Hi there,
Currently I am going thru the legal process of both trying to bring my oldest daughter back home and to aquire court papers for the other 5 children to state that they live with me and have access to him and his family on regular basis..
A couple of months ago, mostly because of the hurtful things my ex and his family have been saying about me and that mixed with my 12 yo nearly 13yo's raging hormones (already) saw my daughter walking out and being assisted by his friends to leave me and go and live with him against my will. The police confirmed that while I have no court documents I have no leg to stand on when it comes to custody arrangements! Even having raised her and her siblings, on my own for the past 4 years and the majority of my marriage aswell was unsupported, according to the law, its unlikely that I will ever have my child returned to me.
Shes stayed with me a couple of times since she left, and he doesnt even really have her at all, mostly its her nan on his side. As they go round telling everyone I rejected her and THEY have to raise her for me because i REJECTED her.. meanwhile I am fighting in court to have her come home again, its all that i want... her dad says she can stay whereever she wants and he wont send her home.
Ok now to get to the point! We've had many arguements and this has built up insecurity with us with reguards to our children, has completely ruined our communication abilities and now the matter is going to court because we were unresolvable as far as mediation was concerned.. they wrote out a certificate for me because of a very threatening arguement that we had previous where hes gotten to the stage where hes not reasonable when it comes to me and the kids. Most of what I had to put up with was like, you arent good enough, you dont provide what i want you to provide( mind you he didnt want to pay maintenence either) and the kids want to live with me etc... these are just words, they have no guts to them and they mean nothing with rights to your child..
My advice would be to go to this mediation with an open mind.. sort out your wants and needs as a parent where time with your daughter is concerned and let the ex's parents time be at yours and his discretion. If they want to spend time with her and you are already planning to do something together, its a simple, not today we are going out... maybe organise with your son in his time with our child to spend some time with her too... Alternatively, if you are on good terms with his parents, let your child spend time with them without feeling stressed about who has the most time, just reinforce that shes loved regularly and hopefully that will bring good outcomes.
Please dont let what the father says about her environment get to you, its one of those she would be better off without you comments and i get them all the time.. my ex commonly says it when he feels guilty about the fact that he's not done enough for our children.. I live in a housing commission home with a school thats quite rough, my kids still have friendships and there's good and bad aspects of every school or home.. It's unavoidable!!
I hope that mediation helps to sort though some issues for you and your ex and his family, for me it wasnt helpful, but remembering the most important thing in the equation is your child, what is in her best interests is the only thing that they consider and unfortunately us parents have to get our own emotional help if we arent coping .. a good counsellor that will listen to you is always a good thing.... check out whats available to other parents in the area, talking groups etc.. that might be able to help see that what you are experiencing is very much like many of us go thru every day and you arent alone in your situation. Sometimes it just helps to know that someone else knows what it feels like..
Hope this has been helpful, sorry bout rambling on a bit but these things are complicated.. All the best
Mel xx
