/ipod/radio with headphones... Sometimes I just sang loudly to drown out the tantrum-noise!

This age does pass.. By the time my daughter was 4yo, she was peacefully chatterring to me round the supermarket, or helping me to remember what was on my list... She still had tantrums sometimes (difficult child), but not in public any more... & would go outside when I insisted she take it out of the house!

Good Luck!