Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask the anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. 
There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...
They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my  truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't
resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago.Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today? Send this to all your friends. 

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

Raising Boys - 24 key points to ponder

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. House 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin,TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

• Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without boys - do it because:

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[b][/b]

hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

Please share this with someone you care about. I JUST DID

• a. Apple
• b. Banana
• c. Strawberry
• d. Peach
• e. Orange

• a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
• b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
• c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
• d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
• e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish
Wolfhound named Belker.

The dog's owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all
very attached to.  Belker and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined
Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family there were no
miracles left for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure
for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good
for the four-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though
Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family
surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time,
that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes,
Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's
transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.

Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why."  Startled, we all turned to him.
What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more
comforting explanation.  He said," People are born so that they can learn
how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being
nice, right?" The four-year-old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to
do that, so they don't have to stay as long.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
"Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in.
"We do not go into a House together," they replied.
"Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one
of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am
Love." Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of
us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was
overjoyed. "How nice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite
Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their
daughter was listening from the other corner of the house. She jumped
in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our
home will then be filled with love!"

"Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife.
"Go out and invite Love to be our guest."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love?
Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2 also got up
and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success:
"I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the
other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He
goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and
Success!!!!!!"

MY WISH FOR YOU...
* Where there is pain, I wish you peace and mercy.
* Where there is self-doubting, I wish you a renewed confidence in your
ability to work through it.
* Where there is tiredness, or exhaustion, I wish you understanding,
patience, and renewed strength.
* Where there is fear, I wish you love, and courage.