As you have already tried to get her to stop this behaviour, it is time to stop letting her have access to your daughter when she wants it.  Put your foot down.  The problems she is causing for your family will only get worse unless you put a stop to it now.

I have to ask, did the MIL have any daughters of her own?  Is your daughter her first granddaughter?  A yes to either of these could mean she is compensating for only having sons or having no granddaugthers before your daughter.  Does that make sense?

Don't think that MIL doesn't know what she is doing, because clearly she does, or she wouldn't be telling your mum about it.  You and your husband have to be firm with her now.  No contact with your daughter for a while and then gradually allow her back in.  If she starts it again, then the contact stops.  It's much like training a naughty puppy or a child.  You take away the attention and they learn to stop the offending behaviour (supposedly? lol).

Be firm and fair- fair to your family.

Hi there,

I would sit down, when you are feeling positive, and make a list of ALL the things that you appriecate about what your mother-in-law has done for your family. Everything that she has done over the past few years like, support when she was born, cooking a meal, doing a load of washing etc anything you can think of. Then on another piece of paper list what you consider to be a problem, like over night stays, behaviour methods, co-sleeping etc.

Then you could approach your m-i-l starting with all the positives and thanking her for them. Then go n to bring up the other issues using a problem solving method when you discuss the issues asking for her help to solve them, leading to how you are feeling about being a mum to your little one and how you would love some advice on how you can strengthen yours and your daughters relationship.

Sometimes grandmums do go a bit overboard, but normally with the best of intentions. We also like to feel needed and wanted, like when our children are little and it is hard to let go sometimes, but this relationship with a grandparent is valuable it just needs some minor adjustments!

I've had the same problem at one stage and every now and then it raises it's ugly head again. Maybe you should speak to your husband again and if she refuses to listen and abide by your wishes; then maybe you will have to spend more time with your daughter and have her spend less with your mother in law. I actually had to put my foot down and tell the parent concerned that there would be no more visitation if they persisted with going against my wishes. Bottom line is that she's your daughter and should be raised the way you and your hubby see fit. Believe me, having time away soon pulls them into line and everyone will soon respect boundries. Hopefully in spending more time with your daughter; you will start to feel the closeness you say is lacking.

Hope this helps

dear anonymous                                                   

Im new to minti but I have the same situation but its my daughter she is 23 & when I had my last little girl crissy in 2000, I took her in with me as I thouht a method in my madness ? once we got home WOW did it change it was like she was here mum I just gave birth. I then begain to feel deprest here I was a new mum filed with love for my new baby but unable to give it so I made a choice to take back the power of my baby & sit my daughter down & tell her that I new she loved her little sister but Im her mum & even though I loved her help she had to let me choose what was good for crissy & that when she has a child of her own she would under stand crissy is 8 now & my daughter still beg to differ but Im still the mum.

You really need to sit down and be up front with your mother law.  She is your daughter and you should be the one that best decides her punishment and as to whether she sleeps over or even goes to grandmas house.  If she cant behave for you at home, then she shouldnt go to grandmas house.  If you dont stop this now, you will never be able to deal with it and you will loose control of your little girl.  Be firm with your mother in law and your daughter.  Things maybe awkward for a while, but they will get much better in the future.  I know from experience.  If she is going to do what ever she wants, then you need to stop your daughter visiting her.  Her home is with you not with grandma.