Bravo, that is one piece of advice I would recommend to everyone =)

Instead of trying to change or control a situation, just accept it, understand it, let it be. The best form of inner peace there is and will teach you great amounts of empathy.

As the song says "Speaking words of wisdom... Let it beeeeee".

Thank you all for your advice, I really appreciate it all.  Yes, this is a bitter pill for me to swollow and its killing me inside that I can do nothing to stop her.  I will forever be here for her, and I do my best to not tell her what to do, or how to live her life.  I have come to accept the fact that she married a man who in my eyes is no good but cant change that. 

With that said, my husband and I have sat down with not only her but her husband as well this morning and asked them what are their plans and how will they support this baby.  We asked them if they fully grasp the reality of being a parent.  Their answers I must say pissed me off right along with my husband.  They told us they recently applied for food stamps, and medicaid.  So with that I asked how will they buy dippers and all the other things food stamps wont pay for, to my amazment her answer was thats what TANF is for.  This is the reason for my anger and hurt.  You see my mother died when we were very young, I was only 7, she was only one, my other two sibblings lived with my father there for didn't get hit as hard as her and I.  I moved in with my dad and she moved in with her grandparents after her father died 3 months later.  My dad was never around, he was always traveling with work, or out on dates so me and my other sibblings were often left alone.  Thanks to my mom being a good mom, I knew how to make simple things although I never did it alone, but was soon cooking for myself and my sibblings.  I did laundry, washed dishes and made sure my sibblings got ready and went to school on time.  While others played outside, I was inside trying to keep our house together.  At the age of sixteen I was self sufficiant and on my own.  I moved out after a judge signed a paper stating that I was muture enough to live alone.  I held a job, went to school, and even started college courses.  I refused to be relyant on anyone, much less the state.  I knew the moment I tried to get help they would send me back to live at home with my father and I didn't want that.  So when kids my age where going to partys and doing stupid things I was already a adult with responcibilities.   So I cant say I ever hit that stage where you believe you know it all and I would listen to no one.  Because at that age I was more muture and doing better for myself then my own father!  We brought my sister into our home so we could get her to the point where she is self relyant and doing good.  To hear her say thats what the states for makes me mad!  She knows all that I went through and the fact that I had no childhood, I wanted her to have the childhood I never did, I wanted her to be able to go to school with out the worries of a child, I want her to be self sufficiant and do good for herself and her family.  However she has no plan and thats just fine for her, she wants nothing more in life and thats okay she is content.  I really really wish she wouldn't put herself in such a possision however she is in it and nothing can change that, now she needs to wake up and come up with a plan to care for her baby and her family now.  in a short version she needs to grow up and she needs to do it fast!!!!

My husband and I don't see ourselves helping them further do to the fact that it will only allow them to stay children.  We will help with what the baby needs after he or she is born but thats it, up to this point we were giving her money to keep her afloat with all that she needs being a female, we gave her money to have fun with and to do things with, then all this takes place, so we just cant help her anymore.  She needs to learn to grow up and take care of herself .  If this sounds messed up to people I am sorry, but I have done all I can for her.....my husband and I have done all we can for her. As much as it hurts I am taking a back seat in her life from now on and letting her learn the hard way.  And trust me this kills me to do, but I really have no clue what else to do!!!!!

Hi there,

Your sister obviously has a bright future....it may be slighty delayed, but it is still there. Do you not remember at 18 being bulletproof and not needing advice as you already knew it all???? What she needs at the moment ( she may already realise that she has made some decisions that are now out of her immediate control but having someone tell her over and over she is doing the wrong thing will make her all the more likely to stick with her decisions) is your support. It MUST be non- judgemental. Take an interest in her wellbeing and the babies development. If she has any questions ( about now she may be feeling a bit scared) hold her hand and help her find the answers...DO NOT tell her I told you so. If you can help and support her in a HAPPY and non-judgemental manner, if she has any problems or reservations, she will turn to you... however if you take the, " I told you so approach "you will alienate her and she will never ask for your help, assistance or advice. You need to remember that you have taken the place of her Mum and Dad... and have done an outstanding job.....however, do you not remember at her age thinking that your parents had no idea...put yourself in her shoes and imagine what she is thinking and feeling at the moment. Good luck~! You obviously care deeply for you sister, tread carefully and you will enjoy a much better relationship  with her and her child!

