Having suffered depression through most of my adult life until the last 8 years I can identify with the pain that your daughter is going through. The 'Black dog' as Winston Churchill used to call it, as he suffered from it too, is not restricted to just adults as research indicates. Child depression is really concerning and as mentioned in previous comments unfortunately can lead to the ultimate depressive action, suicide. You are no doubt a very concerned and responsible parent and have already taken some very positive action for your child. Some things to consider:

1. Are you absolutely sure that the therapist is right in assuming her depression is caused by her uncles suicide? Could there be other possible more hidden causes that may only come out through more in depth and frequent counselling?
2. How do you feel about your child being on anti-depressants? How long is it recommended that she stay on them? Are these the best ways of dealing with the symptom? Are you aware of potential side affects of these drugs? Because they all have them.
3. Are there alternative safe natural medications available? I was on anti-depressants for a few months and I found that they really lifted me up and dropped me on my head and created the shakes in me. I gave them away, foolishly, without medical consultation and dropped into the pit of the black dog. The worst point of my life, so take care how you get her off he medication- seek medical advice. I found a herbal tablet called 'St.John's Wart' did the trick for me and I took it over a period of a few months before weaning myself off it. But look into it carefully as there is some negative things about it I believe.
4. My new wife was a nutrition freak, thank God, and put me onto a new nutrional awareness program that really helped me over the long term. I found that coffee, alcohol and sugar really spun me into depressive states if taken too much. Each of us is different in the way we react to food types and addatives. Have you considered looking into her dietary intake? Maybe she is having some food/ drink that could be enhancing her negative state.
5. It's great to see that you watch movies together, obbviously you value her company and these moments will be treasured by you both.  I hope you choose uplifting and appropriate material for he to watch and the right category. It is a great therapy to watch positive or comical movies/ media. Laughter is a good medicine after all.

I agree with most others who recommend keeping the lines of communication open. It is also VERY important not to constantly push too hard for meaningful conversations. Let your child know that if they just want company you are there for them to just sit next to and read independantly or watch a movie together. Depression puts a lot of stress on a person and they do need to talk with family, a doctor, psycologist or the like but a little quiet safe time with a person of trust goes a long way to releaving some of the pressure.

 Hi there,  

My daughter is almost 14 and is suffering from depression, as my husband died 3 years ago now she is still blaming herself, although she is not on any medication but she does have counselling sessions with a child specialist. 

A way to helping her, is to let her know that you are there for her and that you are willing to listen without judging her.  She will talk to you when she is ready, so dont push to much. 

Good luck I hope everything works out....

Hi hun,

I'm coming from the other side of the spectrum. I was 12 years old when I first developed depression and the advice I'm going to give you are things I wish my parents had done with me.

Firstly keep talking, keep the communication lines open dont pressure her but make sure she knows that your there to talk at any time. Leave it open. Just dont push her too hard. Maybe encourage her to do things she likes, start a hobby, start some exercise.

Secondly is harm minimisation. Make sure she has no opportunites for self harm if possible.

Seek counselling for your self. Places like relationship australia, beyond blue etc has heaps of info on dealing with a family member with depression and keep yourself healthy too. Dont let it get on top of you. You havent done anything wrong, make sure she knows she can come to you at any time, that you will always be there and wont judge her.

All the best

Hi,

Grief affects us all in different ways... When my younger brother committed suicide, our other brothers were 14, 10 and nearly 8, and our sister was 12... My 14 year old brother found him with our parents, and he still hasn't come to terms with it today, and it has been 12 years now, he uses illegal drugs, and has been in jail a few times for silly things like stealing and fighting... My sister went through a very rebellious stage, where she was very abusive to our parents, and she became sexually promiscuous... She also threatened to commit suicide when she was 15 and so she got sent by children's services to a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, as they considered her "high risk"... Our dad didn't believe in counsellors, so none of us had any professional help... I think if my younger siblings (and my parents) had professional help to deal with the grief, our family wouldn't be so "crazy" now... I was 17 and a half at the time and pregnant with my first son, and I had a horrid pregnancy, I blamed my self for my brother committing suicide, and I thought that if I had been there, I could have stopped him...

A lot of people feel guilt for someone committing suicide, and I think children need professional help a lot more than adults, to deal with the feelings that suicide bring out in people... Your daughter needs you now more than ever, it is bad enough at her age to have puberty hormones raging through her body, and then to have grief on top of it would be horrible... She needs someone to listen to her talk when she wants to talk, and just sit there patiently when she doesn't want to talk... I personally don't know if I would put my 12 year old on anti depressants though, as her brain is still developing... Are there any other ways to help with her depression ? I had a neighbour whose 12 year old was put on them, and she smoked dope while she was on them, and it made her worse... she tried to commit suicide, which I think is terrible for a child that age to want to do... I don't want to scare you, as I am sure your daughter wouldn't want to cause that pain to you, but sometimes kids (and adults) don't think logically when they are feeling very down...

Dear Cazandra,

I am a school teacher and over the years I have run a large number of camps for students. In recent years suicide has been a major issue for us to concern ourselves. On one camp we had 3 students wh had lost a parent to suicide and about a month before our camp a student from a nearby school had also suicided. i am not an expert, but I did find the following to be worthwhile.

