Love Samantha xox

Oh yeah and my car carked it on the weekend. 3 days at the mechanics and a new water pump/timing belt/airconditioner and it broke down again tonight . Had to be towed home!!!! Now it's either the thermostat/radiator/head gasket !!! I am SO not made of money and without the car hub has no way of getting to work so we're losing money while forking out money !! Oh and the immobiliser is supposed to be getting fixed on Friday which is a major job cuz it was never fitted properly in the first place. Sometimes I wonder why so much has to go wrong at the same time. Makes it hard to cope! RAC is my new best friend LOL!!!

Nitey nite Minti Mummies!!

xoxox

I have just created a new group called: Health Fitness Happiness for all those Minti Mums out there who either need to get fit, get healthy or get happy. You can join the group if you want to lose weight, gain weight, discover happiness through depression, clean up your house, tackle your money issues, etc. It's all about your own personal journeys through mind body and spirit and if you're interested please leave me a comment and I will send you an invite. It's a private group so that when you upload your pictures and your personal stories nobody but the other group members can see it. I hope to see some new members - I think this group will really help everyone keep on track this year and make 2009 the year for change. Plus having the extra support from other Minti members always helps to make it that little bit easier!!

Look forward to seeing you there!!

Love Samantha xox

Well heres to hoping I have more luck tomorrow - at least Sam will be here to give me a hand  cuz it's been a bloody tiring day today!!

Oh and darling hubby brought me home a bunch of flowers today and cooked me dinner because he knew how hard the cleaning up of all the accidents had been for me!! What a sweetie, I am SO lucky to have him!!

Anyway night all!! xox

So while he was eating lunch I enjoyed cleaning up all the poo - NOT!! And I came here on Minti for some suggestions on how to potty train a boy. I had some wonderful responses and was lucky to have gotten one earlier from Samantha in her blog. So I didn't give up hope and when Sam got home from work we went late night shopping. I told Jesse we were going shopping to pick out a big boy potty and some big boy panties and he could pick which ones he wanted. On the way there I had my nose buried in my book "What to Expect the Toddler Years" frantically trying to cram in as much as I could about toilet training lol. 

So the first stop was Toys 'r' Us where they only had girl potties grrrrr and despite Sam saying it was ok I refused to buy him a pink potty lol!! I can be a bit of a tomboy at times haha!! So luckily I found 1 blue and green potty - the box had been opened and the parts taken out of their wrapping but I was desperate and so I grabbed the last one. So now he has a Bambini potty that sits over the toilet with a step stool instead of him trying to squat on the little Wiggles one I had previously bought him. Then I found some training pants - YAY! And now I notice the difference between training pants and pull-ups hehe!! Then as an incentive for when he learns to go wee and poo like a big boy I bought him a doll stroller for my doll which he has now claimed lol!! I tried to find a dolly with a potty so I could demonstrate to him what to do but all they had was Baby Born and I was not paying $80!! What annoys me is just before I gave birth to Jesse I threw out all my toys and dolls including my Baby Born and all her accessories. Had I known she would come in handy in the future I might not have parted with her so soon and so easily!! And Jesse loves playing with my doll and acting like a daddy - feeding her and strapping her into his stroller.

Well after that we went onto Kmart because they had 20% off underwear and luckily they had some little boy jocks left in Jesse's size so I grabbed what they had and then told Jesse he could pick which ones he wanted and led him over to the character ones (which of course were more expensive lol) and I wasn't at all surprised when he picked out the Wiggles hehe!! Then I grabbed him another back pack because his 1st one broke and this one comes with a lunchbox. Then I bought a lunchbox for me and another for Sam and then it was homeward bound. But not before I ducked into the pet shop hehe!! They had the cutest little puppies and kittens and guinea pigs and rabbits and of course the mice! I love the mice. But I had to restrain myself because I'm focusing on having another baby first before any pets lol! And I get to look after my friend's mice for 2 weeks while she goes on holiday so that should fulfill my want for another pet mouse lol! Yes when I was pregnant with Jesse I owned 100 mice but had to give up all my females because I knew I wouldn't have time for them when Jesse came along. I kept the males but they have all passed away now.

