I had a weird feeling from the start about it, with the late BFP (positive preg test), no symptons etc. But you know, I was thinking positive and telling myself it was all going to be fine.

Yesterday morning when it all started happening, it was just heartbreaking. It hit me so hard. Poor Isabella couldn’t understand why I was so upset, it broke my heart seeing her so worried and going up to Michael, saying "Mummy cwy-ing".

Its been a lot different to the last little angel baby we lost. This time it seems I’m having a complete miscarriage rather than a missed miscarriage. My body isn’t holding onto it this time, so I won’t be needing a d&c at this stage. But then again, its more graphic I guess this way. It isn’t easy, either way.

I didn’t end up having to go to hospital yesterday morning, thank God. (The emergency procedure at the hospital last time was such an awful experience, it really prolonged it.) Yesterday I had a scan, followed by a blood test, then spoke to my Dr on the phone this afternoon. She confirmed my hCG had dropped since my b/t last week & there was no sac.

I rang my Mum to tell her what had happened. So nice of her to say "better it happen now than later" and considerately reminded me of a family friend who’d lost a child at a day old and that they’ve never gotten over that. She then asked me if I’d seen the new photos of my cousin’s baby girl and started raving on again about her and her partner’s new job. Such a heartfelt person my Mum.

Thank God I am not like my MUM!!!

I rang and told Dad last night. He was completely different, in tears on & off, and I’m sure he shed a few more when he got off the phone.

Emotions ran high between Michael and I yesterday, and we said things that upset each other, but otherwise we are helping each other get through this.

Isabella, my little shining ray of light... Oh I feel even more fortunate now to have such a beautiful little princess in our lives. She truly has lifted me through this.

I just can’t believe it, its all extremely gutrenching, yet very surreal. On Sunday I was pregnant, today I’m not. :(

May our two little baby angels be holding hands in heaven, watching over us.

Ky *;-)

I am a HUGE Newcastle Knights supporter and just wanted to celebrate tonight's win in here with you all!  (Whether you be a Knights supporter or not...) We may not have played the best team in the comp tonight and we got off to shaky start, but we finished strong and I'm proud of my blue and red boys. Go you mighty Knights in 2008!

Who do you all support?!

Ky *;-)

Thought I better pop in here and say HI to you all! I hope you and your families are well. :)

My last blog, I was a bit down about how Dad sounded on the phone. But I’m happy to report he sounds much better now! He’s been keeping in contact and we’re backing to chatting at least twice a week like we use to. I think when I spoke to him that day he sounded awful, I think he was drunk. He probably is still drinking heavily like he’s done all his life, but now we talk at a set time every week, so I think he stays sober for that, thankfully. Otherwise I think he’s taking reasonable care of himself and sounds like he’s working hard at his job, so he’s getting back on track.

We got a new dog a few weeks ago! His name’s Cisco and he’s a Kelpie X Pomeranian. He’s 9mths old and we got him from Animal Welfare. A shy dog to start with but he’s built up his confidence now. He was scared of Isabella at first! Maybe his previous owners had young kids that freaked him out. But he’s good with Isabella now and of course I never leave them alone together. I’ll attach a photo of him to this blog.

All else is good. Michael and I have improved our relationship, well sort of lol. I’m a lot happier with it anyway.

My brother’s in Dubai DJ’ing on a cruise ship. He’s been over there for about 5wks or so. Going to get his contact number and ring him this week. Haven’t spoken to him in a while. Spoke to Mum tonight and she said he’s doing well over there.

Can’t wait for the footy to start FRI NIGHT, YEEHA! GO U KNIGHTS!

Here’s a photo of my gorgeous girl, wearing her beanie the other day when it was 32degree! LOL.

Have a great rest of the weekend, Ky *;-)

Isabella

Cisco

I was walking out the door to the gym when Michael picked up the phone, he mouthed to me it was Dad. I'm glad he said I wasn't here, coz I think I would have abused him! I was shocked and upset all at once, but relieved too. Then Dad rang again later that night, I spoke to him and broke down in tears. It was either cry or let loose on him! Glad now that I just cried. But I will tell him, when he next rings, just exactly how upset I was, coz all he had to do was call and say he was ok. He said he will ring us again this weekend. I hope he keeps in contact now.

