I’m really worried. I wish we were closer… I kept telling her to move - only half joking. I mean,
I want Ellie to be able to see my family often and now this…

Ellie’s doing great. Today is the first time she’s slept for more than half an hour in the day! So
exciting going to bed during the day and night is going so much better, too.

Yesterday she reached the three month mark. She’s looking sooo old and she’s got such a cheeky
personality.

We’re on the midst of planning all our Christmas pressies, I am so excited about some of them!!
We plan to go to Bathurst on the 15th of December for the weekend to have an early Christmas
with my family and my dad’s parents. I’m thrilled to have a date, I can’t wait for my brother and grandparents to finally see Ellie for the first time.

I should go and do something while Ellie’s asleep. Before I go, I have been directed to
www.freerice.com by a friend. It’s a site where you are given a word and you guess what that word means, for every word you get right they donate 10 grains of rice through the UN. IF you have some spare time why not got check it out!

We were playing in her room when she caught sight of her toys off to the side, which were much more interesting than Mummy and her silly noises, thankyou very much! She started wriggling and trying to get to them, she was kind of moving around rather than foward, then suddenly over she went!!

I put her back where she was for her to do it again and she started her wriggling and
grunting in concentration. It was taking some time, she was getting frustrated and whingy
and I was about to pick her up when she did it again, this time I got it on video to show Daddy!!

I’m so proud of her. It seems I am going to her Milestones page every other day to highlight
something new. I can’t believe how much she’s doing. In the last week or so she’s really started to
get interested in her toys, too. It’s too cute to watch her squeezing them, talking to them and looking lovingly at them.

It’s amazing to look at her and see her taking everything in. James and I are becoming more aware of what we’re doing and how we’re doing it because we can tell she’s picking up so much from us and her surroundings. At least she’ll be into cooking and cleaning - she always ‘helps’ me with dinner and making the beds

The Brauer’s Colic Relief we bought has been great - I know just how well it was working now
that we’ve run out and are still waiting on the replacement to come… We’re back to having trouble settling her at night and in the day she’ll only sleep for a decent amount of time if I am holding her whereas I was able to put her in her cot for all her sleeps once we’d started on the medicine and she was much easier to settle. She’s not nearly as bad as she was  a few weeks ago and hopefully our package will arrive before
we get to that.

Anyway, I have finally got her to sleep without having to hold her so I am going to have some lunch, I am sooo hungry.

Oh, before I go, I have put in a Guestbook, I’d love to know who out there is reading here, what you think, if you find my blog interesting and if you have anything you’d like me to address in future entries.

How time is flying, I was looking through some photos of when Ellie was born and she was sooo tiny! Now she’s such a big girl, she’s filled out her clothes nicely and is ready to be on the move! She loves to stand and sit with our help and has great head control. I watch her when she’s having her tummy time and she really looks like she wants to crawl so bad. I love watching her develop and can’t wait for her to crawl - though once she is I am sure I will be wishing for her to stay still!!

We had a shocker of a night last night, possibly because she came down with a gunky eye yesterday. Today it’s looking heaps better and she’s having a nice long nap.

The medicine we got her, Brauer Colic Relief, seems to be doing a good job. She does get a little windy sometimes but she hasn’t had another crying episode like she had at the worst of it.

I can’t really remember what life was like before Ellie, it’s like she’s been a part of everything forever. I knew I would love her and think she was beautiful but nothing can really prepare you for how much you really do love a baby, I don’t think I have ever seen anything as beautiful as my daughter. I’m sure all parents feel like this, but my girl’s the prettiest

I sometimes wonder if you can love a second child as much as your first. I am sure you can, but when I look at Ellie I am so filled with love, joy and pride I can’t really imagine how you can feel all that again. Do people feel guilty when they have a second baby? Guilty that they’re not going to have as much time with the first as you have been having? Guilty that the second won’t get the same attention the first one did?  That’s what I worry about when it comes to having a second. Especially since we hope to have them close together. I don’t want Ellie or her brother or sister to miss out on attention or love.