So when we got home I made dinner and while Jesse was having his sweets I assembled his potty during the ad breaks of Eli Stone - haha what can I say I'm multi-talented lol!! Jesse loved it and wanted to try it out straight away - YAY!! So Jesse sat on there with his nappy still on and tried getting up a few times by himself. Then he went over and pressed the flush button and I praised him for being such a big boy. Then while he was having his nightly drink of milk I asked if he wanted to put on a pair of big boy panties and without hesitation the nappy was off and the jocks were on lol!! I was STOKED!! I was only trying to see if they fit but Jesse got really angry when I tried putting him back in the nappy so I let him wear his big boy panties for the rest of the night. And no accidents!! Then before he went to bed I took him to the toilet, showed him how to pull down his undies and then he sat on there for a while. He didn't do anything but I was so proud of him anway. Then he flushed the toilet all by himself and for the first time ever he washed his hands on his own :o)!! I was happy, my heart was swelling with pride and I was so overjoyed. Although the day didn't start off successful, it certainly ended on a postive note and I can't wait for tomorrow!! I may take this back in tomorrow's blog but I think this is going to be so much fun!! What makes it better is we're trying for another baby in March and I wasn't even planning on potty training Jesse until he could talk but thanks to everyone's advice my little boy might just be out of nappies by the time I fall pregnant. And boy would that be fantastic and so much easier on me if I end up with morning sickness!!

Anyway I hope everyone else has had as much of a productive day as I have. I'm off to put my feet up and relax and I may just finish taking down the Xmas tree - I'm 2/3rds done - yay!!

Oh and even better my friend from mother's group had her baby girl on Monday and I'm going to see her next Thursday. I'm so excited!! And it's just what I need to get back into the mushy baby mode again lol!! And to top it off an old high school friend of mine added me on facebook and she now has a 7 month old baby boy. And even better - she lives in the next suburb over!! YAY so we'll be catching up for coffee in Freo and I'm invited to her engagement party at the Newport!! I'm so so happy and so so excited!!

And how could I forget . . Thank you God!! You really have answered my prayers and bought some wonderful old friends back into my life and you've also sent a few new ones my way!! Thank you . . thank you . . thank you!! I love you!!

AMEN xoxoxox

xox

AMEN

1. Be happy!!

2. Get into a regular sleep routine!!

3. Get my driver's licence!!

4. Eat healthily!!

5. Exercise!!

6. Have a holiday!!

7. Clean the WHOLE house!! (LOL I'm not looking forward to this one haha)

8. Try for baby number 2!!

9. Be nicer to my hubby!! (hahahahaha)

and last but not least . .

10. Kick this OCD in the butt!! Haha!!

So wish me luck on my 2009 endeavours which I plan to have put into action by 2010!! I will of course keep everyone updated on my successes and hopefully not on my failures :o( LOL!!

So we put it out of our minds on Christmas day and had Sams Uncle over in the morning which went well. And even he said they were pressuring us too much and to just cool it from them (and he is mother in law's sister) so there you go. Even he thinks they're in the wrong and we're in the right. And we didn't even have a bitch to him - the mother in law had done all the bitching lol!! We just said we were cut out and we didn't now why - boom boom!

Then it was Chrissy lunch at my Nan's house with all my extended family where Mum brought along all the pressies from the in-laws!! Grrrr so when we left Nan's we had to decide what to do with the pressies. So we pulled into a carpark and had a talk while Jesse sleeped in the car seat. I told Sam I didn't want to interfere and it would have to be his decision as I didn't want be blamed yet again for another family interference. I did however say that I wouldn't be accepting the present from them as they have disrespected me and hadn't even spoken to me in 6 months but as for Jesse's and his it was up to him. So in the end he decided he wanted to return his and Jesse's presents as well. In hearing this I suggested he leave a note with the presents explaing how we felt so it didn't look AS rude!! The note went something like this:

"I don't understand why you are giving us presents if you two have cut me and my family out of your lives? If you haven't cut us out of your lives and it was all just a joke then you have seriously hurt me, Samantha and Jesse. If it wasn't a joke and you have cut us out of your lives then please stop playing these mind games with us and please leave us alone. I hope you can understand now why we can't accept these gifts. All the best for the new year."

