Minti - Recent Comments on Question "Judgemental !!!"

Re: Judgemental !!!

bittenbythelovebug — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:38:34 -0700

Less of the Judge and More of the MENTAL...

What a pack of nasty hyenas to have treated you and your baby that way. I'm sure it wouldn't have been hard for them to see how distressed you both were. This kinda thing makes me mad...sorry.

I think if you are brave enough to attend another hyena gathering, you will need some diversion tactics to get the baby back. Like...oh she's not herself today, I think she'd prefer it if I held her. Or come up with some infectious disease they may catch if they touch her. They'll get the hint soon enough.

I try to pass the baby around as soon as I get to an event. Then everyone gets a hold. then I get my baby back and feed or whatever. Luckily my little man doesn't mind going to other people (mostly) but when he's not in the mood, there is no way I would let him get too distressed and scream the place out, that's not fair for anyone. You just have to take over and show them who's boss. I know it's hard to do if you are shy, but you need to put your foot down or they'll do it every time.

Good Luck Txx

Re: Judgemental !!!

Jessgore — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 19:53:12 -0700

Your the mum... this happened to me to.. Every one was trying to be polite and try to give me a break... :)
But all I could hear were cries...
In the end I said please can I have my baby back... I am going to change his nappy.. Then I'd just take him back.. And if someone offered to do it, I'd say "No your right go and enjoy the party I'll only take a few minutes... And hold tight.. Not to tight of course. :)...

Really there is no other way but to learn how to put your foot down.. Sometimes with out realizing it people who are trying to give you a break you just need to tell them, look sorry can't stand the crying mind if I calm her down please..... If that does not work you could always try stomping your feet and screaming she is my baby....
I believe I did that once... :)

Good luck...

Re: Judgemental !!!

fifey — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 08:11:28 -0700

Lightbee,
Hmmm, that reminds me of one of my Aunt as well. You know sometimes these pple they think since they have raised their and done with thiers, they think they know better than us. She was secretly feeding my nephew some cheese on his 1st B`day, i noticed frm far and soon went and told my sister, but by then it was too la8, he was already chewing and once her F-in-law tried to feed him cookies which had nuts. Then when u tell these oldies they say , -Huh, we fed ours everything and look nothing happenned to them, i dnt know what makes them think that they have the right to give the bub whatever they feel like. I think it`s our baby and we have the right to feed them whatever we want to. My bub is only 5 mths and everyone is already advicing me to give the bub solids ever since she was 3 mths old, But we have decided to give our bub solids after 6 mths, not b4 that. What`s wrong with that? As a parent dnt we have the right to decide what we shld and shld not do for our bub. Even the ped has adviced us on her last visit that we shld wait until 6 mths coz she seems 2 b satisfied with whatever she is getting and is also gaining weight appropriately. Even i aggree with the Dr, she seems to be satisfied with the brstmilk. It is so hard to plse everyone and say NO to everyone`s opinion. Thnx 4 ur advice.

Re: Judgemental !!!

fifey — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 07:34:01 -0700

To Mummabear, What is this self-esteem course? I haven`t heard about his b4 and what does it do and how does it help, plse suggest, thnq !!

Re: Judgemental !!!

fifey — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 06:48:56 -0700

Thnx, guys for the advice. O.K, first of all sorry, it was not at my sister`s but my si-in-law`s hse, (my husband`s bro`s wife.). Had it been my sister she`d have supported me. SORRY, may be i was not in a good mood, i made a mistake in typing.
So, after i got back home, i was so frustrated and so was my husband. I just asked him to take care of bub, coz i was so engorged for not pumping for 13 1/2 hrs, so he took care of her and fed her, she had a ggod night sleep, so did me and my husband, but i still had some nightmares reaarding the incident about what happened at the party. I was upset coz, they were trying to compare my bub with their`s. No one in that party had a baby as old as mine. Plus everyone had teenager`s and some of them were in their mid 20`s. They`d say like No, my baby wasn`t so crnky, mine was a happy one, i even tried to explain them that mine is a happy baby too. For eg:When i am watching a T.V show & if there`s something funny & i have to laugh, my bub will laugh out loud too non-stop. Sometimes she laughs for silly reasons like when she has to cough or sneeze. We do take her out like 2`ce week or sometimes 3`ce a week. We take her to grcy, park and sometimes when i go to my Dr`s and dentist appt`s. I even took her to a wedding party of one of my friend`s cousin and she was good, coz no one was carrying her and taking her away frm me. They`d hold her but i `d be right beside her , so she`d feel secure. No one would take her away frm me and just walk away frm me and her raising her arms crying for me as she is being taken away frm me and me watching helplessly. One of the fly member even passed a comment at me that No one is gonna hurt her, but when did i say that they r gonna hurt my daughter, i didn`t say that. I just said that she is not used to being away frm me or her Dad, if it`s not me then it`s her Dad, one of us is always with her. Can u imagine guys, the sec she was in the car ( on our way back home), she had so many smiles on her face, she was relaxed and content. She is been like this ( not going to pple she doesn`t know) since the last 5-6 weeks, she recognizes pple. I was so happy in the car that finally, i am with my daughter. Well, b4 we parted they even said that - Hmmm, we shld do this more often, so ur baby gets more used to, to us. In my mind i said -Amum, makes me think , what if i go thru the same again, like as if she wasn`t my daughter. Well, i`ll have to think about it , Coz, it`s Summer time and families do more and more stuff during this time of the year, thnx again guys for the gr8 advice---------------Fifey.

