As she stood there, first in line to collect her certificate and bible, I could feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. Her teacher talked about the year and her Paris Hilton diva like status, the tears threaten. I look up at the sky to see 2 gaqlahs flying in the distance, I remember thinking it won't be long and she will too fly the nest.

All my fears suddenly overwhelmed me nand the tears began to flow. Up to this point hubby and I were tag teaming with chomper, who just couldn't sit still...... I was sitting alone with an empty pram.......have I done enough as a parent, is she prepared enough to cope, will she grow up, prepared for life?

As her name was called and she step up to accept her award and her gift (a bible) I remembered the day I gave birth to her, the stress an anxiety thru everything we had been thru. Then I relised that she really is a wonderful daughter and I just don't tell her enough.

So to you my precious daughter, may your life be far better than my own, may you know success it ways I can only dream of and that you fulfil your every dream, your every goal and never forget I'm right behind you to catch you when you fall and too cheer you on in your every endevour.

Raven

So I'm really sorry if I offended anyone.......

Raven

She "conspired" with her friend and told another adult who dropped them off at the friends place that she was allowed to stay till 7pm and she would ring us from her friends place (she doesn't have her own mobile yet) when she got there. My brother was comming down and we had to rush from church to home to meet him. They left out all the details when discussing it with me and hubby. Her friends mum couldn't drop them off till 7 and they switched of her friends phone so we couldn't contact her. By 6pm I was beside myself with worry that something had happened, so I rang the adult who dropped them off who filled me in on the details...........which resulted in me getting very angry.

When she was dropped off at 7pm, I was polite to her friend but once she got inside I went off my nut.

I told her how hurt I was that she lied and decieved me. That I was sick with worry and I have no idea why the hell she was treating me like this.

She has so much freedom, we rarely say no to her and we allow her to spend time with her frends. It would seem this friend is a bad influence on her and I have forbidden her to go and spend any more tme with her outside of school hrs.

This friend has given AJ music that I have expressly forbidden to have in my house unless she gets my approval for the song. The last lot of lyrics she brought home condoned and encourage drinking, arson, sex  and murdering your boyfriend!!!!! Who writes that garbage!!! I told her that it was not to be brought into my house anymore.

She accused me of being strict because I won't let her do what her friends do. How do I am I suppose to protect her while I educate her!!!!!

I also found out from the adult that they are being left at the friends house alone or babysitting the friends baby brother. I am not very happy and I have no idea what they have been getting up too. Hubby Q'd her, asked her if boys were comming over and if she was exprementing with sex, she was horrified that we asked and completely embarrassed.......I hate invading her privacy but I don't want her getting pregnant either. Theres enough of that around at the moment. It she hasn't been, but it's only a matter of time. This friend of hers acts way older then her 13yrs and knows stuff she shouldn't. She also has "boyfriend" which at her age is inappropiate.

AJ never use to be like this until she started hanging out with this friend. Fortunately this friend isn't going to her high school next yr but apparently her class is acting up. I'm going to the principle tomorrow and explaining the music issue as much of it is being passed on during school hrs. I relise that it's practically the end of the year, but this issue is affecting the yr 6's who are there. The lyric's are disgusting, rude and full of explicit language and sexual content.

I haven't a clue as to what to do with her. This is the 5th major lie we've caught her in.....2 were over her school camp and 2 over an incident that happened at the camp!

I have grounded her for the rest of the yr and I've taken her electronics away until she earns back my trust!

This behaviour started just after birthday. She sees what her friends have and wants it, even tho we can't afford it (even if we could I wouldn't give it to her anyway on principle) she knows the rules and does everything to bend or break them. We don't ask much of her.......keep her room clean and clean up after herself, put her washing out and just basic things like helping clean up. Basic manners and respect.

I don't know why she's lying and decieving me......yesterday all she had to do is tell us and we would have picked her up. (We don't have the friends address but we trusted AJ to do the right thing as she mostly has in the past.)

My theory is that this friend who just before her birthday became a firm friend or rather joined the inner circle is influencing AJ into this behaviour because she lonely and/or is use to getting her own way, either way AJ's never staying at her place again.

AJ's broken my trust and she's really hurt me over this............I don't know what else to do with her, I will not tolerate being lied too, for me this is the ultimate sin. I will forgive her but my trust is broken and she's going to have earn my trust back.

What do I do with her......I am at my wits end with her!

Raven

So for the updated version....

Mircowave.......still out and will be delayed until I have some money!!!!!!

Dishwasher.......finally had enough and has blown it's element!!!!!! Will have to wait!!!! In the meantime it's back to manaul labor and being tied to the kitchen sink!!!!!!!!!

Mobile phone..........battery won't hold it's charge....solution, I'm taking it back again!!!!! The first one I bought had the battery fold over!!!! So i exchanged it for a blue one as I hate pink. This one is less then 6mths old and it's screwed up. So I have no personal mobile, none my friends can reach me unless they have my home mobile no and quite frankly it's damn annoying!!!!