Missing Persons in WA hadn't even contacted Dad yet, so this is Dad just deciding to ring us now. Missing Persons are still going to go and make contact with him to conclude the case, I hope Dad doesn't flip out when the cops rock up to wherever he's stayin at! Well Michael told him to expect it, so hopefully all will be ok. So thank God my prayers have been answered, and hopefully Dad will stay in contact with us now.

Thank-you all again for your support, sorry I've been slack at getting back in here again lately, but had to share with you all the news.

Love Ky xo

Just a quick blog to say G'DAY and hope you're all well! Its my B'day and chattin to the wonderful Miss Cazza in MSN right now. She's a lucky one chattin to me, hehe. I've had 3 beers and talkin silly stuff, lol. Oh dear. Had a good Bday, spent it with my beautiful daughter, I couldn't ask for much more. Missing Persons Unit NSW are still waiting to hear back from MPU WA about Dad, hopefully soon they can confirm its him. Michael and I are doing better, I know I haven't talked about it much since I last blogged about it when I was up in Qld having that time away from him, but yeah I guess its going better, but taking it day by day.

Luv to you all, back soon, Ky xo

Just wanted to let you all know, I just got a call from the Constable at the MPU and it seems like they've found my Dad. She couldn’t tell me his exact whereabouts yet as they haven’t gone to the address to confirm its him, but they will be doing that in the next few days. She pretty much told me he is in WA.

She also can’t tell me where he is if he doesn’t want us to know his whereabouts. I guess I’ll have to respect that wish for now, but hopefully he will want to speak to me in the near future. The whole thing breaks my heart really, but hopefully he will agree to at least let us know himself that he’s doing ok. The constable told me to expect to hear from her within the next 3days to confirm everything. Fingers crossed. :pray:

So I'm praying that this is it and they've found him and he's ok. It will be hard if he doesn't want any further contact with us... Really hard. But I hope he does at least contact me every now and again from now on, just to let us know he's ok. Its been gutrenchingly awful just not knowing up to this point whether he's been alive or not.

Will let you all know as soon as I get the next call from the Constable.

Thanks again for all your messages of support! Hugs to you all, Ky *;-)

We could be very close to finding my Dad.

When I was away last week, mail arrived for him. It was from a superannuation company welcoming him as a member. So I instantly realised it possibly meant he’s started a new job somewhere. But it didn’t give any information on his employer or work status though.

I rang the local police yesterday and gave them the information. Then today I decided to ring the Super company myself, realising they couldn’t give me all the info, but hopefully the could at least confirm that this meant he had started a job somewhere.

So I rang and spoke to a friendly woman who confirmed she couldn’t give me all the private info, and I said I understood, I was just wanting to know that this info meant he’d started a new job. She went on and pretty much confirmed what I’d said, while I’m silently breaking down. Then she went on to apologise that she couldn’t give me the info and I just burst into tears and sobbed "That’s ok, its just good to know he’s alive". She was really sorry and apologised again and said she hoped that by giving the info to the police it would help me find him.

So I found the direct number for the constable @ the MPU (Missing Persons Unit) handling Dad’s case and gave her the info too. She said it could mean he’s working in the local area, since he’s given our address to a employer/super company. She also said his name had been spelt incorrectly by the officers taking the initial MP report and it had been spelt incorrectly at Centrelink too, and I realised it was spelt wrong on the super info too. This was why they hadn't concluded following up whether or not he'd used his bank account yet etc. So whether people have taken down his name wrong or Dad’s done it intentionally (the constable called it ‘he could be playing silly bugga’s’).. I don’t know. But I think the latter.

Obviously Dad doesn’t want us to know where he is. Why couldn’t he just ring and tell us he’s ok?! It will break my heart if the constable rings me back on Friday and tells me he’s alive and well and has a job, but doesn’t want to be found. But its a possibility. But then what if he wants to see us again and I realise I’m too hurt and angry to see him?! Why has he done this?! Does he think because I couldn’t financially help him when he needed it, that that’s a good enough reason to cut me off and think I don’t want to see him again?! I knew he was depressed when he stayed with us and he could still be deep in a hole and not thinking straight...

Well I just have to wait til the constable calls me now. Right now going through various emotions, feeling numb, upset, hurt, angry, confused. Will take it day by day until its concluded.