Re: Judgemental !!!

rockclimbr4400 — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 05:46:35 -0700

I've had this problem a lot with my in laws. I would have told them to F#@$ off. It's your baby. It is hard to put your foot dowwn b/c you understand everyone wanting to see your baby, but that is a lot to be going on for a baby who is used to the quiet. Mine is used to just me and the dog, my husband works a lot, so when we go to a restaurant at nap time or close to bedtime, its the same way. Do what YOU feel comfortable with and what is best for your baby. Sometimes if we don't want anyone to hold her we will also use the front carrier, so she is happy, but people can see her. Good luck, I know it is hard to put your foot down, but if it is going to make you and her upset, do what is best!

Re: Judgemental !!!

MummaBear — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:57:30 -0700

I had mine at playgroup from 2 weeks old because I needed to see other mums. It was all new to me and being used to working and having no kids, it came as a bit of a shock. It was more for me than for her, but that's ok because she was handled by other mums which gave her the chance to learn how to trust other adults. It was a small playgroup with 6 other mums and their children. Most had 2 or 3 children. I got to have a coffee while it was still hot and have adult conversation and she got to play with another person for a while and loved it. Having said that though, my cats went from being indoor, rulers of the house cats to being restricted to 3 rooms in the house and a cage outside (a large one that went all around the yard) so she had minimal contact with them, only when she came into the spare room to feed them with me. The dog was never allowed in the house, although he is now. I'm still overly cautious when it comes to animals because I've seen my dog eat some disgusting stuff and sniff and lick some pretty disgusting doggy-backsides of passers-by's dogs. YUCK!!! No way would I want that tongue near me, let alone a child or infant!!! I have relaxed a lot with it, but when the dog visits us I always make sure he's locked away when we're eating and she's wormed following a visit, just in case. I think you do need to stand up and say enough is enough, but that's been said before. You have every right to feel that way. Can I suggest a self-esteem course? I did one once with my cousin, as she was very reserved and it wasn't good for her Autistic son for her to be that way, so we went together and since then she's been able to stand up for her son since he can't stand up for himself. Good luck and I hope you find an answer you are looking for.

Re: Judgemental !!!

winja — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:19:00 -0700

i was thinkin th same thing sorry! i had pnd and u sound alot like what i was like. i hated other ppl holding my daughter and she would cry when others tried that i wasnt comfortable with, once i got better my child was fine too. the whole dog and smoke thing isnt a worry but u were there and u could have asked for them to move the dog away from the baby if u were that worried about it. sound like u r unsure of yourself and thats why u didnt stand your ground, im not trying to be judgemental im just sayin i was there once and i know how that feels.good luck

Re: Judgemental !!!

