My knee is also a bit of a worry from falling down stairs.  Had x-rays yesterday and I should get the results next week.  But the doctor seems pretty sure I will need to see an orthopaedic surgeon and that there's a good chance there may be some cartilege damage.  Funnily, that doesn't bother me so much.  It's massively inconvenient - and possibly quite painful to treat - but I feel confident that it's treatable.  Which means eventually this too shall pass! ;-)

I'm feeling a bit confused as to my way forward at the moment.  I don't think I can continue to work full-time and study and look after kids and everything as I was if this labyrinthitis is to go on as it is.  But I can't stay in the job I'm in now and be happy.  So what's next? I really don't know.  I hope that some window opens for me soon.  I'd love to know which way the road was leading next...

It seems so strange to still be struggling each day... This might sound totally weird but I miss exercising!  I've never been an exercise junkie by any means - I struggle to go for a walk once a week!  But only yesterday I ended up with a big vertigo attack just from going on the bike for 5 minutes at my physio.  I just wish I could do what ever I wanted to do.  The weather's warming up and the flowers are out and I just want to be out in it running around...

On the bright side, I am improving.  2 weeks ago I couldn't get through more than a couple of hours at work without a headache.  Now I can get through 6 hours.  So things are getting better.  Just very, very slowly...

Other than that, we've just been getting on with wedding plans.  The sad news is that the minister at my church where we're getting married has recently been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and he is too ill at the moment.  But the good news is that I spoke to another minister friend today, and she's agreed to marry us at the same church so that's good.

Anyway, enough about me.  How have you been?

I feel so screwed up, and it doesn't help that BF keeps telling me I'm now officially mentally ill and "nuts". 

I am completely freaked about going back to work for a lot of reasons, but now I just want to go back so I can get a new job and quit my current job.

I'm sick of being sick...

Anyway there's not anymore to say cause my life is consequently pretty boring at the moment.  Hope everyone else is having a better time!

I've also booked the DJ who is this really lovely woman who also sings.  She also offers karaoke which I think would be great fun - and with quite a few singing type people coming to the wedding I think would be a good draw.  But BF is dead against it.  He's said that I could do karaoke if I wanted, but noone else could.  But as far as I'm concerned, that's half the fun - people singing badly (or even the odd one who can sing well!) and just having an awesome time altogether.  And picking on people if they really are hideously awful. LOL!

I ordered the invites the other day. Managed to get them on sale, so that was great.  I need to talk to BF's family now to bed down the invite list, cause I think they have some family they're wanting to invite.  I told his mum they can invite as many people they want as long as they're willing to pay for them, as our budget is fairly strict.  So I'll have to sort that out with her.

Also been looking for the car.  I really, really, really want to get a stretch limo that's large enough to fit our 9 member wedding party (Me & BF, my 2 kids, my 2 bridesmaids and BF's 3 groomsmen).  There doesn't seem to be anything that big in the town I live in, but I can get a reasonably priced one from Sydney.  So I think we're going to go ahead with that too.

It's all coming together really well!  I need to work out the flowers, the cake (which I currently need ideas on as I'm quite devoid of any) and just bed down some of the other details.  But I have ideas for just about everything else, even if I haven't ordered it yet. 

I've definitely been having a bad run health-wise though.  About 2 weeks ago I had to go home from work early with what ended up being diagnosed as vertigo due to an inner ear infection.  I went back to work a week ago and only lasted a couple of hours.  Been home since and still feeling really fatigued and out of it and dizzy when I don't take my medication.

That's about it really.  It just occurred to me I hadn't checked in on my blog for sometime so thought I'd better write something.  Hopefully I'll have some good news soon rather than all these dramatic injuries.

Instead, I see my friend's little boy sitting on the deck, crying, with blood pouring down his face.  I called to BF and he comes out and gets some paper towels to stem the blood flow, then calls the ambulance.  Then we tried to get hold of my friend - she wasn't answering her work number or her mobile so I was asking BF to call the number of anyone I knew who worked nearby.  Finally got hold of her and said we'd meet her at the hospital.  The ambulance arrived and had a look and agreed it would be a trip to the hospital - there was a huge chunk out of his forehead (I swore I could see his skull) as well as some superficial grazes near the side of his eye. 