The fridge which I blogged before but cost me $75 for them to tell me there was nothing wrong with it!!!!!! What waste of limited finances specially right before  christmas.

On the upside I may be able use some of our puppy money to get these items fixed.........but we do have to pay off the business first!!!!!

So what do you when all your appliances decide to make your life a nightmare............remember that most of these items weren't invented 40yrs ago and be glad that you weren't born in the 18th century!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers Raven

who will be tied to the kitchen sink for the next 2hrs washing every cup and utensil because the kids have never heard of rinse and reuse!!!!!!!!

Raven

I'm still looking for the camera cord so I can upload the photo's.....it's always in the last place you look!!!!!

The puppies will be ready to go to new homes from the 12 of December (6 weeks) as long as they get puppy milk for the last 2wks! Otherwise it will be the 28 of December........when we are on holidays!!!! Talk about timing! Anyway we have 3 girls and 2 boys......and if you didn't read the previous blog their purebred beagles. We are still deciding price as there are no beagle pups being sold in SA at the moment, so we maybe able to charge a little more but will see as we get closer to point of sale......it will be a sad time but also a happy one as the puppies new owners share the joy of owning and having a beagle as a part of their family. They are quirky dogs and do have some bad habits, digging, jumping all in the name of a great escape! So always have your beagle mircochipped!!!!!

On the otherside of things......I paid $75 for the fridge guy to tell me there is nothing wrong with my fridge!!!!!!! My mirco is still unusable and my dishwasher is stilling playing up!!!!!

My family are all well (the kids) and life is generally good providing I stay away from my side of the family!!!!!!!! It really makes you laugh!!!!

So today like many days will be devoted to housework and exercise......I've lost 7kg so far, I have a total of 56 kg to lose so thats only another 49kgs to go!!!!! As long as I lose around kilo a week I'm happy! I'm almost into my old size 16 clothes....which is so exciting to me. I have some great clothes I bought when I lost weight last time, plus I've bought some new pieces to help me get motivated. So I'm really excited.

Cheers Raven!

The first one is quite dark and definately a tri colour (beagle)!

So I'm up for a busy day!!!!!!

Cheers Raven

I got my ipod back, well actually I got a brand new one back and it works!!!!!! YAY and now I can treadmill to my hearts content.....well till lose all the fat and get my figure back. I'm beginning think it's like my virginity, it ain't ever comming back!!!!!

Hubby decided to check if my dishwasher was actually on the fritz, so he had a poke around decided to do an empty wash cycle..........Wouldn't you believe it, the damn thing decides it's gonna work.. Now it's not that I'm not happy it's working, I'm mad because I couldn't get it to work!!!!!!

However the mirco is still on the fritz and do have to solve that!

My new runners came in last week and so I'm happily paying them off plus I just paid for my undercover wear and am looking forward to recieving that.

Now for the best news.....WE ARE HAVING PUPPIES!!!!!!!!

Our purebred beagle, Vala is having a litter in the next few days, so we are busy getting ready for the new arrivals. It was an accident, we couldn't tell when she was in season until she got pudgy. She's now triple her orginal size and we are expecting a large litter. So if you live in SA or are willing to travel for pure bred beagle pups, drop me a line and I'll fill you in on the details!

That just about covers it.

Cheers Raven

So how'd we do it? Well, the most important keys to sucessful relationship is firstly honestly and secondly communication. I tell my husband everything and he tells me everything. If we are flirted with, we tell each other, if something happens we tell each other.

I went out one night to celebrate a friends leaving town and at the end of the night a very drunk young man felt me up. I casually told him I was married and waved to a male friend that was there. He suddenly become very panicked! It was rather funny! Anyway when I got home i told my hubby who laughed! He thought it was very funny and very innovative on my behalf. He also said to me "see you've still got it!"

My  husband is my best friend and I share with him just as I share with other best friend. In this day and age, you can't simply be husband and wife nor can you just co habitat together. You have to have a deep connection to your loved one. Share every deep thought and feelings with them. Turn towards them rather than away when things get tough.

We have been thru the tough times, back in 2004 we almost split up. We had suffered two huge losses and we stopped communicating. One nite after a huge fight, we or rather my hubby just started talking, pouring out his pain and heart break. He then invited me to do the same, which I did......It saved our marriage.

You can either let something tear you apart or you can share it with your loved one so that he or she can help share the burden. This is what relationship is about, sharing the burdens as well as the joy!

Cheers Raven

I had to go to the newsagency/post office which is not far from my home. So with arm in a sling I had AJ pushing the pram and I was taking care of the littler ones. I had to post some accounts for which I needed some stamps. So we got there did what we had to and set off.

