Minti - Recent Comments on Question "What do you believe makes a good marriage?"

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

mumof5girls — Thu, 09 Aug 2007 23:20:25 -0700

hey.Ive been married twenty years and guess whats its all ova with five daughters heartbroken. My thought to a successfull marriage is great comunication,keep the romance alive,taking time out for each other,neva take one another for granted, and not to keep score.Both have to want the relationship for it to work.It doesnt matter how long you been married you have to work on it everyday..just because ive had a broken down marriage it wont stop me from committing to another.They always say it takes two to make it or break it but i dont belive that specailly in my case,im sure my partner was going through a mid life crisis..I know when the marriage breaks down its devastating,your really hurt

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

Libby24 — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 02:53:22 -0700

Apart from agreeing with everything that all these lovely people have said you have to honest with your feelings and his feelings. Love and intamicey is also a big thing.

I have been with Chris for 7 years and married 6. We both feel it went a bit too quick but are ok with it. We argue and and our disagreements. I am over protective and he hates it. I get mad when he get invited out with his mates and i dont get an invite as well. but you need your space. he has his friends and i have mine and we have our "married" friends too.

One thing we do do every week is have a date day (not night as we have 2 days alone together) it has helped alot

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

Sarsie — Wed, 08 Aug 2007 01:27:12 -0700

Hi Joanne<
I'm not married yet but my partner (& fiance of fifteen months) and I have been together for over three years.

I think one of the most difficult and important things for me was to stop trying to 'win' arguements. I have noticed two types of arguements one type hurts us and our relationship and the other grows us closer together. The thing that makes the difference is making yourself vulnerable and saying how something the other person does makes you feel. ie. "I dont like it when you do that cause it makes me feel so stupid" or "like my opinion is not valuable to you" or whatever it is you feel. When i first did this the tension almost vanished and pretty soon we were laughing and crying together and I realized we were actually more in love than before the arguement! I really had to trust my partner and stop trying to protect myself for this to work tho.

Also having time apart. I think its so important to have your own interests and even close friends. To continue to grow yourselves as individuals, It gives you so much more to put back into your relationship. If you depend on one sole person to be your whole support network that is an unfair burden on them and they will never measure up. One lone man can never be your mother, girlfriend, brother, partner, lover, go to girl blah blah all the time on their own, its too much to ask.

Also If you have kids(Im new and haven't read your story yet) its really hard but important to make time for your man just for him. When my son was born we were both ecstatic but after a few weeks I noticed my man was not as happy as he should be. When I asked him what was wrong he was really embarrassed to admit he was jealous of our son cause he got all my attention and he felt left out. I thought it was silly at first but then I realized I did spend all our time together talking about our son or feeding him etc etc. So yeah, now I try to remember that there are two important guys in my life.

I also believe this marriage cycle noticed by a man named Arun Pradhan is really accurate. What I like about this is that when you can see where you are its really encouraging and you can try to speed up the bad stages and maintain the good ones

loving, appreciative and present to one another
loving out of momentum and habit
living together out of habit
getting pissed off with each others habits
crisis point where one of us decides we want something more
miscommunication where we snipe and snap at each other over side issues
culmination of crisis point where we reach some form of understanding – something shifts, often internally here (or has so far)
begin trying to live together and be more present and understanding
slowly remember and reconnect with the deep love we share for one another…

then repeats back to step 1.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

sarahkate2202 — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 16:31:47 -0700

cameron and i have been married for 3 1/2yrs. not a great length of time, but what we find works, is making sure we have time for intimacy, talking,listening and laughing. we also both have outside activities. we have our crapy days but neither of us holds grudges. Tends to be when we do argue is over nothing important we are normally tired and fusterated, after and nights sleep everything is back to normal.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

mumof2b — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 04:15:02 -0700

My husband and i have been married for 7 years this October and have been together for 11 1/2 years.

As most people have said that communication is important, I agree, but being able to listen is just as important. You need to actually hear and take in what is being said and not just "go through the motions" of listening.....there is a big difference!!!

BALANCE.......you need to tell each other what is good and right and what you are happy about and not just what is wrong, bad or making you unhappy. Marriage is hard work and you have to work at it everyday but it can be so rewarding as well.

Don't get me wrong, me husband and I do fight......I am an Aries... But we also know when to stop and take a step back. What we do when an argument is getting too heated, instead of yelling and saying things that hurt is to just have a laugh........our relationship and our love isn't worth name calling or playing the blame game.....that will get us no where.

Amanda xxxx

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

cazza — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 03:12:08 -0700

Hi i agree with what everyone has advised here so far..

I have being married 11 years and being with mick 15 years,

and i have found that if we have our time apart, like he goes to golf with his mates, and i have coffee with my girlfriends. it has always worked well..

Also there is no need for him to be tied to my apron strings, and me not be stuck at home 24/7

So thats how we have worked through our marriage so far, and we do have issues. and i have threatened to kick him out at times, but i think how much i would miss him, and that our fights are stupied

GOOD LUCK WITH IT ALL LOVE CAZZA

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

emmysmum — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 03:04:44 -0700

whilst i am not married i have a feeling of what makes a good marriage.
There must be an open line of communication - for both parties to be able to communicate effectively they must be able to communicate positively and not expect partners to read each others mind!
Also trust is a big issue - without trust there is nothing.
Honesty also - no matter what the truth be (this relates also to communication) you must tell the truth! yes, sometimes the truth can hurt - but lies hurt more, especially when it comes back to bite you in the bottom.
Love - not only in your head but in your heart also! To figure out whether or not you love someone is easy! You don't question your love for your partner, you miss your partner greatly etc etc and when words cant describe the way you feel!
You also need physical and emotional connection.
Most marriage breakups and relationships in general is because of the couples not being able to communicate, lack of trust and also because of financial instability!
Hope this is a good answer for you!
Chin up!

