We currently do not have a cat nor do I want one. We already have an old bitey dog that I’m not that good with. She doesn’t really like me. In fact, she doesn’t like anyone but my husband. I thought I was an animal person. Turns out, not so much. I don’t need a cat that scratches or bites me too. Now, all you cat ladies out there, calm down. I’m not going to go out and kick a cat or anything, I’m just better with people and even that is questionable at times. Hell, I married a vegan and my son is vegetarian. We don’t even buy Procter & Gamble products because of the animal testing. See, I’d like to be an animal person, in theory, but I find them delicious and they don’t like me. This could be related. Still, I stand firm, no way are we getting a @#$%! cat.

Another bout of the ear piecing “Meow, mama!” as my son finally catches up with one of the braver, friendlier cats in the neighborhood (and there are a lot of them). The look on his face as he squats down is over the moon adoration. The joy in his piercing squeals (about an inch from the cat’s face) is so obvious I can’t help but smile. I smile, but deep down I’m thinking “(Insert swear of choice)! We have to get a cat and a litter box!” and my smile tightens around the edges. I fight to keep smiling, for Dorian and to calm down the cat that now understands just how scary a gigantic over excited toddler can be. I wrestle the cat free from his iron grasp (before it is hugged to death) and it bolts away.

If I ever do break down and get him a cat, I’ll have to get it from the pound. I’m just going to walk in there, slap down some cash and say, “Today I’m the kitty governor and I’m here to grant a pardon. I want to take home the next cat about to be put down.” It’s the only way I can really justify handing a cat over to my Lenny-Tell-Me-About-The-Rabbits boy. He cries when animals get hurt, bawls his eyes out when they eat each other on animal planet. Yet he feels just fine smack/petting grandpa’s cat while explaining (in his very best and loudest outdoor voice) how much he loves it though. Endearing, amusing, and disturbing all at once, like a lot of moments in parenting, I’m finding.

So, for now we are cat free. I let Dorian chase the cats around the park and around the complex as much as they’ll let him. Sometimes he catches them. Sometimes I bring the torture indoors. I put the dog outside (probably happy for the toddler break) and let these two very persistent cats in our neighborhood in to explore and dart away from Dorian’s merry abuse. I pay them for their services in a bit of tuna or milk. They eat and wander until Dori tires of chasing them then I sneak ‘em back out when he isn’t looking. They get a good and easy meal and a little rough lovin, my son gets his cat fix, and I’ve solved the problem without adding more poop to my life. Any parent will tell you, that is a good day.

Go Deltas!

What color is your bra?
As a new mother (is 16 months still new? It sure feels like it) I am pretty much lucky to have enough time to put one on. I can’t stop to look at the color.

Do you straighten your hair everyday?
Remember that friends where Monica goes to the bahamas and looks like Diana Ross on a bender? That’s what I looked like on my honeymoon. Ugliest newlywed EVER.

Do you worry about the size of your boobs?
No, I worry about the location.

Whats your favorite girly magazine?
Bust- Feminism, recipes and just enough F U.

Would you kill for chocolate?
I’d kill for sleep and hot food. Wouldn’t any mother

Jeans or skirts?
I gotta say that I love my jeans. Usually because I have a nasty habit of tucking my skirt into my undies. Lately I’m just happy not to have vomit or peanut butter and jelly on my clothing.

Do you wear clothes/shoes/jewelry that's uncomfortable?
I’m female. Do they make any other kind for me?

Did you ever spend all day/night getting pretty for a guy?
I’ve spent the last 31 years getting pretty for a guy. And I got knocked up for my efforts. It isn’t worth it ladies. Keep your unibrow and sleep in!

Did you ever cry during a romantic movie?
Since the baby, I cry at flipping dog food commercials.

