Minti - Recent Comments on Question "blended family crisis..."

blended family crisis...

johnmorr — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 05:44:23 -0700

As a step-parent of about 6 years now, I am all too familiar with your predicament. My position is that I am a dad. My girlfriend's children may not be mine biologically, but I will parent them as if they were. I can't help it. In our household we had to deal with the issue of who dad was, but differently. The youngest had picked up the idea that the biological father was available as a weapon she could use against me. This really baffled me because I had never attempted to replace him, have never stood in the way of them interacting, and when talking about it with the kids, have never referred to myself as their father.

In your case, it seems to me that the real problem is not the fact that you have lovingly embraced a child that is not biologically your's, nor is it the reasonable response of a child that has been quite receptive to your affections as a parent. Someone is feeling quite threatened by the natural developement of your relationship with this child. And for that person I feel quite sorry because that is not your problem. You are the woman of the house, and that means that everyone in the household falls under your umbrella of nuturing. If you could, would you change that? I don't see how.

My suggestion is that you and Charli come to an agreement. As long as she knows that you are not replacing her mother, the title she uses is immaterial. And apart from Charli, use your relationship with her to strengthen your position. Every child requires the foundations of both biological parents in their development, and as a step-parent, you provide the foundation of the missing parent. And by all means, encourage a relationship between Charli and her biological mom. And definitely find out why, all of a sudden, dad is so upset over all of this, especially since he was okay with it for the past five years.

blended family crisis...

winja — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 04:30:12 -0700

i think the best thing you can do is ask the biological mum why she didnt address this earlier? im not sure what to do in this circumstance as my daughter asked me early on with her stepmother what to call her as the step parent told her that she was chloes new mum, i stated from the begining that no she was not chloes mother and talked to the step parent in order to stop any confusion i suggested that she came up with a special name to call her stepmother as i understand that they have contact and would probably be close i also spoke to the step mother about trying to get my daughter to call her parents nan and pop as she has broken up with my daughters father a few times and stopped access to my daughter, obviously your situation is different if u have been there for 5 years but did the mum know that her child was calling u mum? did your partner ask if that was ok with her b4 he allowed it? its now going to effect the lil girl either way and i feel for her so all i can suggest is speak to the mother, good luck

blended family crisis...

spellcaster — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 02:13:27 -0700

I had a similar situation. My daughter, Stacey, was only 8 when I separated from my ex. When I hooked up with Graham, my son's father, my daughter was calling him dad until her biological father stated that he was her father not Graham . This broke her heart. As time went by, Stacey became very sneaky and called Graham, dad, when her father was not around. Now, 3 years on, Stacey still calls Graham dad. The down side is that her father is now living in South Australia andhas not been in contact with her in a year and a half.

blended family crisis...

cazza — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 01:14:30 -0700

ok, maybe the mum feels now that her daughter is older, that she no longer needs to call you mum, and is at that age to understand, i really feel for the little girl here as what a horrible situation for a little person to be in. Maybe it might be a good idea to call a meeting and find out why the mum is acting this way... Good luck with it all...

blended family crisis...

quinjai3 — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 01:05:08 -0700

from our side of things nothing has changed, as far as in her household i can not say.

this is why it is upsetting do i do the right thing as a STEP parent and take a back seat to the original parents or do i do what the child wants.

i'm conflicted coz as a mother i understand not wanting your child to call another mummy but as the step mum of a little one i feel very bonded to and close with i dont see a problem and never did til now, but with the continual upset caused to charli via her mother i dont know what to do as i see it as truely unfair to charlis rights and wish the constant pressure would stop but dont know how

blended family crisis...

cazza — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:57:25 -0700

i have never being in this situation,but the question that should be asked is why after 5 years does your step daughters mum want this stopped, sorry to be personal. and has their being a change in the way the contact visits being etc.

blended family crisis...

quinjai3 — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:43:53 -0700

my step daughter is 6 in august, she was 9-10 months when my husband and i started dating. her mother actually has custody and we have her every other weekend,school holidays, special occasions etc, its all very stressful

blended family crisis...

MummaBear — Wed, 25 Apr 2007 00:40:29 -0700

I think that it's all about the children, and if they are comfortable calling you mum then that's what it is. Does she see her mother often? Does she call her mum "Mum"? 5 years is a long time, if you were new on the scene that would be understandable, but you have been 'mum' for 5 whole years. Can I ask how old your step daughter is?