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

5kids — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 02:10:32 -0700

communication, above all else i feel that if u dont communicate all sorts of problems happen, both of u have just been through a very tragic event, now u know how u feel but does hubby and do u really know how he feels, he lost a baby too. u both need to take some u and me time, turn the tv off and talk eye to eye, face to face and both greive together, this is important to u both. hope things start to look up for u, just remember the wheel of fortune maybe facing down at the moment but it will turn up for the better soon.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

Arna — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 00:27:07 -0700

Being able to talk, sharing, caring, working together. Thinking as 1, you know, being on the same wave length and finishing each others sentences. I don't know if that works for everyone but I believe when you have the same 'cravings' as your partner then you are feeling them.

How did Sunday go? Are your arms sore now? Hope you had a good time.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

janicepovey — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:36:58 -0700

Above all trust

Being good friends

Being able to talk to each other about any subject ( and allowing each other their own opinion)

Respect of each other

Loving each other

Never letting your marriage become dull ( keeping some spice & excitement in the marriage)

Allowing each other to have their own space ( everyone needs time or space to themselves)

I'm so sorry your having a rough trot at the momment, i sincerely hope things work out for you.

Hugs Janice

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

Brian49 — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:36:22 -0700

Hi Joanne, I don't know whats going on in your marriage but i do feel for you. I have been with my partner for 26 yearsand married for 25 of those years. Iused to buy my wife small gifts every now and then i didn't get much in return. I found that you have to be honest, keep no secrets, and always talk over your problems. My wife had to start work 8 years ago and we have been drifting apart since then but i still love her and we have 2 younger children as well so even if there is not much of a realationship there love and my children keep me from moving away. I hope this helps you, if its not to late go and talk to a marriage guidence counsilor we did and it helped a lot. GOD bless and good luck.

From Brian

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

jenlemen — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:28:40 -0700

ten years this september.

what makes it work?

honesty
friendship
realizing when our stress levels are too high and dealing with that first instead of getting all into the fight
good chemistry
at least one person at a time who really, really wants things to be better and is willing to lobby for that

good luck! and wonderful use of Q&A!

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

bleshu — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:22:38 -0700

PS we have been married 4yrs and we are still very strong.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

bleshu — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:21:41 -0700

Im so sorry to hear you are having a rough time.

I have had alot of crappy relationships and when I met my husband everything just fell into place. I believe in a few things are at the core of our solid bond

Honesty. I dont even fib about the little things eg, how much my shoes cost or mistakes I may have made or late payment of bills or even what the kids are doing.
Trust. I know I could leave my man in a room full of hookers and he would behave himself. I know this because I cant lead him around by his dude so how could anyone else.
Compromise. Sometimes you need to let them win. If you can see it is important to him, let him have that one.
We say "love you" at the end of every phone call and at the end of every day. I cant sleep unless Ive said it.
We keep the arguing "above the belt". We dont call names and we dont swear. We are both swearers in everyday talking but we dont swear when we argue. It keeps it nice and clean and respectful.

This next one is the most important

NEVER GO TO SLEEP ON AN ARGUMENT!! My husband and I can disagree or have a big blow up but we never sleep on it. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. We both apologise. We dont apologise for being in the wrong, but we apologise for the fight. Sometimes I have to nudge him and tell him he has to say sorry because he hurt my feelings. He does and we are fine.

Im very lucky, my husband has always treated me with the utmost respect. He is a wonderful man and I know I am loved to bits. Marriage can be hard work sometimes but you have to remember you are a team and should bring out the best in each other and you should be able to lean on each other.

Good luck for the future, I hope it all works out for you guys.

Re: What do you believe makes a good marriage?

mum2four — Mon, 06 Aug 2007 21:07:18 -0700

hi,I am really feeling for you at this time with your marriage troublesand really hope you can salvage what you and your husband had.

Any way for the Answer and these are my views as others may have a different idea of a good marriage.

Trust -trust is a biggest thing in marriage or any relationship and if you dont have trust well alot of the time it can end in disaster.

talking- you have to talk to each other and learn not to bottle things up, and talk through problems without it being a great big debate or arguement.

Commitment-both parties must be committed to their marriage to make it work .

Appreciation -you have to let your partner know how much you appreciate them for all that they do and say and vice versa.

Love - well of course there has to be love because without love I wouldnt really call it a marriage rather then a mutual decision to be friendly for the childrens sake(my views only)My mother has always said while one still loves there is always hope and that if at the same time you both dont love the other partner well then your in trouble then.

Hard work - A good marriage is hard work ,I would say that no marriage is perfect and we all have our ups and downs,and that financial decisions are made together and others in dealing with children that you discuss your punishment and dicipline are dealt with together or at least discussed together , in all if you follow most of these guidelines you can get through any hurdle.

Well for me I have been married for 15 yrs and been with my husband since I was 17 ,so we have been together for 18 yrs this month.Well I would definately not say my marriage is perfect as like every married couples we have our little hurdles along the way ,like the one we got thrown this yr with finding out my husband has a 17 yr old daughter(her mother was 5 months pregnant with her when he met me but luckily I was informed of the possability after about a month of us being together and another curved ball his daughter is now pregnant.We have so far gotten through these hurdles and I am sure we will continue to come through them fine.

So love, trust,commitment,appreciation ,hard work,and to be able to talk to each other are the fundimentals of marriage.

Cham