We crossed the road to get to the traffic lights and as we approached, there was truck parked 4 metres from the lights, I checked the road and saw a green 4wd rav type car speeding down the road. I pressed the button but told Aj to start after me. The little green man pops up and I set across the road, as i emerge from in front of the truck, theres the blonde idiot! She wasn't even gonna stop until she saw me! She slammed on her brakes, probably gave herself whiplash (for which i say suck din bitch!).

Just because she didn't see anyone doesn't mean you can drive thru a red light! Yes admittedly the truck was hiding me and the kids and it was 5 o'clock at nite but generally red means stop right?

The other drivers in their cars were shaking their heads in disbelief! She just managed to stop on the line but she could've very well cleaned me and my children up!

I managed to keep it together until I got home, 10mins later hubby walked in the door and I let him have it! Poor guy, he really puts up with a lot. But I don't think I'll be taking the kids out like that again for a little while. Well not till my arm heals properly.

She must have gotten her licences out of weet bix packet because no certified instructor would have passed her!!!! Stupid woman!

Now I've had a rant I feel better.

Hubby didn't even yell at me for spending $73 dollars on undercover wear tonite. He wouldn't yell at me anyway but he's pretty pissed about what happened. Had she reacted any slower, hubby would be visiting us in hospital or worse...........

Shaken but in one piece, Raven

The Ipod saga.......

Hubby bought me an ipod for xmas last yr. It worked for a while then the battery decided it wasn't gonna recharge, so I took into an Apple store.............who wiped it clean and handed back said it should work.........Well 3wks later and  it stopped charging properly. So I gave to my bro who has mates who work at another ipod store.........they did the same thing, wiped it clean and handed it back with the a wall charger on the promise it will work.......total cost $40......3 weeks later the damn thing stopped charging again, so I rang apple directly got a guy who spoke english with heavy indian accent and was bearly understandable, I found out I have 32 days left of warranty and I will only have whatever warranty is left on the replacement one I'm getting. So I have drive from my town to Adelaide to purchase warranty for the new ipod total cost......I'm not sure I want to know but i'm sure it's gonna cost me at least $200. Anyway that was Tuesday!

The dishwasher saga..........

Tuesday my dishwasher decided to go out in sympathy with my mircowave and went on the fritz.. It's refusing to heat the water to clean the dishes, so I have to all by hand which leaves me no time to exercise and loose my baby weight! So currently I have three electrical goods that don't work and 2 of them I can't get fix for a couple weeks more....YAY!

The sneaker saga.......

Yep, I'm gonna included it......I have had my runners since my four yr old was a baby. Because of my back problems I was looking for a shoe that would give me more support, so I chose a new balance shoe that has stuff in it thats suppose to stop your ankles from rolling.....something that happens to me alot, they cost a small fortune $150, however I couldn't try on or layby any because they don't have any in, in my size, so as any person does, I order pair. That was last thursday and the shoe shop has only just order them and I'm gonna have wait another week, which guess isn't to bad because by the time they get them in I'll be able to pay for them straight away but I would've liked to be able to start paying them off. If it wasn't for Nikki needing new lenses in her glasses I'd have them 1/2 paid off. This just more of an annoyance than anything!

My left arm.......

Here a good one..... I asked my daughter to take out the recycling which she did (this happened monday, the day before the kids went back to school) but she didn't lock the screen door behind her and my 4yr old went running after dad with me hot on his heels. I caught up with him, fortunately he was on the front lawn looking for dad, I explained to him that dad was gone and he would have to go inside, which he did. In my wisdom i thought I'd check the letter box ignoring the funny feeling in my back and left leg.......big mistake..... halfway down the drive way, my back, left leg and ankle gave out and timbers...... Iwas on the ground. My right knee took the brunt of the fall (remember i weigh 110kg currently and I'm praising God i lost lost 2kgs last week) but my left arm took a fair whack of the fall too. I saw black and don't think i lost consciousness or hit my head but the pain in my arm was incredible. as i lay on the ground I checked to make sure i hadn't dislocated my arm, which I didn't, then attempted to get up. I went inside felt like I was gonna vomit which stayed with me for about 30mins. However the pain was just so intense. i rang hubby and asked him to come home, By which time I thought I'd broken something in my elbow. A quick trip to duty DR followed by an xray which revealed nothing broken and in the Dr's words I have a cricketeers injury....A bruised ulna nerve or fair whack old the old funny bone. So arm goes in a sling and I get really good pain meds which i opted for over the counter meds. pandiene forte and I really don't like each other. But as all parents know you never do what your suppose to do and I have 2 days in a row pushed chomper in his pram, washed dishes and done housework that I wasn't suppose to. So instead of my arm healing in a few days it's gonna take a couple of weeks. You can't change a nappy one handed! I am trying to rest it as much as possible but when you have kids it's almost impossible. I could have avoid it if i had put on an ankle brace and given my leg more support from the base!

So that's my week........I hope it's amused you all as much as it's amused me!