Would you leave the house without makeup on?
This is weird but I sleep in makeup in case of a fire. I know, I said it was weird. I try to always have my makeup on. Trying to keep the romance alive, ya know. My sister called and asked what I was doing one day. When I told her I was putting on my makeup she asked where I was going. I said, “Nowhere, just trying to keep the romance alive.” It was right then that my husband chose to yell loudly, “Thanks for flushing!” Seems I went pee and forgot. So much for keeping the romance alive. It’s easier to just be ugly.

Do you consider making out "unladylike"?
No way. Unless you’re making out at the table I’m sitting at. That’s a little awkward.

On the scale of 1-10 how fun is shopping?
Depends on what you’re buying. Somehow, I don’t think shopping for a casket has that shopper’s high feeling with it.

Are you spoiled?
I am. My husband and son are very good to me. Of course, I bake for those monkeys so they better be good to me.

Do you think lipgloss is the best?:
No, I think coffee and eyeliner are way better. Two things I’m taking with me to the grave. I’ve asked my best friend to sprinkle some of my ashes on holy ground, the very first Starbucks. He promised to put me into a venti cup (making sure to note I’d gained weight) and scatter me about.

Do you freak out if you miss your favorite show?
I’m a mom. My television viewing is limited to Blue’s Clues (how hot is Steve, by the way), Sesame Street and Teletubbies. What the f**k are those things? I can’t look away.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
An hour. I’m counting the time it takes to find BOTH of his shoes and the inevitable return for some forgotten item.

Do you wear sweatpants/pajama pants to school?
It’s been a long time since I had to worry about school clothes. God, I am so not looking forward to doing the whole school years with the kiddo. There is just so much crap you have to deal with. At least it starts out with finger painting and paste eating before it all goes to hell.

Accessories make the outfit: true or false:
True. As a new mother, I never go anywhere without food in my hair and maybe some vomit on my jacket.

Do you like to hang out or go to special occasions?
Please, I am the queen bee of the bitchy brunch. Me and my boys shut the place down.

Do you like skater guys?
Do you remember when life was that simple? Do you like skater guys? Now I tackle questions like: How do I save enough for his college? Am I giving him all the love and attention he needs? If Blue can talk now, why doesn’t she just tell us what she wants? Why in the hell are we still searching for clues?

Is pink truly the best color in the entire universe?
Only black is slimming.

Have you ever dressed unlike yourself to impress a guy?
As a female I’m gonna have to say yes.

Do you often wish there was something you could change?
The amount of my rent would be nice.

Gold or silver?
Gold will pay for my son’s college faster but I prefer silver. Community college it is!

Do you dress up too much for holidays?
I don’t get to dress up anymore. I’m too busy chasing the kiddo down and getting him ready.

Do you like to wear dresses?
No sir, I do not. I did love my wedding dress though and wore it around the house when my husband wasn’t home for like a month after the wedding. It makes cleaning a lot more fun. Just imagine the looks you’ll get doing laundry in your wedding dress. Of course, mostly because they think you waited too long.

Do you write a lot of mushy love poems?
No and I hate, hate, HATE when people think you care about reading theirs.

On a scale of 1-10 how much do guys confuse you?
10. Now gay guys this hag knows. Straight men, not a clue. No wonder so many of my boyfriends turned out gay.

In the past 24 hours have you hung out with a guy?
Yep. In fact, I spend nearly every minute of those 24 hours with a wee little man I adore. Lucky me! Unless he’s teething.

On Saturday we rushed off to celebrate our anniversary at a beautiful hotel room overlooking the ocean. The first sign that things were not going to go well would be the outbreak of hives. We're eating our Chinese food we have gotten from the same place a million times and I happen to glance over at my husband and nearly jump out of my skin. His entire face and neck are covered in pretty serious looking blotches and welts that weren't there a minute ago. This was the first time we thought we'd be going to the Emergency Room. The hives calmed down after 30 minutes or so and we STILL have no idea what caused them. Then I ended up vomiting and crying from the gallbladder pain. Poor Jeff stayed up and watched over me, this is the second time we thought we'd be going to the Emergency Room.