And so we dropped the presents back off out the front of their house with the note and then left. At first we felt really guilty because we are both very nice people who hate conflict and our conciences were killing us but we reasoned that everyone makes mistakes. And if we had just made a big mistake then at least we can be adult enough to admit it and we would apologise if it had unintentionally hurt anyone. But as we drove on and discussed things further we knew we had done the right thing by our own little family as we had the feeling we were just being manipulated yet again.

So the night was going well (keeping in mind this was still Christmas night) and so at 9pm I decided to have a shower before we would settle down and play with the playstation games we had received for Chrissy. Then after I had hopped in there was a knock at my door and immediately we suspected it was father in law. I told Samuel to simply open the door and ask him to leave. After all it was late and we were looking forward to having a bit of alone time together now that the family do was over and done with. Well when it had been about 5 mintues and he still hadn't left I wrapped a towl around myself and listened at the door as father in law hadn't been invited in. Gah he could have at least called first!

Basically I heard Sam getting a telling off like he was still a child and saying that his mother was hurt yet again. Sam said nothing. His father continued he never had cut him out of the family he had just got his wording wrong - YEAH RIGHT!! FIL always changes his wording afterwards but their actions speak louder than words and they hadn't spoken to us in 6 MONTHS!! To which Sam said well that's what you said - once again the blame was put back on Sam. And still Sam said nothing. Then Sam asked well why hasn't Mum contacted me or Sam in 6 months to which FIL replied Sam would have to make the first move. God - how old are they? And it's them who we are waiting for an apology from. And then his father went on to say that his mother was torturing herself every night looking at photos of Jesse. And I'm listening in thinking - um hello if she is that upset about the situation then it dosn't take much for her to scribble a note saying hey let's work this out!! But still Sam said nothing. And then finally Sam explained that our psychologist had advised us to cool it from them for 6 months and then Sam went on to say if after 6 months they wanted a relationship with us they would first have to have a relationship with himself and me before Jesse would even be re-introduced back into the picture. And then his Dad started to completely contradict himself by first saying that Samuel hadn't been cut out of the family, then saying that from now on he or MIL wouldn't be contacting us anymore, and then finished it off by saying that they'll always love him and they're always there if we ever needed them. So what on earth was he trying to get at? In the same sentence it sounded like we weren't cut out, but now he was cutting us out but they're still there for Sam. What the?? And always there if we needed them - what a load of bolony!! I don't know a time when we could be needing them more - hello we're teen parents, both battling depression and trying to buy our first house on a very limited income. When would we need their help more than now? But yet when we went to them for help: 1. I was not invited over and 2. Sam ended up being cut out of the family. Then to top things off I heard FIL drop his voice and start talking about me. I heard him say that it was my fault what went on between MIL and me and that I had caused all this but Sam denied that's what FIL had said and told me that he'd actually said he was instead putting me down because I had considered an abortion when I first found out I was pregnant and that they had wanted to keep my baby - who wasn't even born yet!!! So either way whatever FIL had said it was rude and uncalled for yet Sam said nothing to him!! And then before FIL left he said he was always there for Sam and that when he had nobody else to turn to and life was just getting him down they would be his only lifeline!! Um hello - what am I a piece of dirt??? I'm Sam's lifeline not them!! They've left Sam feeling alone and upset and who's been there for him - ME!! NOT THEM!!!!

So when FIL left I got upset and angry because I was sick of Sam never sticking up for himself or me. And I knew what FIL had said about me yet Sam kept denying it. I then went on to suggest that maybe we should break up as I couldn't handle the pressure from his parents anymore and that we could still be friends and I'd always be there for him but I couldn't keep living this way. And instead of sticking up for our relationship or anything like that he just fell asleep when I was talking to him!!! Grrrrrr . . So I spent all night until 4:30am talking to another Minti Mummy (hehe you know who you are) who made things a little bit clearer as I was dead set on leaving him. But now I'm just SO confused and don't know what to do anymore. I hate how him and his family always make me feel and since being with Sam I've never ever felt happy. My depression and suicidal thoughts just keep on getting worse and it's hard to tell whether he is a part of it or if it's just his family. And I know if we split up I would be devastated and never get over it but I would also feel this enormously huge weight lift off my shoulders. And I would know that in the future I would pick a suitable husband who knew how to stick up for himself and for ME!!! But I don't know what is the right thing to do - to stand by him or leave him? I just hate this and I hate this situation and it completely ruined my Christmas!!! Spoil any other day for me fine - but not Christmas. And it's like because FIL and MIL have pushed all their family away and have nobody on Christmas, it was a good enough reason to come over here and ruin ours too. I've thought of us leaving the state (this is how much they get me down) but I'd miss my family SO much. But that could be the answer - move over East!! I'm just so confused and don't think I can do this anymore . .