Cheers Raven

The exchange student place rang but I have couple issues. One they are so pushy! She wanted me to take on a student for 5mths! And she wanted me to agree immediately. It really put me off. i'm gonna have search and see if theres another one! Second problem is the lack of ability to hear my childrens healthy problems! You'd think that they have a plan in place to ensure that the student understands the importantance of certain health issues. She was all "You'll talk to them and explain it" I was like "I don't speak their language and this  could kill my child" She was well I'm sure we can sort out and i was like yeah I think I want time to reconsider it! I really didn't like her attitude. ATM I'm seriously considering not doing it. I'd love the experience but not at the cost of my daughter! Hubby is really starting to be against it too. I completelly understand too. I wasa hoping this would work out and that they would have some procedures in place to handle these kinds of situations! I'm not sure what I'm gonna do or where to go from here.

Anyway I'm gonna leave it here for the moment(my hang overs getting the better of me) but any suggestions or ideas would be appreciated. I decided against Q&A it for the moment because she's gonna call back in November, so hopefully she has a better answer for me.

Cheers Raven!

Anyway back to Chomper, he had all his needles yesterday and his health check today. His put on all the weight he lost while being sick with croup so I am one happy mamma!

My older 3 have gone to the zoo today with their grandpa (my fil) I think he took them to Monarto zoo, which is not far from where we live. My kids haven't been there before so I hope their having a great time!

Anyway, I'm trying to loose my baby weight so I have given up some of my internet time to excerise, so I'd better say hello to all and I'm gonna send out some emails soon and catch up with everyone!

Cheers Raven

Anyway, theres a new eczema product out on the market. Chomper has atopic eczema and it seems that banana is the trigger. So after the trip to the doctors and some prescription cream (egocort 1% made by EGO, the best prescription cream yet!) at the chemist, I stopped by the derm Veen creams before I paid for the prescription. Anyway they have eczema ointment out, so after a quick discussion with one of the sales girls, I bought the allergist recommended cream (Derma Veen Eczema Cream, retails AUS$10 and helps kill allergens and moisturizers) and the Eczema ointment (by Derma Veen and retails for AUS $14).

24 hrs later and chompers eczema was pale and  far smoother. The routine is simple, prescription cream first  thing in the morning, ezcema cream mid morning/lunch time, the eczema ointment in the afternoon and the prescription cream before bed. (Always follow the recommended usage for prescription creams!) He is less itchy and not irritable. Three days later and vast portion of it has disappeared, it covered approx 40% of his body and was increasing rapidly, weeping around his chin and down his neck, raised rough patches on his stomach, shoulders and left leg!

I'm guessing he may have an anaphylatic allergy to banana, so we are keeping it out of diet. I discovered that it was in the farex fruity museli. Funnily enough, he doesn't like it either!? I'm not sure if it's because it makes him sick or he just doesn't like it.

So I thought I'd just share my new routine and latest experience with eczema!

Cheers Raven

My Bro rang up friday nite about taking the kids to the Adelaide show which was no go because Nikki's 7th b'day party (This blogs gonna take while as I'm doing 1/2 dozen other things at the same time! Talk about multi tasking!!!!!) Anyway my bro starts up about my father and before you know it I'm back chasing my tail!!!!! Heres quick over view in dot point!!!

# Do you want me to invite dad to Nikki's b'day party? Sure but you and I both know he won't come.

#He's travelling with his wife to europe this comming week! What he can open his wallet for himself but can't take a crowbar to it and spend $20 on his grandkids? Don't be like that! Well how else am I suppose to be like!

#Your being stubborn! Why because I'm standing up for myself! Because I won't take his crap anymore! Your just like him!!!! Really.......because I won't kiss his derrie (changed for those who are word sensitive).

#Your just being unforgiving, if you just get to know her........ She walked into my home and threw her weight around, told me how things were gonna be done! She's blown it with me! She's never gonna be grandma to my kids and if it were that important to her she should have kids! Besides he shouldn't have made a promise he couldn't keep!

#Bro says that he will happily mediate.  I say your ganging up on me and he's leading the charge, if he really was interested he would call and find out when things are on! You told him he's not welcome! Thats a lie, he can see the kids whenever he wants as long as he calls first so we can make sure we are home! Well he doesn't feel welcome! Who's faults that! I bent over back wards to please him 2yrs ago, I tried to to sort things out, I gave him the list of things that had to change (I won't go over it  but  it included some serious issues such as giving peanut butter to my anaphylatic child after being continuely told not too!!!!! Issues of respect, boundaries and generousity that he shows my bro but not to me. This has been since i was a child. And many more that are just to numerous to go over)

# Bro laughs and says if thats how I feel why bring it up!!! I didn't!!!! (I missed some of the in between conservation and a few other things said prior to getting into it over my father)