Eventually Jeff got me to bed and thought the evening would quite down. He went to the bathroom real quick and by the time he came out he noticed water dripping and then pouring from the ceiling which appeared to be about to cave in. Now Jeff is trying to pack up all of our belongings and drag my unconscious behind out of the room before the one above us comes falling down on our heads. This is all around two in the morning by the way.

You'd think that would be the end of it, right? Not so much. Our new room was great until the fire alarm in it went on and off for the next two hours. He finally ripped it from the ceiling and wrapped it in blankets. After we left the hotel from hell and had breakfast, we picked up the car from the valet and Jeff drove us to the beach..... with the parking brake on. Now he needs new breaks. Like he said, of course it happens now, what with all the extra cash we have left over from Christmas and all. Oh, my laptop was dropped down a flight of stairs

Considering we ended up pregnant the last time we celebrated our anniversary at that hotel, I'm feeling pretty lucky. 

The holidays are here. I'll say this now because I have no shame. I'm ready to eat, folks, and not just at my house. I'm dreaming of all the tasty goodness that awaits me the day after at Yvonne's. I'm that much of a fat girl.

The cool thing is that last year Dorian was only 1 or 2 months old when the holidays rolled around. He wasn't aware he had hands much less presents under the tree or (Tof)urkey in the oven. But now he's going to be in that damn Christmas tree every time I turn around. This boy also loves to eat so Thanksgiving is going to wow him too.

This year seems to have just flown right by. You know, I've said this before, for such a boring and mundane life, it sure takes up a lot of time. I wonder if in my struggle to keep ahead of the dishes and the laundry and the diapers and the feeding I'm missing out on just sitting there with my son. Just being there and connecting with him. Lately it seems like I am always multi tasking. While he eats breakfast I clean the kitchen. While he's in the tub, I'm doing my makeup beside it. When he's playing, I'm sweeping or unpacking or…something. There is always SOMETHING that needs to be done. And I'm right there, ya know, but I might as well be a million miles away. I can't do that with my son. I can't sleepwalk through his most important years, the very reason I'm staying home. So, how do you find that balance? How do you keep the clutter at bay as well as you can while getting some errands done and reading the Five Little Pumpkins just one more time?

We've started doing little things. Now, instead of just throwing him in the stroller and zooming him around, I let him walk all the way to the mailbox. When you have things to get done, walking 20 feet with a one year old is EXCRUTIATINGLY slow. Grass grows faster than these kids stumble about. Then he'll hear a plane and go still to be certain before scanning overhead and pointing with a grunt. Or, and I love this one, he'll play peek-a-boo with the moon. How ridiculously friggin cute is that?

....balance….that's what I need...

Two new babies were born recently. I went and held adorable Joshua, I did. He was so tiny and shiny and new and made me long for the days only when Dorian was so little. I even went so far as to utter the words "I want another one..." to the horrified JD as we left the hospital. Babies make you sick in the head, boys and girls. Rationally, I am emotionally and physically exhausted as it is. There is no way in hell that I really do want another one. I wasn't even planning on having this one. But when you hold those tiny little creatures your clock starts ticking, singing it's siren song, filling your head with visions of tiny little hands and feet and sweet smelling heads. Babies are a sickness, an addiction. They are contagious and spread by feeding us these visions of snuggly moments and delightful smiles. They make no mention of the sleepless nights, the crapping up the back. They also do not mention that your bank account will hemorrhage money for food and diapers and toys and tiny shoes so adorable you just have to have them, well just because. No sir, this does not come up. They do not explain that you will live for them and them alone and gladly forgo brushing your teeth or showering altogether because devotion to them is absolute. And you will do it all with the hope that some day soon they will look at you and give you the smallest smile. And you feast on that little nugget like it is the most wondrous and amazing thing that has ever happened to you, as if God himself has glanced your way. That feeling of euphoria is all that gets you through the sleepless nights and (if you're lucky) cold meals. They are tiny, powerful beings, babies. Holding Joshua earlier made my arms ache for another little one to smile up at me, to need me. Now that I am home and near my sweet Dorian, I'm better. One year isn't so big after all. I have come to my senses and am once again under his command and his alone. I do not need another dictator to serve, no matter how rewarding. I'm tired, I look bad and smell worse, my place is a mess but I have the most terrifying and wonderful thing in the world...unconditional love.

