OMG people - did you even read what winja wrote above and in her comment below? She DOES NOT hate her son in any way shape or form! She thinks he's totally adorable and is one of the best mum's I know....she doesn't resent her son at all! Give her a break and read before you comment!

Luv ya hunni and you know I am on the other end of the phone whenever you need! xxoo

 I kinda understand where you are coming from. I am told quite often that my youngest looks like my dad, or his side of the family. This really grates with me each time because I've tried to distance myself from that part of my family. I am still respectful and in contact with them, but.... For example, I changed my last name as soon as I could. To me my dad and his family have shown so much ugliness in their behavior and actions, so much control and abuse, I don't want to associate with that part of my life anymore then need be. I remember when I was younger not even wanting to look my dad in his face because I hated him so much. I don't hate him any longer. I can look him in his face and still love him as my father. But it hurts me sometimes to here my baby looks like him because it just reminds me of his grandfather who has not made any real effort to be a part of his life.

 I guess what I try to do is just put it out of my mind as soon as I hear it. I try not to dwell on it. And try to remember that people who are completely unrelated can sorta resemble someone. 

 Also, I want you to know that most intelligent people here can see that you are a wonderful mother who loves her son very much, and do not doubt that for a second!

I will share with you how I managed to move on. Forgiveness and understanding.

My mother wouldn't let me express myself as a child, I wasn't allowed to show emotions to her. She would punish me whenever I was upset. I ended up thinking she was the worst person in the world. Then when I fell pregnant, she kicked me out of the house with no warning and I had nothing but the clothes on my back. Then one day I woke up and I decided to ask myself why I allowed myself to still be angry with her. I often questioned why people could act so cruel. So I decided to try and understand why she treated me the way that she did so I could stop blaming myself and stop the anxiety.

I found out that she was abused as a child and she thought she was over it but she wasn't. What she wasn't aware of was it was still affecting her and her way of dealing with it was to punish anyone who showed any signs of emotional weakness or vunerability. Whenever I was upset or showed emotional vunerability she saw herself in me

People see their own insecurities and strengths in others. Kind of like a mirror.

When I finally understood her, I could forgive her.  Something I had trouble with for a long time. I realised that she did the best that she could do because that's all she was taught. Inside she was an innocent soul who thought she was only being strong. In the end, the insecurities leaked out upon her children. When I had a child of my own, it was too much for her because she couldn't move on from her past.

I went from being angry with her, to feeling sorry for her. What a tough time she's had hanging on to all that anger for years. Then I realised I had been doing the exact same thing.

Break the cycle.

"Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds." - Albert Einstein

It takes great amounts of empathy and a lot of practise.

So it is your little secret!!  The one thing I know is you are a wonderful Mother.  You have a happy and wonderful little guy.  So your secret,Tobias is nothing like his father.  You know that.  You are raising him with love and directing him, you know he will turn out so well!  You are doing so well don't let his sperm donor creep into your mind in any way.  Not easy I know but you can do it.  Do it for you and your family as I know they mean everything to you.  I also agree with Janice...that has to be the cutest picture ever that you are using for your avatar,I even showed it to my Hubby who thought the same.

Its a shame that people let themselves waste more than half their lives on despising others, regardless for what reasons or how bad a deed was befelled upon them. After reading 'bleshu's', response to your initial question (and yours), I can not understand, why anyone would see nothing but BAD in an undeveloped beautiful and innocent child. Children may have some or simular looks as one or both of the parents and some characteristics will be more of one than the other, but that does not mean that they will grow to be a 'clone' of that parent. Every childbeing has  their own personality developing. That personality will develope through the guidance of the people around them and of course by the strongest influences, the parents. If a parents' hatedred and despisement of someone is displayed before a child, then the child will see this as a normal (natural) behavour within their developement, and that the final product, the developed (grown) child, can actually become the depised person. In other words, keep a child in an abusive environment and that will be a natural developement for that child ie.. grow to abuse. Remove the child from the abusive environment and a new natural developement will occur ie.. non abusive. (I say this because for every 'action' there is a 'reaction', so if there is one action, then the other would haveto be opposite).

ONE may need too seek help, if not for themselves then for their developing child, in ONES unhealthy veiws of others. Just think of the great ways one could spend that 'wasted time of their life', on onesself!.

Unfortunately, I too have people I dislike for one reason or another, but if I wereto waste my life, my time and my energy on them, directly or indirectly, I know I would only be making their 'wasted life' on me, less wasted, and that would make me NO BETTER then them, so I PERSONALLY would seek some professional help.