So now at this point I'm feeling even more nauseas and I'm so angry that I yell my hubby about it in front my kids, including making mention of something happen to his plane......to which my hubby replies That's not fair to the other passengers! My 13yr old can't believe that her poppy is spending so much on a holiday and can't even get her b'day pressie. (The last gift he got my kids was and hold on to your hats and bear in mind that it was 2 yrs ago, was a charity card.....Yes thats right, he gave the kids xmas present to charity because they are materialistic and have too much stuff! He rarely sees them, his choice and when he does he basically tells them that are selfish, spoilt brats!!! There were no other gifts not even $2!  Anyway getting off track alittle, my eldest looks at me says Whats new! and I don't want to see him! My 7yr old asks Why is he so mean? You can imagine just how hard that one was to explain! (He's punishing me by being mean to you because he knows how upset it makes me when he's mean to you) My 4yr old gives me hug and chomper starts yelling too! It took an extra 30mins than normal to get the kids to bed!

Saturday morning........I wake up after a horrible nite sleep take Nikki to have her ears pierced! She was so brave, she jumped at the noise but when it was done, she looks at me and says that having blood taken hurt far worse, just like I told her!!!!! Her b'day party went well and everyone walked away full, happy and loaded with loot!!!!!!!

Sunday.....went to church, I spoke to a couple ppl about exchange hosting and their experience ( I recieved the pack on monday but it will be a couple of days before i get the chance to contact them and have a long talk about a couple of issues, one being that Nikki has anaphylaxia!) Our pastors son "preached", actually he shared his experiences on his missions trips. He also showed a video that he and a couple of others put together showing all the places our little church had been (it's amazing, i think by count our church has visited at least 15 different countries and support around 10 different missions (COME ministries in Uganda, who run a school for orphans plus a medical support system, they go into hospitals and help take care of the patients as the staff only provide medical treatment. There is no food nor do the patients get bedwashes, it's up to the families to provide all the needs plus they provide the money to help pay for the medicine needed for HIV, AIDS and malaria. Theres the cow program in veitnam(?) they give a village a pregnant cow and when the calf is weaned it is given back to ppl who then raise it and if it's female the give it to another village and they in turn give back the calf so another village can benefit! It may be cambodia anyway, we support a mission in the phillipines, we help supply them with computers and programs so they can help educate the poorer ppl who wouldn't get accesses to such an education! Anyway I'm gonna get a copy of the video and upload it , well attempt to upload it so you can all see! It's really inspiring!) Anyway the pastors son goes on teen missions.... basically it's a group of christian teens who visit a country and not only preach God's word but put in to action by helping the ppl. They often build houses, churches, clear jungles for farming, help rebuild after natural distasters etc.( www.teenmissions.com.au  for Aussies and Kiwi's and www.teenmissions.org/ for the USA)

Anyway getting way side tracked but the ppl I spoke to about hosting said it was a great experience and definately worth it.

Sunday Arvo......... I call my aunt.........It doesn't go all that well!!!!! So i will dot point her arguements first and then follow it up with my own defence!

# Family is everything and her side of the family is broken (my father and her vs the other sister and 3 brothers! but thats only because of my nanna's will which my aunt inherited the lions share for taking care of her for 4 yrs.)

# It would mean the world to her

# I haven't given him a chance

# I haven't spoken to him in 2yrs (actually it was last year after i had chomper and His wife whom I refer to as A was ticked off because hubby said she couldn't hold chomper because it will upset me, I was still very fragile and over protective of my baby)

# My father and A are package deal (Yes if i were 10yrs old!)

# I should be following God's word and honoring him (yes she played the religious card!!!!)

# She will mediate but she won't change her position or rather do anything that will destroy her relationship with her brother.

My arguements

# She is biased in his favour but insists she can be unbiased and can see both sides of the problem.......If that were true she would be able accept that he lied about nanna's will, he told me that she left something in it for me, he wouldn't tell me what but said nanna left poppy's pocket watch to my bro.......truth is none of the cousins were named in it...... BUSTED!!!!!! He was trying to manipulate me into making his wife grandma to my kids!

# If being a grandma was so important to A why didn't she have kids of her own or adopt?

#My father and A are not a package deal, she can't ride on his coat tails(him being my father) and expect a high position in my family. She has to earn that thru hard work and consistent behaviour, she has to create her own relationship with me. Something that is impossible now because she told me (like you tell a 10 yr old) that this is how it's gonna be. I told my aunt that I never did this to my husband family, that although I made mistakes, I tried hard to fit into their family, something she is not willing to do.

# That if he was serious about a relationship nothing would stop him from sorting it out. He would be the one on the phone finding out what's going on.....he knows when their b'days are. It shouldn't be up to me to constantly inform him. I did this 2 yrs ago i rang him up and told him, get a mouth full of abuse and he wouldn't show up. So I began txting him only to be told i was rude B for txt him and he still wouldn't show up! Damned if you do..........

