Hi there,

It sounds as if you have your hands full! My cherub went through a horrid patch from 21/2 to 31/2. It seemed to hit massive proportions around the age of 3. It was exhausting and nothing really seemed to work! I discovered the thing that had the most impact ( you cannot reason with a 3 year old that is in the middle of a ferocious tanty chucking frenzy) was to put her in the hallway and shut the door. As I was not able to see the performance, it made her angrier and she would slam against the door screaming and frothing. I would just repeat over and over. I love you, but your behaviour is making me upset and you can't come out until you say you are sorry. ( I had tried sitting down and hugging her only to be hit and kicked, talking quietly etc..etc.. withdrawing desired items and out of sheer frustration during an hour long screaming frenzy a smack on the bottom...nothing even made a dint)  She would eventually ( it took a while at times) say Sorry! I would then open the door and give her a hug ( yes, I did have to hold it shut as otherwise she would open the door, hurl herself in front of me and continue her tanty! Yes I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was like being in the middle of a war zone!) .I would tell her I loved her very much, however her behaviour was not on and I would not accept that sort of behaviour. When she had calmed down, I would ask her if she knew why she had been put in the hallway. She knew exactly why and would tell me she was sorry again. It didn't stop it from happening again at times, particularly when she was tired, but by being consistant and persistant, the extreme behaviours lessened over time, it took a few months, but it has worked. I also talked  with her about her feelings ( at times when she was happy) and how she could better deal with them. Eg: If you get REALLY angry about something, what can you do instead of yelling and screaming? By talking about what it looks like and feels like and other options  that they have to get it out, then it empowers them to be in charge of those feelings rather than being frustrated by them. Continully reinforcing the good behaviour and not accepting the bad behaviour will win out. It sounds as if most of it is attention seeking behaviour. At that age they don't discriminate between bad attention and good attention....any is good as long as they get it!!! Sit down with your wife and devise a behaviour plan so that he consistently gets the same response and consequence from both of you. You have to stick to it !! Remain as calm as you can under duress ( your reaction : being shocked, upset, angry is giving him attention he wants) it has to happen EVERY time. It may take a few weeks ( remember it has taken a while for the behaviour to get to where it is, so it will take a while to create a change) . Good luck and remember there is help out there as suggested by other members to help you get him back on track. Good luck!

I can sympathise i have a three year old daughter who is going through the tantrum stage at the moment we have screaming over eating breakfast to getting dressed to refusing to use the potty. we live 5 mins walk from my older daughters school and she screamed all the way to school the 20 mins we were there and all the way home because i wouldn't carry her so i know where you are coming from, we also have a 10 1/2 month old and thought that maybe its a jealousy thing.

we are finding that the naughty bed (her old toddler bed) is starting to limiting the tantrums to 10-15 mins instead of an hour or longer.

Hi there,

Have you heard of a parenting course called 1-2-3 magic?

Ive just started it, after doing much research on it and speaking to many other parents that have also done it, and the beauty about this course is it helps you to understand the root of the bad behaviour. Their theory is, if you can understand your child, and their personality, you have a greater chance of understanding why they misbehave.

This course is FREE and has been successful in 90% of cases.

And the other 10% is only because either the parents didnt understand their child properly, or they gave up too soon.

I have started seeing a change in my kids from the first day I started this course. I wish I had found it sooner.

Another thing I should probably mention, is I have spoken to lots of dads who have also done the course, you know, real blokey blokes that ordinarily would have an opinion like 'pfftt noone needs to teach me how to raise my son' and I can tell you now, each and every one of them raves about it, as it is done in a really enjoyable way where everyone has fun, and it totally takes the stress out of parenting. And each and every one of them have said that it has saved their marriage. If it werent for that, they would have walked out long ago as it was all getting too much for them before they started 1-2-3 Magic.

If you want more info, let me know and I'll type up the flyer I got at the start of the course :)

Another suggestion is to remove ALL processed food from his diet - added sugar, fat, "numbers.  Or have him allergy tested as there could be something in his diet cnflicintg with his nervous system or brain.  Not as scary as it sounds either.  Don't fee him pre-packaged treats and try and have you and your wife make as much as you can at home - that way you can minotor what is going into his body.

The old adage of "what we eat today, walks and talks tomorrow" is so so true!  I was amazed when my son started school what crap some kids are fed because the marketing companies push it as "a healthy alternative".  They make parents feel that just becasue a mueslie bar for example, has rolled oats in it then it has to be good!  What rot!!

I did an experiment with my kids a few years ago and we calculated how much sugar and fat most kids eat in a day - and even I was gobsmacked .... An average days' food and snacks measured out in teaspoons filled a glass (large one) with sugar and another with oil!!  I was already fairly aware of the importance of diet, and while I'm no earth mother, It made sense that growing bodies don't benefit from chemical additives.  My kids still remember how horrified they were when at the end of it I said "so why don't you just eat this glass of sugar and drink this oil?"

Firstly - congratulations on caring so much you are asking for help for your wife!!  hats off to you.

Was his behaviour like this before the new baby?   Sorry to say this and please don't take it as a personal attack - but he just seems downright defiant and that he is taking great pleasure in upsetting you.  Don't feel guilty about smacking him - I am sure when faced with behaviour like that, even the most patient of parents would snap and smack (I know I have!!).

