Minti - Recent Comments on Question "Emotional Abuse"

Re: Emotional Abuse

jaxsycam — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 20:54:03 -0700

it really hard i know as this is the sort of family i came from so tell them both seperatly or together but let them know youve had enough and its harming the kids as there will be problems like rebellion and depression, tell them the kids come first if they have a problem sort it or do it out of ear shot of the children as the kids will remember for years

you have to let them know the kids come first. good luck

Re: Emotional Abuse

crystalmoon — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 15:11:18 -0700

HMMM Blended families are often fraught with this sort of push me pull you behavior with the kids being the losers in the end.......I feel this could be a situation of picking your battles,you will never have a win over every issue so pick an issue you dont feel is that huge and noticeably give way on it then stand firm on a more important one....I do not feel your children should call any one else Mum but you......however some people (I was) have been bought up to call close family friends Aunty/Uncle as a mark of respect.This may not be your way but it is hard for some one else to understand your upset if they have been bought up doing this.I feel if you explain to the children that they only call people Aunty/Uncle if asked to this may solve this particular issue.I think whilst the children are out of your care it is very hard to police how others do things in their own homes.Unless the ex and wife are endangering your children's lives there is not much legally you can do.It is virtually impossible to prove emotional abuse,child welfare usually have to see physical and put emotional in the too hard basket(been there done that) It is such a grey area,what you are deeming as emotional abuse others may see as just conflicting opinions etc on house rules. If you truly feel this is emotional abuse and there are no court orders in place,you could refrain from letting the kids have unsupervised access till you all can agree on terms of care in regard to the children.I would not recommend stopping access as that could sway the children against you now or in the future.Sometimes it is very hard in these situations to remain objective to the other party how ever these people are in your lives for ever and it is in your best interests to try and find common ground even though it may seem impossible.Perhaps counseling for you could teach you coping skills in dealing with the other party. I wish you all well regards Crystal

Re: Emotional Abuse

Kellzacar — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 10:36:50 -0700

Hi there,

this is a horrible situation . . not only for you but also your children.

The best thing you can do is not to openly comment in front of them about what is happening BUT only to correct them if they call some-one an aunt etc if they are not! I went through this with my eldest daughter and it was a nightmare . . . I stood firm and always corrected her whilst never putting down her dad or step mum.

Now she is a teenager she has been able to judge all this for herself and openly thank me for my honesty and love and has told other family members that she is not happy with her dad or step mum. Sadly their relationship had broken down and my daughter no longer sees either of them.

Be-careful however NOT to stop your children from referring to the step mums family as relatives because sadly whether we like it or not they are indeed relatives even though only STEP . . .

The other thing I can tell you is that over the next few years you will need to have the patience of a saint . .I wish you and your children well . . .

Cheers Kellz

Re: Emotional Abuse

jstanothermom — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 09:28:00 -0700

I have been through some of that with my husbands ex, so my tables are turned a little she says bad thing about my husband and i well she use to anyway. What i did was be the bigger person and told my stepson that his mom was in the wrong and that his father and i love him very much. Then I went to her and told her I was not afraid of her or the things she was saying because he would soon be old enough to know the truth and then I told her she didn't have to like me but we had to get along for the sake of her child because it was not his problem and if she could not say anything nice about me or to me not to say anythin at all and we would all get along. That way the child won't have to deal with it, they are childeren not adults

Re: Emotional Abuse

cheleinkal — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:32:13 -0700

It doesn't sound so much like emotional abuse which is usually when the child's ego and self esteem are being destroyed. Sounds like a bitter jellous new wife trying to assert herself in an incredibly immature and nasty way. My brother married one of those....trust me, she'll get hers, ours justy did...hehe, makes me smile every time I think about it and it was sooo easy and no kids involved....Universal Justice is a wonderful thing.

Look, you must stay the GOOD & RIGHT person, the adult in a play pen of juvenile delinquents. Your kids know you and love you and as long as you see them regularly that wont change, just dont sink to her level.

Let them call Joe Blow aunty, in the major scheme of things it's not really important. Explain to them that they have one Mum and thats you and you are the only Mum they get to call Mum, suggest they call her Mam if she's so desperate for a short M-name.

The bonus is that while she is trying to win over your kids, she is actually being good to them..ie. nice to them, feeding them, treating them well etc. so that is actually a good thing.

Take a deep breath and a step back, and try and work out what it is that is really important for you and your kids and focus on making sure those things happen. Them calling people you don't associate with Uncle and Aunt is a matter of personal taste and shouldn't affect you seeings you dont know these people. If they start calling your friends Aunt simply correct them, no biggie.

Re: Emotional Abuse

pagan-mum-of-three — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:31:21 -0700

Oh, my, That's horrible. Your children shouldn't be calling anyone else Mum except you. It's unacceptable to leave young children with strangers, & there seems to be a lot of confusion for your kids. I would suggest you talk to them, tell them how you feel when they do these things, & their father should have a lot more respect for you as their Mother.

As far as what 'she' says about you, you know the old 'Sticks & Stones' saying. They are just words after all. (Although she is disrespecting you by saying these things to the children.)

Your ex & his wife need to respect you as the childrens Mother, & if they aren't then, I would stop the children seeing him until he learns to respect you.

Re: Emotional Abuse

kharma99 — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:11:40 -0700

Telling the children to call her MUM, leaving them with strangers to go for a walk around the block, addressing a so called friend of hers "auntie" when in actual fact its not (the children are now addressing even some of my friends as aunties and uncles) so they are getting confused of the realities of relatives etc; his new wife telling my children that she hates me and the clothes that i buy them etc

my list goes on

Re: Emotional Abuse

pagan-mum-of-three — Wed, 20 Jun 2007 08:06:21 -0700

What sorts of things are happening? I also have similar problems with my EX, but his problem is lack of discipline for our daughter.