# He wanted to know the boundaries (my bro does exactly the same thing), I tell him and he asked why, so I explain why giving the evidence and he accused me of being bitter, unforgiving, holding a grudge and dragging up the past!!!!! I can't tell you how many times I've been thru that tail chaser!!!!!  (He can't have the kids in his care because he threatened the life of my youngest daughter, the peanut butter incident!!!!!! He has an anaphylatic allergy himself, you'd think he would be the most responsible but hey who's judging!!!!!!! Oh yeah ME!!!!!)

# He doesn't respect my hubby and has critcized him, told him he rude and asks personally Q's which is totally untrue and and hubby has done everything to make him feel welcome in our home to defending his appalling behaviour and encouraging me to keep trying.......no mean feat by any means! He, my father, also compares A to hubby and that i should accept her.......difference is that hubby is the father of HIS grandchildren and A has no blood relation nor do they have any children together. (You know as I write this, I sound like a selfish so and so, but trying to explain it is difficult!) Anyway, if A had treated me with respect and asked why this is and my reasoning, I would have told her the truth and had more respect for her, I would have also told her how our family works and helped her to fit in. A charged in like a bull in a china shop who decided that the interior design wasn't to her taste!

# His behaviour has not changed towards me. It is the same abuse I got as child, as a teen, as a single parent and has married woman. He doesn't show me or my children any generosity but is quick to open his wallet to my bro! He doesn't spend the time or the energy with us. Expects me to go to all A's family gatherings so he can show us off like trophies, the rest of the time I'm nothing more than dog poop he prefers to scrape of his shoe. I know how generous he's been to my bro cause my bro can't help but brag!!!!!!

# I accept that I'm orphan, that neither of parents are all that interested in me unless it suits themselves. It's a good thing that hubby's family is so close knit. I feel that they are more family to me then my own and I have begun developing a closer relationship with hubby's aunt and with his father. His aunt is amazing, I can't believe I felt intimidated by her! But in my defence I had know idea how a family worked until I married hubby! It was real shock!!!!!

# It will take yrs of consistent, generous behaviour for me to accept that he's changed (I don't mean financially but it wouldn't hurt). No more lies or half truths, no more manipulations and demanding the impossible. No more trying to get rid of my mother!!!! (My aunt couldn't believe that this whole grandma issue is because he wants to hurt my mother by stealing us kids away.....He's done brillant job on my bro, thats for sure!)

I told my aunt that I would not be discussing this issue with her again, she asked me what I would do if he did everything I asked? I told her I would be shocked but I wouldn't be able to accept it as he has promised so many times before and continues right on with his bad behaviour (which is far to long list!). But if he came, he would be welcomed into our home, he can spend time with kids but I would be a casual observer, I have no interest in actually having a conversation with him. I also told my aunt that A was not welcome to come. Anyone who treats me with that level of disrepect is not welcome, I don't have to have that abuse in my home! On the religious card, I told my aunt that God requires me to honor him, I honor him for creating me, providing food and shelter and somewhat of an education and that is it, thats all that is required from me. Honoring him doesn't mean that i have take his abuse or live in fear of it.

Now I wait for the repercussions.............which I fear are gonna be pretty bad, possibly even court action. So now I'm trying to focus on  whats important but i feel like my heart is constantly pounding, I feel sick all day and 1/2 the nite. The anxiety I fought the last 18 mths is back with avengenous. I don't know how it's gonna affect my chances of becoming a host family. All I know is that I havent felt this sick with anxiety since my 3rd miscarriage!

On the upside, chompers learned to blow snoggie bubbles with his greenies! If that makes sense.......I don't want to make anyone sick but it's just gross!!!!!!!

Cheers Raven

In the meantime, I carry on my life as usually......four o'clock time to get something out for dinner........Problem is it's frozen soild never mind i pop it in the mircowave! Oh thats right, it's forcing it's me in to giving it an early retirement!

Last night was classic! I decided last minute to do beef strognaff, well, let me tell you how hard it is to cut frozen meat! In my defence I keep forgetting to decide earlier in the day what we are having for dinner, except on thursday, where I buy quick meal (I have to go back and do a full shop, like dinner tonite being fish, chips, chicken nuggets and lamb chops for hubby!!!) Anyway...... I had my FIL as well, so there I am, cutting frozen steak, my FIL is looking rather bemused as I tell him my Mircowave is on the fritz and I can't get it fixed because I'm paying of the electricity bill! Finally a 1/2hr later with a frozen hand, the steak is cut up, the pasta is sticking to bottom of saucepan, Nicole gushing over her b'day presents ( I bought a boy bratz doll, She's like got all the girls, so I thought I'd give her boy to marry one of the girls, hopefully he won't became a polygamist!!!! LOL! By the way have you noticed that boy dolls all have a six pack or ripple or wash board stomaches? Yeah me neither!) Anyway back to the mircowave saga......poor Jaxon is getting look warm meals and some cold ones when I have to use the jars, mostly he eats what we do but he wasn't so keen on Strog last nite but the poor little guy has croup AGAIN! I can't reheat bottles, I can't cook my veggies, again I have a defence...... I'm in the habit of waiting 20mins before dinners served, to do them in the mircowave, so dinner is late because I forgot the veggies! Hubby's taken to defrosting things in hot water, I end up with more dishes as I don't know whats clean and whats not!!!!!!