An important lesson for ALL children to learn is that it is OK to have a bad day or feel angry but they have no right to take it out on those around them.  They also need to know that the world does not revolve around them, and it's all about everyone being happy not just themselves.

Try reading an article I wrote called Effective emthods of discipline.  I think ti works because the aprents don't need to scream, yell or become visibly upset - you can easily maintain control.  If I cm completely honest, it gives you a feeling of satisfaction that the child is NOT going to win and control you, and they don't get the attention from the behaviour they want so eventually give up and coform reasonably. 

It also teaches them about the conseuqeunces of their actions, and to take responsibility, AND they see that good behaviour is rewarded. 

Try it and I am fairly certain it will work for you - but be prepared not to see results immediately.  It could take a few days or withs ome kids it can take a month!

Placing kids in their bedrooms is not a good form of punishment because they should associate their bedrooms, and sleep areas with happy, calm feelings - not anger and punishment.  Also many parents make the msitake of sending children to their rooms where they proceed to sit and play - when they should be sitting there and thinking about the behaviour that got them there and why it is not ok.

At his age you could try a different approach - Remove the bulk of his toys and tell him he can have them back as his behaviour improves.  If he has nothing to play with he will soon see what he needs to do to reclaim things.  but you have to be tough and persistent.  Trying one method for a few days, then another when the first doesn't work, then another, usually only confuses the child and shows them you are desperate and that they are winning by getting to you.

Some kids respond when they see Mum cry and then realise they have gone too far.

LOL I once had chinese friends in malaysia and when their 3 yo behaved ike this (which was regularly) they would drive him around the block and leave him outside the Indian neighbours' place for 5 minutes.  He was scared of the neighbour so this would pull him back into line for about a week or so!  I wouldn't recommend it, but thought you might get a laugh out of it and it sounds like you need one!!

Good luck and please feel free to update me on how it goes if you try it.

Sharon

My 3yr old is a pain in the a**  too. Yesterday she tipped all the soap out (it was almost full).

The worse part is that she is an angel one minute and you turn your back and she's doing something really bad.

The other day she got up early and helped herself to 4 packets of chips, she used adult scissors to open them.

6 months ago we had to put a chain on the front door (backwards) because she was escaping.

Be extra vigilant with the baby. My daughter loves her brother and is very careful and gentle one minute and squashing him the next. I don't even leave them alone together when I go to the toilet.

Star chart help us a bit, but they haven't solved our problem.

Goodluck!

I know this is something you may have tried, but have you ruled out disorders, My little brother was very much the same way when he was 3, and my mum took him to the dr's alll kept saying nothing is wrong with him etc. eventually around 7 years old a paedeatrician (SP?) took a look at him and said there is something wrong with this little boy. It turned out he had ADHD. Now this doesn't mean medication there are other ways of dealing with these disorders, such as alternate Diets.

Hope this help

cheers Queenie

wow, sounds like a handle... i agree with old girl with the way to say and aproch him. I know his only three but i  had an old house mate who went through something simlarwith her little boy and end the end she use to make him clean up his own mess, it's sounds harsh and sometimes it was but she was a single mum at wits end so when he would shit on the toilet floor not in the toilet  she would make him get the loo paper and clean it up, same with the food he threw at the wall  he cleaned it up because she made it that he had know choice... im not sure if this will help.... as for the smack on the bum I'm for it, i dont mean major pain and disapline but it didnt hurt me or my siblings to get a wak when you deserved it. the only thing i can think of it to put him in daycare a couple of days a week so hes not so in your faces and he gets some space to. WHAT about bribing him  with your time, if hes good for 3 daysw then just him and mummy or him and daddy go to the park together alone and have fun.... again not sure if it will help. good luck.

I have a 3 year old who also has done some of these things. Time out was effective for us, however we also used a star chart, if our son did something good he could put a star on the chart, but if he was naughty HE took a star off the chart, once he got 5 stars he got a reward, it is never an expensive reward, our son is not allowed to use our computer so it was as simple as some time playing a game on the computer or some one on one time with one of his parents, it is things like that, that are trivial for us, but mean the world to a kid.

We also found that our older daughter tells our three year old to do things that he shouldn't, we decided that perhaps she should be punished for what our son does which has limited the amount of things that she now tells him to do.  She has also now started out for him telling him not to do things or "we will get into trouble".

I dunno if that helps but that is what we hafe done.

Good luck and best wishes,

Chris

Maybe the oldgirl can offer some help. First a question did this behaviour actually start after the birth of the baby? You seem to have tried time out, punishment etc. Can you bring yourselves to try verbal rewards? When he behaves even for five minutes or does something good thank him for doing that even thank him for being wonderful and tell him what a pleasure it was to be with him. He may reward this with more unacceptable behaviour. Hard as it is unless his behaviour is dangerous try to ignore it. When he does things like stuffing toilet paper in the toilet etc. try not to react but say something like "Oh, I am so sad. I might have to call a plumber to fix this. If I do I will have to spend money on that. I had wanted to take you out on the weekend." Comments like this sometimes work even with little ones. Anyway it might be worth a try since nothing else seems to be working. Might write a more lengthy article on this tomorrow. Hope it is of some help.

Oldgirl