I got in the ambulance and so did his sister.  I left my two girls at home with BF (I was so glad he had today off work!!).  When we got to the hospital, his mum was waiting for us - and I've got to admit I was glad to hand over the reins to her.  She asked her daughter to wait with me in the waiting room.  Her daughter was so reluctant to do so, but eventually agreed to come with me to call her dad as long as we went back to her brother after.  We did exactly that, but by the time we went back, he'd been moved elsewhere.  As we didn't know where, I took her back into the waiting room.   Poor little thing, she was getting so distressed at being away from her brother.  Eventually her dad arrived, but even that didn't help.  She just wanted to be with her brother.

Not long after, BF and my girls arrived and took me home.  Later tonight I heard from his mother.  He's chirpy and happy now - and when his sister got to see him, she was a lot better too.  He had a number of stitches - and in a zig zag shape so his dad dubbed him as having a "Harry Potter scar".  But no sign of concussion or other issues, though they'll be keeping an eye on him.  Apparently once he was stitched up, he wanted to come back to my place to play!  So at least he doesn't seem traumatised in that way.

My girls aren't quite as lucky.  My eldest has had trouble going to sleep tonight cause she said she keeps seeing him falling and all the blood when she closes her eyes.  I've had her listening to CDs so I'm hoping that will distract her enough to go to sleep.   My youngest hasn't said anything directly to me about it, but has been difficult to get her to stay in bed tonight. 

As for me, I've been feeling pretty shaky to say the least.  I keep discovering blood on various articles (such as on the sleeve of my shirt) that I hadn't noticed before.  BF has been helping out tonight which I've been very grateful for.  I hope I sleep well tonight.  I'm going to need it.

I just realised after the girls were already settled in bed that today is their dad's 30th birthday.  I had meant to get them to give him a phone call, but with all the other trauma, I completely forgot about it.  I hope he doesn't mind too much.  Hopefully he'll be having too much fun and it will have slipped his mind that we didn't call.

On the positive side, I finished my last exam for the semester yesterday, so that's pretty cool.  Now I've got just over 3 weeks off from uni.

My computer power cord is completely broken and the batteries dead so I can't use my computer to get online at the moment. I miss it!  BF is trying to get me a replacement part, but we're having trouble as it looks like its been discontinued.  I really hope we find one!  I like my own computer with my own savings and settings...

My daughter had wanted a "snake" party.  So I had the kids do a "snake hunt" where they had to find all these rubber snakes I'd hidden in the yard.  Then we played "musical snakes", where all the rubber snakes were in the middle and when the music stopped everyone would have to grab a snake, but there would be one left out.  And then after each round I'd take another snake away (like musical chairs).  And "pin the tail on the snake" and I also made a "snake cake".  I'll try and upload a picture when I finally get my computer working again (I'm on BF's computer at the moment).

As far as uni goes, I've got one major model to do that's due on Tuesday, and then an exam on the 24th, which is reasonably simple, and then that's it for the semester which is good.  I also found out officially last week that I'm doing  higher duties at work for 7 weeks, starting Monday week.  So that's a good thing too, but I just have to get stuff sorted out this week before I leave for this other job.  Then when I get back from higher duties, they're putting me in charge of a larger section (no pay rise for that unfortunately) so that will be an interesting change of scenery.

Got my wedding shoes in the mail on Thursday morning.  They're white with silver diamante buckles, strappy, and have 4-inch stiletto heels (BF is more than a foot taller than me, so I could go on pointe for the wedding if I wanted and still be shorter than him!!).  I had a go walking in them and realised I was going to need some practice.  It's been ages since I wore stilettos. 

Definitely in a better frame of mind as I've gotten past this birthday party - I think that's been the main cause of my stress.  All the other stuff I've been planning for and had worked into a schedule.  Hosting a kid's birthday party is out of the ordinary and just on top of everything else - which is full enough at this time of year.  The good thing is that I got my house really clean and tidy, and I just feel so much more relaxed when my house is that way.

Can anyone living in Adelaide, or familiar with Adelaide, suggest anywhere appropriate?  I figured that with Minti being such a marvellous network, someone out there might just be able to suggest the perfect place.

I went in and it was the cleanest I've ever seen it - mind you, that's not saying much.  There was still dirt in all the corners, dirty spots on the kitchen floor, sticky stuff on the bench, rivulets of stuff down the kitchen doors.  But he had definitely made a huge effort from where it was.  When I walked into the toilet, though, it was stained brown and there were dirt and hair I could see around the rim.  At that point I said the toilet needed to be cleaner and offered to do it myself.  At that point he went off his dial and started screaming at me that this was all about me and my issues that I need to have everything done to my standard and how I was trying to control him  and I had threatened him in doing this and how it was his life and I had no right to tell him how to live his life etc. etc.  After some argument, he refused to clean the toilet or allow me to do it so I said "Fine, then the kids won't come." And I stormed out and slammed the door.