Anyway, I should be doing something else while she’s still asleep.

This morning we put her on a blanket on the floor while we had breakfast and she entertained
herself, which is such a change, she used to cry and cry anytime I tried to eat. I cleaned the
kitchen while she chatted away to herself.

It’s funny, I have only just realised as I’ve written this that things really have gotten so much better and easier.

Well, she’s awake so this will be a short update :)

I have just added a milestones page for Ellie, which I will update as we go along. I get so proud of the little things she can do. At the moment I am really enjoying the little ‘conversations’ she has with me and she loves them, too, she thinks she’s very smart

She has been asleep for almost 5 hours now, it’s annoying that she’s doing it in the day, but I don’t want to wake her because she hasn’t been sleeping all that well since getting sick. I keep having to check she’s breathing, though.

Well, I am off to utilise more of this time by hanging more washing.

We’ve gone from her waking three times at night for a feed and going straight back to sleep or needing a quick settle afterwards to spending anywhere from 40 minutes to get her settled and staying asleep in her cot. And it’s started for her day sleeps, too. All the settling techniques I try don’t seem to work… she even cries while I am patting her and soothing her in her cot, which she hasn’t really done before, at least not to this extent. It took me over an hour to get her to sleep today and then it lasted only 20 minutes. So, now she’s in her pram - fast asleep - and I am rocking her, which is the last thing I want to be doing but it’s the only way she will sleep soundly at the moment. I was hoping to start her settling herself to sleep every sleep, so that it’s a nice transition for her without crying and distress and here I am …

The past two nights have been really tough, I have ended up in tears both times. It’s been frustrating and upsetting, especially when I am unable to sleep in the day because I have to be physically rocking her for her to sleep. To top it off I have been feeling sick for the last two days. I feel like a zombie.

There are so many ideas out there about babies sleeping and settling.  To routine, not to routine. Let them cry, don’t let them cry. The amount of advise is overwhelming and each side has a convincing argument, not to mention being adament that they are right. For a new parent it really is hard to wade through all the options.

I don’t want to use Control Crying, though yesterday I was all set to borrow ‘Save Our Sleep’ by Tizzy Hall, which is a Cry It Out technique from what I have heard/read, I was feeling so desperate. Luckily, the library wasn’t actually open. So, I have to find another viable option for Ellie, James and I. Today I am doing some searches, some research and tomorrow I am going to go to the library and get some books - assuming they have what I want.  From my searching so far I have decided to read;

* ‘Sweet Dreams’ by Dr Paul Fleiss
* ‘Attachment Parenting’ by Kate Allison Granju
* ‘Nighttime Parenting’ by Dr Sears
* ‘No Cry Sleep Solution’ by Elizabeth Pantley

I’m hoping at least one of these titles will be there. I have also written a post on one of the forums I visit and people have suggested Baby Wearing, apparently it is really good for babies with reflux not to mention the fact that I could get something done while allowing Ellie to sleep well. I will have to talk to James about it when he gets home. I’ve decided to arm myself with as much knowledge as possible and create something that works for our little family.

I keep thinking “It’ll be better for the next baby” because we will be much more prepared and better informed, which makes me feel confident that we will cope with two children, at the same time I feel bad for Ellie having to be our ‘practice’ run. But, I guess somebody had to be. If only we could have all the answers, have all the experiences before we had our children!

It was nice to have some visitors, it does get lonely here all day when Ellie’s sleeping and it’s nice to have someone else take over for a little while. Nan held her and fed her and Aunty Meredith changed her nappy and put her to bed and I got to go out for 5 minutes without a baby for the first time since the day we came home from the hospital. It was only a quick trip out for Aunty Meredith to go to the chemist and for me to get some bread but it was nice.

She put on the charm, too! Giving her great Nan big smiles and even laughing at her!!

For the past few days Ellie’s been struggling to stay asleep during the day time and her night sleeps have been barely over two hours at a time, so I am feeling tired. I think she’s having a growth spurt, so hopefully she will soon get back into a better routine.

