Minti - Recent Comments on Question "property problem."

Re: property problem.

cheekymonkey — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 22:38:44 -0700

I have to agree with what most others are saying here. What she comes in, she goes in. If she asks why she has to wear the old clothes home to the mothers house, just say these are special clothes for when we have our special time together and they will be here when you come next time.

Also I would keep diary with photos of her when she arrives at your place in the gear her mother has sent her in. Keep note of any other info as small as it may seem, be it something she says etc

Yes it's very unfair and selfish of the mother to do this to her child, but as you have stated he pays his child support and he has shared care of his child. People like this really irritate me, whether it's the mother or the father, it's really petty behaviour, and in the end when the child is older they will come to the realisation that this parent is playing horrible mind games directed at the other perant and using the child as the pawn.

Re: property problem.

Jessgore — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 16:56:17 -0700

I used to wash the clothes she arrived in and send her home in them... As sad as that sounds.. But as she has gotten older she takes more care of her stuff now and we figure if she did not take them home she would never wear them.. And yes we had the give the new and never see it again. She came here with every thing miss matched, or old, pants to short...

It was as if she saved all the good stuff to be at mums place... As she has gotten older and realizes that we are not made of dollars she has gotten much better....

How old is your step daughter?

I can only wish you luck on this one as it was a battle we did not win... We still have a few things that we say to leave here, like toys and a few good clothes so that if we get caught and need to go out she actually has something to wear...

Also my stepdaughter is 11 now... And well I started taking photos of what she was wearing (the things we bought, and the things she brought with her... ) and when she saw the photos she started to keep things together because she did not want to look out of place.. So now every time I grab the camera she knows that something is not right with her wardrobe choice of the day and she goes and changes.. Thankfully she does this with a giggle or I might have to change my tactic... But it works. She takes much better care of her clothes now and we see them more then once because photos pick up all sorts of things like, pants to short, socks don't match, holes and stains...

Good luck.....

Re: property problem.

blackwidowkate — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 15:59:11 -0700

Hi
When are people going to realise it is about the kids not the money
If you don't want to spend a fortune on the clothes to get wrecked so be it . Go to the op shop and get some second hand clothes.
Do you not buy the clothes for the child? Are they your clothes for her to borrow at your house
You can usually fill a bag for $5
Like this is too much to spend
I would not be worrying about the clothes I would be worried about the living situation .
If her mother is sending her over in rubbish look into why she is sending her over in rubbish and inappropriate clothing
Get welfare into it and make sure she is being fed and clothed when she is with her mother
Does her mother spend the maintennance money on herself rather than the child. Is the mother well dressed and dressed right for the weather.
If so there are now ways that you can pay the money to a third party so that the child benefits.
Or go for custody if she is neglecting the child which it sounds like to me
Let her have her on a weekend visitation
Start thinking about the child and what situation she is in.
Sorry but this is how i feel.
What one parent buys for the child to me this then belongs to the child.
Go back to court if need be but get the child safe and happy
Luv Deb

Re: property problem.

luckyone — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 12:17:28 -0700

hi there , i do agree with the others here .I be keeping the things that you brought her there .Wash her cotlhes that she came in or go and some sceond hand cotlhs form the salvo to send her home in .

I be asking the mother why is the she sending her there with thoses sort of cotlhes on her back after yous brought such lovely cotlhes for her andalso if her father can go around and see how she living may be its time the mother get a wake call, if the child not getting look after proably .

Re: property problem.

Ngairi — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 06:14:36 -0700

Why can't you change Charli as soon as she gets there and then hand wash the clothes and hang them overnight in the bathroom or something like that. At least that way you know they are cleanish for the trip home. Another idea would be to get some better quality 2nd hand clothes that are just for the trip home. That way you are not sending the expensive stuff home with her.

Leisa

Re: property problem.

cheleinkal — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 05:32:44 -0700

Send her back in the exact clothes she comes in and don't send any of her

"your place" clothes, shoes or jewlery home to her mothers at all. Explain to her that this is because they are not looked after at her mothers and thats that...she doesn't have to pack to coem to you as she will have a brand new (just about) wardrobe right here.

Re: property problem.

llmunchkin — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 03:57:52 -0700

I agree with the other advice, I also wonder if your partner has some sort of formal parenting agreement with Charli's mum. If so, perhaps it needs to be escalated - if she isn't dressed appropriately for the weather that is neglect. What kind of mother is this woman and how well is she looking after Charli when she is in her care?

If you really care for Charli worry less about how much this petty, ridiculous behaviour of her mother's is costing financially, and be more concerned about what else is going on behind the scenes. Tell this woman to pull her socks up and get with the program, otherwise you will have to deal with it formally.

People only behave in the manner that we let them - stop letting this woman behave in this way, and try to make sure that she is looking after her daughter properly when she isn't in your care.

Re: property problem.

Kellzacar — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 02:06:59 -0700

Hi there,

I used to have the same issue but in reverse . . My ex never paid his child support but had fortnightly access to his daughter. WE would send her along and either her clothes would come back ruined or not all . . . So in the end we started sending our daughter to her fathers in just what she was wearing as we knew that she had clothes there that hadn't come back . . .

Maybe you should send your stepdaughter home in exactly what she wore to your house for her visit . . That way the things you are buying are staying at your place and not being ruined. . . .

also if you are having so much access and buying so much clothing etc did you realise that the CSA can reasses the amount of maintenance that your partnere is paying . . .

Cheers Kellz

Re: property problem.

crystalmoon — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 01:48:11 -0700

We had the same problem,what we did was to ask the egg donor to supply an extra set of clothes that the children could wear on their trip home......toys jewelry etc was just not allowed out of our premises as they always got lost or destroyed.No toys etc came to our place from the ex's either.It just saved petty arguments and a lot of money. Hope this helps Hugs Crystal xx

Re: property problem.

kharma99 — Mon, 09 Jul 2007 01:04:05 -0700

Hi,

I agree with the comments which are suggested here.

Whatever your step daughter comes with (summer or winter), send her back home with it (regardless of whether its appropriate or otherwise). What is "so-called" your property or what "you purchase" stays at your place. I know that you may feel that this is cruel but i would agree with your husband on this one- and considering its his daughter, he somewhat has the final say.

I envy you on this one- I wish I had this problem with my ex

Good luck

Re: property problem.

mumofjtcb — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 23:14:24 -0700

I agree with your hubby. I have had to resort to doing that with mine but the other way around. I tell dad he has to come with clothes, I change them before they leave and they come back and i change them again. i was spending hundreds of dollars on clothes that were going up and not coming back. He would take them in their nice clothes and bring them back in daggy horrible clothes.

If I were you I would change Charli as soon as she gets there and put her back in those clothes as soon as shes leaving. That way mum might wake up and realise its not okay and you aren't going to keep doing it.

Re: property problem.

madchanny — Sun, 08 Jul 2007 22:57:49 -0700

hi there,
this exact same thing happens with my brother in law everytime he has access to his child, she dresses his son in pants that go half way up his legs and clothes way too small for him, the only advice i can give is to keep what you have bought for her at your place and change her as soon as she arrives at your house, dont worry if the clothes on her are stained, thats her mothers problem not yours. As long as she is clothed properly at your house, then you are showing how much you care for her. i know it seems a bit cruel on your side having to put her in the rags she arrived in but i think by letting her go home in the nice clothes you paid for, you are giving the mother the satisfaction of ruining them.

xx