Will let you know how it all ends. Kylie

Yesterday was such a stressful day. Isabella was very unsettled, refused her day sleep etc. Mum took out her stress from work on me. Everything was piling on top of me, i.e. my comment in my last blog, lol. What a trajic! ;)

On the positve side, my partner is communicating a lot better to me on the phone since we've been here. As long as these positive steps continue when we're back, we might have a chance of saving our relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to use the next four days as best I can to take more time out for myself, clear my head, so I can return home with the strength and resolve I need. I want to be open to what my partner suggests to me to help improve our relationship too I guess, hopefully we can work together and make it happen.

Hugs to you all, have a good day, Ky *;-)

Well... Isabella and I are in Qld. I'm staying with my Mum and her partner. I had to get away from my partner for a week...

Our relationship and family life is in dire need of improving. I'm sick of sitting by and having him not contributing to our relationship and us as a family. He never wants to communicate, all he wants to do is watch TV, go to bed late, sleep-in, never joins us on family outings (visiting Sandra and her family was suppose to be a family outing, Isabella and I went alone), he is never nice to me, always moody and abrupt and treats me with little respect, no affection, he's never open with me about anything, we've never had a real chat since we lost our baby through miscarriage and my Dad has been missing for 2.5mths and all he's said is "we hope for the best and prepare for the worst". Other than that he won't talk to me about it, doesn't want to listen. I have no support from him whatsoever.

He's never responsible for money, we have no savings whatsoever and we are nearly always behind on rent and bills, he's jacked up a credit card debt that was suppose to be a credit card for work...

I could go on. He has another problem which I won't delve into now. He went psycho at me on the phone when I told him he has a problem. Things have just gotten to breakin point for me, I had to get away.

So up here til SUN, and hoping its enough time to make a decision about what we can do to get things on track and hopefully save our relationship.  But he would have to drastically change his ways for this to happen.

I've just typed this all so fast, haven't proof read. Got to go, Isabella is here and promised we'd go over to the beach and park this morning. So I will bid you good-bye for now, I will keep in touch through the week.

Hugs, Ky *;-)

Today Sandra and her family were kind enough to welcome us into their home (and a beautiful one it is), hosting a wonderful day! Upon Isabella and I arriving there, Lui sent Sandra a message saying she was only just leaving, SLACK! Haha. That’s fine, I had Sandra all to myself for a couple of hours lol. Isabella partied the house down with Ryan and Ashlei, playing "trains", watching Dora (when they had time to glance at it!) and raiding Ryan and Ashlei’s toybox. Then, just as the sun was setting (haha!), Lui, Scuba Steve and Jaydee arrived. It didn’t take Master Jaydee long to warm to everyone and involve himself in everything going on. The kids had a ball while us ladies had a lovely catch-up. Isabella lead the squealing while Brendan (Sandra’s eldest son) blew bubbles for the kids, before we all tucked into an awesome feast, which I can’t claim any credit for except the devouring part! (You two owe our place a ‘trashing’ when you visit ok). But Sandra and Lui, I’m sure you were more than happy that I left thay "hyper" bag of treats for the kids after I left, hehe. Well I could have given it to them as soon as we got there, then for how long do you think all the squealing would have lasted!? Lol. (Sandra & Lui, I hope you two can help fill in the rest of the day for me, its been a big day and my brain is fuzzed.)

Sandra and Lui, you both have gorgeous families! Nice to meet Scuba Steve, and Sandra your oldest two (plus partners) are just as lovely as your babies. :)

We have some photos to prove how awesome the day was.

Isabella, Ashlei & Ryan waiting for their "snacks!" ("Sacks" as Isabella called it.)

Isabella driving the 'train' for Ryan and Ashlei.

Brendan blowing bubbles for the youngins. They were all squealing the place down while chasing em!

Jaydee, Isabella and Ryan sawing into Scuba Steve! (As you can see by his 'missing fingers'.)

Sexy Sandra, Luscious Lui and Kinky Ky! (Lol, why not.)

Naughty Scuba Steve goes "check-your bra straps!" But as you can see, the smart one of the three of us wasn't fooled. (hehe ;)

Hope you all like the photos! (Hope there's enough here for you Emz! Hugs xo)

Kylie *;-)

I hope you all have had a great week and have a noice weekend planned!