There are days i want to scream!!!!!!

Now that i've got that off my chest down to business.

Nikki's b'day was yesterday and she turned 7! They grow up so fast. Saturday in our family fashion she will have her ears pierced,  I'm really excited for her. (I didn't get my done till I was 14. Pretty tradegic!!!!) Anyway... I have another party to throw on saturday and 3 of Nikki's friends are comming. She's thrilled. The hardest thing is though is parents ask if they can bring anything. As Nikki has anaphylaxia i't's just easier if I do it. I've taking to saying bring yourselves and have a fantastic time!

Back to Chomper (aka Jaxon) he's miserable and his immunisations are due on the 28th of this month.....Yes i know happy b'day son......jab jab jab!!! He's sick again with croup and they've checked him for asthma this time too. He doesn't have any wheezing but they've made note in his file to check him for it everytime he comes in. I got some great advice for dealing with croup in asthmatic's as well. It's pretty much what I've been told but also to be aware of allergens they can irritate croup specially in asthmatics and children with a family history of asthma! Anyway got some pred mix for him because it's affecting his breathing and the pharmist Q'd why i needed so much! I had go back over that the first lot was for chomper 2 weeks ago, the last lot was for Nikki a week ago and I don't keep it once they've finished the course. I swear he thought I was running a drug lab or something!!!!! He laughed when I gave him the story and he gave me the above eplanation croup and asthmatics which I also got from the DR 20mins before and the CYHS nurse hr prior to visiting the DR.  I weighed him and made app with our usual nurse but saw one that was on for a little reassurance that I wasn't over reacting to his barking cough and noisy inhalation!

Currently  I have a miserable baby who aside from trying to pull my hair and bite me, has made numerous attempts to disconnect my plug in internet!!!! He's decided he's not having a nap today and so apart from paying the bills and doing the shopping, I haven't done an ounce of housework!!!!! Poor little guy!!!

Any whooo, I'm gonna post some new photo's on my hme page, including AJ's blue cake as in Blue from madam fosters home for imaginery friends. I also have an order for one from a teen in our church!!!! He loved so much he's asked me to do one for him!!!!!! I'm also gonna take photo of the implanon war wound, the bruising is still comming out, but it's not nearly as bad as the last time I had it in!!!!

I'm also thinking about becomming a host family for foriegn students. In light of my mates death, life is short and precious and if I can't fulfil my own dreams maybe I can help others fulfl theirs. So I'm gonna start looking in to it. I hope I qualify, it would be great......why travel when you can bring a world of travel to you!!!!! Anyway we will see how it goes!

Chompers finally succumbed to a nap, so I'll sign off and put him down and get some housework done!

Cheers Raven

Hubby took my bro home (45min away) and he took our middle children. The girls, including my daughter began to talk about the things going on in their lives. I felt very priviledged to be made apart of this conversation and the girls really seemed to take on board what I was saying.

We ordered pizza for dinner and I also offered salad, one of the young girls expressed her problem with weight and I shared my own battle. I have book which I'm yet read, it's called Starving, A Personal journey through Aneroxia by Christie pettit. The girls have expressed an interest in reading it but as I haven't read it, I'm not sure that the content is aproppiate for their age. I said I'd let them know.

This was followed by some dancing and another quick lesson about music and being careful what you listen to. Really just filling your mind with positive, uplifting music.

Then we all settled down for movies (Chomper went to bed) Hubby had arrived home feed the the other 2 and got them off to bed, leaving me to supervise the girls, he put the computer in our bedroom and watched movies on that (my bro dumped @ 50 movies on computer)

At 10pm I went to bed and I got up at 4:10am to find 3 of 4 girls asleep! My darling was playing her new ds, she had finished another movie!

In the morning it was off to church with the warning that I had to look like a responsible parent and so if they could stay well behaved it would really help! They were exceptional well behaved!

My daughter has some of the greatest friends (it helps to when she's in the popular group, something I never experienced) All the girls are just beautiful and I told them so, including inviting them back for sleep overs and to church if it was alright with their parents of course!

What amazed me the most was what they said about me. That I was "the coolest mum ever" that I'm "not ashamed of who I am or afraid to get silly" and from my AJ "Why can't you be like that all the time!" My response was thank you and that this is who I am and I'm not going to let the world tell me I can't be me and to AJ........ If you did what I asked when I ask, then I could be like that all the time! Well it worked because sunday she got of her kiester and helped clean up......I didn't even have to yell or hassle her! It was amazing, I'm hoping this change is here to stay, I hate being pyscho mum!!