Please dont waste your life, especially on someone not worth it!!

hi and thanks to everyone for responding i really appreciate it.

it makes me feel better to know that other people are just as annoyed by friends/family doing the same thing to them.

i do think i should have reworded this slightly i wrote it very late last night when i was very upset...

in no way do i think my son is ugly i think tobias is absolutely adorable and anyone on my friends list or my facebook ect would know i spoil him rotten and i take millions of pictures of him and talk about him all the time, hes breastfed, we semi co-sleep hes in cloth and im now a babywearer hes 12 months old and ive only ever left him when hes been asleep we are full time together we have had no problems with bonding or anything like that that is sooo not the issue so im sorry if it came across like that.

my problem is i DONT see his father in him at all and im suddenly being constantly told that he looks like his father to the point where im told he looks NOTHING like me which upsets me as im the only one whos looked after him ever and his father has put me through a great deal of hurt.

i dont want to begin to see the things that are being pointed out because i DO see my son for himself but being told all the time that hes looks different to how i see him makes me look if that makes sense?

so how do i stop people from telling me that and make them understand that it hurts me and how do i get over the fact that i hate the other person who created him was my question and there was some great responses here that will help me with those so thankyou everyone for caring and thanks for the support!

p.s the avatar is turned backwards for two reasons

1. janice loves the "little red bum pic" and quite a few others commented saying they liked this pic in my blog i think its adorable too

and

2. i dont like using an avatar that shows either myself or my childrens face because avatars are the first thing ppl see on minti and id rather keep it something neutral. i normally have my cat and ive never changed it since 2006 i only changed it this time because dee asked me to for christmas lol

thanks to every single person who responded again

xxxnat

I've always been a firm believer that what is on the outside does not define you as a person. What defines you as a human being is what you hold on the inside.

Your son is being raised by a beautiful spirit (you). It is for this reason that he will have more of you in him than his father will ever have.

If someone points it out to you, just tell them this.

The photo of your son turned around almost made me cry. I can see this is affecting you immensly.

xx

mys

Just because your son looks like his father now does not mean he will grow up looking the same. 

Society makes us look for similarities between us and our children.  Thing is.. as it is you and not  his father standing beside him when these comments are made, people can't see a similarity in you so they naturally go with 'the father'. 

Life experiences lead our mind to compare... traits, mannerisms, experiences....  your little boy is a product of two people genetically, Environmentally he will be a product of YOU..

Be proud of his looks, his characteristics, his traits... these will be the images you see in your mind when little Tobias has grown into a man.  Remember, the definition of 'ugly' or unattractive is in the eye of the beholder...  that's what makes us all different and individuals.

Instead of looking at your son with pain and anger in your heart.... Look at him thru the eyes of hopes and dreams...  hopes of his accomplishments for the future.. dreams about where and what the pair of you will be doing in the exciting years to come.

It has been left up to you alone to raise this little man into the best he can be...embrace that...

Hi Sweetie,

i am so sorry for you really, and i know how you feel, but just ignore those people and don't listen to them any more, your son will be a great boy and will reflect by you, so no wories.

+ remember the good things about your sons father, and am sure you'll feel okay, so just look at the good sides, don't look at the bad one.

and by the way your son is raised with you, right, so you can let all the good and great things u like to be in that great son.

enjoy life honey. and don't let your son down.

Hun,

You may not like his father, but try and think that there had to be some good in him.  That good created your little treasure.  Tobias is the best part of his father and the best part of you too.

He will change the way he looks as he grows, but he is not his father, he is his own little person.  How he turns out depends on how you raise him.

There had to be something good about his father for you to be with him.  Look at your son and remember the good times, not the bad times.  Have no regrets in life and tell yourself that you have done an amazing thing by bringing him into this world.

There will always be something to remind you of his father.  If Tobias hadn't come along, then the reminders would have come from somewhere else.

The father of my eldest son was very abusive and has left me with emotional scars that I carry around every day.  My son is the spitter of him looks wise.  Especially when he gets mad and chucks a wobbly.

I know exactly how you feel.  I find it hard to give physical affection to my son simply because he does look so much like his father.  I actually get "the icks" when he gets to close to me.  I love my son with all my heart but I cant control the way my mind and body reacts when he gets too close.  I try to compensate verbally.  If I know I have pushed him away physically that day I make sure I tell him something that I really like about him.  I will try to set up some 1 on 1 time, watching a movie or playing cards etc.

It kills me that I feel this way and I hate his father for it even more.  His fathers family are forever telling him "god you're like your father"  He thinks they mean personality wise and fears that he will be an alcoholic drug addict himself.  So then I have to tell him some more how much I like him.

Parenting sucks, its the hardest job there is and there is no manual.  Dont beat yourself up over it, just try to make a sucky situation not so sucky.

OK this is the short term and funny fix; my heritage celebrity match  Put a piccy of the lovely Tobi in there and see who he matches up to.  Get a picture of your fav hot celeb and put it in your wallet and when you are out and about, flash that as his father.

As for a long term fix, only time and your own determination are going to heal that wound my little minx cat.  Every time it bothers you, force yourself to laugh out loud and hold your head up high... Eventually you will actually laugh and hold your head up high out of habit, (having trained your subconcious that this is the appropriate reaction to thoughts about your ex/friend).  Your body will be fooled into thinking it is happy and you will receive all the happy hormones and actually feel better... TRY IT, it works, I think it is part of nuero linguistic programing.

Nat hun, your son is himself, what other people see is not the reality. It may help one's own ego to be told a child looks like a parent, but it does not help the child,LOL.

