1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child

innocently.

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

'WHAT!'

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in

and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, 'For Heaven's

sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he

asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me

tonight?'

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon.

All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat

down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?'

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on

microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my maths homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

'Yes,' he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you

teaching my son in maths?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that

son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little

went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is

falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that

farmer said?'

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:

'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!''

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter.'

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane

Sugarbrown.'

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter?'

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play

with the boys?'

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'=0D

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

I got to meet a friend I made in myspace, too. She lives in Woollongong so isn't far from me. She's a total crack-up - it was so good to meet her at last! Funny thing, too, another friend with me met up with her cousin & brought him over to our table - he had a friend with him & when he saw my myspace friend they were both stunned as they met on tagged & hadn't met face-to-face before!

Anyway, it really was an enjoyable night. Anyone in or near the Campbelltown (NSW) area who is over 30 & wants somewhere to go for a night out, I highly recommend Fever Nightclub at the Campbelltown RSL Club.

Have a great day all!

For my birthday present they gave me a lovely watch & bracelet set, gold & diamond-like. They're so pretty!

The kids had the day off school due to a strike so they enjoyed the lunch, too. The RSL has a playroom so Ben & Lauren took Brodie in & they had a ball. I think, though, if school had have been on, I would have given them the day off anyway so they could see their favourite uncle, aunty, & cousins. We don't see them very often.

Overall, it has been a fantastic day!

Tomorrow is lunch with my brother, who is coming down with his wife & my gorgeous nieces. They only live a couple of hours away & he has tomorrow off work. The schools are on strike so the kids can come, too. Can't wait!

Anyway, thanks again everyone. Big hugs to you all, you've really put a smile on my face. xx

After reading in Lauren's classroom this morning I went to the mall & spent the money my dad sent me (he always sends me $50 for my birthday). I bought myself a new top to wear on my night out. It's a nice aqua colour & was reduced from $50 to $35.

I bought a chocolate mud cake & Jess decorated it with chocolate freckles, put candles on it (only 4, thank goodness, lol) & the kids sang happy birthday. They've also been giving me nice hair brushes (love having my hair done).

Well, there it is - my first entry as a 40 year old, lol. Have a great night all, & thanks for all the birthday wishes I've received. Muah!

Tomorrow I hit the big 4 - 0 (god help me, lol). I help at the school again, too (reading this time)

Wednesday Lauren's class has an assembly item so will watch that

Thursday my brother & his wife are coming down to take me to lunch. They live about 2 hours drive away & he has Thursday off work. I can't wait to see them, especially my gorgeous nieces (Brodie is 4 & Caitlin 3 months).

Friday night I'm going out with some friends to celebrate my milestone, lol. Dinner, cocktails, new nightclub for over 30's, should be a good night!

Amid all this I need to do more work for my course. Me poor wittle brain will explode! By the end of the week I'll be feeling old, lol. Oh, well, I'll enjoy it all!

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Dave.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

I dobbed my son in at school this afternoon. Yep, that's right, dobbed him into his teacher! Lauren came out first when school ended & told me that Ben had been teasing her this morning, daring her to go into the boys toilets & calling her chicken when she refused. I thought, right, this was at school, I'll teach  him - I told his teacher & now he will serve detention tomorrow. His teacher will talk to him more about teasing. She said they had just been to Peer Support where they spoke about bullying, in particular teasing. If it had been another child Ben had teased, Ben would get in trouble at school, so why shouldn't he get in trouble for teasing his sister? I told Lauren in future, tell a teacher. I won't tolerate my kids teasing anyone, let alone each other!

Hope your day has been good to you! Keep well. xx

The Cab Ride

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.

By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.

There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.

She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.

She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her. 'I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated'.

'Oh, you're such a good boy', she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly.

'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice'.

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued. 'The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.

'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.

We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.

Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired.

Let's go now'
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.

Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.

I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

'How much do I owe you?' she asked, reaching into her purse.

'Nothing,' I said
'You have to make a living,' she answered.

'There are other passengers,' I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said.

'Thank you.

'
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk.

What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift?
What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.

But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, ~BUT~THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

You won't get any big surprise in 10 days if you send this to ten people.

But, you might help make the world a little kinder and more compassionate by sending it on.

Thank you, my friend...
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.

Come and sit a spell with me...My home is warm and my friendship is free.