Also I am probably long over due for a new blog entry as I have more venting to do LOL!! It's to do with the in-laws and Christmas day and so far I have been to angry and upset to write about it but if I get the time tomorrow I might finally blog it off my chest LOL!!

Anyway I'm really tired as it is VERY late or should I say VERY early and my tummy is giving me a bit of grief so I'm off to bed. And oh darn I have to remember to ring this consumer line tomorrow about the sandpit I bought Jesse for Christmas. The darn wood has split on 4 of the pieces and will need to be replaced before I assemble it else the whole thing will just fall apart. So fingers crossed they can just send me out replacement pieces instead of me having to return the bloody thing back to where I bought it as it a pain in the a** to get in and out of the car as it SO heavy and bulky and BIG!!! LOL!!

Sorry had to complain about something . . I wouldn't be me if I didn't . . LOL!!!

Goodnight all and thank you so far to everyone who has been leaving me comments and lounge entries and so forth!! I'm getting there on all the replies I promise LOL!!!!

I felt kind of sad when I was eating dinner though because I knew I'd cooked enough to feed at least 6 people and I just wish that I could have had 3 hungry people sitting at the table next to me :o( and to think we couldn't even finish what was on our own plates :o( But other than that we enjoyed the carols for a good 2 hours as we live right behind the Church so while we were eating dinner we got free entertainment hehehe!!

Oh and then like the in-laws couldn't give us one day of peace - my Mum calls and said that Sam's Dad had been over there and told my Mum to give Jesse the presents they had bought for him!! It's like HELLO you cut us out - what are you playing at? Why won't you leave us alone? And if you haven't cut us out then why did you say it for? And duh they know where we live, they know our phone numbers - why didn't they come over and bring us the presents themselves? Or even post it for that matter? Or even better - give us a call and see if we want to come over on Christmas Day!! BUT NO!!! But I know the reason why - it's because we probably still are cut out of the family but because it's Christmas they want Jesse to have his toys and once Christmas is over it will be another 364 days of us being cut out before once again they try to unload presents on us!! Argh and getting my family involved in all of this is just horrible!!! I can't stand them and so now I'm contemplating whether or not to return the presents with a lovely little note stating "You cut us out, so what are you playing at?" or just donating them all to GoodWill hahahahaha that means everyone comes out happy hahaha!!!

Anyway I'm off to bed as *clears throat* I'm playing Mrs. Clause tonight and Santa needs some help putting Jesse's presents under the tree and eating all the cookies hehehe!!

To all who read this I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!! Thanks to all the Mintiers out there who have supported me throughout the last couple of months of 08 and I look forward to getting to know you all better in 09!!

Love Samantha xoxoxoxox

Mind you I only just this second opened a letter from SKG Radiology saying they were summoning me to court for unpaid charges even though I must have phoned them about a million times saying I was still waiting on the cheque from Medicare - duh!! Bunch of idiots are going to get abused over the phone by me tomorrow. Someone in the office isn't doing their job properly!! Gah now I am SO mad!!!

So . . I am going to go back to focussing on why my day was good before I just opened that letter LOL!! I had a visit from my social worker this afternoon as she comes over weekly and when she arrived she asked me to come out to her car as she had something for me. Anyway when she popped the boot of her car there were two big hampers of food in there for me and my little family :o) all dressed up in Christmas bows!!

I was SO happy!! I hadn't had a chance to do any food shopping for Christmas yet and with money being SO tight after all our medical bills recently, this has really come in handy. I was like a kid who'd just received a toy from Santa that they'd been asking for all year hehehe!! My eyes were SO wide lol!! So yeah I got heaps of yummy goodies, to name a few: sugar, pudding, custard, lollies, softdrink, ham, milk, cheese, Milo, tinned fruit, tinned vegetables and the list goes on. Karen (my social worker) said most recipients usually only receive one hamper but when they found out I had a baby as well they said I deserved an extra hamper :o) How nice is that? They're so sweet!!