Today she’s 6 weeks and 1 day old, I can’t believe how fast it’s gone!

We had a cat turn up at our front door last night wanting to come in, it was like it thought it lived here poor thing. This morning it was gone and I was kind of disappointed, I thought maybe Scraps could have a friend and it would keep him occupied!!

I have been invited to a cooking party plan night with some of James’s workmates, I don’t really know if I should go or not, I’m leading towards not because James asked them if I could take Ellie and I figure if I am going to spend the night looking after her anyway I may as well do it in the comfort of my own home. I think if I wanted to go it would be for a night without the baby and I guess I feel like him asking if she could go means he would prefer not to have her.

For now I would just like to have a shower on my own or something along those lines. Something simple.

Anyway, she’s awake again - I don’t know why she won’t stay asleep in the afternoons. I put her down and she’s awake again in 5-10 minutes but if I pick her up she’s out like a light!! It gets quite frustrating because I know she needs to sleep.

I don’t know when I’ll get more ‘coz now she’s grumpy as. She’s been having trouble going to sleep this afternoon, she’ll doze off, but then something will wake her - mostly it’s Scraps deciding that right then is a great time to bark. He’s really driving me mad. Admitedly, his barking has gotten better lately, it’s just that he picks the wrong times to go off. It’s almost as if he waits until I am feeding her, changing her, just got her off to sleep or when I am about to go to sleep myself. It’s really getting on my nerves right now.

Well, I’d best get some dinner on.

I was feeling good and, while looking at my beautiful sleeping girl I thought that maybe I would be able to do all this over again, that there was hope that Ellie wouldn’t be a spoilt only child. Today, however, that hope is quite a bit dimmer!

Last night was a shocker. Ellie didn’t want to go to sleep when I put her down for the night, it took awhile to get her settled. Her first sleep was three hours, which was fine. Once she was fed and changed, though, our problems began! I put her to bed and she grizzled for awhile before falling asleep, so I went to bed. I was just dozing off when she started crying in pain. I spent almost an hour comforting and settling her, got an hours sleep then had to do it all again.

I don’t know if the fact that she’s got wind again is because I missed a dose of Infacol or if we just got lucky when we started on it.

I’m thinking I would prefer many average nights over a good night, bad night cycle.

I can’t believe she’s going to be 4 weeks old tomorrow!! She’s getting so big!

I have to go to the dentist tonight… I got a bad tooth ache yesterday when I broke my tooth pretty bad Ouchies. Dentists scare me.

We didn’t give her a bath or shower yesterday, so I am wondering if that’s one of the reasons things were so difficult last night. I just wish she could tell me why she’s crying!

Scraps has been barking today, but this time he actually had a reason. There’s a blue tongue lizard in our yard and he’s not sure about it. He wanted to go up to it but he was scared so he was barking his head off and every time he went closer to it from behind, it would do this weird jump to face him, flatten it’s body and hiss at him

I have a headache and a tummy ache. I can’t wait for this magic settling down everyone keeps going on about!

I’m so glad it’s Friday, that James will be staying home with me tomorrow. I’m really missing the time we used to have, the talks we used to have in bed at night and the cuddles we would have in the morning.

Right now she’s being a bit clingy and whingy, but that’s okay. She’s very spewy today, it seems she’s throwing up every 5 minutes and it seems to be alot of vomit.

I worry that I am not giving her enough stimulation when she’s awake. Her most wakeful time is when I am making dinner and if, like last night, James is late then I put her in her rocker but I worry that she’s not getting enough to help her grow and develop mentally.

I’m feeling pretty sick I don’t know why. I feel like I want to vomit. It’s pretty taxing to look after Ellie when I am feeling like this and it’s hard to get the rest to feel better especially when she’s being so demanding. I don’t think she’s feeling great either.