Don't mind me, I'm just going through all my advice articles here at the moment and making sure I've replied to everyone's comments! Some were made 8mths ago, lol sorry! Better late than never. :D

Meeting up with the awesome Lui and Sandra again tomorrow, so will be back to post photos for you all!

Kylie *;-)

On 1st December, I met up with Lui (llmunchkin) and Sandra (hermy). It was awesome finally meeting these two lovely Minti ladies in person! I am long overdue in posting these photos from our meet-up but here they are:

My darlin Isabella and the gorgeous Ashlei (Sandra'sdaughter).

Isabella in between two spunks - Ryan (on the left, Sandra's son) and Jaydee (Lui's son).

We had such a lovely time meeting up at the park, despite the weather! Can't wait to see you guys again.

I have been going ok here. We had a lovely Xmas together, a nice quiet day at home while Isabella played on her new swings and slide set. She got thorougly spoiled and enjoyed her 3rd Xmas. She understood about Santa this year, but refused to go near him for a Santa photo! Next year she'll be ok, I keep saying, lol.

Our New Yrs was good too, we had a nice time with friends. Went out to dinner with them, then back to their place and put the kids 'to bed' (more like Isabella was awake til 1:30am!) while we had a few drinks.

My sad news is... On December 7th I reported my Dad to Missing Persons. He stayed with us in November for a week before embarking on a drive by himself across to WA. He was very depressed when he stayed with us and I said to Michael (my partner) "I have a bad feeling about him going. I don't think he's mentally stable enough to go." Its been nearly 8wks since we've heard from him.  I was trying to be optimistic that if he contacted us he would have done so over Xmas. But sadly, this was my first Xmas without him. My gut feeling says he's not ok... Its just awful not knowing where he is and if this is the case. I'm just hoping the worst hasn't happened, or he's done something to himself. He left his job in Qld due to having dust on his lungs and wanted to get away from everything. I think he still isn't over his and Mum's divorce, a combination of things were getting to him I think. Still he didn't have to just leave. I'm up and down with my emotions about it all the time. Its like I've already lost him...

I hope I've written that all clearly. Its just such an emotional thing for me right now, as I'm close to my Dad, and for him to not be in contact like this isn't right.

Otherwise Isabella, Michael and I well, and hoping 2008 is a good year for us.

We are still trying for another baby. I'm now into my fourth cycle since I miscarried. I really thought I was going to fall pregnant straight away again since I fell preg very quickly with Isabella and fell on the 2nd month of trying with Baby Angel. So not ending the year being pregnant was very hard. Hoping we are blessed with another baby very soon.

Ok before I keep going with this novel, I will sign off here. Hope 2008 is going well for all of you so far!

Huge hugs, catch up again soon, Ky *;-)

I have been the slackest Minti member EVER lately! No blog or proper replies to anyone for weeks and weeks.. 2mths going by my last blog entry! MIA big time. So I'm sorry I haven't replied to everyone who has left me beautiful messages in my lounge and contacted me through here lately. Just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you all and hope you can forgive me!

I met up with the wonderful Sandra and her hubby, and Lui, and their gorgeous kids of course, on Saturday! It was awesome to finally met up with these beautiful ladies, turning our online friendship into something more. I had such a great time and am blessed to know such wonderful people. You two ladies are amazing and I can't wait to see you again soon!

I realised I didn't take any photos of us girls, but took a few of the kids, yes two turned out Sandra so I will come back and post them soon!

Alright must go, but had to stop in and say HI!

Luv Ky xo

I will reply to all of your lovely messages soon.

Luv Ky xo

I’m still finding it hard to deal with. Though I have a taken a fair bit of time out to grieve, which has helped me a lot. I have been crying every day, saying a lot of prayers and sending all the love I can to our little Baby Angel. I hope our Angel is resting in a happy place. Still, I oh-so wish our little darlin was still here alive and healthy, growing in my belly.

It doesn’t make it any easier not having all your questions answered. The first things you ask are "Why has this happened?! What did I do wrong?!?!" And of course the medical staff tell you "You did nothing wrong and it’s something you couldn’t prevent happening." They dish out all the facts, like ‘20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage’ etc, but nothing gives you comfort.