She is in America.
 

Also that being said for people in Australia, Im in SA and I was 18 and pregnant and the housing didnt put me on emergancy - they actually have a 3 year waiting list for housing at the moment, and thats priority housing.
Here they gave us our security bond to find a private rental.

Thank you all for your advice!  I will be here for her through it all and she knows this!  Its just killing me that I am unable to show her its wrong!  She had a great life ahead of her and now I have to sit back and watch it fly away with the dust and she is in very long falling situation that if she dont see the light will only take her to rock bottom!

You are not alone that is all I want you to know. I am having problems with my 16 year old at the moment. I didn't raise him to be like this but I have found that I can't do it without help. He needs to see things for himself sometimes but it is frustrating but nagging at him has not helped, I am trying to listen more and let him take consequences for his actions. Hope it all works out for you. xx

I have a amazing supportive husband!  For that I think god everyday.  My husband is as hurt as I am over all this.  We have done everything for this girl only for her to spit in our face, at least thats how it feels.  Neither of us have any idea on what to do other then be there, she knows we are always here when she needs us. I just dont want her to hit rock bottom before she sees the light!  But thank you again!

Rebecca

Yes you can be a great mother and stay home and not make anything of yourself, you are right about that.  You are also right that I cant tell her what to do.  I am not saying I want to control her or that she will be a bad mom if she dont make something for herself.  What I am saying is that she is in a messed up situation and she is bringing a child into this world when she her self is a child still.  She has so many rough patches in the rode of life to go over now because of the choices she has made.  I simply want to get her to understand that its not easy being a mom, nor is it easy to support a child.  I was a young mother, I know what I went through, and the last thing I want for her is to travel the same rode I did.  Its really simple questions that I ask her that she has no answer for and that right there shows me she is not ready to be a mom.  Questions like, where will you baby call home?  Will it be mommy's house or grandma's house!  How will she buy all the things babies need?  You cant support a child with love!  To be a real mother you must be able to provide what your child needs, as well as the love the baby deserves.  What your saying makes sense, but it still leaves open all the questions. 

What you are saying is that she nor her husband needs a job, that just cause they have no way to support that child dont mean they are bad parents.  No what it means is that they are immuture, selfish, and in no situation to bring a baby in this world.  Thier way of thinking is that of a 14yr old.  I am sorry but you need more then love to be a parent.  It takes money, time, and disipline to be a parent.  If being a parent only took love then why is so many people on welfare?  Why are so many mom and dads of pregnant teens stuck raising another child?  Why do you hear about so many people getting their kids taken away because they can not care for them?  What happens if the baby gets sick, doctors cost money, how will she feed that baby?, how will the baby get clothes to wear?  Or dippers, wipes, baby shampoo, baby lotion and all the other things you need for a baby?

I was a CNA when I had my little girl and I still had a hard time supporting her!  They have no income, how will they do it?  One more person on welfare.  I am not talking down about people on welfare, I think its great that when you need help its there, but why put yourself in a situation that you know you cant afford?  What is this world comming to when you can get pregnant and let the state take care of you?  What kind of example is that?  Its a sad and stupid thing to do and teach your child.  I busted my a$$ to get where I am at in life, I went to school while supporting a child alone, I busted my a$$ to show my kids that you have to work hard in life to get anywhere, and work harder if you make stupid choices.  She is my sister I love her dearly, but I think its a stupid choice to get pregnant with no way to care for that child.  The message our goverment sends is its okay to be lazy and not work, get pregnant and we will support you.  He can work but choses not to, she can goto school and get a good career to be able to raise that child, but she choses not to.  It was a choice to get pregnant, they tried for that baby, and now she is relying on the goverment and his parents to care for her and the baby.  I would say that right there shows she needs someone to take her by the hand and show her what she needs to do.  She needs to really grow up and see this is the wrong way to raise a child.  Welfare is there to help people who are unable to work or hit a rough patch, not as a way to stay home and do nothing.  People who work hard and have jobs, the ones who try to be self relyant but need a little help to jump start them are unable to get help because of people who chose to rely on welfare!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My husband works for the city and I am a nurse, we both come accross people who are hard workers and try their hardest to make it on their own, but when they need a little help they can't get any.  Maybe you should watch that movie John Q, because it shows you what reality is.  I mean no disrespect in anyway tward you, I am simply stating my opinion.  I believe anyone whom thinks its okay to get pregnant and not work should not be able to have a child because its no way to raise a child!  To me thats bad parenting!!!!!!!!!  If he dont want her to work then he should because someone has to support that baby and as of now its going to be millions of hard working tax payers!  