And when I opened it up later on I realised it had a Bible in it and the hamper was made up from donations by Christians from our local Churches!! Basically every year they donate about 500 hampers to services around the Fremantle area which then goes to people who are having a tough time or are in need of a bit of cheering up. Karen said not many people usually get a hamper and that the reason they picked me was because I was such a young Mum and I was coping so well given my situation (being so isolated) and having to deal with my mental health problems as well. And I think she may have known about how much the medical bills took out of my savings. So she said they all thought I deserved it for being such a great Mum and that they were so proud of me!! Her words meant the most of me - just to hear that I was a good Mum brought tears to my eyes. It's all I've ever wanted to hear because I always doubt myself. And she said all I need is a little self-confidence because I am doing such a fantastic job!! So yeah I am so happy right now and so grateful to everyone who helped make these hampers a reality for me!!

And it's funny because not long ago I offered to help out a fellow Minti Member who was having financial troubles and I knew that even though I didn't have much I probably had more than some others. And when some other members were asking about my generosity I told them that I believed in karma and that if you do good to others, then good will come to you. Well I never even asked for help and just like that I am blessed with 2 hampers full of food. So if that isn't good coming to me for the good I've done - then I don't know what it is. I guess it just goes to show that generosity really is worth all it's cracked up to be and that giving can be just as rewarding as receiving. So give a little this Christmas and you might just find something goes in your favour :o)

Now I'm off to worry about this final notice for payment and my summons to court - they will be hearing from me first thing in the morning!! These new Medicare Claim forms are just ridiculous because they take so bloody long to send out the cheque that in the mean time I'm being harassed for non-payment!! Grrrrrrr . . .

Then Sam dropped me and Jesse off at Mum's house so he could go and pick up the sandpit and chalk board from the layby. All the seats in the car needed to be laid down because I have such a small car LOL and so they're now sitting at Mum's and Sam will have to come and pick them up on his way home from work tommorrow evening.

While he was out doing that he went over to his parent's place to pick up the gifts and Christmas cards from the extended rellies over in New Zealand. He accidently brought a card home that was from his parents so after we finished our shopping we planned to drop it back off there. (To catch you up my in-laws (Sam's parents) have cut us out of the family and told us they would get back in touch with Jesse when he turns 16 so it's been about 6 months since they've seen me or Jesse and about 2 months since they've seen Sam and MIL hasn't spoken to me in along long time). See my question on in-laws in the Q&A section of Minti.

So then I went shopping at Priceline to get myself some new eyeliner for Christmas as my old one had broken and while there I decided to treat myself to some more shampoo, conditioner and foundation. YAY!!

Then it was back to the in-laws to drop off the Christmas card. In it read that we were welcome to come over Christmas day if we had the time, mind you they had told all the relatives that we wouldn't be coming over for Christmas because we weren't a part of the family anymore and when they rung Sam up a couple of days ago his Dad just said there are presents here for Jesse if you want to come pick them up. So there was no mention of an invite on the phone and although Sam's Mum wrote the card she has never once called us to speak to us on the phone or even bothered to come over and see us.  So now we're stuck in a pickle and rather confused as to what they're getting at. They told us we were cut out and then a few days before Christmas they write a nice card. But even though they had bought us gifts (well mainly Jesse) they didn't bother to send them to us or drop them off to us they just said come and pick them up. If I bought someone a present I would consider it common courtesy to send it to them or drop it off to them, not expect them to make the trip and pick it up themselves. What the?

So to cut a long story short Sam turned up at the in-laws while I waited in the car with Jesse and Sam's brother came out with all the presents (that's right his own parents didn't even come out to see him or give him the presents themselves, instead they're using Sam's brother as the messenger boy caught in the middle.). Anyway Sam said "No we're not accepting the presents from Mum and Dad because they cut us out of the family and now they have to live with their decision." And get this then his brother said "Can't you just take the presents and make them happy?" Well the answer to that was an obvious no, why would we want to make them happy for Christmas when they have hurt us all SO much. So then his brother continues "Don't be a d**khead and just take them. Just because Samantha had a whinge and now they can't see Jesse or give him presents." To which Sam replied "No, you don't even have the full story." And then he placed the presents on the driveway and walked back to the car.

