Verify the rumor.

Ask the person who told you about the details, evidence or other people who would know about it.

Does he introduce you around to his friends? If not, that could be a separate issue.

Do you yourself have any history of being in abusive relationships?

i heard the same things bout my partner when i first got with him.

i also got told he was a thief, a con artist, a liar, and cheat.  the girl who told me (i found out later was his ex) said he was violent, specailly when he drunk which was all the time,  always stole money off her or wouldnt let her keep her wage from work.

when i question my partner about this he told me it was all lies.  cos 1 he didnt drink all the time, proberly one or 2 a week and 2 he dumped that girl cos she was to clingy and demanding.

iv now been with him 2 yrs on the 28th of nov and we have a beautiful son who he loves like theres nothing else in the world. he loves me and spoils me rotton.

theres no harm in asking the truth. the person who said he was abusive might just be jealous that he's happy with you.  there is always to sides to a story and there is always someone out there that doesnt want to see someone happier then them.

I forgot to ask a very important question - WHO is helping make th relationship move fast?  Is it you or do you feel he is pushing things along?  Often this is a sign of control, and of someone who knows they can't keep up the facade they have rpesented for very long.  Mine pushed ours so fast my head was spinning.  My boss even once commented "This guy's obsessed with you - he's sniffing around like a dog on heat".  I was flattered by his attention but should have steped back and recognised it as a warning sign!

I think maybe asking him about it is a good idea.  What have you got to loose at this stage?  You can then at least give him a chance to give his side of the story.  It is after all gossip at this point.  He may get angry but then you'll know before it gets any more serious.

I have to wonder too that if you are feeling this much apprehension, maybe it's better to call it quits now.  You are obviously nervous about the whole thing and you are right about not seeing violence coming.

Does he drink?  Does he have anger issues?  How well do you really know this guy?  Think really carefully about this move before you make it.  My parents were violent with each other and it was horrible to be around as a child.  I would hate that for anyone else.  Good luck.

Tread verrrry carefully if anyone says a present partner has been know to beat, abuse or hurt ANYONE in the past. You must absolutely and without doubt, talk to him about what you have heard. Gauge his reaction – if he becomes angry that you have raised it and says he doesn’t want to discuss it then it could be a sign that he has underlying anger problems he is trying to hide from you. If he takes it calmly and proceeds to tell you what occurred, watch his face and eyes.

I am not saying don’t trust this man because, chances are, he could be a genuinely loving and sweet man. I do wonder how old he is and why he is still living at home though?

Speaking from experience, his true nature may not become apparent to you until you have been together for some time. There are many personality disorders that cause all kinds of abuse - and it comes in many forms, from emotional to physical to sexual.

Abusers don't always show their true colours in a short time. Some abusers are cunning and can keep up a facade for a very long time, even years as mine did. The longer you stay with an abuser the harder it is to break free - emotionally and financially - and regain your confidence and control over your own life and destiny. Many women don't realise that a pattern is slowly occurring and nor to many abusers. They do one thing and get away with it, they do another and get away with it, and it can snowball from there. Some abusers can't hide it, but many can, and it can even take years before you get a hint of it. Some will lash out on a regular basis, and some will maintain control and only lose it once every few years.

My partner was the man of my dreams when I met him almost 18 years ago (I was a very naive 23 year old) and I would have laughed in the face of anyone who suggested he had any kind of issues. He was the consummate gentleman - opened doors, bought flowers and gifts, took me out for dinner, cooked me romantic candle lit dinners at home, was attentive, gentle, kind, loving, didn't pressure me for sex until I was ready (which took a few months), professed undying love early on, made me feel like the only woman he had ever loved... I realised years later that most of this was B***Sh*t just to get me to go out with him. Sadly by the time I realised most of this was an illusion, we had a mortgage we couldn't afford to get out of, he was controlling all the money, we had a child and his two girls from his first marriage were like my own kids, and leaving was virtually impossible.