Hey take a deep breath and count to 5. I'm not implying anything that you've said. Do you often take things people write or say and choose to see it in a negative light? If so, this might be why your sister does not listen to you.You sound like a very angry person and should take a few steps back before writing or saying things in the heat of the moment. If you do this often, you could ruin a lot of close relationships that you have.

First of all you say that you don't want to control her. Let me point out a few things you've said you want her to do:

"I simply want to get her to understand that its not easy being a mom, nor is it easy to support a child."

You want her to, this is a form of control.

"To be a real mother you must be able to provide what your child needs, as well as the love the baby deserves."

What gives you the right to tell her how a "real" mother behaves? Do you have the right to define what a "real" mother is? Nobody has the right to dictate to another mother how they should be raising their kids. You are over stepping your boundaries as her sister.

Secondly, I'm a registered psychologist, I graduated in the top 10% of Australia and you have no idea what my life has entailed.  I know what reality is more than you think thank you very much and have not only been in the situation your sister has and got out of it myself, but have helped others in the same position. Insulting me does not make you any more experienced than I. This is not a power struggle, I am here to help you!

If you have bombarded your sister with as much negativity and anger as you have possessed today writing this response, it is no wonder she has chosen to be in the relationship she has. Women who choose to be in domestic relationships more often than not had an over controlling care giver!

Try to calm down and be there for her. I do hope you don't treat your nursing patients in the same manner as you have spoken to me today. As you would be doing more damage than healing.

After such a negative response and taking my offerings of help to you today only to be insulted and spoken to in such an aggressive manner, it's any wonder why your sister doesn't listen to anything you say.

I think you should be doing your own self healing before you can heal anybody else.

Mys

xx

Forgive me I reread what I wrote and I come off as a bitch!  I love my sister and will be her for her, she knows that!  I do not tell her what to do, I simply want a way to show her that life is hard.  I have no clue how to explain to her that she needs a way to support this child.  I am a very blunt person and that can come off as me being bitch or telling her what to do.  I only want a calm nice way to explain to her that a baby needs more then love and its not right bringing a child into a world with no way to support it.  I want her to come off cloud nine and start thinking and putting into action a plan on how to become self relyant!

I can tell you love your sister or you wouldn't be as upset as you are. With all the experiences you've had to go through only to come on top of it all and become successful is amazing. You wouldn't be where you are today if you hadn't struggled. Your sister is a smart woman and I'm positive that she will see her own mistakes. I'm sure you could agree that sometimes struggles in life are exactly what we need! Where would you be today without them? Sounds to me your little sister wants to learn things the hard way and sometimes the hard way is a good way. One day she will be as wise as you and will wonder why people don't listen to her experiences. I'm sure you were like that one day too and look where you are now!! Usually people become the change they want to see in the world. If she is as smart as you say she is, she'll probably end up in a similar position =)

"

A man was walking in the park one day when he came upon a cocoon with a small opening. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through the little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It looked like it had gotten as far as it could, so the man decided to help the butterfly. He used his pocketknife and snipped the remaining bit of the cocoon.

The butterfly then emerged easily, but something was strange. The butterfly had a swollen body and shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected at any moment the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and deformed wings. It was never able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to emerge was natural. It was nature's way of forcing fluid from its body into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our lives.

If we were allowed to go through life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. And we could never fly.

Beethoven composed his greatest works after becoming deaf. George Washington was snowed in through a treacherous winter at Valley Forge. Abraham Lincoln was raised in poverty. Albert Einstein was called a slow learner, retarded and uneducable. If Christopher Columbus had turned back, no one could have blamed him, considering the constant adversity he endured.

History has shown us that the most celebrated winners usually encountered heartbreaking obstacles before they triumphed. They won because they refused to become discouraged by their defeats.

Celebrate your difficulties as they teach you to grow."

Harvey Mackay