cheleinkal — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:18:11 -0700

I passed my bub around to many visitors etc from day one and she has always been fine in another persons arms, she is happy to play by herself or with me or another child/ren, and I think the reason she is so social is due to the fact that I did pass her around continuously from one day old. I was a Nanny for 15 years and i have handled approx.13 infants in a one on one (except with twins x 2 sets) situation (more if you count my child care experience) and some of the Mums with PND who like you felt uncomfortable sepperating from their baby etc but when diagnosed or crashed and burned needed a few hours to sleep or what ever called me in and I had to be very gentle with the Mum more so than the baby. I honestly feel that all those grabby friends and rellatives had good intentions....they carried it out all wrong and made a bad situation for you and bub, but they did have some valid points and that is had it been one or two people only your bub most likely would have settled relatively quickly for them..........but the best way to do it is this. get someone in that you trust or hire a baby sitter once a week for a 4 hour block of time during the day for example. You hang out with said person for as long as you feel the need but progressively ask her to do more and more with the bub whilst you are at home but perhaps getting dinner organised or hanging out the washing or having a shower or what ever. Progressively both you and bub will become more and more comfortable with this person, once you have both conquored one person, bub will be less wary of person number 2, as long as you are around, it is a comfortable and calm environment etc. A crowded party was a bad idea...especially if it was first off and neither of you had had a chance to settle in and relax at all. They were incredibly wrong in their execution but again I think their heart was in the right place. I hope that makes it a bit clearer.

Re: Judgemental !!!

cheleinkal — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 04:05:17 -0700

Everyone has pretty much covered your learning to say "No"bit, so I'd like to address the other facet of your question. I know babies like adults can be very social little butterfly's or shy and reserved and thats fair enough, how ever I am left wondering how often you and bub do actually socialise within even small groups or one on one events where you are feeling comfortable in your own home..so and so comes over and has a cuddle whilst you sit there and chat and it's all relaxed? I ask because I think it's important that your daughter even though she's only 5 months old does get used to socialising and being handled by other people. I am also a bit concerned about the amount of stress you apeared to have experienced during this event. The smokers breath and the dogs licking are really nothing to worry about. I am a smoker and after I finish smoking outside away from my child, I do breath around her and kiss and cuddle her and she is fine and since getting over my PND I am no longer overly worried by the fact that my crawling daughter licks the dog because the dog licks her...I tell them NO etc. but what can you do..wash her mouth out with Detol everytime? Think of it as an immune system building excercise. I am concerned because it sounds like you might be a bit over protective, a bit anti social and experiencing increased anxiety levels and are a bit germaphobe-ish and all those things are classic Post Natal Depression symptoms...you don't have to feel sad and depressed to have it, I didn't feel that way, I felt like you do and I was diagnosed when bub was 6 months old and what a relief that turned out to be. You DO need to have some social interaction and you DO need to allow bub to do the same and if she senses that you are uncomfortable with it, she will be as well. Please see your GP or Child Health Worker. I am not picking on you, I am worried for you, I want you to be a relaxed and happy person that equates to a relaxed and happy Mummy.

Written with Love. xo

Re: Judgemental !!!

cazza — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:31:24 -0700

well said lightbee and i absolutely agree and cant find the wors for me to advise as you have summed it all in one...

Re: Judgemental !!!

Ngairi — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 02:15:47 -0700

No way are you being mean or bitchy. You have a right to say how you bring up your baby - no one else. Next time I would be discussing with your hubby before you go, strategies for you both on how to divide the time between you for baby. Present a united front and it will be easier for you to take control. And if anyone says anything to you, tell them to butt out.

Leisa

Re: Judgemental !!!

lightbee — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 01:51:51 -0700

Everyone always seems to think they know better what to do with a baby. I had a number of very similar experiences when my kids were little. I once caught my ex's aunt feeding my 6 month old baby icecream (until I stopped her!) - after we'd desperately been trying to keep my baby off dairy till she was 12 months old on doctor's advice cause my ex's side of the familys is rife with food allergies.

The only thing you can do is learn to say "no". Practice some polite statements at home and just be prepared that people are likely to be put out cause they don't get what they want.

But this is your baby - you made her, you have to bring her up, so you get to choose how it works. You have that right and that power in a situation such as that one.

More importantly (and I think that sometimes this is the hardest thing about being a parent) regardless of how you feel in a given situation, if someone is doing something to your child that is not in their best interests, e.g. smoking around them, letting a 5 month old get into a state of distress, you have an obligation to protect and look after them. You are the adult and you need to stand up for your child, cause she's too little to do it for herself.

I hope your little one is okay now and that you're okay too. Take care of yourself.

Re: Judgemental !!!

astrobeka — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 01:49:05 -0700

I am totally behind you here! I would have gone nuts! But, I have been in that situation, and you don't feel like you can say anything, especially when it's at someone else's house. I had been in that situation many times, and it's so hard when people judge you or tell you how to raise your own child!