# The 3 kids who had suffered the suicide of their parents really bonded and helped each other. They knew the others pain. They were able to listen to each other and to just be there. It was inspiring to see.

# Adults often try to fix everything for their children, or to protect them from the pain of living. The reality is we cannot. Suicide is as big a hurt as any person is ever going to suffer and it takes a long time to come to peace with.

# we all grieve differently and at different times. Parents need to be considerate of the fact that when we want to talk, our child may not be ready. We need to stay close and be there when they reach out to us.

# Adults struggle with death, let alone suicide. How much more so children. They have to deal with wide ranging and conflicting emotions, gossip, change, their parents emotions and so much more. They are caught in a maze of confusion and no wonder they shy away or get angry when we ask them how they feel. More than likely they don't know what to feel or if they feel anything anymore.  

My best advice is to try to provide a normal home environment, try to take advantage of circumstances that bring you together such as a long walk, going shopping, girls stuff (I have 3 daughters) and the like so that when she is ready you are there. Don't ask questions - listen. Don't give advice until she asks and give her time in loving spoonfuls. She needs you more thasn ever, don't let her confusion and pain push you away - stay close.

I hope that this helps a little bit.

Regards

Hewy

When I was 12 my grandparents on my dad's side of the family committed suicide together. Part of me stopped growing at that point for the next 5 years until questions that burned in my heart were answered. And I didn't function very well at school for a long time. The physical side of the depression issue aside, can I suggest trying to discern what's happening in her head regarding the suicide? Lack of closure on anything can hold people up in their grief and/or depression and you may find this is an issue for your child.

I'm not going to preach here, but sharing what was happening in my head as a 12 year old might give you something to bounce off. Your daughter will have her own thoughts and questions. For me it was one burning question regarding whether my grandparents were going to heaven or not. Two things created my doubts/questions: one was that they were athiests and the other was the fact that they'd taken their own lives as the Bible speaks against. My mum thought she'd addressed this question well enough, she told that "of course they were", which was what she wanted to believe and what she felt my dad needed to hear. To use an analogy to describe the difference between mum and I on this subject, my mum is the kind of person who sees concrete but wants it to be grass, so she'll paint it green and be content that it is grass; me, I'll look at that green concrete and say "no, it's still concrete", and can handle that. I can't handle pretending it's something that it's not! I do better facing hard realities, and can't work well with fuzzy "if/maybe's'. Not when it comes to getting closure. She just wasn't equipped to be able to help me in the way that I needed. It was 5 years before someone came along who had the courage to speak what they saw as the likely truth according to scripture. That was all I needed to be able to "deal" with my question and move on the the other questions that had been sitting there banked up behind that one until it was resolved for me. That day I started to grow again...

Can I suggest taking a little time to think on how your daughter handles problems, or "big" questions in life. Is she someone who"prefers not to know" at one end of the scale, or like me "prefers to know" at the other end of the scale? You may discover something that helps you get inside her head a little more, or perhaps helps her to discern what's happening in there regarding the loss of her uncle.

One other suggestion is to do something like taking walks together. I know my kids would all leap at the chance to join me on my walks, but I usually say no because that's when I get my head space!! Still, she's a good age to be able to do that and it will give you a good chance to be "stuck together" for 20, 30 or whatever minutes. It doesn't have to be every day. Even if it were once or twice a week that could help. Creating an opportunity like this for conversational time with no one els around might help to eventually allow the topic at hand to surface a bit without you seeming to have to pursue it. And, the outdoors exercise will be good for helping her hormone balance, etc, and therefore possibly any depression too.

All the best,

Maz

I wasnt medicated until I was 20 but I have been serverly depressed since I was 5.

anti deps take a few months to work. 2-4 months sometimes longer to see a affect.

Basicly all you can do is be very supportive and always there no matter what crap she deal out to you (that is not to excuse her behaviour)

Please do know that she may have to change her meds as it took me 5 years to find one and 8 different anti deps that actually works. she wil still have good and bad days. What I do is keep a record of how I feel so that my hubby can see it and so can my shrink.

counsloring will be great too. most school have one these days. my school has a special one called the rainbow program. talk to her about it and try and help in any way.

Also depression can be hereditory. I have it, my Mum and Dad have it my Aunty and sister as well.

Having been the child with depression myself, I would recommend you find all the information you can and read read read!  Ask for her to see a professional you trust by herself, and also with you together.  And work out some plans of attack with the doctor, your daughter, your partner, her grandparents or favourite aunties or uncles.  Get a strong firm platform with which to launch off.  And work together.  This will probably include working out good coping stratagies, a healthy diet to help the body physically fight the depression, and working out some ways to open up the lines of communication.  She is already feeling so confused and lonely, as I guess you are too, and if she sees making the effort with the doctors to find out the best ways to handle the situations, she may over time be more inclined to open up to you.  My mother would just get mad a me, so very very very mad when I couldn't hide the depression anymore, and that just led to an adult who still finds it hard to tell her husband when she's slipping!  One of the most important things is to make sure she doesn't feel guilty for any of it - that not includes the depression, but the snowball effect it has, such as having to miss out on some events because of doctors appointments etc. 

Team up with the professionals, and I'm sure all together your family can beat this!