I drove away, but didn't really want to leave it like that.  I called him from the car.  At first he was still just screaming.  So I hung up.  A bit later I called back and he'd calmed down a bit.  I managed to talk to him a bit and eventually went back around.  We managed to talk more calmly when I went back, but I honestly don't think he took any responsibility for it.  He kept saying it wasn't that bad, it was just my issue.  And kept saying "the kids aren't dead".  Why do they have to be dead for it to be a problem?! 

By the end I managed to talk him into letting me clean the toilet (my god!  Who needs to be talked into allowing someone else to clean your toilet!!) and I dropped the kids off after lunch.  I agreed that I would not threaten him anymore.  So I've decided if he doesn't keep it clean now, then I'll just go straight to DoCS (or whatever they're called now) and let them make a decision.  I won't bother giving him any warning or chances cause that would be threatening him.  So I'll just take action when it's necessary.

I'm feeling pretty emotionally battered right now.  And we have no chocolate in the house!  Any diet is just straight out the window at the moment... 

I tried to get hold of him earlier in the week, but with one thing and another I didn't speak to him til this afternoon.  I told him that I'd spoken to him about my concerns about a month ago and since then he had insisted on dropping the kids off so I had no idea if he'd done anything about it, but when I saw his place last Sunday it was still really bad.  I said if he could clean it by Sunday and let me see to be sure, then he could have the girls on Sunday as normal.  But if not , he could certainly see the girls but not have them overnight in that house. 

He went off his dial. He attacked me on so many levels and was just so horrible.  The one thing he didn't do was actually take responsibility for himself.   After we finished the main part of the talk, he said he needed to tell me that when he went to the hairdresser this week, they discovered he had lice.  Now, I know that the cleanest of houses can have lice, but it really seemed to prove my point!  Especially as the kids don't have it (both Mum and I checked them today to be sure).  However, he seems to be willing to make the effort with the house since it if he didn't I wouldn't allow the kids to visit.  He's agreed (after all the crap) to let me come around to check the place out on Sunday morning. 

The talk really threw me.  Despite the fact I know that he's only pulling this crap because of his own issues and his own insecurities, it still left with all these doubts about whether I was a good mother and whether I was doing the right thing for the kids.  My mum and I don't often see eye-to-eye, but she has also witnessed the state of his house and was concerned about how bad it was.  She said she's even had the opportunity to speak to some of his friends and they've also made comment on how dirty it was.  After speaking to ex, his comments made me so insecure about whether I was no better than he was and whether I was expecting something completely beyond what was reasonable from him.  But Mum assured me that although my house may get messy with the kids around, it is never dirty the way ex's is.  That's quite a statement from my mum as she has always seemed to take ex's side in everything else.

Anyway, I've been thinking that when I go round on Sunday to check the place, I might take cleaning gear with me and do the rest of the job cause I know the kids would be so disappointed if they didn't get to see their dad.  I'm really not interested in keeping him away from the kids.  I just want the kids to be in a safe and healthy  environment.  I just really hate having to go through this to make it happen.  The whole thing just makes me feel physically ill.

Been trying to work on some of other weaknesses too, like trying not to be late and being more focussed and productive at work. 

Gotta pick my girls up in an hour.  I confronted my ex about a month ago over the filthy state of his house and the effect it was having on the girl's health.  Since then, he's conveniently dropped the girls off and picked them up since. This week he offered to drop them off again, but I insisted I pick them up.  I'm a bit nervous because if he still hasn't taken any action to clean up his act - so to speak - then I'm going to have to do something more drastic.  I'm not sure what that is, but I have to do something. I just really hope he's listened and is doing something to look after the kids.

I thought about what I'd do if I realised I was addicted to something like cigarettes or alcohol.  And I thought I would go cold turkey and give it up.  So that's what I've decided to do.  Starting yesterday I am giving up chocolate, lollies and desserts.  I told BF what I was doing and he asked how long I planned on giving them up for.  I told him until I didn't feel like I needed them anymore.

As of today I have had 2 sugarless days.  I've noticed a real pattern as to when I'm craving sweets - it's after meals and also late at night.  I'm trying to eat good food but I figure my main focus right now is just breaking the sweet habit.  When that's done, I can concentrate more on what else I'm eating.  Fingers crossed this will help.

I just really hope he doesn't treat this new person like he did me.  I really hope he'd learned some lessons and is a better person...  I feel concerned that he may not...