Try to put it behind you this time, or politely talk to your sister about what happened, letting her know how hurt you felt, but that if it happens again you will put your foot down.

But you have to be strong, as this will happen on many levels again in the future. Just start your sentences with "Sorry if this seems rude, but... (for example) can you please stop your dog from licking my daughter, or I will".

If the other person has anything to say back to you, remind them that you are her mother and you have to deal with the consequences (allergies to the dog, unsettled due to too much handling etc.).

BE STRONG, remember you are the one who can stand up for your daughter!!!

Hope this helps.

Re: Judgemental !!!

astrogirl — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 00:30:01 -0700

I can't even read that.

Re: Judgemental !!!

rach — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 00:11:01 -0700

Oh Fifey,

Im soo sorry you had to go thru that!! I know exactly how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that!! Dont feel guilty, mean or b*t*hy. YOU are her mum NOT anyone else. Those people had NO right to do that to you BOTH!! I dont know what happens to people when a baby crys, they all think they know the best way to comfort it. They all should just but out, you are the mother and therfore know the best way to comfort her. I was like this with Bree, but when i had Taj i put my foot down and would just say NO HE"S FINE THNX! He was a really fussy baby and didnt like being held by other people, somethimes even people he knew. Taj would do the same thing scream as loud as he could & for as long as it took to get to me........
I really hope yous both dont have to do this EVER again.....
Oh another thing. the people that owned the pets should not of let them near the baby, let alone close enough to lick her . Now in my mind that is poor ownership of their pets around a baby.
Im sorry again for your experience at that party for your sister and nephew, it should of been a pleasant time (As you all know, there isnt many chances we get to get out of the house)

Rach

Re: Judgemental !!!

toosh — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:24:35 -0700

I agree with what everyone else has said, this is your baby and you know what is best for her! I personally wouldn't have given in to anyone, I would have taken her back and no way would I have let them kick me out of the room! That being said I am a very forward person - especially when it comes to my kids! Nobody has any right to tell you what to do with your child - this would have been very traumatic for her. I sympathise with you completely!

Re: Judgemental !!!

Libby24 — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:10:13 -0700

OMG sweety. A BIG HUG for you.

One thing i have to say is your baby is yours and no one has the right to touch your baby. you do need to stand up for your self and say no. i wont let my mum touch my kids while she is smoking and even still i dont let her go that close to my kids.

I am sorry that you have had to deal with this. i had to when my son was born but thankfully my hubby told people to back off with my daughter. even now i have to remember to stand up for myself when people come over and tell me how to deal with my kids or what to do.

Next time it happens i would sugest that you just tell people that you dont want them to touch your child.

and the dog thing, ewwww gross. but the other parents there should never of let it happen.

take care
Liz

Re: Judgemental !!!

Shellshell — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:04:17 -0700

Hi there

I don't think, you are being b....y!

Sorry, but I think these people were very rude! That is YOUR child, and they should of had enough respect for you to hand her back, when you asked. Who do they think they are.....?

When it comes to my kids, especially when they were babies.... I put my foot down, and if I didn't want anyone holding her for any reason, I would just say NO... SORRY!

I am the parent, and they should respect what I say and ask, when they have MY baby!

I hope this helps, and you are feeling better about all of this, take care.

Shelley

Re: Judgemental !!!

princesskc88 — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 23:01:24 -0700

hey na omg i wold of gone crazy ur realli patcient..

Re: Judgemental !!!

j-and-t-mum — Sat, 09 Jun 2007 22:53:37 -0700

Fifey, first off do not ever feel guilty for wanting to comfort your baby!! You are her mother and that is your job. If you do not want others to hold her than you really need to work on standing up to them. I have a very strong personality so I do not have that problem but it is so important for both you ad your daughter's safety. I didn't want my children being passed around with strangers. Just because she is a baby they think they know better, what if she were 3 years old and could speak and tell them no. She would be feeling very unsafe in that sort of situation. Would they tell you then to leave the room. I am sorry but I can't say this strong enough. You need to tell people to back off, if you find it hard then get your DH to help in that sort of situation or even practice an answer to those that want to hold her. You are her mother and anyway you decide to parent her is the best for her. Trust yourself and how you want things done. Having confidence in your own abilities will help you be able to stand up to those bullies, regardless of whether they are family or not. I'm sorry you had to go through this, it must have broken your heart.