Lauren received a Maccas Encouragement Award yesterday so she was stoked. She got it for writing a good story in her homework. She likes writing stories - she even wrote one about me on Mother's Day, it was so sweet!

Yesterday I helped hand out fruit again. Last week there were heaps of mums there to help, this time there was only 3 of us! We certainly got plenty of exercise going around all the classes! We handed out apples this week, which were heavier than the mandarins we put around last week, so that made the job worse. Oh, well, someone has to do it, so those of us there yesterday have all promised to help again next week. (Brownie points to us, lol)

I'm getting hungry. Yep, close enough to lunch. Going to heat up some garlic bread, yummy! Have a great day! xx

I also miss my Grandmother (mum's mother) as she was an important part of my life. She's been gone for 2 years now & I'll always miss her, too.

Ben & Lauren bought me gifts from the mothers day stall at their school. Jess wanted money to buy me something but I told her about a DVD set I wanted so I bought that. I also had my hair cut. The kids have all made their promises of the things they are going to do for me tomorrow. It will be an interesting day! lol. Then it's only just over a week & it's my birthday so they'll get to do it all again, lol.

Hope all your mummies out there have a lovely day & are duly spoilt. Any mothers-to-be should also be spoilt because as far as I'm concerned you are a mother, it's just that your child is still on the inside.

For my mother...

It's a busy week, being a good little mummy helper at the kids school. On Tuesday I did the usual reading in the classroom in the morning, then helped hand out fruit in the afternoon, & tomorrow I'm helping with the Mother's Day stall. Aren't I good? lol. Actually, it's a shame to see the teachers have so many problems getting parents to help, especially as the kids get older. Those of us helping with the fruit on Tuesday were asked if any of us could help with year 6 reading. Where's all their parents? Naturally not everyone can help due to work or other committments, but I know of a lot of mothers who come to the school to drop off & pick up kids who I know do not have anything else on. If you are able to help in your child's class, do so. The kids get a kick out of having their parent come in to help & it helps the class out so much. And it does not matter how old the kids are - they still need helpers!

As for admin having the final say no matter which way votes go, well then what is the point of having the vote? I'm sorry, but that is wrong. What would happen if we all voted in a federal election & someone came along & said the votes don't count, someone else will make the decision? Or a committee you are on is voting for a new committee, you are voted in, & then someone else comes along & tells you you cannot be on the committee because that one person says you can't? If admin make the final decisions, they shouldn't bother with having others vote.

Anyway, the main point to it is that the votes were in favour of it so my complaint was what is the point of having votes if they are not adhered to? It's like they can all vote but then someone else makes a decision regardless of the votes. That is not fair on the person being voted on, & certainly not fair on those who take the time to vote!

Then there's the Q & A section. I reported a question as not being parenting. Now, the only reason I did this was I then put in a comment (which has been passed on to whoever) about how 'non-parenting' questions are often put in, some are allowed, some are not. Personally, I couldn't give a rat's butt what someone asks, we are all here to help with whatever, I just want the same rules for everyone. It just seems to be different rules for different people.

Then there's the minti mail. My minti mail will not work properly, I've lodged an enquiry about it, yet so far have heard nothing (it's been a week or 2 at least).

This is just really bugging me!

I didn't do anything else terribly exciting today. Bought a new ink cartridge for the printer, dyed my hair plum (gotta love purple, lol), agreed to volunteer to hand out fruit to the kids at my kids primary school on Tuesday (I'm such a good little mummy, lol), & now I'm just stuffing around on the net, dribbling on in here, lol.

Better go do something constructive.... maybe ..... mmm..... nah, fuck it, will keep playing, hehe.

Today was a pupil free day so the kids had an extra day holiday but it's back to school tomorrow. I'd say 'yay' but I'm not looking forward to having to get up earlier cause it's too damn cold! lol.

The winds came up today & it was a cold! Tomorrow will be the same. Well, reports earlier in the year said that it would cool down quicker this year. They said it would get colder in April. It's like winter already instead of autumn.

Since I have to get up earlier I better toddle off to bed **yawn** I'm rather tired anyway. Have a good night all. xx

They haven't been eating much at all, usually wanting something like watermelon, rock melon, oranges, or mandarins (cold things on their sore throats) and wouldn't eat a lot of whatever they did have, so I was really happy with them at dinner.

I'm still tired, still feel run down, but am happier! It's good to see improvement in the kids! Yay!