When I met him he told me he had been arrested for assault, but gave me his version of events (of course making himself out to be wrongfully accused, especially since he was not subsequently charged, and I wholeheartedly believed all this or I wouldn't have stayed with him).

Some years into our relationship he got angry when I wouldn't give him the phone one night while we were sharing a conversation with friends overseas, so he poured beer on me - that IS abuse. I got up to walk into the bedroom and he grabbed me to say sorry, then as I tried to pull away telling him I was upset and angry, he kicked my feet causing me to fall onto a tiled floor and cut my head open. I was knocked out for a few minutes so he called an ambulance. The next day he apologised profusely, saying he didn't mean to hurt me but he was angry that I was upset with him. I let myself believe that he was sorry and didn't mean it. That was abuse but I didn’t know it at the time and just thought it was part of our argument.

I thought abuse was only physical and constant, not sporadic. When I talked about leaving him he either threatened to suicide or that he would have "you and the baby chained, concreted and dumped in the deepest part of Sydney harbour" and so on. Of course he would always apologise and make me feel guilty for being angry with him, and feel stupid for thinking he would ever do those things - "It's just me blowing off steam; of course I don't mean it - I love you with all my heart darling". Naively, I believed him and although I forgave him, a little love died each time something like this occurred. Between that point and now he has done things like hide car keys after we have argued, hidden or refused to give me money, belittled me, withdrawn affection if I don't do what he wants, threatened to kill the childrens' pets, has been rude and insolent when we have had guests at my request and he hasn’t wanted them there..... it goes on. All of this behaviour is ABUSE. People who become nasty or sulk when things don't go their way are exercising emotional abuse. They either consciously or unconsciously think if they make you unhappy when they don't get their way that you will eventually be molded so you will stop doing things they don't like to avoid the consequences of their treatment of you.

A year ago he beat me up one night when he was drunk and I had a black eye and bruised face for almost a month. Again, he was sorry. It happened again on September 20 this year and it was almost 5 weeks before the last bruises weren't visible - but this time my children witnessed it. The worst abusers will only lash out once in a while - not regularly, and will always beg for forgiveness. Many abusers are highly proficient manipulators and will make you feel guilt for doubting them or wanting to "give up" and leave.

I have done a lot of research into abuse, psychology and personality disorders over the years to try and understand and help him change this behaviour (because he says he wants to) - and also because for a long time I started to believe it was MY fault. My research made me realise it was NOT my fault. He knows I have done this, and he has read some of what I have discussed with him from my findings. I recently found detailed information on narcissism and it was as though it was written with him as the subject of the behaviour.

Scary but true. Scarier is that I am now living with him in a foreign country and I have no access to money of my own without his permission, I have no family for support and my family in Australia do not have the means to bring me and my children home to start our lives over. And with the economy nose diving as it is presently and no formal education, I wonder if I would be able to get a job and know that whatever work I got would not be enough to support my kids without their fathers' financial assistance. He knows that whilst he is working overseas the Australian government has no jurisdiction over him and cannot force him to pay to help me with the kids. He has told me if I don't like it here I can "pack up and f**k off anytime you want but don't expect any help from me once you do".

I have previously left him a couple of times, and he has managed to convince me to take him back (the last time he showed a side of himself for almost 6 months that I hadn't seen since the very early days - the side that was how he treated me when we met and what I bonged for all these years) and STUPIDLY, STUPIDLY I let him come back. Part of the reason was because I loved him and part of it was financial - I was paying huge rent for a house that the kids and I moved into in Sydney, and was exhausted from being a single Mum working 6-7 days a week to keep us going (even with his generous child support payments) and he was using credit cards to keep himself afloat, so with his good behaviour it seemed like it was the best choice for the four of us to be a family again. I STILL kick myself for being so stupid and gullible!!

What I have said here is only my experience with an abuser, and there are many different kinds. My advice to you is being VERY careful and take your time. If at ANY time you have doubts, LISTEN TO YOUR WOMENS' INTUITION and cool things off a bit.