Well never have I been so hurt in my LIFE!! I think Sam could tell I was upset but I told him I was fine. Anyway he walked in on me about 10 minutes later crying in the bedroom. I am just SO hurt and upset that it feels like my heart has been ripped out and stomped all over. I have been nothing but nice to my in-laws and Sam's whole family. I have NEVER EVER done anything nasty and if I have ever done something wrong (as everyone makes mistakes) I've always made sure that I apologised for it and made it up to them. And now for them to have gotten Sam's brother involved and blamed it all on me  I just feel absolutely CRUSHED!! I have always been so nice to Sam's brother and have never done anything wrong to him so why does he now automatically hate me? What have the in-laws said about me? I always bought his brother food to eat, gave him i-tunes money, let him use my i-tunes account and we even bought him a present this year despite being on a very very tight budget! And this is the brother who doesn't even come out of his room to speak to his own parents. Where are we going wrong? Now I'm just so worried that eventually Sam's other brother will start hating me as well and so will his uncle. It's like I'm losing a whole second family and so is Sam and all on hear-say. Nobody has even heard our side of the story yet.

I just feel like I've been walked all over. After everything I've done for them I still can do no right. I gave Jesse to Sam's Mum on my very first Mother's Day for a couple of hours which she took advantage of and kept him from 9am til 6pm that night. I became sick with Mastitis from not being able to breastfeed him and she fed him formula. Yet I handled the situation calmly and brought it up with them later although MIL didn't think she had done anything wrong and I never received an aplogy, then when Sam's grandparents came over from NZ I stayed with them for 2 weeks not long after I gave birth so that they could see him (although they barely did because MIL kept taking him off them), I brought Jesse along for what was supposed to be a family photo shoot with our joint families yet when all the prints came back they were just of MIL and my son, then for Jesse's first Christmas we were invited over for dinner at 3 to which I asked if we could come at 5 as my family was doing a lunch and Jesse would need to have a nap around that time - they agreed it was OK but when we turned up at 5 and still hadn't been served dinner by 7 we asked where the food was only to be told they'd eaten at 3!! The list goes on of all the stuff they've done to us but for some reason they have managed to manipulate everyone into believing them instead.

I never ever had a whinge at Sam and told them they couldnt' see Jesse. All I ever asked from Sam was for him to stick up for me instead of his mother all the time as his father was there to do that job and we are supposed to be a couple. Finally he started sticking up for our own little family unit and now all of this has happened. And even our psychologist Tony told him that when you start a new life with a partner you're supposed to side with you're partner not you're parents even if you're partner is wrong because you have decided to grow old together and start a family together. The psych also said it is a lot better to argue with someone outside the household than in the household because at the end of the day it's us 2 that share a bed not Sam and his parents. And I wasn't even there on the day Sam was cut out of the family so how on Earth could I have had anything to do with it? I wasn't even invited over that day, I was told I was not welcome and so how I can be blamed for them cutting us out is beyond my belief. Not to mention that Sam is the one who now wants to cut ties with them after the way he was spoken  to - NOT ME!! I would love for them to go back to being the same great in-laws they were before Jesse was born but now Sam says that's it they're cut out. And so it makes me feel even more horrible because I feel like I have caused all of this. And then I start feeling like I am going crazy and I begin to doubt my actions. I start thinking "Am I manipulative? Have I caused this family fall-out? Should I have been more lenient and let Sam side with whoever he'd wanted to? Should I have done some things differently? And with all my mental health sruggles atm this is the last thing I needed. I felt like I was getting back on track with all the work I've been doing with my social worker and now I've just hit rock bottom again. I just don't know where my heads at. I feel sick to my stomach, I'm tired and my eyes hurt from crying. I don't even know if any of this will make sense because I'm just pouring my heart out and my fingers can't keep up with my thoughts. I just can't type fast enough. And now because I have been down all day I am SO far behind in my housework, I haven't got anything organised for Christmas or any presents wrapped. I just feel so useless and hopeless and like such a bad mother and partner. I just . . I dunno . . hate it how these people can make me feel so darn right down about myself that I couldn't care if I lived or not. How do they have this power over me? Am I going crazy or is this all understandable given my situation? I just feel so alone . .