Time passed and nothing much else happened. I was so tired. The doctor arrived in the evening to check how things were going and broke my waters, which made my contractions so much worse. Then he told us we had two options, a caesar or have a drip and see how labour goes, with the very real possibility of having to have an emergency caesar the next morning.

James and I talked it over and decided to go ahead with the caesar as an emergency caesar would be much more traumatic for both Ellie and I. I was upset in the moments leading up to our decision. I had not wanted to have to take this road, I was exhausted and scared but as the midwife got me ready with tight white ’socks’ and a hospital gown I began to feel calm.

The theater staff were wonderful, holding my hands and talking to my while I had a spinal put in which happened to coincide with the last contraction I would feel. I was laid on the table and a sheet was put up between my neck and my body and I started to worry as James still hadn’t been brought in and I could feel the Doctor tugging. Before I could get too nervous, James arrived, all decked out like a doctor.

It was a strange experience, nothing hurt but I could feel tugging and pulling. Eventually, there was a cry and I knew my baby girl was okay. I was so relieved and overwhelmed. I looked at James and he had tears in his eyes, at that moment I knew I should never have been worried about him bonding with her. They took her, cleaned her and had James cut the cord then wrapped her and gave her to him. He looked so proud. I watched him with her while the doctor fixed me up. It was over so quick!

Once I was stitched up I was taken to recovery where I got to hold her for a moment before James and the midwife went and took her up to maternity to be checked, weighed and dressed. I was a little bit distressed when they left me there, especially after such a short hold of my precious baby girl.

For the first few days it was tough, I was confined to the bed and was unable to do much more than feed her. It was good that James was so into looking after her, that he was so besotted by her from the very first moment he saw her. At the same time I felt distressed that I couldn’t get up and do anything for her, especially when everyone else left at night and it was just me and her.

I really disliked being in the hospital, I hated the nights and early mornings alone. I found that when I did need a midwife and buzzed them they were often with the people either side of my room as they had babies that seemed to cry all the time and my calls would either go unanswered, bring a nurse who wasn’t from the maternity ward and couldn’t really help or brought a midwife who would “Be right back.” but never managed to come back.

Every morning I would intently watch the clock and wait for James or mum to turn up and every morning it seemed to be later when they eventually turned up, which I found very upsetting.

By the time I left I was so ready to go!!

Now, we’re two weeks, two days down the track. I’m tired, the house is a mess and every single day is different from the one before. For the most part, Ellie’s doing well. Sometimes, we have tough days where she has bad gas and cries alot - I hate those days because I hate her being upset and in pain. Every day she seems bigger, more alert and interested in whatever’s going on. I worry about everything, as a new mum does. My biggest worry currently is how much time Ellie gets with James now that he’s back at work. I’m worried the novelty has worn off for him, that he’s too tired from work and our sleepless nights to be as doting as he has been before now. I worry about my ability to cope with so little sleep and so much to worry about and so little down time. But she’s beautiful, such a character and I’m so glad we accidentally fell pregnant!

I’m too tired to write much at the moment. I’ve just added some photos. They can be found here.

I hate that he’s so bad with me, especially at the moment. I question whether the way he is reflects that kind of parent I am. I wonder if the fact that he most certainly likes James most is the way it will be with our children. I don’t feel confident about my skills to raise a baby after a day of non-stop barking and frustration. I’m scared I will be a bad mother because I can’t get the stupid dog to shut the hell up. I just get so upset, often I will end up in tears, because right now I really don’t have the capacity to cope. I’m tired because sleeping seems to illude me for most of the night and then I can’t nap because Scraps barks and I then don’t get the energy I desperately need to do the things that need to be done.

Today I have started feeling alot of pressure ‘down below’ and last night my lower back was quite sore. All good signs, even if they’re not comfortable!! James has told Ellie to wait for the 1st of August, the other day he told her she had 6 days until she could come and I think she was listening.

My ability to sleep has worsened over the last few nights. I am just too uncomfortable and always needing to pee. I am so tired right now that I feel like my eyes are going to fall out of my head!