Don't end up like me and so many other women who become trapped and unhappy years later, and in part blame yourself for not listening to your instincts. Good luck and I am sorry this was so long winded but I wanted to illustrate how things can go from bad to worse, to hideous with time and that abuse is not always obvious in the early days.

Before this happened to me I was one of those people who felt sorry for women in abusive or domestically violent relationships but would think "Just get up and leave".  The frightening reality of it is that it is not as easy to do as it seems.  I hate to think how many (mostly) women are in similar situations but don't have the confidence, financial means or sufficient support to help them get out and on their feet. 

Despite what many people believe, there is NOT that much support from government agencies in Australia and not everyones' families have the financial means to be able to help.  Many abused women don't even tell anyone what is going on for fear of the partner finding out, the shame it causes or the stigma attached to it. 

Personally, I only told my parents two months ago that he had beaten me up, but all these years I have kept most of it to myself and even my closest girlfriends don't even know a fraction of what has gone on.

I wish you all the best and I hope there is a good explanation for your concern.

Sharon

I would advice you firstly before you move in with him maybe try to put an escape plan in place, that way if he does do it you have a quick and easy way out. If you are nervous for any reason delay moving in with him, as that is your instincts kicking in, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, this is our 1st line of defence against anything. Other than that I don't know what to tell you, as I haven't been in this situation.

If you have an escape plan in place it makes it easier to get out of their fast. Even if you need to move in with your parents or something, it would be better than being in a bad relationship.

Cheers Queenie

xoxoxoxoxoxox

Personally I would suggest that you are just going to have to wait and see. I know that sounds horrible, but it could just be gossip or it could be the truth. Most men that are abusive would never admit it if questioned anyway and if it was just gossip you would not only hurt your partners feelings for even questioning him about something so ridiculous but you would most likely damage your relationship.

I think this is something that you are just going to have to observe yourself. Just keep in mind that physical abuse usually starts as mental/emotional abuse to begin with, so if you begin to see signs of this then maybe start questioning your relationship.

Well there is a possibility that it is malicious gossip. Then again it could be true. You have to learn that for yourself.

It would be a shame though to throw away something good based on lies and gossip.

If you do confront him about it he may deny it anyway. Or it might be the truth, that he did or didnt do it. If he did, then it's up to you to decide if he deserves a second chance. You might even want to look into if there is any written evidence of this. He might have been charged if it happened.

If in doubt I would put off moving in with him permanently when he moves out. I would be very careful to ensure any unwanted pregnancy until you are clear.

I've heard it said before that you don't truely know somebody until you have seen them in a variety of different situations. So I would wait a while and watch how he reacts to diferent pressures of everyday life. If he does have anger problems, these should start to manifest. I would look at published information about what the warning signs are.

In any case you should lay down some groundrules for him or any male you are in a relationship with. Let them know you will not tolerate being hit.

With any relationship that is new, get to know the person really well. ie how they react to life's pressures, before you make big decisions like moving in, sharing assets etc, as it can be hard to just leave if a violent event does occur.

From what you have said I can hear alarm bells ringing!!!! Firstly, why is the relationship moving so fast? My bet is he won't like it if you ask for more space. He will come on strong then to get you back in his charms. Second, he still lives at home! You don't say how old you or he is but honestly, how do you know he can be a responsible adult if he hasn't even got his own home? Will he expect you to do everything for him like his mother? Many abusive men are very charming at first until you are in a situation where he thinks you are commited and then they change very suddenly.  If you have doubts, then listen to them as the warnings they really are!!!

GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmm, well in my humble oppinion, if this relationship is going to work for you,  trust, openess and honesty have to be a big part of it.

I personally would ask about it, if it is a maliscious rumor then best he knows it is being spread, if it is true then you can guage the circumstances and his reactions. I would say though, that many are caught out, because abusive personalities dont often show their colours until a relationship is well and truely established. Infact they can be among the most charming people on the planet.

Listen to your instincts, don't ignore your gut feelings, better to know the truth than end up worse off.

Best wishes. Luv Winnie.xxxx