My ordeal dragged on for five days, not helped by lack of specialists & equipment available at my Dr’s surgery and local hospital. For eg, I was told "Sorry, we don’t do ultrasounds after 4pm."

"Oh, well can you check my baby’s heartbeat?"

"Sorry, we don’t have the equipment available."

This is at a major public hospital. It was found out the next day our baby hadn’t been alive for a number of weeks. But still, not being able to find this out straight away added to the heartbreak.

I made a beaded bracelet in honour of our Baby Angel. It includes several clear, sparkly beads which shine in the sunlight, and then one bright star in the middle, which also shines in the dark. So every time I look into the sky and see the brightest star shining, I know its our Baby Angel looking down at us.

I’m hoping the pain will ease with time. But this is something that I will never forget.

Thank-you all once again. I hope soon I can come back in here and catch up with your all properly. My apologies I haven't replied to you all personally yet.  I will endeavour to as soon as I can.

Take care, luv Kylie xo

I’m crying right now again after reading all your wonderful messages. Isabella also kissed my belly and said bye to bubby this morning, that was a very hard moment.

I haven’t found comfort in finding out 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that nearly all miscarriages are not preventable and it wasn’t anything I did wrong that caused it to happen.

After seeing my Dr yesterday, I was told to fast from 9pm last night in case I could be given a general anaesthetic & have the Dilation & Curet (operation to remove what’s remaining) this morning. After being in hospital over 5 hrs today and being without food & water for 16hours (I had a drip), I was told they couldn’t fit me in today. I’m sorry to complain, but its been a long, drawn out process so far. I’ve been told to go back to the hospital tomorrow at 7am, hopefully I’ll have the D&C within a few hours of getting there. I had the option of not having it and letting nature take its course, but I opted with the D&C as for me it will be closure.

Thank-you again for your prayers and support, I will catch up with you all soon.

Luv Kylie xo

We lost the baby.  I am utterly heartbroken and devastated. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat, no live baby. I knew as soon as I looked up onto the screen.. All I could see was an empty sac. It rocked me to the core...

We then went to see my Dr. She said it looks like the foetus stopped growing around 6wks 2 days. Those dates must have been slightly off as my ultrasound at 6wks 3 days showed our little baby alive and well. I've had whats called a missed abortion as there is still a foetus in there and the sac is there. So tomorrow morning I go into the hospital to have a curet - where the remains are removed.

Thank-you once again for all your lovely well wishes and prayers. I am blessed to know such wonderful people! Your support has blown me away.

I will come back in when I'm up to it to let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Thank-you once again, luv Ky xo

Just thought I’d write another blog since I’m so erratically on here lately, just quickly do a catch up.

Us three are going pretty good! Isabella is great. She’s coming out with 3 word sentences a lot now – "Stop it Mummy!", "Come on Daddy!" etc. She still loves going to playgroup every week and has made a lot of friends at the creche at the leisure centre (where I go to the gym). I've been taking her swimming every week again too. She's enjoying it now that the weather's getting a bit warmer.

I met up with two other fitness instructors today. We are going to start instructing pregnancy fitness classes at our gym, I’m really excited about it! Its a great way for me to keep my foot in the door of the fitness industry while I’m pregnant, and of course it will be another way I can keep fit while I’m pregnant, and pass on my encouragement to other pregnant women!

I had a scare this morning... I woke up and found blood on my pants. I instantly thought the worst. It was brown and there wasn’t too much of it, so I’m hoping nothing is wrong with the baby. I’ve had spotting all day since then. I know its common for women to have spotting while pregnant, its just scary when I’ve never had spotting/bleeding during pregnancy before. I wonder if it has anything to do with the subchorionic haematoma I have on my right ovary... (I looked up what a subchorionic haematoma is, from what I can gather its a clotted mass of blood that can come up on your ovaries during pregnancy). I’m going to see my Dr in an hour, hopefully she’ll have some answers for me. I’m trying to think positive! But I can’t help being worried at the same time.

I’ve got more homework to to do for TAFE for tomorrow night to! Always endless things to do!

I know its not Foto Friday but have to share these photos I took of Isabella a week or so ago – she’s wearing her Dora dress. The only way I could get her to keep still was to tell her we were taking the photos to send to Dora, lol!

Have a wonderful week everyone! Ky *