Dori had no residue in his mouth and with six teeth and how big those things are there was no way he was eating them without at least an attempt to gnaw on them. Not only that, there just didn't seem to be enough time for him to get them. But I know, kids are quick, sneaky things. Even sneakier though, dogs.

I looked over at my dog and remembered her on the other side of the table when I put the pills down. That dog will eat anything and I was almost certain she'd gobbled them up. Still, it wouldn't hurt to call poison control. Turns out they wouldn't hurt either the gigantor baby (partly due to his size) or the dog, also because of her size. They told me to keep an eye on them and if either get drowsy, they probably ate the pills. I mean, it's eight at night. Who ever heard of a baby or old dog getting drowsy, right? Still, I felt better knowing no one would die from my carelessness. Every mother I have talked to has a poison control story. From my super mom sister (Amy) and the missing half a tube of toothpaste to the friend of mine that looked away for a second to see her daughter dining in the cat box. Yuck, I know....

Well, I'm sick and the world has decided it does not care so I have to be up in the morning, Sudafed in hand, baby packed and ready to go to make my appointments. I love being a mother. I just really wish the gig had more down time. Of course, when he's older, Auntie Shannan (Nana) will pack him up and take him to Disneyland so i can get some sleep. God, that seems so far away.

We had a few mishaps on the flight. Nearly all of Shannan's make-up was taken and she had to dump out a bottle of holy water. Yeah, I said Holy Water. If you know Shannan, it makes sense. I had a small panic attack mid flight and felt like snatching down my oxygen mask but I got it together for my son. I have no idea why I freaked out. I just started to panic about having him in the plane. Aside from the snails I ate in France, he was just so much safer when he was in my belly. But we made it and Dori waved at everyone as they got off the plane.

I love seeing my nephews. They are all so different. It's strange to think that they all came from my little sister. So far we have eaten a lot. My sister is an amazing cook and her husband is fantastic at the barbecue. We have gone to the store so the kiddos could spend their birthday gift cards we brought them. We saw my middle nephew's very first football game and my son has bitten a lot of people. He's gotten every one of his cousins. He likes his youngest cousin the best because he's vegetarian and so is Dorian. So far it has been a wonderful trip but I miss my husband and Dorian, as much as he loves his three new chew toys, misses his rocking chair, Daddy, and routine. He fell asleep the first night saying dadadadadada. It'll be good to get home but I'll miss my family here. My super mom little sister is showing me all kinds of tips and tricks to handle Dorian. Although I do admit to wanting to kill him earlier today, she stepped in and took him off my hands and while I was grateful for the break, I was a little jealous of her infinite patience and heightened mothering instincts. But like I said, I was more grateful for the break. And Dorian just love, love, loves his Aunt Amy. She cracks him up big time. He was a little shy at first but now he squeals with delight at just the sight of her. He loves his delicious cousins too (when he isn't chasing them down the hallway to chomp on them) and has even thrown his Uncle Justin a few big grins.

As an added bit of security I had the doctor give us a benadryl type of medicine to make him sleepy before the flight. The doctor told us to try it out on him BEFORE we get on the plane because it effects some kids the exact opposite and they end up bouncing off the walls. That would have been horrible. We tried it and it seems to work. It was already near his bedtime but he slept through the night, which he usually doesn't. As tempting as it is to give it to him every night, I promise only to use this liquid gold for the plane flight....really.....

Wish me luck....