Anyway I have a few days to recovery before I do it all over again, well the party bit, not the sleep over with Nikki. We have the age rule, when she turns 10, she can have a friend stay the nite, when she's 13 she can have a couple of her friends stay for her b'day and she can have ds. This year (7) she gets her ears pierced! Very exciting. Of course I can't do that for the boys but I will say that if they want it, they will have to wait till after they finished high school (their school has strict policy on piercings for boys.... none!) My hubby has his left ear pierced, very sexy!

Last nite for fathers day Hubby went fishing with his BIL and his bro and hubby's nephew (BIL's sons). I'm yet to find out how it went as hubby's still asleep!

Todays plans are to get the Implanon put in and catch up on the washing and do the last 2 loads of dishes in the dishwasher! (my dryer and dishwasher hate each other so I can only put one or the other on with the washing machine! They blow the switch!) And catch up on the missed exercise! I think I'm going to have to do an hour this week and next week for afternoon and nite! ( I exercise twice a day to help shed the kgs, it takes alot of commitment on my behalf to do it but I feel so much better after)

Anyway I better go change chomper, I smell the faint odour of a stinker! Then I better go take shower and get ready for my DR app. I not looking forward to it because I know how how much it hurts me and the bruising it will cause. The blood test I had done last week made my arm look like it had tract marks!!!! Which by the way I have prefect cholesterol levels, perfect blood sugars, iron and something else levels! DR was very pleased with me! (I can't believe it because I've been really naughty lately and I've had few cigarettes! I'm not smoking full time just one here on this day and maybe a few days or week or so later, another)

Anyway ode de la stink is getting stronger so I better sign off and deal with it!

Cheers Raven

On to updates.......

I found out today at the doctors that my friend really did commit sucide and it's not a cruel joke. I got a little emotional, but I pulled it together. I'm not gonna let his desicion affect my life, I've been thru so much in the last 6-7yrs, I'm finally emotionally available to my kids and husband, I'll be damned if I let him screw things up. I've worked hard to get myself in this great place.

Thankyou all for your comments about my aunt and my dad. You all made great points and have confirmed that I should stick with my head and not my heart and turn down the offer of mediation. It was really tempting, I really want a relationship with my dad, but as you all said if hasn't changed, he ain't ever gonna. I really need to focus on my family and my kids. My aunt will just have to accept that she can't fix the problems. I knew in my head it was the right desicion but my heart was Q'ing what my head was saying. I hope that makes sense. Plus my Aunt caught me of guard and you all know how that goes!!!

I'm having the implanon put in on monday (Bit anxious but only because I know how much it's gonna hurt) DR tried to talk me into having mirena put in but after 3 miscarriages, the thought having a foriegn body inside me just leaves me cold.

Tomorrow will be a full day of celebrating Alexis b'day- she's having a sleep over with 3 of her friend, so it should be an interesting nite.

Anyway, thanks for all your support, I really feel like I'm among friends, well actually I am!!!!! 

Sorry for all the bad news!

Cheers Raven!

Last nite I kept thinking of all the stupid things we did together, how pissed we got, the laughs, his stupid cooking experiments (food) the dares and all the laughs.

I guess I just need it to be confirmed from more than his father's work collegue.

Theres not even a funeral notice which makes it seem so unreal.

It's hard to accept that he's never gonna walk in my door again, saying what's up !!!!

I can't talk to any of his family as they never liked me anyway, but I know some people that may know.

Thankyou for your kind words, at the moment I don't feel much like talking, I can barely let go of the tears, so I'll probably for the next few days keep you'll all updated in my blog till I can get my head around this.

I don't feel guilty, but I do feel that I may have contributed (in a small way) to his death. As I said to hubby, he was a big boy and he made his own desicions. He walked away from the friendship for whatever reason (I'll never know and I'm not sure I want to know either) I know I did all I could for him, the last time we spent time together I was dealing with my own losses (my first 2 miscarriages) and the terrible birth of my son and my detoriating relationship with my own father plus my nanna was dying. I couldn't give him what he wanted or needed. I was a mess myself.

The last time he walked out of door, I had a feeling I probably wouldn't see him again but I never thought it would be because of this, I knew he mite resort to sucide but I thought, i don't know.

I did what I could but I had changed.....alot from the old days. I had responsibilities and I had someone who loved me and was responsible too, something he never was able to commit to.

I haven't heard from him in 3yrs. He suffered severe depression and I guess it got the better of him.

We were good mates, we drank together, got stoned together and even got into mischief together. For a time he lived with my family. It was after I had my daughter, he loved her and she was her 'uncle'. Things changed between us when I got married. After my son's 1st b'day he stopped comming around and stopped calling.

I guess he relised that I didn't feel the same way as he did, I wasn't even aware that he had feelings for me and I guess I'll never know now.

Josh, you made me laugh and you kept me safe, I'm sorry I couldn't help you, I'm sorry, I wasn't  there for you.

Rest in Gods arms my friend, you maybe gone but I will never forget you.