I wrote a little while ago saying how my 12 yo ran away, and the answers i had were very useful. Today am writing because shes still with her dad and doesnt seem to want anything to do with me or her 5 other siblings. They have given her an allowance of 60 bux a fortnight or so and buying her everything her heart desires. Shes stayed with me at her own request twice since she left but had to ask his permission for even that. I have always had the kids, even in the relationship i was the stay at home mum. My lawyer says that its likely that she will be able to stay with him when we go to court in Feb because that is what she seems to want, but i know that they are buying her things and spoiling her to keep her there. The other children are confused and upset that she is getting all these priveleges, I have asked in my court application that she be returned to me but even if she does, is it in her best interests to force her to come home if shes saying that she doesnt want to? I love her soo much and I've always been a mum to her. When she was ill i was at her side and when she needed anything i was there for her as much as the other kids, i have no idea why she hates me soo much, I dont even smack my children coz i dont believe in it! she starts secondary school next year and i am scared that if she stays with her dad i will be completely removed from her life, they are throwing parties for her and not even inviting her other siblings which are all from the same dad.. he doesnt seem to realise that hes putting his relationship with the others under strain.. I've always made sure that the kids get to see their dad every fortnight even driving them there and picking them up and yet i am blocked from our oldest, has anyone been in this situation.. do i give up on my daughter and accept she doesnt want to be with me.. I'm confused.. Mel
Hi sorry to hear about your girl I dont really have any advice other than to not give up on her because there will come a day when she will want her mum may not be straight away but i do believe it will come. Any parent that trys to buy their childs love and loyalty in the end will be sorely disappointed because it never works long term. Keep your head up you sound like a loving mother, let her know in your way that your always there and I m sure things will work out. Good Luck
I have been through this before and my 13 year old is living with his dad now. You get to enjoy a great relationship with your daughter this way. If she is thriving here then why not let her stay. It isn't ideal that she is not visiting you and her siblings but hopefully she will get past this. My son left after we had a fight but has turned fine for us. My son was 11 when he did this and I was hurt also. I am not saying don't fight to get her back as I don't know your circumstances. My oldest son also moved out to live with his dad but came back after a couple of years, my middle son lived with him for about 6 months. I see it as there life experience, he is there dad and if he is willing and able to take on that responsibility then I let them. If this is the first time that it has happened then I understand how hard it is to take. I went straight to the family courts with the first but as he was almost 13 they did advise to let it go if he wanted it. It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you. She may want that only child attention. My youngest is thriving on that now too. Of course you love her. You are still her mum and will always be her mum.
If my understanding of your situation is correct, as we discussed via minti mail you should be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt that it's not in your daughters best interest to stay with her father.
You just need to prove his aggressive nature and have plenty and plenty of witnesses to support it. A decent judge wouldn't let a parent who has previously committed acts of domestic violence have full custody of your daughter.
I can't promise you that she will understand this though or that she won't take it out on you later in life. There is lots of counselling and support available if it comes to that stage.
Mel this happened with me sisters when we were growing up try not to be too upset as it is mainly the age where they want there independence and maybe she thinks that at her dads is will be easier to get what she wants...just try being there for her and the other children as well and try not to be negative when you can talk to her she will soon realize that you are there for her. I know it isnt easy and by forcing her to come back wont work as she will rebel against you. Good luck and hope it all goes well.
When you go to court beg for Family counselling. Sorry for upsetting you when I say this but I don't think the main concern is your daughter staying with her father. I think the main concern is that he is spoiling her and the other kids are seeing this and not being treated the same. They can grow to hate their father and sadly, their sister too. Let your daughter stay with her father if she wants to or she will only grow to hate you. It is now up to the father to treat all of his kids equally or everyone will pay for it later. That is the most important issue here.
Good luck. Hope I haven't upset you but my rule is kids always come first. Way before our feelings and wants/needs.
P.S He needs to be told that he is hurting his other children. What applies to little miss 12, applies to ALL of his children. If he does not do this and I repeat, it is the most important issue here... Your children may start to even blame themselves, think that their dad doesn't love them and cause all sorts of long-term problems. As much as it hurts you to not have your daughter with you, this is the most important issue. Your daughter will grow older and see things for what they really are. She only has one mother and that will always be you. If you force her home, you could ruin any possible relationship in the future and she may just grow to hate you for it. We can't be selfish about what we want and we also can't give one child special treatment above their other siblings.
The thing here is by not requesting her return in court i may inadvertantly be giving her dad full custody of her.. in which case, when he says she cannot see me then he has the power to enforce that! right now what she needs is someone to reinforce that i love her so that when shes ready, she will want to come and resolve whats gone wrong, but shes actually being rewarded for all the negatives she sees in our family. Nobody on his side is going to remind her that i love her, I was excluded from her orientation meeting with the parents at her request, because he was attending it! As for him being told that he has another 5 kids to think of, well i have done that too, hes verbally agressive about it and insists hes just doing the RIGHT thing by hid daughter....ohh and claiming sole parents and the reduction in his maintenence seeing as hes 3 grand in unpaid debt already has come in handy.... He actually left me 7 months pregnant with 5 little kids and told me that I was the one who wanted them therefore it WASNT his problem.. meanwhile this is the same guy that is ever so loving to ONE out of 6 of the kids and seems to justify himself without an ounce of guilt to his approach..I really dont know what to do about it and to be honest i doubt the law will protect me and my family or my daughter, seeing as the police that attended in the first place when i brought it to their attention she was locked in a house and told not to come out and work things out with her mum..origionally told me because i had no court papers to " go home and be a mother to the 5 kids you STILL have " sad isnt it how the system lets us down when we need it the most..its all there in black and white and no room for feelings or emotions...
Sorry i didn't realize things were as bad as that. I guess someone would have to know the full story in order to help you out. I only provided help against the information you had previously given.
I would fight it if I was in your situation. I'm thinking emotionally here rather than critically because you've demonstrated that you have tried to mediate and he has not come to the party. In fact he has been quite aggressive about it.
If her father is forcing her not to see you, he will live to regret it. She will grow older and by the age of 16 she will be allowed to make her own decisions. If after those 4 years he has denied visits to see you when she has asked to see you, she will make up her own mind and leave.
I'm not a lawyer nor am I overly confident with law so I would not be able to help you. I can suggest however, you use a children's psychologist in your defense. At least he or she can demonstrate beyond reasonable doubt the psychological effects on your daughters best interest and the interest of your other children.
I'm sorry he is doing this to you. You're handling things very well because I think if it ever happened to me rationality would be out the window and I probably would have already tried to stuff his head and mount it on the front of a train.
Sounds like her dad is being really selfish. I'm sorry that you are having to go thru this. You can't come down to his level though. Just keeping loving your daughter and all your children the way you are now. Don't be tempted to become more lenient to compensate for what your ex is doing. Whether or not he knows it, or cares, he is only hurting your daughter not helping her. It sounds like your a kind and caring mother. Don't give up hope!
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