Disreguard all that nonsense, your bub is his own delightful self, with his own features, personality and traits. Sperm donors dont make a child in the true sense, parenting does that, and hun you the parent here, its you and your influence that counts when the day is ended.

Just tell the "Looks like the Donor brigade" that sorry you just think he looks, acts and is himself, which is true.

Luv Winnie.xxxx

my son is a mini image of me and it really upsets my partner when people say it as there is no features of him in our son. 

you need to look at your son and see only your son, dont let people tell you hes more like his father cos he is not.  he is YOUR SON  he will out grow his boyish looks soon enough.  look at him and see your features in  him cos HELLO you helped create him. look at his eyes, his nose or even the way he does things you will soon find YOU in him. 
next time some tells you he looks like his father ask them if they think your child is ugly and watch them squirm.

my son might look like me but he acts and does things his father would do.

just keep reminding your self that he's your son and nothing will change it he will grow into a gorgeous man soon enough and then u need to buy a baseball bat to keep the girls at bay

hi

i understand totally how you feel my son is a red haired spitting image of his father, and from day one i have not been allowed to forget it, and when we broke up thatz all i heard from people and still do. and it hurts still even though we have been broken up for nearly four years!! the thing is my ex was never there (even when we were together) for our son, I taught him all his words, I was there for him when he needed cuddles, I was there when he was sick, learnt to walk, crawl, I taught him everything. and when i look at my son even though i have everyone saying that he looks like his father (and physically he does with a litle bit of my dad mixed in!) i dont see that, i see a little boy that i (please dont laugh) grew inside of me, that i love and have nurtured since before ANYONE knew what he looked like. looks alone are not what makes a person and when someone says that about him, please step back and just look at him, look who his smile is for, listen and pay attention to what he says and think who, those words are for, and as with my son pay attention to his personality, for with conner he is nothing like his dad, and for that i am the proudest! goodluck and i know that at times it is bloody hard, but if these people know what kind of man your ex was point out "well he can always rely on his personality" (sarcastic joke i know) but in many ways true, they should know that what they are saying is mean and not very considerate. cheers

Please Please Please ignore the comments and look at your son and see YOUR SON.....

The time we have with them is precious and your little cherub needs you to love him unconditionally and that includes who you see when you look at him....

My grandparents looked at my brother (half brother) with contempt because of who his father was and because he looked like him....He is now treated as an outcast and he was never going to be or amount to anything because of his father,,,,The boy just did not stand a chance... always negative put downs....Sure he does have his issues but I don;t think he is entirely to blame.

I agree with the others and their comments in regards to the sperm donor of your son, make him a better person than his dad, teach him what is in your heart, teach him how to love, right from wrong and hug him and tell him you love him. You can do this because the way you have written your question shows that you love Tobias...

I know that this is and will not be easy but you can do it, I send you hugs right now to lift your spirit and see and concentrate on what you have a not on what his father is not.....

Cheers Spinnychic

Heya Nat,

                well you know that I've been there before with miss g. The amount of people that said that she looks soooo much like her dad and nothing like me. Well, that's when she was 2 and now she's 8 and really there ain't a lot of  sperm donor showing up! Kids constantly change...  I swear there are days I look at Miss g and think she looks like my sister or my nanna. He is YOUR son chook. You're the one raising him, you're the one that's there for all the milestones, the tears and the joy.

Looking at the pic's of Tobias, he has someone's cheeky smile and really has his mum's personality. People used to say the same thing to me "I can't believe you were ever with him". My response "If I hadn't of been with him then I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter".. used to leave them with nothing to say. The past is the past, we can't change it and we all make some wrong decisions. The results can be hard but the reality is you have a beautiful son because of one decision. There will be a day where you look at Tobias and the memory of sperm donor will hardly be there. You will move on Nat, I promise you will. I know it's hard to ignore people saying he looks so much like his dad..... I used to get so down and then I was mad at them.... how dare they insult my daughter lol. If you look at your gorgeous little one a little closer I know you'll find so much more of you then him.

You know how to get hold of me if you need chook..... and in my opinion.... Tobias is a little mini chicken pants!

fi xoxo

Hey hunny!

DONT listen to them.... I can gather who has said this,and all i can say they have there own motives. Besides this,  I REALLY dont think Tobias does, Tobias and Chloe look so much alike it not funny the only difference is they are the oppisite sex.

There is always one thing to remember Tobias is always going to be a better person and always reflect you and no one can take that away!

All you need to worry about is that you and your 2 children that they  are well clothed, fed and happy (which i know they are) ...But you all cant do this if people are in your head saying things that hurt you ...maybe you need to shut them off in you life until you can deal with this.  At the end of the day N is nothing and always will  be... he can never fix what he has done to his son already.

Sorry sweety you know im going to speak my mind but i love you and if you need need me today you know how to contact me .

Love you heaps and morer and moorer

Tee xoxoxo

hi there, your son may look like his dad but just remember he may look like him but he takes after you :) as it seems that you are the one who is raising ur son so he is going to have a great personality which will reflect him to be a totally different person in the end.... P.s hang in there :)